I Take It Back

by Liza James

  I let out a little laugh when I said, “Yes. Okay? I did. I actually had fun. But it was also incredibly reckless and dangerous, Sav! We could have gotten arrested! What would Ruth and Dan have said?” My anxious mind was already running through all of the what ifs that could have happened tonight.

  “Oh my gosh, let go, Emma! It was a blast! You’re right, things could have gone wrong, but they didn’t. We weren’t arrested, we didn’t get black-out drunk, we didn’t even hookup with anyone. But we had fun. Do you know what that word means? I can spell it out for you if—”

  “I hear you, I hear you. Yes, you’re right ... we had fun.”

  She seemed satisfied with that response as a smug smile spread across her lips. “Good. Now I’m going to bed. Don’t let that little head of yours fill you with any regrets tonight, okay? Because next weekend is going to be even better.” She winked as she jumped off the couch and pranced to her room, shutting the door behind her.

  Oh boy.

  What did she already have planned for next weekend?

  Chapter 6

  I was surprised by how quickly the week flew by. I had been slammed with studying for upcoming finals, and my last audition for a monologue I wanted to perform was due next week. The actual showcase wasn’t until the first week of January, but auditions and final selections were happening in a few days. If it was picked, I would have a couple of months to really practice and perfect it.

  Almost every night I had spent in my dorm, studying, finishing final projects, and going over lines. In true Savannah form, she had been out almost every night, quietly sneaking in around midnight after I’d already gone to bed. I wasn’t entirely sure how she managed to ace her classes on less than five hours of sleep every night, but damn that girl could get it done. I was sure she had been with Logan all week, doing who knows what. But as long as she was being safe, and I heard her coming in at night, I didn’t worry too much.

  It was Friday morning and I was rubbing the sleep from my eyes as I stumbled into the kitchen. Reaching for my favorite, quoted mug that said GOOD VIBES ONLY, I grabbed a vanilla cream k-cup and popped it into our Keurig machine. I quickly hit the brew button and leaned forward, resting my head on my hands while I waited for my coffee to fill the mug.

  “That’s cute. The good vibes only bit, is that your motto?” The familiar, husky voice ripped through me as I jumped and turned to face him. Cade was leaning up against the wall, thick arms crossed over his chest and a smug look across his face. The bruises from his fight were already fading, hiding any indication of what happened that night last weekend.

  “What the hell are you doing in here?” I shrieked, glancing down at my suddenly mortifying pajamas. My red- and black-plaid flannel shorts were much shorter than I would have ever intended anyone to see. I was wearing a black thin strapped tank top and oh god, I wasn’t even wearing a bra.

  I quickly crossed my arms over my chest and could feel the searing heat rise to my cheeks. I couldn’t help but notice his eyes rake up and down my body, sending shivers up my spine and goose bumps across my arms. He was still staring but kept silent. It felt like he was seeing me for the first time and he might as well had been. I had no make-up on, messy hair, and was still in my PJs as I scoured for my first dose of caffeine. While that made me nervous and uncomfortable, I also felt a thick, heated tension between us, radiating off of him and surging through me.

  “Dude, well? How did you get in here?” Just as I voiced my question again, Savannah’s door flew open while she scrambled to race out of it. Logan was quickly behind her and gripping her hand tightly in his. Her lips were swollen, her cheeks flushed, no doubt because of whatever they had been doing while Cade stayed out in the common room.

  “Emma, I’m sorry! I thought we’d be gone before you woke up. Aren’t your classes cancelled for today? I figured you’d sleep in!” She was fidgeting, a tell-tale sign that she truly was sorry for this awkward encounter.

  “Yes, they are. But I still have to study lines before my audition in a few days so I got up at my usual alarm.”

  Damn it’s not even seven am yet and I was already at my embarrassment quota for the week.

  Cade was still smiling, damn it. Why did he have that smirk on his face? Part of me wanted to punch him straight in the mouth, part of me wanted to do something entirely different with it.

  Get it together, Em.

