by Tasha Ivey
His mindset on relationships is so freaking infuriating. “Well, then, maybe I’m not the right person for you. I think that, when the right person comes along, you’ll feel the connection between you. One that can’t be severed by anything life has to throw at you. You’ll know deep down that she’s worth the risk, and it will kill you inside until you take it. I won’t lie and tell you it won’t hurt me, but I’m your friend, and I’ll stand by your side until that person finds you. Even if it’s only as a friend, I’m going to be here for you. Always.”
“Cal, I . . .” My ringing cell phone halts his thought and he looks down at my pocket. I think we both know what this call is about.
It’s Eve.
My eyes fall to Wes’ bunched fists when I answer the phone. While I listen to Eve’s news, his whole body is frozen, every muscle is tense. I know he’s waiting to hear that she’s chickened out, that she couldn’t face him, but that’s not at all what I’m going to tell him.
“Thanks, Eve. I’ll tell him, and I’ll let you know what we’re going to do.” I shove my phone back into my pocket, and I look up at his weary eyes. I can see it. He’s preparing to build his walls a little higher, reinforcing them with the years of resentment and abandonment. But, no, I won’t let him this time. I just hope we won’t be too late.
“Tell me what?”
“Get in,” I say, jerking a thumb toward my car. “We’re going to the hospital.”
THE RIDE TO this hospital is silent for many reasons. Wes is apprehensive, he’s nervous, and obviously, he’s pissed at me for making him get into the car before I’d tell him why we’re going to the hospital. Well, that and the fact that I didn’t give him the choice to decide if he wants to go visit his mother there.
I can tell that he’s torn up inside. I know a part of him must want—need—to make this connection, to get some answers and maybe find a little peace. Forgiveness. But I’m sure there’s also still a lot of hesitation and fear of getting hurt. I can’t imagine what is going on in that head of his, and that’s one place I’m certain I don’t want to be right now.
“You okay?”
His head whips in my direction. “Shut up, Callie. Not now.”
Yep. Pissed. “Fine. Just tell me one thing.” I turn into the hospital’s parking lot and scan the rows for an empty space. “Do you want me to go in with you?”
“You can go in,” he says. “I’m sure as hell not. She’s your friend.”
I want to come back and tell him that it’s his mother, but I have a feeling that won’t work out so well for me. “Tell you what . . . I’ll go in first and find out exactly what’s going on. Then, you can decide. You owe it to yourself to see this through, Wes, and I’ll be right beside you if you want me to be.”
“Fine. I’ll let you know.”
He reluctantly follows me inside, trailing behind so slowly that I keep having to turn and make sure he’s still there. After finding a nurse and asking directions, I finally spot her room, but Wes stops me before I can make it to the door.
“I, uh, I’ll wait out here.” His demeanor has taken a sharp turn. He’s nervous. Vulnerable.
I stretch up on my tip-toes and plant a soft, lingering kiss on his stubbly cheek, catching the minty scent of the gum he’s been gnawing on feverishly since I told him we were coming here. “Don’t run, Wes. I’ll chase you.”
“I may run, just so you will.” He laughs nervously. Something in this phrase gives me a tiny shred of hope.
I pull back and grasp his chin in my fingers. “I’ve been chasing you for weeks. You just need to stop running, so I can catch you.”
He nods, suddenly serious. “I’m trying.”
“I’ll be right back.”
I nudge the wide door open just until there’s enough room for me to squeeze inside. The slow, steady beep from the monitor is only half of what my current heart rate is. I have no idea what to expect when I turn the corner into the small room.
“You came,” Eve says quietly, pushing to her feet from the recliner in the corner. She looks past me. “Wesley didn’t come with you?”
“He’s in the hallway, being his usual resistant self. Do you know anything yet?”
