Igniting the Wild Sparks

by Alexander, Ren

  Shaking hands with those around me, I try to smile, but I must look rather lame doing so. These people probably shook hands with my ex at times. My ex. That’s still difficult to swallow.

  People sing around me, but I’m unable to joyfully warble. I can only wish I could. Even if were able to carry a tune, my heart refuses to burst forth with song. It has a tough enough time beating after being devastated beyond repair.

  That evening after the game, Rod sits next to me on my bed. In a fetal position, my back is to him as I stare at the wall. Mass was exhausting, with the constant questioning of God and the dodging of nonstop memories.

  We lounge in silence for some time before he says, “You can talk to me, Hadley.”

  I mumble into my pillow, “I don’t want to.”

  “That’s what I’m here for.”

  “You don’t have to be anymore. You can go home. I’ll be fine.” I say unconvincingly. Fine…

  Leaning closer to me, he squeezes my shoulder. “Okay, but you need to talk. Shit, I’d scream if I were you. You can’t hold it all inside. It’ll drive you insane. You’ll become one of those women who wear socks with their flip-flops, mow their grass wearing an umbrella hat, sit at McDonald’s to people watch, sign documents with crayon, dress their hamster in a tuxedo, give surgical masks out for Halloween, consider Pluto a dwarf planet, and who cuss out American Idol judges and/or sleeping children.”

  I grouse, “What the fuck?”

  I feel the bed dip as he sits back. “All fact.”

  “It must’ve sucked to grow up with psychologists for parents.”

  “Am I anywhere near the vicinity of normal? I’m serious now. Let it out.”

  I quietly sigh. I just want to be alone. “I don’t know how I feel. I hate that I feel anything at all. I want to be numbed. It hurts all over. My stomach hurts and my bones ache. It even hurts to put my hair into a ponytail.” I softly gasp and whisper, “I don’t know how to live without him.”

  “I know, but he’s a dickhead. Get mad! Yell about him! Tell me how much he pissed you off! Bitch about how he fucked you over! He broke your heart, but don’t let him break your spirit!”

  Feeling ignited, I steadily push myself up, and turning to him, I seethe, “My spirit? He took my spirit with him. It’s not even here to break!” I kneel up and he nods to encourage me. “He took so much from me! He broke my trust! He gave up on our love without a fucking fight! He said he’d never let me go! He’s a damn liar!”

  Rod goads, “He did, didn’t he?”

  “Yes! We created a baby, but he didn’t care! He didn’t even care that I was having surgery in the hospital to remove our baby!”

  He sits straighter. “What a fucking bastard!” he shouts with a less-than-subtle grin.

  “I want to strangle him! I want to destroy his car! I want to set his fucking bridge on fire! I want to shave his head!”

  “His head?” Rod laughs in disbelief.

  I keep spewing, “I want to force him to change that damn tattoo, scrubbing my name from his chest! I want to saw his snowboard in half! I want to push his dirt bike down a hill! I want to tear up every fucking autographed picture he has!” My hands go to my head as I pant in anger. “I want to… I want to…”

  “Knee him in the cheating balls and punch him in his conceited mouth!”

  I point at him and shout, “Yes! Been there! Done that!”

  The pictures on my nightstand catch my eye and I reach over to pick up the one of me riding him piggyback at the park. “Why did you fuck her? I loved you!” I whine at the picture, but then rashly snarl, “Now, I hate you. I want you to hurt, but it wouldn’t come close to how you ransacked me.” I twist, which pulls my tightened, healing skin, as I hurdle the picture across the room, smashing it against the wall with a loud crash of metal and glass. That felt good.

  Turning back, I select the one of us at the racetrack, kissing at sunset, as I hovered over him on the bleacher. I sneer, “We were supposed to be forever.” I wing it to the wall where the other one had been obliterated.

  “You’re way off, Hadders,” Rod teases about my aim. I then pluck the one of us kissing at Busch Gardens. I wipe the tears away and sob, “I thought you loved me.” I squeal as I pitch that one at the wall, which results in a loud, resonant blow.

  I pick up the last one, a picture of him laughing. God, how I loved his laugh. Now, it’s like he’s laughing at me. I growl, “Fuck you, Finn Wilder.” I chuck it at the wall and it shatters, crunching as I collapse onto the bed, screaming into my pillow in relief and frustration.

  “I hope you have a vacuum cleaner,” Rod finally says with a giggle.

  I rub my hand on my wet cheeks and slowly roll over, staring at his blue-jeaned leg next to me. Perplexingly calmer, I discern, “It’s strange. He didn’t want a baby, but then he said he was trying to get me pregnant because of how I wanted one. The ironic thing is he couldn’t get me pregnant when he was trying because…” I trail off, not really needing to go on.

  Rod sighs. “Because he already had gotten you pregnant.”

  “Yeah. I was. And it happened when he wasn’t trying to knock me up.” I glance up at Rod. “You know what the thing that depresses me the most?”

  “That there will be glass in your dresser and in your underwear for a year?”

  I halfheartedly smack his leg. “Besides that. With me losing a tube, and half of my fertility, it’s almost like it’s Finn’s final retribution. Payback. He didn’t want me to have a baby, so he made damn sure I’ll never have one now. Just like in my nightmare.”

  “Hadley, no. The doctor said you can still get pregnant.”

  “My heavy, irregular periods and the fact that I’m getting older, Rod, they’re against me, too. He took everything from me. Marriage, a baby, his love.”

