“No, I don’t.”
“Candy? Peanuts? Anything you would have a lot of.”
“I have a jar of pennies.”
“Excellent. I’ll shuffle while you get it.”
Ash went upstairs, wondering how she should play this. She wanted desperately to kiss Jordan, and the conflict was wreaking havoc with her. She never hesitated when she wanted someone, but Jordan was different. Jordan wasn’t someone she wanted to have for a night or two. The thought made her stop abruptly right outside her bedroom door. A night or two was all she ever wanted from a woman.
“But then again, it’s always been about Jordan,” she murmured. Trixie meowed at her from the doorway and head-butted her in the shin. She reached down and absently scratched under her chin. Jordan was the one she’d always wanted. It didn’t seem to make a difference to her body that she was the one who ended things between them, because her body had never forgotten the way Jordan touched her. The way she felt on top of her. The way Jordan could turn her on with nothing more than a few words.
She sat on the foot of the bed and tried to sort through her thoughts. Was it possible she was still in love with Jordan after all the years that had gone by? Before she left LA she would have said yes, but since moving to Vegas Ash had made it her mission to forget about Jordan and the train wreck her life had become after Jordan had left. She’d been doing just fine right up until their eyes met on the casino floor two nights ago. Now it was all she could do to not think about her nearly every waking moment.
She took a deep breath before grabbing the jar of pennies and heading back downstairs. She had to figure out a way to let Jordan know how she felt about her. Maybe it wouldn’t be tonight, but it would have to be before she left Vegas, and Ash, behind again.
*
“That was fun,” Ash said two hours later after they’d moved from the dining room table to the couch in the living room. “I’m sorry I took so long to absorb everything you taught me.”
“A couple hours isn’t bad, trust me,” Jordan said quietly. She was uncharacteristically nervous, and she didn’t like the way it felt. Then again, Ashley had always made her nervous from the first time they’d met. All night, or at least since Ash had returned to the dining room with her jar of pennies, she’d had the feeling Ash wanted to kiss her. She supposed it was probably just a case of her projecting her desires, but more than once she’d caught Ash staring at her with a strange little grin. “I used to play with a group of guys from the FBI, and they spent weeks taking my money before I finally caught on to how to really play the game.”
Ash laughed, and Jordan felt her stomach do a flip-flop. The flame of desire she’d first felt when they sat down to dinner was threatening to overwhelm her senses. She resolved to steel herself to rebuff a good night kiss should Ash attempt one, but it was easier said than done. Her body was reacting to Ash in ways she hadn’t expected since she’d agreed to have dinner with her. She was so wet it was uncomfortable trying to sit without adjusting her hips every few minutes. She began to look forward to getting back to her hotel room and taking care of it. The sooner the better.
“Would you like another beer?” Ash asked as she grabbed their empty bottles from the coffee table.
“I should probably call a cab and get back to the hotel.” Jordan wasn’t convinced she wanted to leave, so how could she expect Ash to believe it when the tone of her voice was so unpersuasive.
“Don’t be silly. I can drive you back to town. A cab will cost a fortune.”
“We’ve been drinking.”
“You don’t trust me? I’m not drunk.”
“I don’t trust anyone when they’ve been drinking, so don’t take it personally.” Jordan could see by Ash’s expression that she did take it personally. “I don’t even trust myself to drive when I’ve been drinking.”
“Then you’ll stay here tonight.” Ash’s tone indicated she wouldn’t let Jordan argue with her. Jordan couldn’t help the smile she felt tugging at her lips. Ash tilted her head to one side. “What’s so funny?”
“You haven’t changed a bit,” Jordan said. “You get an idea in your head and you’re convinced things will go the way you want them to, and to hell with anyone else’s opinion on the matter.”
“That is how we ended up in bed together the first time, isn’t it? I didn’t hear you complaining about it then.”
“I didn’t. And I’m not complaining now. I just think it’s funny how you haven’t changed in all this time.”
“But I have,” Ash said, sitting on the other end of the couch and handing Jordan a beer before she twisted the cap off her own bottle. “I wasn’t a lesbian then.”
“Yes, you were,” Jordan said with a nod. “You just weren’t ready to admit it to yourself.”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For hurting you. For not being strong enough to walk away from the safe little life I’d built for myself. You told me you loved me, and I’m sorry the most for not being able to tell you I loved you too.”
They sat in silence then, and Jordan didn’t know what to say. Ash had loved her? It was like a blow to the gut. How different would her life have been if Ash had only said those words to her back then? She stared at the bottle in her hands as she marveled at the fact she wasn’t angry. Hurt, yes, but not angry.
“Say something, Jordan. You at a loss for words scares the hell out of me.”
“I honestly don’t know what to say.”
“Yell at me, tell me how I screwed everything up. Say anything.”
“You didn’t screw anything up, Ashley. You did what you had to do for you at the time. It was the only thing you could have done. Coming out—admitting you’re a lesbian—isn’t something I, or anyone else for that matter, could force you to do. It’s a solitary thing, and something you had to realize in your own time. You obviously did that, so I’d say everything happened just like it was supposed to.”
“Damn you for being so understanding.”