She crosses the room and motions for me to come closer, so I take the few steps necessary to join her at the foot of the bed. “I got here just before Hazel, her cousin, left to go get some dinner. Apparently, Chesley started feeling really disoriented last night and called an ambulance. She was unconscious when they got there, and she hasn’t woken up since then, but they’ve been giving her sedatives to let her rest.”
“Do the doctors know why?”
“They think it’s because she hasn’t been eating well enough lately. Some new medication she’s on isn’t allowing her to keep much down. Her body is just extremely exhausted and malnourished.”
Oh, thank God. I was expecting her to tell me that there’s no hope for her, that they don’t expect her to ever wake up. “That’s awful, but much better news than I expected to hear.”
“Me, too.” Eve’s gaze travels from Chesley’s feet all the way up to her face. “After all these years, I never saw this coming. I have never admitted it to anyone, but I’ve had this day planned since the day I knew Robert was the one for me. I knew that someday Wesley’s mother would want to know him. Even then, he had a kind soul. Who wouldn’t want to know him? So I plotted out exactly how all of this would go. She would show up, demanding to see him, and I would refuse, saying that he’s my son now. She gave him up, and I gladly filled that hole she left. I imagined myself telling her how unfit she was and how she wasn’t worthy of even looking into his perfect blue eyes. But all these years, I waited for that day, and it never came. I’m not ashamed to admit that I was glad for a long time because I didn’t want her to come along and take my son away from me. Even when Shane came along, my true firstborn, Wesley was still my first son. Always will be.”
I watch her circle around to stand by Chesley’s side, and I follow her, resting my hand on her shoulder. “I know he feels the same way. Nothing will change that.”
“I know.” She covers my hand with her own. “I’m not worried about any of that anymore. Now I just wonder if we made the right decision when we first told him about her. Just in case she ever did come back into his life, we’ve always been honest with him about it, and I sometimes think we shouldn’t have. What I thought would protect him from hurt in the long run has given him years of doubt and confusion. He’s wondered why she left him all this time, and when Sarah left, that was the nail in the coffin for him. She hurt him more than I thought possible, and he lost all trust in women at that point. Had he not known about his mother, maybe he’d be in a better frame of mind now.”
“But now, finding out about it as an adult, he probably would’ve felt betrayed by you. You did the right thing, and I’m sure he’d agree with me on that.”
“I do.” Wes’ voice is barely audible.
I jerk my head around to find him in the same state of limbo that I was in when I walked in. He stands just around the corner, not quite far enough inside to even see the bed. His hands are shoved deep into his pockets, and his head hangs low, as if he can’t bear to lift it.
“It’s weird, you know . . . hearing what people say about you when they don’t know you’re listening.” He still doesn’t look up. He just keeps his eyes trained on his shuffling feet. “I didn’t know you worried about any of that, Mom. You shouldn’t.”
Eve skirts around the bed and meets him at the door, her tiny frame looks even smaller compared to him, especially when his arms envelop her into a tender embrace. “Wesley,” she says into his chest, “No matter how old you are, I’ll always worry about you. I’m sorry if I’ve handled anything poorly. I’ve only tried to do what was fair for you.”
“You haven’t done anything wrong at all.” Wes finally looks up, his eyes immediately find mine. “It’s me who’s needs to wake up, stop being so damn scared of life, and just live it like
I want to. I’m sorry for taking so long to realize that. I can’t make any promises, but I’m going to work on that.”
“That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” She tugs him down until he’s low enough for her to kiss his cheek. “I’m proud of you for taking this first step toward that. And I’m thankful that Callie facilitated all of it. I didn’t want you to think that I was pushing you into this so I could get rid of you or something.”
A nervous chuckle huffs from his throat. “You can’t get rid of me that easily, you know. I like your cooking too much.”
Eve pinches his belly. “I never doubted that.” She looks over her shoulder at me, jerking her head toward Wes. “Come here, darlin’.”
“Uh, okay,” I agree, taking a few steps until I’m an arm’s length away. Wes watches every step I make, clearly curious about what his mom is up to.
