Confinement

by Gabriella Murray

  "Not sad, Dr. Farbin," I objected. "Open your eyes. We are more than Charlotte, and Guy Farbin, more than inmate and doctor, we are the sky, the hills, the granite mountains. Do the mountains need to cling to feel strong?"

  He looked at me blankly.

  "Take me to the conference room now. The ambulance is waiting. It's time for me to go."

  Chapter Twenty Three

  I was placed into the back of an ambulance by two orderlies and Dr. Whitney and seated directly opposite from Duffino, who's face was pressed against the window pane. As I sat down, I was handed a large envelope with papers. It was damp in the ambulance and cold out.

  "Both you and Duffino are being officially released to the authorities, Charlotte," Dr. Whitney read from a paper.

  I noticed a policewoman and two policemen sitting in the front seat.

  "When you arrive at the courthouse, arrangements will be made."

  I could not say a word.

  Dr. Whitney did not look pleased. "This case has been taken out of our hands. It does not please me, but what can I do? We have done our best for you here all these years."

  "Thank you, Dr. Whitney," I said quietly.

  "I hope you will use discretion, Charlotte."

  "I will."

  "I hope you will be strong."

  "I am."

  "We are dealing with severe criminal charges."

  "I am innocent," I said loudly. "I have said it for years. It still is so."

  "Guilty or innocent is not the point now. It's Duffino on trial. Not you. You have done your time. Drop it."

  "I wish to be formally exonerated," I replied.

  The driver leaned over to Dr. Whitney, who motioned to the hospital guards, sitting in the back.

  "Exonerated," Dr. Whitney spoke through gritted teeth. "You're exonerated already."

  Then he got off, slid the door shut, and let us all go.

  * * * * *

  Our story made headlines in all the papers for days and days.

  DUFFINO SPEAKING! READY TO TELL ALL! Returns from Bingham accompanied by another inmate, who helped her get well. Duffino won't speak without other inmate! Who is this person?

  They took good care of us at the courthouse. When our ambulance drove up, photographers flashed our pictures at least a hundred times. We were hurried into a huge building, signed in, and rushed to a room where a judge sat at a long table. He looked like an old, tired father.

  "You girls understand a trial is waiting. An ordeal is up ahead."

  We both nodded.

  "There are facts we all have to understand."

  "You'll have all the facts," Duffino said, her voice bristling through the official room.

  "Good," the judge said.

  Then we were taken out and brought to a holding room to sleep in, eat in, and plan for what lay ahead.

  * * * * *

  The holding room was plain, but comfortable. They came in and asked us what we wanted to eat.

  "Everything," Duffino said loudly, and I laughed.

  She and I had not spoken to each other directly yet. It was hard for our eyes to meet.

  They brought some food and we ate in silence, as if still up at Bingham together. As I ate, strangely enough, Dr. Farbin's face stayed etched in my mind. I thought of his brilliant papers and talks, of all the years he had of training. Even he was not impervious to pain.

  Then I thought of Dr. Ethan, wandering on the hillside. What really had happened between him and Duffino? Would he ever see her again?

  "Do you love Dr. Ethan, Duffino?" I asked shyly.

  "No," she responded.

  "Tell me the truth."

  "Only Miguel," she murmured.

  "Miguel's gone now," I said.

  She shuddered and stopped eating. "Yes," she said quietly, after awhile, "I realize."

  It was hard for us to say anything further. I closed my eyes for a moment and must have slept lightly. I dreamt of Dr. Whitney walking in to the dayroom, calling me.

  "Come out, Charlotte," he was saying, "and help Lanny with his game of chess."

  "Soon."

  "Now." Dr. Whitney was insistent. "You must not - "

  "Look for God alone in the darkness," I replied to him, as I had many times before.

  "I wouldn't put it that way exactly, Charlotte."

  "However you or I would put it, don't worry, Dr. Whitney. I am free to find God anyway I like now."

  "Wake up, Charlotte," it was Duffino. "Finish your dinner, don't fall asleep."

