Every Kiss

by Tasha Ivey

  “Here, drink this. It tastes like shit, but it will calm your nerves a little bit, and you’ll care a little less about the snooty people out there.” He shoves one glass into my hand and tilts it toward my mouth.

  I take a tiny sip and feel the bubbles dancing against the roof of my mouth. “You know I’m not twenty-one for a few weeks, right?”

  “Didn’t stop you at my birthday party, now, did it? Just drink it.”

  I shrug and lift the flute to my lips, drinking until it’s empty.

  “Good,” Wes encourages, trading my empty glass for the full one. “Now this one. All of it.”

  “Well, Wesley Baxter, it appears you’re trying to get me drunk.”

  “Not a chance. Just loosening you up a little. You don’t normally care what anybody thinks, and you shouldn’t be any different with these people . . . or my mom.” He pauses to take the other glass from me. “Better?”

  I nod. Since I haven’t eaten yet, I can feel the warmth of the alcohol already hitting my bloodstream.

  “I’m sorry I had to leave you alone for a while, but I’m yours the rest of the evening. And I know I already told you this, but I meant it. You’re beautiful.”

  “And you’re horrible at not flirting, but you’re not so bad yourself.”

  “Flirting?” A conflicted look sweeps over his face before he reaches out and takes my hand, slipping it into his jacket to cover his heart. “Callie, do you feel that?”

  The steady thrum of his heart is pulsing wildly. “Yeah.”

  “You do that to me. Every single time you’re around. No matter how many times I tell myself that we can only be friends. No matter how many times I try not to let you get to me. I can’t make it stop. I’m not just flirting with you. You slay me, and it takes everything I have in me to keep you from seeing it. But I can tell you want it, too. Please just admit that to me.”

  “Yes,” I whisper.

  He squeezes my hand against his chest and runs the other hand through his hair. “I wish I could give you what it is that you want, what you deserve. I swear I do, Callie. But I can’t make a commitment to you, not the way you would need me to. I won’t lie to you; I can’t do the boyfriend thing. So I’m laying it all out there. Right now. No games. You just admitted that you want me, and I sure as hell want you, so can’t we just start with that? But I’m always going to be totally straight with you. I can’t make you any promises. I don’t want to use you, but in essence, that’s exactly what I’ll be doing.”

  I try to swallow but my suddenly dry tongue hangs in my throat. I want to tell him that he’s insane if he thinks for one second that I’ll just sleep with him without any chance of a relationship. I’ve seen Allison. I’ve heard how he only calls her when he needs her. I don’t want to be that person. I won’t be that person. I won’t be one of the many women revolving in and out of his life.

  But at the same time, I can’t help thinking that maybe it’s what’s best for me. Maybe the simplicity of casual sex would be good for me. Relationships have been beyond complicated for me lately, and . . .

  Wait a minute. Who am I kidding? It won’t work. One or both of us will end up hurt, and everything will just be awkward when we’re forced to be around each other. No. It just can’t be this way. We can only be friends. Or maybe we shouldn’t even be that.

  “Callie, don’t. I can see those wheels turning, and I shouldn’t have brought it up here. I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of days, but I should’ve waited until another time. Let’s just enjoy tonight. Take some time to think about everything, and we’ll discuss it another day. Okay?”

  “Yeah, okay.” My voice barely croaks out the answer.

  “Forget I opened my big mouth. The dim lighting and champagne are screwing with my head. And you’re so . . . so . . . I just can’t stop looking at you.” He wraps his arms around me, swaying back and forth to the music echoing into the cavernous room. “Did I totally kill the chance to have you dance with me?”

  “I’d love to,” I say, taking a step toward the door, but he stays rooted in place.

  “No, in here. Let’s just enjoy the quiet for a second.” He leads me out to the dim dance floor and pulls me close, linking his fingers low on my back. I start out with both hands resting on his shoulders, resisting the closeness of him, but it’s not a battle I’m strong enough to fight for too long. Finally, I reach both arms around his neck and rest my head against his shoulder, closing my eyes. And I’m not at all surprised when I feel his cool lips press a kiss against my forehead.

