Igniting the Wild Sparks

by Alexander, Ren

Shrugging, I uncomfortably glance down at the table and she says, “I remember you once mentioning getting married in a hot-air balloon. That’s different.”

  Shifting, I attempt to pull my hand out of Finn’s, but he won’t let go. Narrowing my eyes at Morgan, I nervously play with my straw. “Yeah, but not very practical. It’s kind of dumb.”

  She grins. “I think it’s cool.”

  From the corner of my eye, I see Finn taking a long drink. I know he’s hating this conversation. I dismissively say to Morgan, “It was just an idea a while ago.”

  Putting her elbows on the table and clasping her hands, she switches her attention to Sparks. “What do you think, Finn? Don’t you ever want to get married?”

  Holy shit, Morgan! What the hell are you doing?

  I apprehensively peer up at him and see his muscles tensing in his jaw. Setting his glass down, he mutters, “I don’t know. I never gave it much thought.”

  I feel like he just slammed me in the ribs with a baseball bat.

  Morgan argues, “Oh, come on, coach. I’m sure it’s crossed your mind once or twice since dating Hadley.”

  Holding onto me tightly with one hand, he clutches his glass with the other, restlessly swirling the ice around, as defiance darkly seeps through his voice and hard glare. “Why? We’re happy with the way things are.” Shit.

  Swallowing hard, I lean forward and silently plead Morgan to shut the fuck up; however, she ignores me and says, “You might be, Finn. Answer my question. Haven’t you thought about marrying my best friend?” She nods toward me, but doesn’t let up on her accusing stare pinning Sparks.

  Returning Morgan’s provoking stare, Finn lifts his glass again and retorts, “No. I refuse to marry Rod.”

  Morgan scowls, sneering, “Very damn funny, Wilder. Why won’t you give me a straight answer?”

  “Babe, leave him alone,” Ivan attempts to intervene, and I give him a grateful smile.

  Morgan perseveres, “Apparently, that’s not the only person you refuse to marry.”

  “Morg, stop,” I urgently beg, feeling the muscles in Finn’s leg tightening beneath our hands. He’s pissed off and she’s ruining our night. I’m already positive I’ll hear a lecture from Finn later regarding what I disclose to my best friend about us.

  She abruptly takes on an innocent approach. “Stop what?” She looks at me and then back to Finn. “I’m just wondering why you don’t want to marry her. Isn’t she the woman of your dreams?”

  Sparks’ is gnashing his teeth from the way his jaw muscles jump. He anxiously licks his lips and rigidly replies, “Yes.” I can’t believe he actually answered that. In one, quick swig, he finishes his Scotch and then scans the room, probably searching for another.

  Morgan nearly squeals, “Then marry her! Jesus! What’s taking you so long?”

  Fucking hell, Morgan Yates!

  Ivan hisses, “Morgan, shit! Shut up!”

  Disrupted by our food being delivered, Finn promptly orders a Jack Daniels. Damn it. He’s definitely on his way to trashed and Morgan just called for his taxi there.

  Desperate to calm Sparks down, I dig my fingers into his leg and massage his muscles, trying to get him to relax. However, he shifts away from me to pull his phone out of his pocket, checking the screen before sending a reply. In the meantime, I glare at Morgan and she shakes her head at me, feigning confusion.

  Finn sets his phone down and I ask, “Work?”

  “No. Ricky.”

  “Oh.” Of course it is.

  His phone vibrates again and he picks it up to answer with another text.

  Morgan scoffs, “Is this how you’re going to avoid answering me?” My mouth drops and I chomp down on my teeth, giving her a look that could wilt silk flowers.

  Finn doesn’t look up from his texting endeavor, sounding bored even. “I thought I did answer you.”

  “Not the question I asked earlier. Don’t you want to marry your soulmate?”

  My stomach harshly tightens and my palms begin to sweat. I can’t take this. I know what his answer is and I don’t want to hear it before I have a chance to ask him to marry me. That will keep me from ever doing it.

  Impulsively pushing my chair out, I curtly stand. “I’ll be back.”

  Finn swiftly looks up from his phone. “You okay?”