  My head bobbed up. I was startled. It was hard to know where I was now.

  Two policewomen came in and took some information. How much did we weigh? How tall were we? Did we have any food allergies?

  Any communicable diseases?

  Then Duffino and I were lead to two separate rooms to sleep. I didn't see her again until the next morning at breakfast.

  When I saw her she was smiling. It was strange to see her smiling and bright-eyed. I felt bright-eyed as well.

  "We're free, Duffino," I whispered.

  "Almost."

  "Are you happy?"

  "I'm happy," she oddly replied.

  "What happened on your trip? What was it like to be outside again? Where did you stay? How did you spend the time?"

  Duffino spoke avidly. It was as if her long silence had never been. "We went into town and saw a movie. We stayed at an Inn and had warm rolls for breakfast. With jam."

  "Jam,"

  "He's not Miguel."

  "So?"

  "The trip was for therapy. He told me he loved me."

  "What else did he say?"

  "That's it. I didn't speak a word to him."

  "You're speaking now."

  She looked away.

  "Why are you speaking, Duffino?"

  "For you," she whispered, after a very long while. "When I saw you in Insulin, I knew you would die if I didn't speak up." That was the first time Duffino ever worried about me. Floods of light went rippling through me.

  "It's over now," she said simply.

  The sound of the word hit me hard in the stomach.

  "I'm different. You are too."

  I saw the flush on her cheeks and thought of Dorothea's pale skin and trembling hands. I thought of how lonely Dorothea's life had become. When I killed her, I thought I gave her what she wanted. Looking at Duffino now, I knew I had been wrong.

  "I want a public trial," I whispered.

  "Forget it." Duffino answered, strongly.

  My mind flew back to the convent, and I saw Dorothea, kneeling at prayer.

  "It's my trial, not yours," Duffino interrupted my thoughts. "After the trial I want to go back to my old streets, walk up and down on them, hold my head up high. If you want, I'll take you with me."

  Where had Dorothea returned to?

  "I want to go back to school," Duffino continued, "Finish up. Start over. I'm doing it because of you." She tossed her hair casually over her shoulders, and looked like a young girl.

  "I'm ready to tell them what I know. I'm sick of hoarding memories."

  She couldn't hoard her memories if she wanted to. Her memories were inside me now! I saw the people she had lived with, saying their speeches, groping for each other, frozen like friezes inside my mind. I wondered if they would always live inside me.

  I grew chilled and weak for a moment. Duffino would get on the stand. She would testify, complete her story. And I would sit in the courtroom and listen to every single word. Someday, somewhere, her entire story would be over. Then would I get my turn?

  Chapter Twenty Four

  Duffino's recovery took the spotlight in all the papers and radio shows. It had enormous effect on the public. All kinds of statements were made by the staff at Bingham as well.

  Some of the doctors referred to it as a case of spontaneous remission. Others claimed Insulin Therapy had been the catalyst. Most did not want to discuss my part, or Duffino's trip with Dr. Ethan. When asked about it they said it was simply a
matter of the newest development in healing loneliness and pain. At that I laughed terrifically.

  Naturally, Dr. Ethan made no statement at all. The papers stated he left Bingham, and was working on his own theories.

  Whenever Duffino and I were alone, she spoke to me freely.

  "I might be found innocent, Charlotte,"

  "And you'll go free."

  "But Miguel. . ."

  "Everything that happened couldn't be avoided."

  "Maybe I am guilty?"

  "Are you?"

  "No. I am not. How about you?"

  "I want others to hear my story."

  "I'll tell it for you," she softly said.

  "You don't know it."

  "Of course I do."

  She smiled at me strangely and I released how interpenetrated both of us had become.

  "We'll both could be released in a little while," she said.

  "I'm afraid," I shivered.

  "Be strong, Charlotte," she instructed, as I had often done to her. She bit her lip hard. "God doesn't want us to be afraid."

  My tears started to fall when she said that.

  "Good angels are watching," she went softly on.