She takes my hand and pushes it into his. “I’m going to step out for a bit because my heart just can’t take anymore right now.” Patting his cheek, she looks up at Wes one last time. “Just take your time. Do whatever feels right.”
He nods solemnly when she slips beside him to go out the door.
“I’ll go out there with her, so you can have this time alone, okay?” I squeeze his warm hand.
“No,” his voice cracks as his hand tightens around mine, almost painfully. “Stay.”
“Okay, then, I’ll be here until you tell me to go.”
Wes flicks his eyes over at me, irritation framing his face. “I’ll be gone long before I’d ever have to tell you to go. Let’s just get this shit over with.”
When he doesn’t move, I decide to take the first step, and he surprises me by following without any further encouragement. I watch his gaze scan the room as we step further into it, and I’m immediately moved by his reaction. I never would’ve expected this, especially after his last statement. His expression changes shape from stony to withered as soon as he sees her fragile body lying in the bed. Even though he stays rooted in place, something inside him immediately shifts. Years of bitterness and loathing melt away, giving way to an open mind and possibilities of forgiveness. I don’t think he truly believed when I told him that her parents were at fault for her desertion, but right now, this very moment, I think he actually wants to. I can’t express how honored I feel to be the one to witness this change in him. The change in his heart.
It’s this very moment that I know he’s going to be okay. And the moment I know that I’m completely in love with him. Even through his hardheadedness and multitude of personalities, I can now clearly see the man that I’ve known was in there all along. He’s strong and dominant, but at the same time, so yielding and kind.
“You didn’t tell me that I look like her.” His soft voice isn’t accusatory; he’s in awe. “It’s weird to look at her and realize that this is her. This person is the one that I’ve always wondered about. I don’t know how to even begin processing all of this.”
I lean over and rest my head against his shoulder. “It’ll take some time, I’m sure. But like your mom said, just do whatever feels right. There isn’t a right or wrong reaction.”
“I think I want to stay a while and let it all absorb.”
I think he wants to stay a while and see if she wakes up, but I’m not going to push him to admit it. “Okay, do you want me to—”
“Stay, Cal,” he interrupts. Stalking into the darkest corner of the room, he eases into the chair, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. Watching her. I take the recliner right beside her bed to do the same.
The room is quiet, except for the steady rhythm of the heart monitor and the shuffle of feet in the hallway. As I watch the steady rise and fall of her chest, I wonder how we’ll all go on from here. I wonder what the future holds. I already know that Chesley doesn’t have much time, but I’m not giving up hope that she and Wes can get to know each other a little before she’s gone. And I wonder how establishing this relationship might change him, if at all. I know that what his ex-wife did has scarred him for life, and I know there’s nothing I can do to heal that part of him. I just hope that finding this connection with the woman who gave birth to him will open up parts of his heart that he didn’t know existed. Forgiveness has a way of healing your heart, even when it's shattered into a million pieces.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Not at all a pleasant way to wake up.
At first I start to reach for my alarm clock, but I remember I’m still at the hospital. I sit up in my seat and look over at Chesley. Her eyes are wide, her breathing is erratic, and I’m immediately concerned that she’s having some sort of attack. But when I realize what she’s staring at, it all makes sense. She sees Wes.
I have to mentally prepare myself before I can look over at him, but I’m relieved when I see him leaned against the wall, sleeping soundly.
“That’s him?” she asks, her voice is hoarse and nearly unintelligible. “That’s Wesley?”
I jump up from my seat, a little lightheaded from the sudden rush. “It is.” I cover her hand with mine. “Once we found out where you were, we came straight here. He wanted to stay until you woke up.”
“Oh.” That’s all she can seem to come up with to say. Her eyes are brimmed with tears, and her shaking hand covers her trembling mouth. I watch the first tear as it spills over the thin line of lashes and several more quickly follow. As each one of them saw the other, I’ve been able to witness the most honest and raw of reactions and probably the most beautiful thing I’ve ever been a part of in my life. I’m proud of myself for making this happen. It’s good to be a part of something that’s so much bigger than me.
