I vowed I would never go to Vance’s wedding. I think at that moment, I hated Vance more than I ever hated Sheldon. At least Sheldon tried to make me believe he loved me. Vance knew better than to pretend. I was a ruined woman, and he could take advantage of that fact. He had once asked me to promise myself to him before he ever knew of my circumstances. After all, I had said I did not hate him, the first time he used me, and I welcomed him into my arms all those other times. I had no one to blame, but myself, I smoldered inside. As soon as the dinner was over, I excused myself, and went to my room.
I did not speak to Chandra, even though she tapped at my door, later that evening. She had been my only companion all this time, and we had shared so many things together…everything but the truth about our feelings for Vance, I realized. I believed that Vance had told Chandra not to mention anything to me about their future plans. I was beginning to believe he had planned to marry Chandra all along, when I had told him I would never marry anyone, when he first asked me to promise myself to him. And yet he continued to use me as a lover, thinking I would give him and Chandra my blessings, once they admitted the truth to me. Chandra probably didn’t know that Vance had betrayed her, but then men were allowed to have mistresses, so maybe it didn’t even matter, I had to admit.
I did not go out to say goodbye to Chandra or Vance. Instead, I rode out on my horse alone. The one man I had decided to trust, and put my hope in, beyond Sheldon, and he had forsaken me. His eyes pleaded to me to understand, just before I had left the table. But nothing he could say or do would make me understand better than I already did. I understood, but I still hated him for giving me even a little hope. He had just wanted me, the same way Sheldon had wanted me. All men were the same, I decided. If you couldn’t be their wife, then they would take your body instead. Isn’t that what Sheldon was doing from the beginning? And didn’t Vance do the same thing, knowing full well he would never ask me to be his wife? He thought little of adding to my ruin, on top of Sheldon and Jim. If Vance had truly loved me, he never would have compromised me further, while condemning Sheldon for having done it, and planning to marry Chandra all along. He had no honor. No man I had met so far had any honor, and no man I ever met in the future probably would have any, once they learned of my past.
I rode to the pond where Vance and I had first kissed, and shared each other’s bodies, and threw myself in the grass, wondering what I should do. Vance would never be my friend again. Because of it, I could not be Chandra’s friend either, in spite of the fact she probably knew nothing about Vance and I had shared together. I had protected Chandra from the truth about her brother, and about Vance. It would only cause trouble if I let her know, so I didn’t.
I felt a hand on my shoulder, and turned to see Conner. “I was worried about you,” he said. “Why did you take off? Why didn’t you say goodbye to Chandra or Vance?”
I couldn’t tell him. I just clung to him and started crying. “It’s just that I am going to miss them too much,” I said. It was the truth, because I knew I would never willingly see Vance or Chandra again.
“I am sure they will come to visit, in the future,” he assured me.
“No, they won’t,” I said. “I will not go to the wedding. Sheldon and his father will be there. We can never be friends again, because Sheldon would discover I was still alive.”
Connor held me and patted my back. “I could tell how much you liked Vance,” he whispered. “Every time he came here you seemed more alive than ever. But you know he had to move on with his life. He told me he had asked you to promise yourself to him once, and you refused. What did you expect him to do, if you refused to marry him?”
But I wouldn’t have refused if he had asked me again, once he discovered the truth about me, I told myself. “Maybe you are right. It is probably all my fault,” just like everything else was probably my fault, I chided myself.
Connor helped me up on my horse, and rode back to the house with me. “You have to decide what you are going to do for your future, Floriana. You will be twenty one in a couple of years, and you will have to have some sort of plan by then. Gill will not hold out for you, forever, just as Vance hasn’t. Either agree to marry him, or move from his estate. As long as you remain here, he will keep having hope that you will change your mind.”
“I think we should start looking for a house in the country,” I said. “You are right. I should not take advantage of Gill like this. If I ever told him the truth about me, he would never wish to marry me.”
“You are too harsh on yourself. Why can’t you forgive yourself, for something you had little hand in?” Only Connor did not know how much of a hand I had where Vance was concerned. That alone would make Gill realize I was taking advantage of his hospitality, because I had had an ongoing affair with Vance, for the last three years, while Gill kept hoping I would agree to marry him in the end. Not even Gill could over look my actions, and I knew it.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Vance and Chandra were married three months later. I did not attend the wedding. I don’t think Vance expected me to, but I am sure Chandra’s feelings were hurt, when I didn’t come. I wrote her a note, wishing her happiness, but explaining that there was no way I could attend, considering her brother would discover I was still alive, if I attended.
Later, it didn’t really matter, because Conner informed me that his cousin had informed him that Aldridge had stopped paying on the mortgage and asked if he should repossess the estate? Now I had Sheldon, and his father, right where I wanted them, but I had changed my mind about allowing them to remain at Heather Ridge House, after what Sheldon had sent Jim to do to me. I told Connor to tell his cousin to evict Sheldon and his father from the house, along with any servants they had, and start renovations, as soon as possible. Now Heather Ridge House would belong to me, and Sheldon and his father could die paupers, for all I cared. I would get my revenge after all. By this time, I felt I deserved it.
