by Sara Wood
‘Jai, it’s OK,’ he said instead, quite unusually stilted in his manner. ‘We’re staying put for at least a couple of years. After then…I’m not sure. You know how it is.’
‘Two years!’ the boys crowed. Cassian opened his mouth and shut it, his jaw tight.
Laura almost joined in the cheers. She began to feel a little better, knowing that she had two whole years with Cassian. They’d live in close proximity. Judging by the way that they had instantly melded into a happy, friendly unit, they would all get on well. And Cassian would surely not want to break that unit up at the end of that two years.
Maybe she wouldn’t ever be as special or as beautiful as his late wife, but she would be an important part of his life. And that was enough for her.
Serene amid the noisy, excited chatter, she smiled indulgently at the boys as their friendship blossomed.
‘I’m shattered,’ Jai announced with a yawn when they were all sitting in the drawing room around a cheery log fire. ‘Mind if I go to bed?’
‘Me too,’ said Adam.
‘I’ll make up a bed,’ Laura said warmly.
‘Will I be in the same room as Adam?’ Jai asked, his eyes so appealingly like Cassian’s that she laughed, unable to resist his plea.
‘If you like!’
She covered her ears when the boys shouted their delight and found herself enveloped in wiry arms, one dark head and one fair buried against her middle.
‘I think you’re a hit, Laura,’ Cassian said in a thoughtful tone.
She heaved a huge sigh of pleasure and put away her niggling doubts about Cassian’s love for his late wife.
‘Has there ever been a more perfect day?’ she marvelled, her eyes desperately hoping that he’d agree.
‘It’s been eventful,’ he replied, with masterly understatement. ‘Come on, boys. A quick bath each and bed. I’ll tell you about the ghost of the miner’s daughter who haunts Bardale Peak if you’re tucked up in fifteen minutes.’
‘Ten!’ cried Adam and led the charge up the stairs.
Cassian followed Laura, his mind in turmoil. He could barely answer her comments as they moved the spare bed into Adam’s room and made it up for Jai. He’d get through the next half hour and then he’d have to do some thinking.
She was humming to herself. Her entire face seemed luminous and he couldn’t bear the pain that gave him.
‘Adam will do so well, with Jai here,’ she said softly, her eyes shining with happy tears. ‘You…you don’t know what this means to me, Cassian,’ she continued. ‘To see my child transformed, because of you, because he has found a trustworthy friend in Jai, means more to me than if I’d won the lottery.’
He understood. And because he did, because he knew that his own happiness depended largely on Jai’s well-being, he felt doubly torn. She and Adam had changed beyond all recognition. Jai wanted them all to live like one big family.
And he…he even wished he could tutor Adam so the two boys learnt together. It was a fatuous idea. Of course it was.
‘I’ll chivvy those boys up,’ he said shortly and knew she was disappointed that he hadn’t acknowledged her happiness. She looked at him uncertainly and then went downstairs.
He stood in Adam’s empty bedroom and gave a token yell at the boys, his breathing hard and fast. He couldn’t allow this situation to develop. Nor did he want to feel this deeply. Didn’t want to be possessed, obsessed.
His freedom was seeping away and soon he’d be back in the nightmare of his youth. Trapped. Cornered as surely as if he’d been shut in a cupboard.
The sex was fantastic. But love…that was something else. He didn’t want this compulsion to stay close to Laura, to touch her every few moments, to ache with a sense of loss when she wasn’t within his sight.
Love struck deep inside you. It took over your muscles, your veins, your lungs and every single brain cell. He would fight it. Stay detached.
‘Story!’ yelled Jai, hurling himself forwards like a projectile.
Cassian caught him and flung him on the bed, laughing despite his worries. And he did the same to Adam, because the child desperately needed some rough and tumble too.
God. What was he going to do, break three hearts?
CHAPTER ELEVEN
AFTER the story he told Laura that he had work to do, and went into the study, her image—soft, sensuous, loving—imprinted indelibly on his brain.