  “No.” I hurriedly leave the table. Lucky for me, the restroom isn’t far from our table Upon entering the stall, I hover above the toilet, expecting to throw up, yet nothing happens. I have to seriously get ahold of myself. I’ll have an ulcer before Morgan’s wedding.

  I hear the door open and I cringe, knowing who it is. “Hadley, are you alright?”

  “No,” I respond from my newfound safe space. “How could you do that?”

  Morgan sighs. “I don’t know. I could say it’s my hormones, I guess, but that’s not the main reason.”

  Crossing my arms, I stare at the red door and speak through it. “You put us both on the spot. That was so embarrassing, and I know Finn was pissed.”

  Her heels click on the tile as she paces in front of my stall. “I thought that might actually push him to admit he does want to marry you.”

  I frown at my hazy reflection in the shiny metal. “He didn’t. Are you satisfied now? Will you please leave him alone?”

  “Why should I? That bastard is stringing you along!” Morgan stomps her foot and the sound echoes off the metal and tile. “Come on, Hadley! You deserve better than that!”

  Past annoyed, I shout, “Will you just let me have my chance, Morgan? Fuck! Just give me that much before I decide what to do!”

  “I’m sorry!” She walks to my stall door and after a pause, she quietly says, “I just wanted to help.”

  “You didn’t, though. Just leave him alone. He has said he doesn’t want to get married enough times. I don’t even know why I’m going to ask him. He couldn’t even give you a yes, so how’s he going to give me one?”

  “After you left, he answered it.”

  I shift my gaze to the white and brown-speckled floor. “I don’t care. I don’t want to hear it.”

  “He didn’t say no.”

  “What did he say then? Never?” I emulate his deep voice, “I’ll never marry Hadley Beckett.”

  I want to die. Can’t I get over this already?

  Morgan says, “He said someday.”

  What?

  Shaking my head in disbelief, I ask, “He did?”

  “Yeah. He did. See. There’s still hope.”

  I unlock the stall door and hear Morgan shuffling out of the way. I walk past her to the sinks and say, “I don’t know. That’s a vague answer. Someday. I’m not getting any younger.” I pause and hold my hands up in front of me. “My hands are getting fine lines. I’m getting crow’s feet and my skin is drier than it used to be.”

  Morgan sneers, “Where? I don’t see any wrinkles on you.”

  I frown. “They’re there.”

  She rolls her eyes and disappears into a stall. “Whatever. You’re going to propose to him and change his mind. Then you two can elope, if you want. I’d be a little miffed, but happy that you finally dragged his ass to the altar.”

  “Hopefully I can get him there.”

  Do I still even want to try?

  Upon our eventual return to the table and after I take my seat again, Sparks instantly leans over and whispers, “Are you okay?” Picking up my glass, I nod and he says, “We need to be alone.” For sex? Now I’m not even in the mood anymore.

  He must be psychic because he tacks on, “To talk.”

  I don’t feel like doing much of that either.

  We make it through the rest of dinner, but barely. I still can’t eat. I take two bites of my salmon and mashed potatoes, and then push them away. This wedding is more stressful for me than it should be.

  Morgan keeps the conversation on the wedding, but then veers to Rod and how at Arby’s, he asked a man who was wearing a black eye patch if he had a pirate’s license.

&
nbsp; After finally saying our goodbyes and my whispered promise to Morgan that I’m going to kill her if she ever does that again, I unlock our doors and slide into the driver’s seat as Finn walks to the other side. All I want to do is curl up in bed and go to sleep, forgetting everything else.

  Getting in, he slams the door. “Becks, what the hell was that in there?” Excuse me?

  “What do you mean?”

  “Why are you telling Morgan how I feel about marriage? Can’t anything be just between us?”

  Even though I knew he’d say that, my jaw still hits the emergency brake. “You’re actually saying that to me when you tell Ricky everything about us?”

  He shakes his head. “Not everything.”

  I indignantly start the car and reverse out of the space. “Bullshit. Yes, I’ve told her. Of course she was going to ask what our future plans were. What was I going to do, make something up?”

