“I don’t have a problem, Kristen. But I bet you do.” Turning I walk away from her. “Thanks for the clothes,” I say as I flip her the bird. What a bitch.
“Hannah!” she calls. I stick my middle finger up further.
Heading to a nearby alley, I rummage through the clothes, and take out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Taking my clothes off, I drop them to the ground. Sliding the jeans on I zip them up, and notice how big they are on me. Man, Kristen has put on so much weight. These are barely staying on me. I dig around the pockets just in case there’s any money in them. There isn’t. “Ugh, stupid bitch,” I yell toward her house.
Then I look in the bag and find a thick jacket, something I can wear when the temperature drops. She’s also put in some tissues, and antiseptic hand wash. “What am I supposed to do with these? You could’ve given me money. God, you’ve always been so selfish.”
I leave the plastic bag, the tissues, and the hand wash behind, and make my way back to the motel.
God, I’m so excited. I get to see Edgar soon. I can’t wait to run into his arms, and give him a hug. I won’t be able to run, because I’m still hurting, but I’m gonna try so hard.
I take my pipe out of the pocket of the jacket, shake a couple of rocks into it, and take a huge breath.
I’m coming, Edgar. I can’t wait to see you.
Chapter 22
Walking through the streets at night is pretty scary. Now I understand why Edgar didn’t want me to leave my room. It was my safe haven, and he knew I’d be kept safe.
I know I’m going in the right direction, but my high is starting to fade. The jitters are setting in, and I’m grinding my teeth together as I walk. I have more crystals left, but I want to see Edgar as sober as I can. It’s not like I have a problem or anything, but I want to get the full effect of how happy he is when he sees me. He’s going to be so relieved. I can feel it in my bones.
“Hey,” someone calls.
I turn my head to see a car crawling beside me. It’s an old crappy car, and looks like it’s been used in a ram raid. “Yeah,” I say as I slow and face it.
“How much?” he calls out the window.
“How much for what?” I ask, perplexed.
“How much for a blow-job?”
“What?” I nearly yell at him. “I’m not a hooker.”
“Come on, babe. No need to pretend,” he yells and adds a laugh. “I promise, I won’t tell on you.”
“Screw you!” I stick my middle finger up and keep walking toward the motel.
“That’s what I’m hoping for. A hundred should do it.”
“For a blow-job?” I ask, suddenly stopping.
“Yeah, babe. Hundred dollars. And if you let me go bareback, then I’ll throw in an extra twenty.”
Am I actually entertaining this thought? No, I can’t. Edgar would lose his mind if he ever found out. “I’m not a hooker,” I say once more.
He shrugs his shoulders and drives off.
He leaves me alone, and this gives me the drive to keep going ’til I’m at the motel. But a hundred dollars, man, that could buy me a gram, and that could last me a couple of days if I’m really careful.
No, I can’t bring myself to do that.
But… a hundred dollars. If I do two a day, then that’s two hundred a day, and that could buy me an eight-ball, which could last a week if I’m careful. No… no… no. Edgar would be so mad. I can’t do that to him, not after how good he’s been to me.
I round the corner and see the long walkway to the motel. Yes, I’m nearly back home.
Entering the motel, the hamburger guy is at the front desk. He looks at me, looks away, then quickly turns his head back to me. “What are you doing here?” he asks.
“I’m going to my room,” I snap. The low is really starting to take effect on me. I’m really angry, and in no mood for his shit.
“You don’t live here no more,” he says.
“What? That’s bullshit. Call Edgar, I bet you he’s worried sick about me.”
“He’s the one who got rid of you.”
I burst into laughter. “Yeah, right.” I shake my head at him. “He’s probably worried about me. Call him.” I stand with my hands to my hips.
He’s already on the phone. “There’s a problem,” he says into the phone, not even trying to hide what he’s saying. “The girl, she found her way back.” He listens and nods his head. “Okay.”
He hangs up, lifts his head, and smirks. “See, told you.”
I turn to make my way down to the room, and he calls after me, “I was told to tell you to wait here.”