Of course he couldn’t work. He couldn’t think, either, and sat in a leather chair morosely nursing a whisky, wishing that life consisted of him and Jai and no one else.
Except…he sighed. Laura filled his mind, intruding on logical thought. Perhaps tomorrow he’d be more able to decide what to do. If the weather was suitable, he’d take a flight and let his instincts dictate his future.
Feeling extraordinarily tired and subdued, he wandered slowly along the darkened hallway to where Laura sat reading recipes in the sitting room.
The firelight cast a glow over her absorbed face. Her dark lashes were thick arcs on her flawless cheeks and her lips were parted as she frowned at the recipe book, perhaps, he mused, working out quantities or deciding which day she’d surprise them with another superlative meal.
But she was a meal in herself. Her lissom body was curled on the sofa, every inch of her desirable from the top of her gleaming scalp to the delicate, beautifully arched feet which he had kissed so fervently that very day.
Something hard and painful cramped in his chest and he bit back an urge to invite her to stay for ever. With a tremendous effort, he forced his voice to sound casual.
‘I’m going up. Fantastic supper,’ he said, extending his goodnight even though he wanted to hurry away to the isolation of his room. ‘See you tomorrow. Night.’
She had risen, her eyes on his. He could turn away with a curt nod… No. He couldn’t. She held him fast, his feet were rooted to the ground.
‘Goodnight,’ she said softly, coming to put her arms around his neck.
He found himself kissing her, the sweetness of her mouth taking his breath away.
‘I’m pleased Jai likes me,’ she sighed, snuggling into his embrace more securely.
Unseeing, he stared over her head. Jai’s longing for a mother had shaken him—together with the fact that his son had clearly wanted stability, too, a home of some kind.
The wanderer wants a home, he thought wryly. The homebody wants to wander.
‘I’ve never kissed a famous author before,’ she murmured into his throat. ‘I suppose you’re a literary genius and that’s why you aren’t rich beyond the dreams of Averil.’
He smiled at her joke. And felt safe enough with her, sure of her discretion, to come clean. He didn’t want secrets from her. He wanted to share.
‘I am rich,’ he said gently. ‘I just don’t keep much of my money. It comes in, I keep what I think I’ll need, and the rest—’
‘Goes to the charity?’ she gasped.
‘I trust you not to breathe a word to anyone.’
Her hand lifted to caress his cheek. ‘You are the most amazing man I’ve ever known,’ she said shakily.
A wonderful sensation—pride, joy, contentment—meandered silkily through every inch of his body. ‘You must get out more,’ he chuckled. Kissed her small nose, and beat a hasty retreat.
With a crescent of Day-Glo orange spread out behind him, he checked the wind and cloud formations again. His narrowed eyes scanned the ridge of hills, now lit by the warm morning sun.
Tightening the strap on his helmet, he began the short run to the edge of the hilltop and launched himself into the air.
Freedom.
A huge sigh released itself from his tense chest. It was a long time since he’d flown and he’d missed the sensation of becoming unshackled from the world.
His feelings for Laura were more intense than any he’d ever known, but he had to remember that a permanent relationship came with strings that eventually strangled him.
Yet Jai would love
to have her around.
Cassian searched for more lift, found it, and shot up a few hundred feet. Now he could see Thrushton and the manor at the edge of the village. What was it about this place that gave him such a sense of calm and well-being? It was as if he had come home—despite his troubled teenage years there.
Jai and Adam would be exploring Hangman’s Wood by now. They’d come back, dirty, dishevelled and talking nineteen to the dozen and Laura and he would listen to their exploits and smile at one another…
He frowned. Laura. Laura, Laura! She never left him alone. Slid into his thoughts and his vision, forcing him to acknowledge how powerfully she had entered his life. Too far, too fast. He had to cool things down. And separation was the only way.
He’d never intended that she should stay. Jai and Adam and Laura had misinterpreted his remark when he’d said they’d be living at Thrushton Hall for at least two years. He’d been referring to Jai and himself. Now he’d have to clarify the situation.
No problem. A straightforward statement of fact. And yet he was shying away from even voicing it to himself.