I informed Connor that I wished to return to the city, and take up residence in my parent’s house. I was through playing the victim, and hiding myself away from harm or society. I didn’t care what people thought of me any longer. I would do as I pleased, even if I became the gossip of the city in the process. After all, I had more money than anyone else who dwelled there.
Connor gave me a worried look. “Why don’t you drop it?” he suggested. “In the beginning, I was willing to go along with your plan to put Sheldon and his father down. But now, his sister is married to your best friend, and Sheldon’s wife is dead. Apparently, he and his father gambled away all of her inheritance, and you have what you wanted in the first place. Why go back to that situation? Why not start a whole new life for yourself?
“You probably don’t understand because all you ever want to do is travel from pillar to post. But I have a home that my father inherited from his family. I have a family name, even if no one will marry me, once they learn of my past digressions. But I will rub it all in their noses, if I have to. It was not my fault that my parents were taken from me by the sickness, and I was thrown at the feet of Aldridge and his son for them to abuse me. I became a fallen woman because of my innocence. But I was not innocent, when I took Vance as a lover.”
Connor stared at me. “You what?” he asked, unbelievingly.
“I loved him, and I thought he loved me. I thought if he loved me, it wouldn’t make a difference to him that Sheldon had ruined me. But I was merely fooling myself. Look at my face! Not only is my honor a shambles, but my face is beyond repair. I know I am not beautiful any longer, and even if Vance did love me, he could not wear me on his arm with pride. No one can wear me on their arm with pride, so why should I even strive for it any longer?” I erupted.
Connor stepped towards me, a pained look on his face, but I stepped back. “Don’t touch me. I know you are disappointed in me. I know you wanted to protect me from Sheldon. But you can’t protect me from myself! In two years, you will be free of me, and you can go back to your wand
ering ways, but I am through running away from my own shadow. I am strong. I survived everything else, and I shall survive this as well!”
Connor took another step towards me. “I know you are strong, Floriana. Maybe a little too strong. But you seem to want to punish yourself, because you can’t find it in your heart to forgive yourself for what you believe to be your own folly. I am sure Vance marrying Chandra has cut you deeply. But Vance is not the only man in the world. He was not worthy of you, if he could not look beyond your scar, or your past.”
“No! You have it all wrong!” I screamed. “I am not worthy of anyone. Not even Vance, who knew me from the beginning of all this. He could not look beyond what Sheldon and Jim had done, but he wanted a piece of me too, because he felt it was free for the taking. I will never let a man take a piece of me again. I will use them up and throw them away, the same way I have been treated, if it comes to that!”
“No! Don’t let this make you bitter. You are better than that. I understood you wanting revenge on the Bogarts, but you can’t take your anger out on the rest of the world because you assume everyone is against you!” He strode to me and grabbed me into his arms, against my struggles. “Stop this nonsense at once!” he demanded, as he clutched me tightly. “I won’t allow you to throw away your life because Vance was so unfeeling he chose to marry Chandra instead of you. I thought he had more character than that! Giller will marry you, I am sure of it, if you only gave him the chance!”
“Did I hear my name mentioned?” Gill asked, entering the room. “What is going on?” He eyed Conner, holding me against my will.
“I know how you feel about Floriana,” Conner stated, loosening his hold on me, “and that you have been disappointed because she keeps turning away from you, but you do not know everything about Floriana.”
“Of course I do. Do you think me a dullard? Do you believe I could not ferret out my own information, through overheard conversations, and following Floriana when she went out riding with Vance? But Floriana never trusted me. She did not believe I could be forgiving or understanding. I came to the same conclusion that she had. I thought that Vance actually loved her, and would do right by her. I was happy that she would finally find something worth enjoying in life. I realized she could never give me that kind of love, because it had been reserved for someone who never could understand her. Certainly Vance must have loved her in his own way, but not in the way she deserved.”
Gill, let his eyes rove over me, it seemed rather sadly, and then continued. “And now, because of it, I fear she has lost my respect as well, because she thought me to be just like her friend Vance, who could not overlook her scared face, or past experience. The very fact that she has prejudged me leaves me no alternative but to retract my desire to marry her. Three years of rejection, is enough to convince me she would never trust me, enough to marry me, and that fact would always stand between us. I have shown her every kindness, and tried to be patient. But a man can only be patient to a certain point. Floriana is right. She is not worthy of any man, because she does not believe herself to be.” Then he turned his back and left the room.
“It’s not true,” Conner whispered, but I was not listening. I had pulled away, and ran from the house. My own stupidity had ruined all my chances for marriage, not only with Sheldon, but with Vance and Gill as well.
Connor followed me. I knew he would. He was my ever faithful guardian, even though he probably resented ever taking on the task. “I will have your things packed, and we can leave in the morning,” he told me, when he found me in the stables, stroking Lady’s neck. “We can bring Lady with us,” he murmured.
“No. Gill gave her to me out of kindness. I have never deserved his kindness, because he was right. I could not trust him. I cannot trust anyone, Connor, not even you!”