  He turns away from me to look out his window. “You seem okay with doing that.”

  Stopping at a red light, I turn to look at him. “Why would you say that?”

  “Forget it.”

  “Finn, tell me!”

  Swinging his head to me, he says, “You said tonight would be nice. Right. I didn’t know I was going to be persecuted for something I don’t want to do.”

  When the light turns green, I hit the gas hard and we lurch forward. “Let it go!” I argue.

  “But you can’t let anything go,” he counters.

  Slowing at the guard post, I give Chuck a quick smile and wave, and he lets us through. I pull into Finn’s second parking space and hastily get out, heading up to his front door, not waiting for him to start up again in the car. I want to go back to my apartment, but I need to face this. Yet, I don’t want to because this conversation may cause me to chicken out of proposing at all.

  Before I can unlock the door with my key, Finn petulantly grumbles from behind me, “Why is it such a big fucking deal if I don’t want to marry you?”

  The key jerks to a halt as his words sink in and cut me to the core.

  It’s not marriage that he doesn’t want.

  It’s me.

  I cuttingly inhale as heavy tears instantly flood my eyes and I’m rendered a numb statue. How could he say that to me and be so blasé about it? It’s as if he took a samurai sword and gutted me.

  Apparently catching on to my unforeseen standstill when he stops short behind me, he irritably asks, “What?”

  Choking on a sob, I bite my lip and look around for some sort of help. A fairy godmother would be nice.

  “Becks?”

  Reaching my breaking point, I remove the key to spin around, startling Finn this time, making him flinch. I snap, “I get it! I absolutely get it even if you keep telling me not to ‘give up hope,’ I say, again imitating his deep voice, but neither of us laughs. “All you’re doing is setting me up for a huge fall!” Sniffing, I wipe at my eyes and fold my arms, wishing I had just gone home.

  Putting his hands on his hips, he looks around as confusion grips his face. “Fall for what?”

  “You want me to get my hopes up that someday you’ll change your mind! That’ll never happen! You want to string me along on your terms! Your own life plan, not considering mine at all!”

  “I have considered yours! That’s all I ever do! I just don’t know what the right thing is for us! The back and forth I feel is driving me insane! Either way I’m fucking this up!”

  I vigorously shake my head. “You waffle so much IHOP serves fewer than you do!” He unexpectedly smirks and I roar, “You’re an asshole!”

  Pushing past him, I stomp down the porch steps to my car and into the light rain that has started. As I open my door, he throws his hand out, effectively shutting it again. His face is next to mine. “Becks, don’t go.”

  I close my eyes and try the door handle again. “Move, Finn.”

  “I need you to stay.” I bet he does.

  I whirl around, his face in mine. “I am not having sex with you, so why else would you want me to stay?”

  He frowns and says through his teeth, “Having sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.”

  “Neither is ever marrying me!” I shriek, the knife again gouging me by saying the words out loud.

  He blinks rapidly through the rain clinging to his eyelashes. “I told Morgan that we might someday get married. I didn’t say we wouldn’t.”

  I slowly repeat, “We might…someday. Gee, how noncommittal of you. You could’ve easily just had said, ‘It might rain next week.’ Who the fuck cares, Finn?”

  He gasps, the scent of Jack Daniels permeates the damp air. “You already know how I feel…”

  I pinch the air in front of his lips, cutting him off. “Save it! You know how I feel. You said you’d think about it, but you’re not! I’m done arguing!”

  “You’re done?” His tone is an odd blend of bravado and fear.

  Gritting my teeth as I try to regain control of my reaction so his neighbors aren’t witnesses to my outburst, I lowly utter, “I’m going home. Alone. I’m upset and you’ve been drinking. I’m done with you tonight.”

  “Becks, you said you’d stay.”

  “You said a lot of things, too.” I twist around to open my door, but he grabs my hand and twirls me to face him, pinning my arms to my car.

  His eyes are black fire, and his voice is hushed and dark. “Huh-uh. We’re not done here. So, you say I waffle? What about you? One minute you’re complaining because I haven’t proposed and the next you’re telling me you don’t want to get married. And now, you’re back to pouting about it. Which is it, Becks? What in the fuck do you want me to do?”