I roll my eyes and stop walking. “Fine. But Edgar’s going to kick your ass when he arrives. He loves me, and nothing comes between us.” I place my hand to my stomach and start rubbing in a circular motion. “We’re having a baby, and he’s going to marry me. He said he’s got a ring.”
The guy nods but seems unconvinced by what I’m saying. “Yeah, sure,” he grumbles.
“He loves me!” I shout. The anger is taking over, and I hate when I’m like this. I take my pipe out, and shake a bit more into it. I was hoping I’d be sober, but it’s okay, I’m only having a little bit. Just enough to take the edge off. God, I hope Edgar arrives soon, I don’t have much left, and I’m going to need some more soon.
“Stay there, and don’t move.” He points to the spot I’m at. I stick my middle finger up at him. What a jerk! The giggles take over. A hamburger jerk. Hamburger jerky. How funny.
I stand, staring at him, and he does his best to ignore me. I huff, and walk around the foyer, waiting for my guy to show up.
And I wait.
And wait.
And wait, some more.
“What the hell are you doing here?” His voice is my drug. It’s the only thing I need. He’s here.
Turning, I see him walking toward me. He looks so beautiful in his tailored suit, a long black coat over it, and looking like the perfect Prince Charming. “Edgar!” He takes my breath away. He’s my perfect.
“What are you doing here?” he says again. He reaches me, grabs me by the upper arm, and squeezing hard, starts dragging me out of the motel.
“Ouch, Edgar you’re hurting me. It’s bad enough I was beaten by my father, I can’t have you hurting me too.”
“What are you doing here?!” he yells in my face. Spittle hits my nose, as his hand tightens even more around my arm.
“I love you,” I say.
The bodyguard is behind him, casually leaning on the car. “She has no idea. You have to break it down for her.” He chuckles and shoves his hands in his pockets.
“We’re going to have a baby.” I grab his hand and put it to my stomach. “See? Can you feel this?”
“Man, she’s a fucking idiot,” the bodyguard says shaking his head.
“Don’t talk to me like that!” I yell at the bodyguard, who’s now laughing at me. “Are you going to let him get away with this? You love me, and you’re letting him speak to me so badly?”
Edgar raises his hand and backhands me. “I’m going to tell you what you are to me.”
My cheek explodes with pain, but I turn to look at Edgar with nothing but love in my heart for him. “Tell me, baby. Tell me how much I mean to you.” My pulse quickens, and all I want is for us to live happily ever after.
“You’ve never been anything more than an investment to me. I saw an opportunity and took it. A cute girl with a hot body, nice tits and a pretty ‘girl next door’ face and I knew I’d make a ton of money on you. That’s all you’ve ever been. An investment. But now you’re a liability, and like any good businessman, I cut what costs me money without giving me a profit. And you’re nothing more than a money pit. You’ve made me a lot of money, I’m going to start losing it all if I keep you around. And I’m not prepared for that.”
Tears spring to my eyes. What is he saying? “But, I’m carrying your baby.” I lift my hand to protect my unborn baby.
“You were pregnant, b
ut I got rid of it. And even if I didn’t, that ain’t my baby, and that ain’t my responsibility. Good luck with it. But you and I are nothing to each other.”
“But you sent me flowers, and had him looking out for me.” I point to the bodyguard.
Edgar laughs and shakes his head. “He wasn’t looking out for you, Hannah. He was protecting my investment, making sure nothing came between me and my money. He looks after me, not you. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you.”
“Couldn’t give a shit if you live or die,” confirms the bodyguard from behind Edgar. “I get paid to look after his assets.”
Standing still, I blink at his words. No, he can’t mean that. “I don’t believe you. You love me.”
“Words. That’s all they were.” He checks his watch and steps back. “Gotta go. I have someone I’m breaking in.” He winks at me. “She has potential, but nothing like you did.”
He steps further away from me toward his car. “Wait!” I call, trying desperately for him to come back. “I can do better. I can be anything you want me to be.”