  “Don’t fret, Bambi. We were just leaving anyway.” He sauntered toward me and stopped with only scarce inches between us. Staring down with those intense, blue eyes, his arm slid passed me, bringing him even closer, our chests practically touching with every shallow breath I took. I was completely frozen, my mind going foggy as I breathed in his woodsy, masculine scent.

  Snap out of it!

  Could he tell he was affecting me this way?

  God, I hope not.

  Is this how it was with every girl? I could hardly think let alone breath around him. Warm tingles were shooting through my body, starting in my core and spreading outward.

  He pulled his hand back, grazing his thumb in a straight, steady line down my arm, leaving a line of goosebumps in his wake.

  Fuck, he knows.

  I instantly snapped out of the trance and took a huge step to the side, separating myself from the undeniable trap I was in.

  “Just grabbing my wallet, Bambi,” he chuckled, motioning his hand back and forth as he showed me what he grabbed from the counter.

  Wow, I’m an idiot. A full-blown idiot.

  Savannah and Logan were both staring at us intently. Logan looked amused, Savannah looked like she was about to do the happiest dance of all freaking dances. I could already see all of the ideas swirling through her mind.

  “My name isn’t Bambi,” I said as I stepped toward the couch and grabbed my favorite black hoodie. I pulled it over my head, giving myself the slightest feeling of security. “It’s—”

  “I know what your name is, Emma,” he said flatly, making his way toward the door to our room.

  “How do you know?” I asked, glancing toward Savannah for an explanation.

  “I swear it wasn’t me!” she said quickly, knowing I’d be pissed if I found out she was feeding him information.

  “After I caught you staring at me and that bunny at the party, I had to find out who you were.” His words were matter of fact, straight to the point, and I found myself confused as to what he was talking about. But then it hit me, him and that girl were making out on the couch, practically having sex when he noticed.

  My cheeks flushed again in embarrassment and a soft groan escaped my lips.

  “I wasn’t staring at you necessarily. It ... it was an accident. I just zoned out,” I tried to explain but once again, that irritating smirk was showing face.

  “Oh, so you were staring at her then? You bat for the other team, Bambi?”

  Savannah broke out in a laugh before I could hit her with a glare.

  “What? No, oh my god, no. Not that that’s wrong or anything, of course.” I was rambling. “I wasn’t staring at either of you, okay? Let’s just forget that moment ever happened.” I moved toward the door, pushing past the three of them and opened it while motioning for them to step out.

  “Come on, get out. All of you. Go do whatever it was you were doing before I woke up.” I was irritated and embarrassed. But most of all I was confused as hell for these unfamiliar jitters that were dancing through my stomach.

  One by one, Savannah, Logan and Cade each stepped out of our dorm and into the hallway. Savannah gave me a quick kiss on the cheek as she walked by and mumbled sorry under her breath so that only I could hear.

  I went to shut the door but just as I did, Cade made one last remark. “Hey, Bambi?” I glanced up at him, ignoring the fact that he still refused to call me by my first name.

  “Mmhmm?”

  “Cute shorts,” he said as he walked backward down the hallway and took one last full rundown of my body. I rolled my eyes and shut the door whi
le I tried to make sense of any of the comments he made this morning.

  Oh hell, I don’t know.

  But I didn’t let my mind wander to what thoughts may have been passing through his mind while he was looking at me.

  Chapter 7

  I spent the entire day in that damn dorm room, refusing to leave, and instead practiced my monologue ... for 10 hours straight. I turned on some Netflix at breaks, catching only a couple episodes of the OA before jumping back into practice. I’ve always been this way though. Avoiding someone? Dive into a project. Embarrassed by a classmate? Dive into a project. Eye-fucked by the hottest guy on campus? Dive into a project. And today checked off all three of those situations. But now I was exhausted, and I think I’ve memorized the lines so much that I was starting to make several little slip ups while I read.

  Ugh. I need a break. And a shot.

  Just then, Savannah burst through the door. I could already feel the excited energy radiating off of her.