Jordan laughed at the incredulous look on Ash’s face. She couldn’t help it. She also couldn’t help the growing need to pull Ash close and tell her everything would be all right. But it wouldn’t. It couldn’t . Not with a disease like multiple sclerosis lurking in the shadows. She would never ask, or expect, Ash to take on the role of caregiver. She’d never wanted to put anyone in that position, and she wouldn’t do it now.
“I still do.”
“What?” Jordan was pulled out of her thoughts by Ash’s words, but she didn’t know what Ash was talking about.
“I still love you.” Ash’s voice never wavered, and her eyes held Jordan’s as she spoke. “I don’t think I ever stopped loving you. I may have gone for a few days at a time without thinking about you, but you were always in my heart. Is there any chance for us?”
Jordan stared at her, so many thoughts running through her mind. The foremost thought was a resounding no! But she couldn’t make herself say the word. Instead she took a deep breath and looked at her hands as she spoke.
“Things are complicated, Ash.”
“Complicated? Things were complicated when I was married and we had an affair. How can things be complicated now? We’re both single, right? Or do you have a wife waiting for you back home?”
“What? No, God, it’s nothing like that.” Jordan raked a hand through her hair and stared at the ceiling. “There’s no one.”
“Are you dying?”
“We’re all dying, from the moment we’re born,” Jordan said without thinking how callous the words might sound. And how she was trying to avoid answering the direct question. MS wasn’t a death sentence; she knew that. But it did steal your life, and your spirit, a little at a time, and there was no cure. She met Ash’s concerned gaze and forced a smile. “No, I’m not dying.”
“Then what could be so complicated?”
Jordan’s determination to not tell anyone about her health problems was slowly dwindling. She needed to put some space between them s
o she could work on reinforcing the walls Ash was trying so hard to knock down.
“It’s your health, isn’t it? The reason you left the bureau?”
“I left the bureau because I needed to. I was getting burned out. I dealt with death on what seemed like a daily basis, and it was taking its toll on me. I had some money invested, and I just decided it was time to try something new.”
“So you chose poker?” Ash smiled as she said the words, and Jordan was relieved to sense she was going to let the matter drop, at least for now. One thing she knew about Ash though—she’d bring it up again.
“I did. Why not? I get to travel, and I get to play a game I’m good at. No kidnapped, mutilated, or dead people to deal with. It’s a no-brainer, isn’t it?”
“If you say so.” Ash shrugged. “I’ll wait to see if you win before I can agree it’s a game you’re good at though.”
Jordan chuckled as she reached into her pocket for her cell phone. She didn’t think it would be a good idea to stay the night with Ash, especially now that she knew Ash had feelings for her. It would make it that much more difficult to keep a safe distance from her.
“What are you doing?”
“Calling a cab. I should go back to the hotel.”
“Please stay. You can sleep on the couch if you’re worried you can’t control yourself.”
Jordan whipped her head up and knew she probably looked like she’d been caught doing something she shouldn’t be. Ash laughed at her as she stood.
“I’m worried about you controlling yourself, not me,” Jordan said, impressing herself with her quick recovery.
“Right,” Ash said, making it sound like the word had three syllables. She headed toward the stairs but glanced over her shoulder before she disappeared. “I’ll get you a blanket and a pillow. Don’t go anywhere.”
“I don’t think I could even if I wanted to,” Jordan murmured under her breath. She shoved the phone back into her pocket and closed her eyes. She was in so much trouble.
Chapter Twelve
“How did you finally admit to yourself you were a lesbian?” Jordan asked when they sat back down at the dining room table to play a few more hands before turning in for the night. They hadn’t put the pennies away earlier, and Ash noted her pile of pennies was substantially smaller than Jordan’s.
Ash hadn’t expected this particular question from her, but she admitted to herself she’d probably be curious too if she weren’t the one being asked. She rested her elbows on the table and rotated the beer bottle she held in her hands.
“Truthfully, I’m pretty sure I knew I was a lesbian before I ever met you. I just didn’t know it was a real option for me.”
“You grew up in Los Angeles,” Jordan said, a skeptical look on her face. “How could you not know it was an option?”
“I led a pretty sheltered life, Jordan. I was an only child, and my parents seemed to do everything they could to shield me from the evils of the world.” Ash hated thinking about her parents. They’d been so close up until the day she’d come out to them. Or rather, the day Kevin outed her to them. “I went to bible camp every summer, and most of my free time during the school year was taken up by church activities. You know, the church never missed an opportunity to tell all the kids how homosexuality was a sin, and we’d burn in hell for eternity if we even associated with those kinds of people. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I think all the kids who had to spend so much time with church activities leaned that way.”
“So it was like one of those ex-gay camp type of things?”
“No, not really. Just a lot of preaching and trying to keep us on God’s path. As long as none of us acted like we were attracted to someone of the same sex, there wasn’t a problem.”
“I’m afraid to ask, but what happened if you did?”
“I don’t know. I always kept to myself and hardly even looked at anyone, let alone another girl. There was this one kid though, a boy, who wasn’t ashamed of what he was. He always watched the other boys. They took him away for a few hours one day. We all wondered what they were doing to him, but when he came back he refused to talk about it.”
