“I couldn’t believe it. The last I saw him, he was happy and in love. He shouldn’t have died. If anyone should’ve died, it should’ve been me. And that day, when all that pain overwhelmed me, I almost took Death’s hand,” she confessed to the room, hot tears falling quickly from her eyes, remembering walking out into the cool water of the Pacific and almost letting it take her. But the love of the people in this room plus others not there made her fight. She pushed herself to the surface and took the biggest, deepest breath of her life. That was not her day to die.
With a deep exhale of breath, Mia turned to Lizzie and continued. “I remember going to Tom’s funeral and meeting you for the first time. The moment you heard my name, you knew, and instead of being hateful like I thought you would, you took me in your arms and told me he loved me. It wasn’t said in a mean way. It was said in …”
“Acceptance. Understanding,” Lizzie supplied and Mia nodded, gasping for air, sobbing.
“I thought you would hate me. I mean, I hated me. I hurt Tom. That pain was still there the last time I saw him and I think it was there because I had given up. It took me awhile, but I realized that he’d never forgive me if I gave up instead of fighting for what I wanted, what I gave him up for. After the funeral, I realized I was wasting my life away. I realized I couldn’t drown my demons. They unfortunately knew how to swim. My life was worth living. I had to do something else. It was time to face them and fight for what I wanted. I was ready to fight my past so I said yes to the movie. I focused on therapy. Though there were some unexpected setbacks, I decided not to take those lying down. I was going to live. And I was somehow going to get the life I wanted.”
She didn’t say the rest. She was still fighting and was afraid she was going to lose. That she would be alone without Ethan.
“After the overdose, I’d been going through the motions. I was just basically waiting to die. Tom’s death changed me. It saved my life.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me this?” Ethan asked. She heard the accusation in his voice and it pissed her off. Her earlier anger returned with a vengeance.
Goddamn it! Why do I feel so angry at him? She didn’t understand the rage, but it was there, latching on to her already heated emotions and multiplying exponentially. And she let it loose on the man in front of her—the cause of her recent pain and heartache.
“Oh, I didn’t realize I needed to tell you about all the guys I fucked when I wasn’t with you. Am I supposed to give you specifics? How they were different from you? How they were better? Worse? The list isn’t long! Most of them are in this goddamn house!”
Luke came to her side, grabbing her arm. “Stop. Now, Mia,” he warned. Ignoring him, she opened her closed fists and found her hands shaking as the tears rushed to her eyes. She looked up at Ethan.
“If I answer, will you?”
Luke’s face was next to hers. His angry voice growling in her ear. “This is your family. Do not hurt them because of what Ethan did.”
Oh, Mia knew she was being stubborn, but didn’t care right now. The need to hurt him, make him feel some of what she had felt over the past couple months, overpowered her.
Pushing away from Luke, she stood in front of her husband, her voice low, but full of all the anger and hurt she felt because of his affair. “How was Kristen? Did you like the feel of her fake breasts in your hands? In your mouth? Did you like the way she sucked your cock? Fuck! What is it about that whore that makes you keep going back to fuck her?”
“Goddamn it, Mia! Stop! Right now!” Luke ordered, pulling her to him. She shook him off and studied her husband. Ethan took her verbal outrage. His broad shoulders drooped in defeat. He would not fight that. He’d let her tell everyone what had happened. She basically just had … if they were paying any attention at all.
Fuck!
“I’m sorry,” she said, forcing herself to look at him. She tried to control the tears, but they spilled at the hurt so plain on his face.
Her mind was screaming to run and that’s what she did. Leaving the kitchen, she hurried through the house, and right out the front door to sit on the porch stairs.
The air was thick, the dark sky littered with clouds, blocking the moonlight. The street was quiet and she could hear her heart pound in her chest.
With her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands, she cried—cried for the lost time with Tom, the hurt she’d caused her husband, and for the mess of her marriage. Would the anger and hurt ever go away? It surprised her how the anger just popped up and latched on to her already turbulent emotions. And she directed it all at Ethan.
She couldn’t believe she’d just done that. She hadn’t listened to Luke. She just kept attacking, kept ignoring her friend who was only trying to help, trying to stop her from hurting Ethan … and herself … and everyone else.
When the door opened, she knew it was Ethan. She didn’t have to look to know he was there. He sat down next to her, his thigh touching hers and instead of desire, she felt shame.
“I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry. I feel like I did the night I slapped you. Instant regret.” She dared to look over at him. He stared at the spot where their legs met. “I don’t know where the rage came from. But it was there and it just took over.”
Still silent.
She reached over and rested her hand on his knee, palm up, a peace offering. She willed him to take her hand. Fresh tears slipped from her eyes when he placed his palm on hers, lining up their fingertips. He held his hand like that for a long moment before lacing his fingers with hers.
“I’m sorry for embarrassing you in front of our friends,” she added quietly.
He lifted their joined hands to his parted lips and placed them on her hand. His warm mouth lingered and her eyes were drawn to their hands, his mouth. They hypnotized her. She shook her head. He still had yet to speak to her.