  I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to think. I won’t lie about wanting him, but I also won’t lie that I’m scared of getting hurt. I’m attracted to him, painfully so, and he’s made it abundantly clear that he feels the same way. I don’t know him all that well, but I feel like I do. There aren’t really any guessing games with him. He’s honest about what he wants. Me.

  Even though I can respect his repulsion toward commitment, especially since he’s honest about it, I know I like him. If we throw sex into the equation, what if “like” turns into something more, evolving into more than either of us bargained for? He’s made it clear that he’ll walk away, and I’ll be the one left with the broken pieces to clean up. Regardless of the simplicity of what we both want right now, I have a feeling it will become more, and I have to take the inevitable end into serious consideration.

  After two songs, the band announces they’re taking a break, and I lean back to look up at Wes. “Maybe we should go find your mom.”

  He nods. “Yeah, she’s probably looking for me by now. But before we go, I need to say something.” Both of his hands slide up my back to either side of my neck. “Callie, you deserve so much more than anything I could ever give. You’re perfect. Don’t settle for anything less than that. Regardless of what nonsense spews out of my mouth, don’t let some jerk like me use you.”

  I open my mouth, although I’m afraid of what’s about to come out of it. My saving grace comes in the form of a petite brunette sweeping into the room as if she’s on a mission.

  “Well, there you are, handsome. I’ve been looking for you.” She walks up to Wes and accepts a kiss on the cheek from him before turning to me. “And unless my son is a complete moron, I’ll assume he’s all hugged up to the date he told me about. You must be Callie.”

  I take her extended hand and shake it. “Yes, ma’am. It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Baxter. Thank you for arranging the gorgeous dresses for us.” Speaking of dresses, the one she’s wearing is stunning. The color of midnight blue, it has a wide boat neck and is fitted perfectly all the way to her knees. It reminds me of something stylish that Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis would have worn. Even though she has chocolate eyes, I can see that Shane got a lot of his looks from her.

  “Oh, please, honey. It’s the least I could do for you after agreeing to accompany Wesley. I like for the boys to bring pretty girls to these things. It’s my way of keeping my friends from trying to set them up with their selfish daughters.”

  “Mom, seriously?” Wes groans.

  “What? It’s the truth. You know how some of these people are.” She’s not ashamed to admit it either. I think I like her. “You’re a pretty little thing, too. Finally, my son has some real taste.”

  “Uh, thanks?”

  “Mom, please,” Wes begs. But he’s smiling and shaking his head at her.

  She pokes a bony finger into his bicep. “Are you telling me you don’t agree?”

  “No, ma’am. I have the honor of being in the presence of the prettiest women here.”

  “Ah, now you’re acting just like your dad. Such a charmer. Give me a kiss, sweet boy, and get this girl some dinner. They’re about to serve everyone.”

  He bends down to her as she takes his face in her hands. “Love you, Mom,” he says softly as they kiss each other’s cheeks at the same time.

  “Love you, darlin’. Callie, I expect I’ll be seeing you around a little more now that we’ve me
t.”

  “Yes, ma’am. I look forward to it.”

  She smiles, watching Wes’ hand go to the small of my back. “Find me and let me know when you’re heading home later.” She turns and looks back over her shoulder after taking only a couple of steps. “And Wesley? Is it just me, or are there a few embers?”

  He chuckles and looks at me, then back to her. “Yes, ma’am. More than a few.”

  “About time,” she says under her breath as she walks away.

  Wes urges me forward, but I plant my feet. “Embers?”

  “I’ll explain another time. Trust me on that.”

  I’m not satisfied with his answer, but it’s clear he’s not going to explain right now. We join Makenna and Shane at the table just as the first course is served, and by the time dessert makes its way to the table, my cheeks hurt from laughing so much. The banter between Wes and Shane is hilarious, and seeing Wes so different has been good for me. This isn’t Tall, Dark, and Moody or Sexy Suit CEO. There’s no mask. No walls. Just Wes. And I really enjoy being around him. A lot. And it scares the hell out of me because I know there’s no future for us. There’s no more that can come of this. Well, unless I agree to the benefits part.