  Despite myself I continued crying until two big policewomen came to the door and lead us down the hall.

  Chapter Twenty Five

  The trial went quickly. The courtroom was completely packed with family, friends, reporters, and even staff from Bingham. I sat in the front row in a thin, plaid dress and dark blue sweater. My hair was brushed neatly, my fingernails cleaned and my hands folded properly in my lap. I simply had to be there, in order for Duffino to be willing to speak. In return, they told me, I would receive probation - be officially released.

  "I never had a trial," I said once or twice to some officials, though no one seemed to care.

  "Too much time has passed," one court lawyer told me. "You cannot be tried now."

  Duffino piped up and told me to be quiet. After all, it was her trial.

  On the first day of the trial, Duffino was called to the stand. There was little else left to be done.

  Photographers flashed pictures profusely as she walked steadily, gracefully, her lovely head held high.

  She took her place grandly. I was extremely proud.

  Daren Logen stood up, and addressed the bench.

  "Your honor, my client is ready to speak."

  The judge nodded.

  "Proceed Duffino," Daren Logen said. "Tell us what happened at the time of the murder."

  Without so much as a flutter, Duffino eloquently spoke out. She looked at me first, for a long, loving moment, then opened her mouth and told all.

  "Miguel was lying on the ground when they found him in his own blood. Splaneto did it. He stuck his knife into Miguel's chest violently. Then he kept sticking it. Miguel fell to the ground. Splaneto fell on him. He stabbed Miguel in the neck, over and over. You're killing him, I screamed."

  "This much has been confirmed, your honor," Daren Logen broke in.

  "Proceed," the judge counseled.

  "Everybody started running away. They were terrified. Then Splaneto stopped. He got up, covered in blood, and looked at me. He was grinning. He wasn't finished yet."

  He started walking towards me. He said, "I'm gonna have you baby, one way or another!" Then he started to unzip his pants.

  Duffino was shaking.

  "I'm gonna have you," he kept saying. Duffino's voice rose. She seemed more agitated.

  "Then what happened?" Daren Logen urged her.

  "Then. . . then," she faltered for a moment.

  "Be brave Duffino," I said to her in my mind.

  She spoke slowly but definitively. "There was a knife on the stoop next to me. I grabbed it and stuck it in Splaneto's neck as he lunged at me. He screamed. I stuck it in further. Over and over. He was bleeding, dying. I knew it but I couldn't stop."

  Duffino stopped talking suddenly and started crying uncontrollably.

  It's all right, Duffino, I wanted to yell out.

  "I didn't understand when they told me Miguel was dead."

  It was the first time she had said Miguel was dead.

  "He hears you," I spoke out loud. "He'll always hear you, Duffino!"

  The judge banged the gavel. "Silence!" he said.

  Deep wrenching sobs rose from her. They got louder

  and louder, "I didn't mean to," she said.

  She put her head in her hands.

  "Very good, Duffino," Daren Logen said.

  I shot up from my seat and yelled very loud," It's enough! Leave her alone!"

  A photographer took a picture of me yelling like that. It went on the front page the very next day.

  The matron besides me pushed me back down. I still kept calling, "Leave Duffino alone!"

  The judge banged his gavel. "Court come to order. If witness

  calls out once more like that, I'll have her expelled."

  I quieted down.

  "However, the witness is right," the judge continued, "it's enough. Leave Duffino alone."

  * * * * *

  It took only one day for the jury to bring in the verdict.

  "Not guilty. Defendant to be released to her family."

  After the verdict came in, I was taken to a room in the courthouse. I came in, sat down, and looked around. Seated in the room was the judge, a group of lawyers, Dr. Whitney and Dr. Farbin, who smiled at me wanly. Next to him, to my amazement, was Sister Margaret, from the convent. The faces seemed to be out of an old photograph album.

  I was seated in the middle of the table and Dr. Whitney was the first to speak up.

  "Charlotte, as you can see, Sister Margaret has come to see you, to speak on your behalf."