“Are you going to say something?”
He kissed her hand one more time and lowered their joined hands to his lap. Looking over at her, his eyebrows rose thoughtfully.
“You warned me. I pushed.”
“Yes, but I lashed out about something entirely off-topic …”
“Mia. It’s okay.” And he actually smiled. He looked pleased. Why?
“You are confusing me,” she admitted, taking in his happy face.
“I don’t mean to. You care—about me. That makes me happy. I know you won’t or can’t say it right now, but I’m starting to see that you still love me.”
He was right … of course, but also a little too cocky.
“You have always been way too confident,” she said, brushing him off.
“You think so? I was not a confident man the night I cheated on you. I was an insecure coward,” he responded in a low, tormented voice, his eyes downcast.
“Let’s go back inside,” he said abruptly. He moved to get up but she called out his name and pulled him back down to her. She regarded his kind face and felt the love for him deep down in her heart, flowing throughout her body. Grabbing his face, she kissed him quick and hard.
“I don’t think you’re a coward, Ethan. You’re so much better than that,” she said and then stood up. He did the same, a small smile on his face. With their hands still joined, he opened the front door and led her through the house, back to the party. They found everyone in the sunroom where the shades had been drawn and a few lights had been turned on. They had rearranged the room a little bit so the seating wasn’t so far apart. It was very intimate. She smiled when she saw that they’d left the love seat open for them.
Ethan didn’t let go of her hand and drew her to sit next to him. It shouldn’t be such a big deal that she didn’t want to let go either. But it was. They seemed to be on the right path, she could feel it. And that thought made her so damn happy.
Luke and Allie smiled at her. They knew how big this was. Having sex with him was one thing, but the intimacy of holding his hand and sitting by his side—that was something else.
She leaned back against him and listened to the conversation, the entire time he caressed her hand with his thumb.
Today, she’d realized how much she wanted her marriage. Yet she was still so scared. Could she trust him not to hurt her like that ever again? To be with just her forever? Did she have the strength to take that step?
Mia
“So, I was thinking,” Mia started, her head leaning on Ethan’s strong shoulder. “I don’t remember leaving Tom. I would have just stayed. Leaving is not my style.”
Ethan chuckled, his breath making her hair tickle her forehead.
Score one for Ethan.
“Shut it, husband,” she said crossly.
“Uh …” Marty began. He looked at Clark and they both blushed.
“What did you two do?” Mia pounced. She practically jumped from her seat to where Marty and Clark were sitting.
“Well,” Clark began, rubbing the back of his neck, “Marty wanted to leave and since you’d come with us, we went and got you.”
“Wait,” she paused, thinking this through. “You got me? What does that mean?”
Marty scrunched up his face and scratched his head. “Uh, Clark and I went into the bedroom and took you out of bed.”
“But I was naked!”
“Very naked,” Clark added.
“Well, yeah. We got you dressed and put you in the car. Then we went back to Clark’s,” Marty explained, his discomfiture evident.
“You guys saw me naked?”
“Yeah, twice actually. Because as we were exiting the car, you thought that would be the perfect time to throw up all over yourself.”
“I can’t believe this. Seriously. All three of you have seen me naked?”
“Yes, and we still respect you,” Marty said with an insolent smirk on his face.
“Ass,” she quipped back.
“Yep, saw that, too.”
“Oh my God!” she huffed, completely and utterly exasperated.
Everyone laughed at her expense and so did she. It was a good thing she loved those three guys like brothers. Otherwise she’d have to kick their asses … she still might. There’d be more tours where boredom would lead to some fun payback. She’d be ready.
“Tell me more about your past. I’m curious about you and Luke hooking up again. I thought the relationship ended when he moved to Indy,” Ethan asked.
“Uh, no. It didn’t. We were basically friends with benefits for a long time.”
“Until?”
“I met you.”
“Really?” he asked, his voice rising an octave.
“Mmhmm.”
She could tell Ethan was surprised by that answer.
“When was the last time you two were intimate?” Allie asked, joining the conversation.
“After calling in the 2006 New Year,” Luke answered his wife.
“There were long stretches when nothing happened between us. He’d be seeing someone or stuff with the band would keep me away. For the most part, we were off.”
“When did you break up for good?” Allie asked. Mia and Allie had never really spoken about her past with Luke, and she had no idea what Luke may or may not have told her. She’d been a little afraid to bring it up in detail, and if it wasn’t asked directly, like now, it wasn’t offered. “Officially, the week I met Ethan. Unofficially, the January before that.”
“What happened this night that Lizzie said Luke came back into the picture?” Allie asked.
“I can show you,” Marc offered, looking up from his phone, a grin on his face.
Mia eyed Marc warily. “What do you mean?”
“Well, I’ve been working on converting all my videos into a digital format for a project I want to work on. I have them up on my secure site and right now I’m up to 2005, so I’m pretty sure I have this night in question on there.”
“Aww, fuck,” Mia groaned.
“Can you check?” Ethan asked Marc and he went back to his phone. Mia studied both Allie and Ethan. They were definitely curious. Her wide eyes then sought out Luke. He sighed and shook his head.