  “Get up, we’re going out,” she said as she quickly moved through the messy room and into her even messier bedroom. I could hear her pulling clothes out of her drawers, no doubt trying to find the perfect outfit. “And you aren’t wearing that!”

  “Only if we aren’t going anywhere near Logan or Cade.” I groaned, rolling my head back against the couch. I pulled my knees up against myself and snapped my head up when I heard Sav storm back into the common area.

  “Oh, come on, Em! Who cares if they’re there? Can’t stand being around a hot guy that obviously wants you? We talked about this!” She was holding several dresses slung over her arm. Before I knew it, she was laying them out one by one on the couch next to me.

  I looked up at her, surprised at the nonchalance of her comment. “We talked about having more sex this year, yes. But not with freaking Cade. That’s different. Also, please don’t tell me you expect me to wear one of those.” My voice was a plea, but the smile on her face assured me that I had no choice in the matter and would definitely be wearing one of those short, scandalous dresses tonight.

  It was true, we did talk about the importance of our sex lives here. I was going to attempt this concept of casual sex, no strings attached kind of deal. I had absolutely no problems with casual sex, I honestly believe everyone should be allowed to screw whoever they wanted to, man or woman, without any ridiculous double standards. But I just didn’t do sex in general. I didn’t understand what the big hype was about. I’ve never had an orgasm, I can’t even do it for myself. When I tried to imagine some sexy, muscular man going down on me, I couldn’t stop the anxious thoughts that soon followed after. Things like, does he have a beard? Or has he done this before? How many times as he done this before? Shit, did I shave? Am I wearing granny panties in this fantasy?

  Totally kills the mood. I’ll tell you that for free. My mind overthinks everything, it’s constantly looking for details, the what ifs, and it was a serious lady boner killer. I couldn’t get out of my own head enough to be able to climax. I knew that was my problem. I’d accepted it.

  “Pick a dress, and no it’s not different. In fact, it may be the best idea ever because you know Cade only does one-night stands. No awkward morning afters, no strings, just honest to god good sex. Lord knows you need a lay, Em.” She reached for the shortest, brightest shade of purple dress and went to hand it to me. But I immediately pushed it away and chose the most modest black one she has—which still wasn’t that modest—and jumped up, racing for my door before she could push the purple one at me again.

  I heard her laugh to herself as she said, “Great choice. Now hurry up so we can head to Theta Chi. It’s Cade’s birthday and shit is going down tonight.”

  I was standing in front of the full-length mirror in my room when I slid the short, black, velvet body con dress up my legs and over my thighs.

  It was tight ... like, really tight.

  Savannah and I had similar body types, but it was no secret that I was the curvier one. I’d always had a bigger chest, and these hips definitely didn’t lie. So, while it may have looked like a scandalous dress on her, it took me all the way up to stripper status. But before I could pull it off, my door flew open and Savannah stopped dead in her tracks.

  “Fuck. Yes,” she said, thrill springing up in her eyes. “Everyone is going to be all over you!” She was officially in high-pitched-screaming-Sav territory, and I couldn’t help but feel the smile spread across my lips.

  Her excitement was uncontrollably spilling out of her and pouring into me.

  “Okay, okay. Let’s not talk about it and just go before I change my mind.” I stepped around her and grabbed my black pea-coat off the back of the couch. “Also, I’m definitely drinking tonight, so let’s take an Uber.” I pulled out my phone and opened the familiar app.

  “Oh girl, our driver will be here in exactly three minutes. You don’t think I was going to let you dress like that and not have a drink, right? We’re getting smashed tonight ... by drinks and boys.”

  Laughter filled the dorm and I threw her leather jacket at her when she walked out from behind my bedroom dorm. She chose the purple short dress for herself, go figure.

  We both headed for the door, ready to meet our driver outside. What if thoughts started filling my mind as I shut the door behind me, but I quickly shoved them down, willing myself to officially let go tonight.