  And for some reason, I’m not so scared of that anymore. I want to be with him. I want to stop fighting the constant, nagging pull between us and just let it happen. It may make everything much more complicated, but maybe it won’t. I won’t ever know for sure if I don’t try it. I’ll just have to constantly remind myself that there won’t be an emotional connection. Just purely physical. And if it doesn’t work out, then we’ll have to learn to keep things on a friendly level. People make these kinds of arrangements all the time.

  So . . . I’m going to do it. Literally. Maybe it’s hormones or the fact that I haven’t been intimate with anyone in a while, but regardless of the reasons, this feeling won’t go away until I just do it. And if I don’t tell him now, I’m afraid I’ll chicken out. That in itself is rather scary. I’m usually the forward one.

  While Shane and Mak are looking at some pictures on his cell phone and Wes is turned around in his seat, chatting with someone at our neighboring table, I take my phone out of my lap and send him the two hardest words I’ve ever typed. It’s only five little letters, and my fingers are so unsteady that I keep hitting the wrong buttons.

  I swear my heart stops when I hear his phone chime in his pocket. I can’t retract it. It’s there. He’s going to see it.

  Wes is still talking when he pulls it out and unlocks the screen. I watch over his shoulder as the words appear, as the world comes to a screeching halt.

  Use me.

  Well, I’ve wanted physical proof that I’ve gotten to him, and now I have it. He stops talking mid-sentence and spins around so fast that he knocks his plate into the floor. But I don’t think he even notices. His eyes fix on mine, and in that moment, all of my nerves simply fall away. Yes, this is what I want.

  “Damn, Wes,” Shane chuckles. “If I hadn’t seen you drinking water most of the night, I’d think you were drunk. Quit acting like a caveman and pick up your plate.”

  I burst out laughing, finding it incredibly fitting that he’s finally fallen into the caveman category that he’s always telling me I’m attracted to. Maybe I do like cavemen a little.

  He cleans up his mess and leaves the table without a word. I have no idea what’s going on, and after exchanging glances with Shane and Makenna, I know they don’t either. It isn’t until I spot him across the room, talking to his mom, that I realize what’s going on. He was supposed to tell her when he’s leaving. We are leaving. Together.

  Wes finally returns, but this time, he tells Shane he needs to talk to him and they walk over to the corner of the room.

  I look at Makenna, and she just shrugs. “They’re adorably weird. What can I say?”

  When Shane sits back down, I swear he knows something. There’s a little something extra in his smile. Like the cat that ate the canary. But before I can really think about it, Wes holds a hand out to me. “May I have this dance?” Without giving me a chance to answer, he’s dragging me across the room.

  “Care to explain what this is all about?” I ask as soon as we stop in the center of the dance floor.

  He pulls me just as close as he did before, and if I wasn’t so out of my mind at the moment, I’d worry about what Makenna was seeing. But right now, I don’t care, so I wrap my arms around him, too. We dance slowly, fluidly. His hands aren’t linked around my back this time; they’re low on my hips, occasionally sliding up my ribs or around dangerously low on my back.

  “My mom said that every lady should dance at least once at a party. I’m not stupid enough to argue with her and say that I’ve already danced with you tonight. So before we leave, she wanted to see us on the dance floor. It’s just another opportunity to feel you against me, so I’m not complaining.” He nods to her when she waves from the corner of the room.

  “She’s a smart lady. I really like her.” I rest my head against the silky lapel of his tuxedo jacket. “Why did you tell Shane?”

  “There’s not a lot I don’t tell him, but I had to give him a reasonable explanation why they aren’t riding home with us.”

  I should be irritated, but I guess it makes sense. Makenna is going to find out soon enough on her own, and she probably won’t believe it at first since we’ve tricked her. “What do you mean by ‘home’ exactly? You’re coming home with me?”