Connor looked stunned that I would say such a thing. But while I knew he wanted the best for me, I also knew he wished he did not have to be tied down by my need for his guidance, and protection. In the end, he too would be glad to be rid of me.
He slowly turned. “Be sure you are ready at the crack of dawn,” he said quietly, and walked away.
The journey back to the city was a quiet and uneventful one. Sally and I sat on the seat opposite Connor, and Connor occupied his time reading one of his books. I thought of the book he had given me for my birthday. Connor knew me better than anyone else, but only because he was forced to look after my interests. I knew he was disappointed in me. Maybe he was disappointed in Gill, as well, because he had been so sure his friend would have welcomed me into his arms, in spite of the kind of person I was, or had become, all because of Sheldon.
I may have started out innocent enough, but I was the one who wanted revenge, which had almost gotten Connor killed, and had gotten me disfigured. I was the one who welcomed Vance in my arms, and looked forward to his attention, whenever he came to visit. I had shunned Gill, in spite of his kindness to me.
Connor was right, I was becoming bitter, and at the moment I didn’t really care. After all, all those good things I remembered doing as a child, back when I wondered why God was treating me the way he had, hadn’t done me any good. I was still put at the mercy of the Bogarts, and punished for all my good deeds and intentions. Even my good looks had been taken from me. The only asset God had left me with was money and the inability to get a child. Sheldon had probably broken me from the very beginning, I reasoned, and he had worried his father had done it. The irony of it was laughable.
Two weeks later, we pulled up to the townhouse. But I made it clear to Conner that I wished to have everything moved back to my parent’s house, and the townhouse let out to tenants.
Connor barely spoke to me, but merely responded to my instructions, or questions. I knew he was angry at me, but he would be out of my life soon, so what did he care? Now that I was well over the age of eighteen, I refused to have a companion with me, and I would take the buggy out on my own, trying to escape my own misery, through pressing the poor horse at top speed, once I got beyond the city roads. Sometimes I would go to the grave yard, and sit by the graves of those people I had unloaded from the wagon. I never went to my parent’s grave. I couldn’t face them. I didn’t deserve to have my father’s family name.
I was sitting beside the graves, deep in thought, when I happened to look up. A buggy had slowed, and the person was staring at me. I focused my eyes, and suddenly realized it was Vance. The moment he recognized it was me, he leaped from his buggy and came to me, grabbing my hand before I had a chance to run away.
“I heard you had returned,” he murmured. “I have been trying to gain enough courage to call on you.”
“How is your wife?” I asked indifferently.
“With child,” he said. “You have to listen to me, Floriana . I have to explain.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “I understand.”
“I love you, Floriana. I have always loved you, but Tamara was angry at you for trying to keep her from marrying Sheldon. She told father that you allowed the groom, and other servants in the tower, so you could give them your body. Sheldon backed up her story, saying that he had discovered you with the groom himself. My father forbid me to have anything to do with you. Later, I tried to explain the truth to him, but he wouldn’t listen. He said you were a ruined woman and I could not marry you. I had to marry someone so there would be heirs, so I chose Chandra, in spite of the fact that her brother may have killed my sister. It hadn’t been her fault.”
“Then I wish you all the happiness in the world,” I mumbled, trying to work my hands free from his.
“But that is the point. I am not happy. Chandra is a sweet girl, but I don’t love her the way I have always loved you.” While he was talking, Vance was slowly leading me farther from the roadway. “Is that the mausoleum where you slept after your money was stolen?” he asked. I nodded. “And Jim hurt you there as well. Maybe you should face all your ghosts, Floriana. What Jim and Sheldon did to you, never made any difference t
o me. I realized I couldn’t marry you, because my father would disown me, if I did, but I can’t stop loving you. I can never stop loving you,” he breathed.
He brought me into the mausoleum, and closed the gate. I gave a shiver. “I am here now, not Jim. You are not all alone and frightened, like before. You have someone who loves you, standing right here beside you,” he murmured in my ear. “Say you love me too, Floriana. I know you do.”
I had vowed never to trust another man, but this was Vance, the person I had always trusted more than anyone else. Now that he told me the real reason he was not permitted to marry me, I had to forgive him, because he was right. I still loved him. I had thought of him constantly and of all the times we had spent together over the last three years. I turned to him. “I do love you,” I admitted, and his mouth came down over mine.
I was carried back to those days, when I felt Vance was the only person who understood me, and loved me. We sank down together as he continued to kiss me, and stroke my hair, and then eventually stroke my body like before. I realized that Vance was expecting me to become his mistress, and I toyed with the idea, but in the back of my mind, I couldn’t get over the thought that perhaps he was just continuing to use me, the same way Sheldon wanted to do, once he married Tamara. I found myself pulling away.
“I can’t do this, Vance,” I shivered. “You are married to Chandra. What if she ever found out? I wouldn’t have liked it if you had married me, and then took Chandra as a mistress. You chose her over me, and now you will have to be a devoted husband to her.”
I pulled out of his arms, and found my own strength. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done, since walking away from my dying mother. I had to put Vance behind me, like everything else. Maybe Connor was right, I thought. Maybe I could put it all behind me. I just had to remain strong.
The Fledgling Page 18