“He’s even more handsome than that picture you sent me.”
I throw a glance over my shoulder at him. “He’s always an angel when he’s sleeping,” I joke. “But, yeah, he’s pretty special.”
Chesley turns her hand over underneath mine and closes around it weakly. “I know it couldn’t have been easy, but thank you for helping me.” Her tired eyes are only half open, but she looks at me with such ferocity. This is a life-long dream come true for her.
“You’re welcome. It was a fight.” I watch my thumb gently skim along the top of her bony hand. “But there’s nothing I won’t do to help him. I love him.”
I flinch when I say the words. Did I really just say that out loud? Heat creeps up into my cheeks, and I begin to stammer, looking back up to her as I try to explain what I just said. But she’s no longer interested in what I said, or even the fact that I’m in this room. Her breath is frozen in her chest, and she doesn’t dare blink as she stares across the room at Wes, who has damn impeccable timing when it comes to waking up. Perfect.
Thankfully, he doesn’t acknowledge what I said, so I’m just going to tell myself that he didn’t hear it. I’m also going to tell myself that he’s a lot dumber than he looks. That’s the only way I’m going to survive the next few minutes without melting right into the floor.
When neither of them makes any effort to speak, I realize I’m going to have to bridge the gap, so I cross the room and hold out my hand to Wes until he takes it. Dragging him along behind me, I approach the side of the bed again.
“Chesley, I want you to meet Wes.”
A feeble smile brightens her face, and she slightly raises her hand to shake his, as if she’s simply meeting a new neighbor. This just proves to me that she knows she’s treading on thin ice with him, and she doesn’t want to push him into anything more than what he’s comfortable with.
He looks down at her hand, seemingly torn between taking it or just leaving her hanging there. But when he takes that single step in front of me and sits at the edge of the bed, leaning over her, I nearly fall out in the floor. He’s hugging her. Like really hugging her.
Before I can fully comprehend it, tears are rolling down my face so fast, I can’t keep them wiped away. Chesley is openly sobbing at this point, and I don’t think Wes is too composed either. I n
ever would’ve expected this kind of a response. Not from him. He’s always acted so aloof, so cool. Like he could care less if he ever even heard her name.
This, though . . . this tells me that there’s so much more inside of him that anyone has ever known. Perhaps like Eve, this is a day that he’s planned his entire life. Maybe, it’s even something he’s secretly wanted. Needed.
“I’m . . . so sor-ry,” Chesley croaks between broken sobs, still clinging to him. “I n-never would’ve left y-you if I had a ch-choice. Never.”
Wes’ voice is shaky and barely audible. “I know that now . . . Callie explained everything.”
“I ne-never thought I’d live to . . . hold you in my arms a-again. Or get to look at those eyes.” She places a hand on each cheek and pushes him back just enough to be able to look at his face. “I always knew they were going to be blue . . . like your dad’s.” Her heavy lids fight so hard to stay open, but they only flutter and close over and over.
“I’ll come back again in a while, so we can talk more,” Wes promises, taking her hands and resting them over her stomach. Surprisingly, he doesn’t take his away; he just rubs the backs of his fingers over her knuckles. “Just rest.”
She gives only half a nod before sleep overcomes her and her breath becomes deep and slow. Wes watches her for a few minutes longer and finally stands, careful not to move the bed too much. His head whips around to me, as if he’s just remembering I’m here, and the first thing I notice is the solitary trail of moisture down his left cheek. Seeing him that vulnerable, split that wide open, it’s a reminder of why I’m here. This is what I wanted to help him find. And now that I’ve done that, if he doesn’t want to take a chance on me, I think I can walk away, knowing that there’s hope for him. But, damn it, that’s the last thing I want to do.