“What I want you to be is gone, never to return. You’re worthless to me.” He shrugs, then smiles. “Off you go. And don’t bother coming back here because the next time, I’ll dump you as a dead body.” He flicks his wrist at me, as if discarding a piece of trash. He gets in the back of his car and the bodyguard closes the door.
“Wait,” I try again.
“Here, this should be enough. Consider it your severance pay.” The bodyguard tosses a bag of rocks at my feet. Not even a full bag. I bend to pick it up and stuff it in my pockets.
They leave, and I’m left completely alone, with nothing more than a bag of crystals and my pipe.
At least my pipe won’t ever disappoint me. It’s the only true thing in my life. What am I going to do?
My Dad beats me and my Mom tries to sexually abuse me. My best friend thinks I’m nothing but a cheap whore, and I have nowhere to go.
Crying, I turn and head out to the road.
What a night. But it’s okay, because I know Edgar will be back. After all, he loves me. And we’re going to be a family soon.
Chapter 23
“Is Edgar here?” I ask hamburger guy at the motel.
He rolls his eyes, walks around from the counter, and starts walking me out. “Even if he is, he’s not going to see you.” He huffs as he removes me again from the motel.
“But he told me last night he’ll meet me here.”
“No, he didn’t. The drugs are screwing with your mind, girlie. He hasn’t seen you in nearly a week. And he told you if you come back here again, he’ll kill you.”
I slap him across the face. “Edgar would never say that. We’re having a baby together.” I rub my hand on my concave tummy and hum in happiness.
“You have to go. If he sees you, he will kill you.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. He came to me last night, and told me how much he loves me, and to meet him here.”
“No, he didn’t. And please, don’t make me tell him you’re here. I don’t want to see you hurt.” He pushes me out the front door, and points toward the end of the alleyway. “Please, leave.” He’s not angry with me, which makes me believe what he’s saying is a joke.
“Okay, I’ll leave.” I turn and wink at him. “I’ll leave forever.” I wink again. “Be back later,” I whisper to him pretending it’s a secret. He knows Edgar loves me. He’ll be so happy to see me.
The sun is shining, and the day is beautiful, so it’s a great day to go for a walk. I’m really lucky ‘cause my body hasn’t been hurting me as much. Dad really did a number on me when he beat me. He was vicious, and I think if I didn’t fight back he would’ve killed me.
I head down to the bridge I’ve been sleeping under and sit by the river’s edge. At night it gets cold, but luckily, I’ve been collecting newspapers and keeping warm with them. There are other people who congregate beneath the bridge once the sun goes down, but I don’t talk to them. They’re all drug addicts or alcoholics. I don’t associate with people like that.
“Hey,” a girl says as she sits beside me.
I stare at her suspiciously. She looks terrible. Her hair is all limp, her face is filled with spots, and her teeth are nearly rotten. And, she smells really bad. “Hey.” I discreetly move a few inches away from her.
“Have you got a pipe? Mine broke.”
I cast a cynical stare over her. “Maybe but I don’t got no rocks,” I say. I do, but I’m not giving any to her. What I have is all mine.
“I got some from my dealer. Had to suck off a couple of guys for it.” She holds out the small clear pack, and my eyes light up. “You can have some if I can use your pipe,” she offers.
Sounds like a great deal to me. I’ve been really careful not to smoke all of mine, because I’m waiting for Edgar to give me more. “Okay.” I stick my hand in my jacket pocket, and get the pipe and the lighter. “How much does your dealer charge?”
“The more guys I can service, the more he gives me.”
“How many for that much?” I eye her little plastic sleeve.
“Three guys. I’m pretty good at it, so I can get them to cum within a few minutes.”
“Yeah?” I ask intrigued.
“Yeah. Want me to set you up?”
“Nah, my boyfriend will be back soon. We’re gonna be a family.” I rub my stomach to show I’m pregnant.
“Yeah?” She takes my pipe, places a nice round crystal in the bottom, and lights it up.
My jealousy grows immediately.
I want to be able to smoke whenever I want, but until I see Edgar again, I’m going to have to be conservative. But hey, this chick is offering. I may as well have some.