“Found it!” Marc announced less than a minute later.
“Can we see?” Allie asked.
“Uh, that’s not a good idea,” Mia said, thinking of the last tape. “You do realize you may see Luke and I as a couple, possibly all over each other?”
“Yes,” Ethan answered unperturbed.
“Plus I want to see you two back then,” Allie added.
“Luke?” Mia complained.
“Let them see it if that’s what they want.”
Her head fell back in defeat and she let out a puff of air. “Fine!”
Mia grudgingly pushed herself out of her comfy seat and crossed the room to the entertainment cabinet. She opened it up and took out her iPad which she gave to Marc, instructing him to pull up the video on that.
“Why?”
“I’ll then put it on the TV,” she replied.
A few moments later, he pulled up the video and then with a couple taps, he had it on the TV. The thumbnail showed her and Tom in a booth at a club.
Ah, fuck. She remembered this night.
Still standing, she started the video. There was no way she could be by Ethan while they were watching this. She knew what she and Luke had done in that club. What she didn’t know was what Marc had recorded. Him and that damn video camera!
The video showed Mia sitting next to Tom at the end of a half-circle enclosed booth. Tom had his arm around her shoulders, his fingers idly caressing her bare shoulder, occasionally toying with the fabric of her soft pink halter top.
Marty, Todd, and Clark were there too, as well as a couple of girls she didn’t remember. Probably some old girlfriends. The music was very loud and thumping. The table was littered with varying states of empties and bottles of beer. She wondered how many of the drinks were hers. Mia held her drink in her hand while Tom talked to her.
“I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve been out,” Mia said.
“Yeah … where’ve you been?” Tom asked.
“Recuperating. All I really remember from that last party was waking up at Clark’s house, trying to figure out why my head hurt so bad,” she said and then turned to look at the camera. “And I blame you, Marc. God, do I even want to know what you gave me that night at your place?”
“No. Nor will I tell you,” Marc said from behind the camera.
“That’s probably better. I never want to do that again. I really don’t remember that night at all. I do remember arriving, but that’s about it.”
Tom eyes went wide. It appeared he didn’t know that she had taken anything mood-altering. “You don’t remember anything?” he asked, trying to probe her mind.
She shook her head. “Nope.”
She hadn’t seen it at the time but the camera showed Tom’s mouth twitch and his eyes brighten. His caresses then became bolder and Mia saw herself enjoy his attention.
He’d leaned in, his body close to her and pressed his mouth to her ear so only she could hear him.
She looked over at Tom and sighed. “But I’m happy here. To dance, I’d have to get up and go out there. Here, you can still whisper in my ear.”
“I can still whisper in your ear out there.”
She appeared to think about it for a minute but shook her head.
“Well, I suppose we can stay here but I’d really like to see you dance,” he said, giving her a little, fake pout.
“Really? I suppose I could dance here for you,” she said, slamming back the rest of her drink. Then she stood up on the bench and began to dance, her hips swaying seductively at him, her hands up in the air as she began to feel the rhythm of the music. The guys were cheering her on.
Tom leaned back, an approving smile on his face. Her black skirt swished and swayed with her movements, revealing more and more of her thighs.
“Yeah!” by Usher faded into “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake, and Mia began to sing along as she danced. S
he had loved that song back then.
“Damn, Mia!” Ethan exclaimed. She turned to look at him and saw his smile. He liked that. She had never danced for him. Maybe she should rethink that. A lot of things she needed to rethink.
“If I had known I’d be greeted like this, I would have arrived much sooner,” came the unmistakable voice of Luke off-screen. Mia stopped dancing and the camera panned out to include Luke. He stood near the table, watching her, a cocky grin on his face. She turned around, smiled widely, then flew into his arms, all her limbs wrapping around him. His hands supported her bottom, his thumbs caressing the little bit of skin showing between her skirt and top.
“He touched the butt,” Mia said, giggling like an immature teenager.
“You just ruined Finding Nemo forever,” Lizzie moaned.
“Oh no. I just made it better!” she laughed.
Luke held her like that for a few moments before she pushed back. Her eyes quickly scanned his face, her smile growing wider before she kissed him—hard.
She remembered that kiss. It had been over four months since she had last seen him. He had been so busy with his new position that they rarely got to talk, let alone see each other. She’d needed that contact. Craved it. She loved his hands on her body, digging into her backside, feeling their warmth through her skirt.
She stole a quick glance at Ethan then Allie. He appeared to be grinding his teeth and Allie stared at the television screen, biting down on her thumbnail. Mia told them watching this was a bad idea. But no, they hadn’t listened to her.
“You miss me?” Luke asked her, his smirk silently telling her all the things he wanted to do to her.
She nodded and kissed him again, her fingers toying with the hair resting on his neck. She abruptly broke the kiss and smiled at him. “You missed me too!”
He laughed full-heartedly and then tenderly kissed her forehead before letting her down. He still kissed her forehead like that even now.
Never Over You Page 36