“Sounds scary to me,” Jordan said.
“It was. But life went on, and he was still gay. In junior high school I met Kevin and we started dating. My mother did everything she could to try to convince me he was the one for me. I’d never doubted her before, so why should I then?” Ash wished she could travel back in time and tell her younger self she didn’t have to do everything her mother wanted her to. God, life would have been far less difficult if she’d been strong enough to stand up and refuse to be pushed into anything. “We dated all through high school, and when we graduated, we got married. It seemed the logical thing to do at the time.”
“And then I had to show up and screw with everything you thought you knew about yourself.” Jordan gave her a sad smile as she shook her head and looked intent on studying the label on the bottle she held.
“Meeting you definitely threw me for a loop, I’ll admit it.” Ash chuckled as she remembered the first time she’d laid eyes on Jordan Stryker. There was an instant attraction on both their parts. She could tell by the way Jordan watched everything she did. What she wouldn’t give to have Jordan look at her like that now. “But you didn’t do anything to change me or the way I thought. I wanted to be with you. Maybe even more than I’d ever wanted anything before.”
“But you insisted to me you weren’t a lesbian,” Jordan pointed out.
“Yes, I did.” Ash nodded. “I lied. To you and to myself. You did change the way I thought going forward. I still tried to make things work with Kevin, but it was never the same after you. I finally admitted to him I was a lesbian, and he was pissed. He didn’t understand how I could have lied to him for so long.”
“It didn’t matter to him that you were lying to yourself too? That you were trying to be straight?”
“No. Nothing mattered to him except his own reputation. He had friends on the force. Good friends. Guys who he told I was gay, and they made it their mission to make my life a living hell.” Ash shook her head at the memories of the verbal abuse she’d been subjected to during the final month of her employment in the LAPD. “He took it upon himself to tell my parents too. Suffice it to say that did not go well.”
“I remember you telling me you were really close with your parents. You said you could talk to them about anything.”
Jordan sat back in her chair and met Ash’s gaze. Ash had to look away when the intensity became too much. She was breathing a little heavy, and she thought she noticed the pulse in Jordan’s neck quicken. She wondered if Jordan had thought about what she’d said earlier and was maybe rethinking her stance on rekindling what they once had.
“I could, until then. Kevin painted me as the bad guy in it all. He claimed I’d been cheating on him, with women, from the very beginning. I mean since junior high beginning.” Ash fought to keep her hatred toward her ex-husband in check. They probably could have split amicably had he not gone over the edge and ruined her career as well as running straight to her parents with the news their only child was a dyke.
“Were you?”
Ash knew she should probably be angry at Jordan for even asking, but she couldn’t find the energy. Kevin had been the recipient of her animosity for so long now, there was little left over for anyone else. She smiled and covered Jordan’s hand with her own.
“You really were the first woman I’d ever been with. And Kevin was the only man. There were two other women before I finally told him I was gay. I’m not proud of how many women I’ve been with since I moved to Vegas, but in LA, I was faithful until I met you.”
Jordan couldn’t look at her. She didn’t pull her hand away, because it felt surprisingly nice to have this physical connection to Ash. She turned her hand palm up and laced their fingers together. Ash squeezed gently, and Jordan finally looked at her.
“I’m so sorry I fucked up your life,” Jordan sai
d.
“You didn’t, Jordan. You helped me to see who I really was. But Kevin, that bastard took everything from me.”
“How do you mean?”
“I resigned because the bullying got so bad. Every single day there would be snide remarks about the dyke. The carpet muncher. Every disgusting slur there is about lesbians, they used it against me. A couple of times it got physical too, but I handled it.”
“Did you report the assholes?” What Jordan wouldn’t have given to have been able to defend Ash when she needed it.
“I did.” Ash nodded as she took a deep breath. “But the captain was one of Kevin’s drinking buddies too. Everything got glossed over. I was told there were written reprimands in their files, but I highly doubt it. But honestly, that wasn’t the worst of it.
“I haven’t spoken to either of my parents in over six years. They had one five-minute conversation with me after Kevin outed me to them, and it was only to find out if what he told them was true.” Ash took a long pull from her beer. “What I said didn’t matter though, because they believed him. Of course they did. He was the son they never had. It wouldn’t surprise me if he still goes to their house on holidays. Probably with a new wife or girlfriend.
“After I quit the police department, I moved here hoping to get a fresh start. I called my parents once to give them my address and phone number. To this day, I’ve never heard a word from them. That first year I sent birthday, anniversary, and holiday cards. Every single one of them were sent back marked refused. I finally got the hint and stopped sending them. I figure if they want to find me, they know where I am.”
Jordan was taken aback by Ash’s words. How was it possible that someone who had an almost perfect relationship with their parents could be completely shut out of their lives just because they were gay? Her own parents had been uncompromising in their belief that she was sick when she’d come out to them, but they never cut off all communication with her. As much as she’d hated her father, she knew he’d tried to do the best he could. Granted, his best wasn’t as good as some people’s worst, but at least he’d never severed all ties with her.
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