“Yeah. I can’t wait for this baby.”
She inhales deeply and I yearn for it to be my turn. She hands me the pipe, and like a greedy child inhaling all the candies at a party, I light it up, and take the biggest breath I can. I use up the crystal in the bottom. There’s nothing left, and I crave more. “Good, huh?” she asks as she lies back on the embankment.
“Yeah, I love this stuff.” I lay beside her, flying from the pipe. “Don’t you love it when you feel like you’re up with the birds?” I watch as the clouds rapidly move through the sky. It’s like they’re playing with each other. Chasing the one in front. I start to laugh. The girl next to me laughs too.
I don’t know what she’s laughing at, but we both find nothing funny.
“Have you ever had heroin?” she asks.
“Nah. I don’t do hardcore drugs. I sometimes have a puff from the pipe, but I’m not a junkie,” I reply.
“You should try heroin. Man, the high it gives. I’d say it’s better than this.” She feels for the pipe, which I’ve already moved to the other side of me.
“I’d never do needles. Once you do needles, that’s it, there’s no turning back from it.” I start laughing again. Not sure what’s funny, but something is making me laugh so hard, I nearly have tears rolling down my cheeks.
“I’m Sky,” she says as she moves to prop herself up by her elbows.
“I’m Hannah.” I keep looking up at the sky. “I haven’t seen you around.”
“I just got here about a month or so ago. How about you?”
“I’m waiting for my boyfriend.”
“You said that before.” Did I? I can’t remember having this conversation with her. “What’s your boyfriend’s name?”
“His name is Edgar. He’s the love of my life. And he loves me, too.” I add in the last part in case she gets any ideas about him. He’s mine. And there’s no chance in hell I’m going to share him with a skank like her. I’m sure she’s nice enough, but she’s also a junkie. And he’s too good to be with a drug addict.
“I think I know him.”
“No, you don’t,” I nearly scream at her. “You don’t know him.” I sit up, ready to smash her face in.
“Yeah, I know Charles and Ginger.”
“Who?” Who’s she talking about. “Who?” I ask again.
“Ginger. Really pretty. Charles was looking out for me for a while, but then I decided to leave. You know, I just wanted to be on my own.”
It hits me, I know who Ginger is. “Oh yeah, Ginger. I know her. Charles scared me and I didn’t like him. But I liked Ginger. I wonder if she’s okay?”
“Yeah, Charles asked me to act in a couple of movies.” She starts giggling. “You know, with Ginger.”
How lucky is she. She got to be a movie star. “You’re so lucky,” I say dreamily. “I wish I could be in movies.”
“They were fun.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Hey, how old are you?” I ask Sky.
“I’m seventeen, how about you?”
“Me too. But I turn eighteen soon. In like, six weeks. I’m hoping Edgar proposes to me. We’re going to be a family. Did you know that?” I rub my hand on my stomach again.
“Yeah, you said.”
I feel the urge to pee, so I stand and say, “I need to pee. I’ll be back in a minute.” I walk a few steps and hide behind a small shrub. Pulling down my jeans, the first thing I see is there’s red in my underwear. “Oh no,” I say. I pee, then stand and do my jeans back up. Walking over to Sky, I have tears in my eyes.
“What’s wrong?” she asks.
“I’m spotting. I think I’ll be okay. But I don’t have any tampons.”
“Sorry, neither do I.”
“Wait, I have some newspaper, I’ll use that.” I head back to where I’ve been sleeping and find my newspapers and the bottle I’ve been using for water. I grab a sheet of newspaper, then head back to the shrub. Pulling my pants down, I line my underwear with the newspaper and then pull my jeans up.
“Hey, are you okay?” Sky calls.
“Yeah, I’ll be there in a second.” I walk down to the creek, squat and wash my hands in the shallow water. When I get back, I sit beside Sky and cross my legs. “I know this baby is okay. I’m just spotting.”
“That happens. But what if it’s not okay?”
“I’m perfect, and so is this baby. I think it’s a girl. I just have a feeling it’s a girl.”
Addiction Page 20