  How can he be so insensitive…again? I swallow and struggle to stop crying, but all I can do is stare into his eyes as tears stream down my face, intermingling with the raindrops.

  Somehow finding my voice, I unsteadily mutter, “I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

  Holding onto my wrists, he suddenly booms, “Fuck that! What do you want me to do?” I can’t answer him. I want to, but that would be defeating the purpose of Finn doing what he wants, not because I told him to.

  “Becks! What do you want? Tell me!”

  I shake my head, willing my eyes to move from his; however, I’m irrefutably seized in his merciless stare. I affirm, “When you thought I was pregnant, you wanted to bolt. I know you did.”

  “Never. I told you I would never do that!”

  I sniff, inhaling alcohol and mist. “It doesn’t matter. You won’t have to worry about an accident anymore.”

  He cautiously asks, “Why?”

  “I’m going on the Pill.” I think it’s the only way I can hold onto him.

  Finn quickly blinks and the droplets fall onto his cheeks. “Yeah, well, it’s not the first time you’ll be on it, though. Right?” The acid in his voice is undeniable.

  Oh, no.

  I stare at his key as he persistently glares at me. “Why?”

  “You were on it before, weren’t you?”

  I close my eyes. “Who told you that?”

  “I guessed it. I’m not stupid, Becks.” Mentally, I scurry for an acceptable answer, but he insistently growls, “Answer me!”

  I automatically answer, “Yes.”

  “Why weren’t you on it when we met?”

  Wincing, I pray he forgives me.

  “I was.”

  I open my eyes to see his incredulously narrow at me. “You were on the Pill when we met? So when I asked you not to go on it, you already were?”

  Taking a deep breath, I try to ready myself for Finn’s wrath. “Yes, for my heavy periods. I stopped taking it when you asked me not to go on it.”

  He continues to glare at me before angrily asking, “Why would you do that?

  “I stopped because of the reason you didn’t want me to take it. I wanted to respect your beliefs.”

  “You were on it for a medical condition. That’s different. Why woul
d you stop taking it to respect my beliefs when it was helping you?”

  “I thought maybe…” He’s not going to like my answer.

  “Maybe what?”

  “That maybe down the road, we would have a baby. It’s easier not to be on the Pill because it may take longer for me…” Revealing my shame, I look down and sob. He doesn’t care.

  His fingers tighten on my arms and he edgily asks, “So, was I right? Were you going to get pregnant without me knowing it?”

  I whip my head back up to return his glare. “No! I just thought we were… I thought maybe we’d… I didn’t know you wouldn’t…”

  He impatiently snaps, “What, Becks?”

  “I thought maybe we had a future together. We’d have a family. I knew you were my soulmate and I wanted to spend my life with you, so I didn’t want to be stuck on the Pill if you wanted a baby with me. I was wrong. I’m sorry. I should’ve told you.”

  “Why did you lie to me?”

  “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think it was a big deal.” Now I sound like Finn and why he didn’t tell me about his depression. Wow.

  Not moving his heated eyes from my face, he takes a hand off me to rub his wet mouth. Oh, no. He’s impossibly mad at me now.

  “It is a big fucking deal when you tore me to shreds and practically dumped me for asking you to go on the fucking Pill! You let me believe I asked you to do something so unbelievable and that I was a monster for doing so! But here, you had already taken it before! You weren’t even honest with me!”

  Shit.

  I shout back, “I didn’t want to go on it again because it goes against something you believe in! I wanted you to stay true to yourself and I wanted to support you!” I shake rain from my head and he releases an arm so I can clean the water away. “Just like us not being on the same page about getting married! I want to, but you don’t! I can’t do anything to change that! I wish I could, but you’re the one who has to want to do it, too!”

  He grabs ahold of me again. “I never said never!”

  “You’re not exactly a fan of it, either, Finn!”

  He licks the water from his lips and blows out an exasperated huff. “Fuck. So now what?”

  “That’s why I’m taking time away. I need to accept it once and for all.”