Slowly he worked his way along the ridge in the direction of Thrushton, as though he couldn’t bear to be parted from it for long. The wind began to buffet him and he had to stop thinking and focus hard on keeping up in the air.
But he was losing height and the wind was throwing him around too violently so he made a running landing and packed up for the day, feeling vaguely unsatisfied.
The flight had been enjoyable but it hadn’t thrilled him as it used to. He found he was hurrying to fold up his ‘wing’, eager to return…to Laura.
He groaned. Maybe if he steeped himself in her the obsession would pall. He’d go back, make love to her… His body jerked in anticipation and he ruefully stowed the wing in its sack, recognising that there was only one thing on his mind. To hold Laura in his arms. To smell her, feel her, hear her, look at her.
The journey was short, he knew, but even then it took too long. And when he arrived, shouting to her, struck dumb by the answering silence, he knew a disappointment so keen that it unnerved him totally.
He’d wanted to see her smile at him, the cute lift of each corner of her lips, the whiteness of her even teeth. To listen to the warmth in her voice with its husky cadences as she spoke to him. Her scent was in his nostrils now, tantalising him; the clean smell of the shampoo she used, the subtle elusiveness of her favourite geranium and orange soap.
But without her presence, there was nothing but emptiness in the big house. It was as if it had died.
Quite at a loss as to what to do, he wandered into the garden behind the manor and passed the time waiting for Laura by planning a herb garden. It would be dual purpose—culinary and medicinal, and he’d draw on what he’d learnt from the Morrocan herbalist.
Mint to keep flies at bay. Nettles for pesticide—and to flavour the soft fruit he’d grow, chives for blackspot and aphids on the roses… Meadowsweet, heartsease, chamomile…
He couldn’t wait to start planting. And what else? Perhaps at the far end of the garden he’d build a chicken run so they could have fresh, new-laid eggs. Extend the vegetable garden of course—
He blinked, and leaned against the sunwarmed wall of the house, suddenly sure—absolutely positive—that he wanted to put down roots here. Not just for two years. For the rest of his life. His mouth curved into a smile, his decision giving him a peace of mind he’d never known before.
‘You look happy,’ came Laura’s soft voice.
It trembled a little, as if emotion bubbled within her and her eyes were luminous. He felt his knees weaken.
‘I am.’ But he didn’t tell her why. And he had to fight his longing to include her in his plans.
‘So am I. I’ve been talking to Tom about my mother. It’s so wonderful, getting to know her, Cassian!’
‘I’m very pleased for you,’ he said, lightly touching her arm.
And suddenly she was nestled up to his chest and the house, the garden, his life, seemed complete again. His lips caressed her forehead while fear and excitement tussled with one another.
Maybe his idea of sating his desire wasn’t a good one. It went without saying that Laura gave him the kind of sexual satisfaction he’d dreamed about. But she also made security and a cosy family life seem appealing. When, in fact, it wasn’t.
Her fingers laced in his hair. Her laughing eyes were melting into his. Every part of his body was alight, energised, strangely empty. With increasingly drugged eyes, he gazed at her soft lips and let her warmth seep remorselessly into him. He paused, his heart thundering. There was nothing he could do to draw back—his desire was too overwhelming.
‘I want you,’ he said hoarsely.
Detaching herself, she gave a beguiling smile and walked to the door, the glance over her shoulder telling him that he was to follow.
And follow he did, hopelessly tied to a woman’s smile, soft blue eyes, a lushly mobile body. And hoping that was all. Pure physical lust.
Gently, with near-reverence, he made slow and adoring love to her. The poignancy of her whimpers and sighs caused a bitter-sweetness within him that led him to extend her pleasure until she was almost weeping with frustration.
His climax, and hers, both awed and unnerved him. Nothing could be this good. He was imagining it. No two bodies could move in such harmony, feel so good, offer such mutual rapture, or make him wonder if he’d been bewitched or transported to a heaven.