  I might have sex tonight, I might get drunk tonight, but one thing I know for sure?

  I sure as hell wasn’t sleeping with Cade Davenport.

  Chapter 8

  The second we walked through the front door of the frat house, I was slammed with a wall of familiar scents. Warm beer, weed, and sweat wafted through the house and, just as I expected, it was insanely crowded in here, as usual. I stayed on Savannah’s heels as we moved through the house in hopes that we didn’t get separated. She was scanning the crowd, I assumed for Logan, and that thought was quickly verified when she instantly grabbed my wrist and pulled me through the mass of people. We were moving toward the kitchen when I caught a glimpse of Logan waving us toward him.

  He pulled Savannah into his arms and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead, smiling from ear to ear. “Hey baby.” He leaned back against the counter. Savannah was leaning up against him as his arms wrapped around her shoulders.

  “We’re drinking tonight!” Sav shouted, motioning toward the keg. “Emma got us an Uber! We are getting wiiiild.” She was pumped, obviously, and it was in that moment that I noticed Logan’s eyes hungrily taking in every inch of her body in that tiny purple dress. I had almost completely forgotten how we dressed tonight. But all of a sudden, I was self-conscious in the strappy black dress I had borrowed from her. I wished I had brought a coat.

  My mind was yanked from those thoughts when I felt someone nudge a red solo cup of beer toward me. I looked over and noticed a taller blonde guy standing next to the keg. He had filled a cup and was offering it to me with a gentle smile on his face.

  I won’t lie, the guy was hot. He was on the lean side, but definitely strong. His white Hanes’ tee pulled tight across his shoulders and pecs. His loose blonde curls fell aimlessly around his face. His hair wasn’t incredibly long, just curling up a tad below his ears, but it was his gray eyes that really pulled me in. They were more of a stormy gray, and I couldn’t help but think he had some sort of story behind them.

  “Hey, zombie. Take the beer!” It was Logan’s voice that brought me back to reality this time and the slight chuckling of Savannah next to him.

  “Shit, sorry. Yeah, thanks.” I reached forward and took the cup from him. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any more embarrassing, I was frozen in place when the words “Bambi, hi,” rang through my ears.

  I turned my head, watching as Cade stopped in front of the counter, leaning on his elbows. His eyes immediately travelled up and down my body, and I could see some sort of indistinguishable emotion flicker in those bright, clear blues. But it was gone again before I could try and figure
it out. What wasn’t gone, though? The sudden heat that bloomed and was aching between my thighs.

  Jesus, he made me feel things I didn’t think I could.

  I did my best to shove those feelings back down where they belonged, somewhere nonexistent.

  His eyes glanced down to the red solo cup, where my hand and mystery guy’s hand were both clung to at the same time. I pulled the cup to myself quickly and turned around to face him.

  “Glad to see you’re letting loose tonight. Be safe, don’t do drugs. Holler if you need anything.” Cade looked completely unaffected and turned around after taking one last glance at the guy by the keg. I was disappointed by the lack of enthusiasm from Cade, and I gave myself a mental slap on the wrist for it. Instead, I reminded myself I was not one of those other girls, the bunnies who were following him around the house, even now. Letting him smack their asses or whispering things into his ear.

  Cade crossed the house and picked a seat on the old, black couch, giving him a solid view of the entire house. Two girls were immediately at his sides, and I could see one girl slide a hand from the top of his chest, down over the zipper in his jeans. I forced my eyes to look away and told myself one last time why I was here.

  To have a damn good time, without Cade.

  Then, reaching for the clear pint of vodka sitting on the counter, I took a drink straight from the bottle, rinsing it down with the warm beer in my hand.

  Disgusting, but I forced the bile rising in my throat back down.

  “Damn girl, what’s your name again?” the blonde guy asked me, curiosity flickering in his eyes.

  I blushed and mustered the courage to seem more confident than I was actually feeling. “Emma. And you are?” A slight smile pulled at my lips.

  Was I overdoing it? Shit, I don’t know.