  "God be praised," murmured Sister Margaret.

  It had been years since I'd seen here. My heart started to pound.

  "This is a day we are all very proud of," Dr. Whitney continued, "not only are we delighted by Duffino's recovery, we are also very pleased with you. It's obvious to everyone that you have been an important catalyst for this cure."

  I sat up straighter, and looked over at Sister Margaret, who was smiling at me.

  "Not only have you been instrumental in helping Duffino, but both Dr. Farbin and I have testified that you've been kind to the other inmates as well."

  The judge spoke up without hesitation, "Charlotte, by order of the court, we've decided to release you as well. "

  Silence descended upon me.

  "I have nowhere to go," I whispered slowly, when words could gather in my mouth.

  "We'll find a place for you."

  "Yes, indeed," Dr. Whitney said proudly. "Now we have two successes at Bingham. Duffino and you."

  I stood up at my place unexpectedly, "Gentlemen, and Sister, I never had a trial. I never had a home. I was taken to the convent as an infant."

  "We've checked your records. We understand. They didn't seem to want to talk about it further.

  I looked over at them without a pause. "Before you release me, I have to know the verdict, guilty or innocent?"

  "Only God can decide," Sister Margaret whispered.

  "That's not the point, Charlotte," Dr. Farbin answered quickly.

  "I've told her that many times," Dr. Whitney said.

  "The Lord only wants to forgive all his children," Sister Margaret chimed in.

  The room whirled. Conflicting voices, thoughts, memories played with each other inside my mind. Father Paul's face and the faces of the sisters paraded remorselessly in front of my eyes. God is a kind God, I heard Sister Margaret teaching, many years ago. Years of struggle with this question claimed me. If God is a kind God, how could - I thought of Duffino and how I I longed for the courts to set her free.

  "Guilty or innocent?" I repeated more vehemently.

  "Decide for yourself," Dr. Farbin retorted.

  Sister Margaret looked taken aback.

  "You've put in your time. You can suffer forever or decide to be innocent. Right
now." Dr. Farbin spoke hurriedly. "Do what I say. Make yourself worthy." He openly winked at me.

  I hoped no one else saw it.

  The lawyers didn't have much stomach for this discussion.

  "It is the judgment of the court," they interrupted, "that you, Charlotte, have served your time. We will make arrangements for you to be returned to the community. There are people who would be happy to take you in. There's training available, various jobs you could try."

  I placed both my hands on the table to steady myself. The room whirled around and around.

  "Say something, Charlotte." Dr. Farbin spoke quickly.

  I tried and could not.

  Dr. Farbin spoke fervently, "Charlotte, accept your release! You helped Duffino greatly. She would not have spoken without you. Is it harder to accept release, finally, than to stay locked up

  in your own personal hell?"

  Sister Margaret flushed bright red.

  His words resounded like gongs within me. It was, I realized, deeply selfish to suffer futile pain. It brought no good to anyone. How meaningless to endure punishment that brought no repair.

  In some part of himself, Dr. Farbin felt what I was going through. He urged me onwards. "All these years we have been struggling for health, which is life," he uttered.

  "The guilty cannot thrive," I whispered. Then suddenly my voice returned. Words came pouring, like a river flowing. My voice coursed through me with new-found authority.

  "I accept my release," I announced, for all to hear.

  "Congratulations," Dr. Farbin said.

  "I am innocent."

  Sister Margaret gasped.

  "As an innocent, I will live in the world, reach out to others, completely use my time here."

  Dr. Farbin breathed deeply and closed his eyes. A hush fell over the others as well.

  "If possible, I'd like to be placed in the community, somewhere near Duffino. She needs my friendship."

  "That's easy enough," the lawyer declared, scraping his chair back from the table. It was easy

  to see all this made him uncomfortable.

  Dr. Whitney scraped his seat away as well, got up, and walked with others out into the hallway.

  Sister Margaret, Dr. Farbin and I were left at the table.

  "Before I go," Sister Margaret said, "I have something to give you, Charlotte."