He didn’t want to move, but held her in his arms, lost in a state of unbelievable bliss. And fear. This was getting beyond his control. No one should feel so attached to someone.
It was as if he depended on Laura for his very existence. A lump of terror came up in his throat, his heart beating frantically. And he finally detached himself.
They were both quiet when they wandered hand in hand downstairs later, and he wondered if she too was contemplating their relationship.
His throat dried again. He had to make his position clear. It was only fair.
‘Laura,’ he croaked, as she began her bread-making ritual. ‘I must talk to you. Get things straight—’
‘Things?’ she asked, her eyes instantly wary.
He took the precaution of staring out of the window. Without her glorious, sexually glowing face in his vision, he’d focus more sharply.
‘I think, over the past few days,’ he muttered, ‘I’ve known every emotion in the book.’
‘Me, too.’
Hearing the smile in her soft voice, he steadied himself, his hands flat on the work counter. Behind him he could hear the dough being thumped and he hurried on, anxious not to hurt her.
‘It’s…it’s happened so fast, been such a roller-coaster that I hardly know where I am—’
‘I know. It’s lovely but it’s scary, too,’ she murmured in agreement.
‘We need to slow down a bit.’
He almost smiled at himself. Was this really him talking—advising caution? Was he actually suggesting they lived with their heads for a while, instead of their instincts?
‘If you like,’ she said casually.
His head lifted in relief. She wasn’t going to tie him down, to demand further commitment. A load lifted from his mind and he turned to watch her as she deftly kneaded the dough. Not too violently. Normal. Rational. Serene. And she smiled encouragingly at him, a dazzling smile that made his heart ache.
‘I’m glad you feel that way,’ he husked.
‘I wonder,’ she mused, glancing out of the window behind him, ‘where Adam and Jai have got to now? They’re as thick as thieves, aren’t they?’ She laughed, her pearly teeth glistening in her rosy mouth. ‘I suppose I’ll have a heap of washing to do when they come in!’
He knew what she was implying. That their sons were now a unit. But, he thought with a frown, that didn’t mean they all had to live together.
‘Laura, I don’t want to lose what we have, you and me—’
‘Nor do I,’ sh
e said, her eyes far too tender and mesmerising for him to stay unmoved.
‘You know, I hope, that I’m not a man to make commitments,’ he warned with quick urgency. ‘I don’t want to be trapped—’
‘What commitments? And who’s trapping you?’ she asked in amiable surprise. ‘You come and go as you like and I don’t ask where you’ve been or where you’re going—’
‘It’s not just that,’ he said gently. ‘Let me explain. You told me once that I wasn’t to make Adam too fond of me because I wasn’t going to be part of his life for long—no, wait, hear me out,’ he said, when it seemed she’d interrupt.
The dough was left unheeded on the table. Dusted appealingly with flour as usual, she stared at him wide-eyed, her arms hanging by her sides.
‘I’m listening.’ Her voice shook.
‘We’re in danger here of giving the kids the wrong idea.’
‘Are we?’ she asked, her eyes piercing blue and startlingly luminous.
He could kiss her. Brush her hair from her forehead, chide her for coating herself in flour…
He swallowed. This had to be said. ‘I’m worried that we’re all getting too cosy. We’re moving into Walton territory.’
‘Nothing wrong with that, except all those interminable “goodnights”,’ she said with a wicked little grin.
No way could he smile. He was too worried. ‘And what if it all goes wrong?’ he shot. ‘You saw how Jai was about you,’ he croaked, longing to take her in his arms and say it would be all right, that she wouldn’t be hurt. But he couldn’t promise that. ‘He wants a mother figure and has fixated on you. But the last thing I want is for him to be upset. We don’t know what will happen between us, you and me. We might stay together for a while and part, we might separate tomorrow. Nothing is certain in this world. We can’t let the boys think we’re heading towards something permanent.’
He could feel the pain in her. And it was tearing him in two. But he had to be honest.
‘You can’t protect Jai from everything,’ she breathed. ‘You’ve taught me that. What happened to seizing the day? To living life? Learning to cope with disappointments?’