  He shakes his head. “If you want to, I was thinking you could come home with me.”

  I look up at him. “Yeah . . . I want to.”

  And in front of everyone—his mom, Shane, Makenna, complete strangers—he kisses me. A feather soft kiss that lingers just slightly before it’s gone. And I feel something inside me shift. My resolve crumbles into jagged chunks. My doubts fall away.

  All I’m left with is the realization of how wrong I could be about everything. I know now that I could fall for him, if only he’d let me.

  TO SAY THAT the ride to Wes’ house is awkwardly silent would be a grave understatement. For nearly thirty minutes, the only sounds in this car have come from the constant hum of the wheels on the pavement and the tap of his fingertips on the steering wheel. No conversation. No music. Just unrelenting quiet that’s allowing me to contemplate on what’s about to happen, even though thinking is the last thing I want to do right now.

  I’m not some sacrificial virgin or anything, so I don’t know why this feels so strange to me. This should be simple. No strings. No expectations. I really like Wes, so that should make this easier, right? He’s different than the other guys I’ve dated in so many ways. He’s more mature, but still playful. He’s serious about life and his career. He knows what he wants, and he’s honest about it. And I’m more physically attracted to him than I’ve ever been to any other guy.

  So I think that may be the reason for the weirdness. It’s like driving a beat up clunker your whole life and then test-driving a Bugatti. After driving the heap of dented metal for so long, you’re hesitant to even pull out of the lot. The feel of the buttery leather against your skin is such a contrast to the rough, holey upholstery you’ve grown accustomed to. The soft purr of the engine when you nudge the accelerator makes your heart race a little bit. But even though you’re nervous, you know deep down you want nothing more than to take it out on the open road and floor it, to speed down the highway with the windows down and leave all your inhibitions and worries behind.

  Or something like that.

  I feel my phone vibrate in my purse, so I pull it out. I know who it is without looking.

  Makenna: ‘Shane just told me you and Wes left. Said you aren’t feeling well. You okay?’

  God bless Shane. At least he bought me a little time before I have to tell Makenna all about it. I’m nervous enough as it is.

  Me: ‘I’m fine. Just a little headache. Probably the champagne.’

  I didn’t even have to lie. Good.

 
Makenna: ‘Okay, I’ll check on you when I get home.’

  Shit.

  Me: ‘Won’t be there. Wes insisted I go home with him.’

  Makenna: ‘I was giving you an opportunity to tell me what’s really going on. I saw the kiss, Cal.’

  Me: ‘Again, effects of the champagne. It’s nothing.’

  Please let it go. Please let it go.

  Makenna: ‘Well, if it’s nothing, you won’t mind if Shane and I come over to check on you. Maybe we’ll even stay the night.’

  Me: ‘Sure. Just have Shane call Wes if you’re coming, so he can work out the sleeping arrangements.’

  I know she’s trying to call my bluff, but I also know that Shane wouldn’t dare set foot at Wes’ house tonight. He knows exactly what’s going on, and I have a feeling Wes would pummel him if they showed up.

  Makenna: ‘Okay, then. I’ll probably see you in an hour or so.’

  Yeah, probably not.

  “Makenna says they’re coming over here in an hour to check on me,” I blurt out nervously when Wes pulls into the long driveway. “And they might even spend the night.”

  He stays quiet until he comes to a complete stop. “The hell they are.” He plucks his phone from the console and punches a quick message, hitting send before he hands it to me. “Problem solved.”

  He sent a message to Makenna.

  Wes: ‘Mak, you can stop fishing for the truth. Tell Shane that I give him permission to fill you in. I love you, kid, but don’t you dare show up here tonight.’

  “Wes! Why would you tell her that?!”

  He shrugs. “Stay put.” He gets out and comes around to open my door. “She’s going to find out everything anyway, so why hide it. Are you ashamed or something?”

  “No.”

  “Good. I’m not either, so we don’t have to keep it a secret.”