  “No, he didn’t. He didn’t take anything from you. Don’t let him win like that. You’re a survivor, Hadley Beckett. Your life will go on.”

  “What if I don’t want it to? I can’t live without him.”

  He grabs my hand and firmly says, “Don’t you say that. You have so many reasons to live your life without him.”

  “It doesn’t feel like it right now.”

  “It’ll take time.”

  “In the meantime, I grow old without him. No marriage. No children.”

  Rod lets go of my hand, crosses his arms and cuttingly inhales. “I don’t know how you’d feel about it, but… but if you really want a baby, I’ll… I’ll give you one.”

  Not sure that I heard him right, I peer up at him, puzzled. I expect him to be joking, but he’s not. His face is solemn. “What?”

  He nervously flicks his eyes to me. “I know you want a baby. I’ll do that for you. I’ll give you a baby, Hadley. I want to see you happy.” I’m in shock. I have no idea what to say. I can only listen to him. “I know it sounds…crazy, but I’ll make it happen for you. I promise. I’ll keep trying until I get you pregnant.”

  “Greg,” I quietly utter, completely astounded.

  “I’m not sure how we’d work out the…arrangements. You know, I mean, I’m not sure about how having…sex…with you would go. I-I mean, I know I’d have to fuck you, but… I don’t know if I could. It might be too weird.”

  “Wow. I don’t know what to say.”

  “I’d do anything for you, Hadley. I just want to see you smile again. I know he hurt you by refusing to get married. I wouldn’t do that. I’ll even marry you, if that’s what you wanted.” I can’t believe what I’m hearing. He says, “I’m not sure what kind of marriage it’d be. I do love you, but you’re more like my sister now. Besides, I know you could never love me the way you loved him.”

  I blink up at him as tears cloud my eyes again. “Greg, you would really do that for me?”

  He sincerely nods. “I would.” A small smirk lights his mouth. “I’m sure I could have sex with you if maybe we were in the dark or I wore a bag over my head.” He promptly tries to backtrack, “Not because yo
u’re ugly—because you’re not! You’re pretty. Extremely pretty. I just don’t know if…shit. I sound like a douche.” I smile at his struggle. “I could even jack off into one of those turkey baster things if that would be better for you.” My eyes widen at the mental picture I suddenly have of that. He says, “I’ll jack off in a clinic. I mean, behind closed doors. In a cup. Shit. I am a fucking douche. I don’t know. Whatever works.”

  I giggle until the tears fall, and laugh until I snort, which makes him laugh. With my stomach aching, I catch my breath and slowly try to sit up, and he helps me. “So to be clear, you’re offering to knock me up and marry me?”

  Rod anxiously brushes at his hair, and sheepishly looks at me. “Yeah. Whichever order.”

  “You do know that I’m an older woman?”

  He relaxes slightly. “By what? Seven years? Wow.” He shrugs. “So what? It’s hot.”

  I giggle and sniff. “I love you, you know that?”

  Rod scoffs, “Um, no.”

  “Well, I do. You’ve been such a great friend to me and I grossly underestimated you, Gregory Rodwell. I’m sorry for that. You’re the only person who can make me laugh, despite this shitty mess I’m in.”

  “Well you did throw a lot of pictures.” I giggle at the mess on the other side of the room. He laughs and grabs my hand again. “I’ll always be here for you, Hadders.”

  I look into his light brown eyes. “You’re one of my best friends, Greg.”

  He arches an eyebrow and grins. “So I’ve been promoted to BFF?” Dropping my hand, he puts his arm around me. Pulling me to him, he slyly asks, “So, does that mean we’re having sex? I get to see you naked?”

  I smile. “No.”

  “Only with the lights out?”

  “No.”

  “The turkey baster then?”

  “Eww. No.”

  “I don’t know how else to…you know…deliver the goods.”

  “Shut up!” I shriek and giggle. I lean my head on his shoulder and say, “I don’t want a baby, but thank you for the offer.”

  “Wait a minute. That’s what you’ve been wanting for a long time.”

  I’m silent until I quietly admit, “I did. I didn’t just want a baby. I wanted his baby. Only his, Rod. I wanted a life with him. Everything. Now, I have nothing.”

  “No, you don’t have nothing. You have people who love you.”

  “I thought I had the epic love.”

  “I thought you did, too. He really wanted you back. He told me.”

  “When?”

  “When he texted me, wanting to meet with you. I went in your place.”

  That doesn’t surprise me for some reason. “What did he say?”

  “He wanted me to help him get you back. He said he loved you and he’d wait as long as he had to.”

  “Oh.”

  “He was going to give you time without pressuring you to talk to him. I thought he was genuine. I don’t know how he played me.”

  “Right. More lies. I wonder if he would’ve acted differently if he had known I was pregnant. Maybe he would’ve said yes to my proposal. Maybe he wouldn’t have left or cheated on me. Maybe he would’ve left me sooner.”

  “Don’t go speculating. We don’t know what he would’ve done.”

  “He told me he didn’t want to lose me. He actually proposed. I don’t get it. He cried. Soul-wrenchingly cried. We even sat and cried together. It was cathartic, in a way.”

  “I don’t know. I wish I could tell you why he took off and said those things. Maybe he was lying again.”

  “Oh, God. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. He’s probably just a compulsive liar and I can’t trust him. On the other hand, maybe he really didn’t mean those things he told Morgan on the phone, yet he didn’t come back here when she told him I was in the hospital, losing our baby. Therefore, he had to have been telling the truth, which cuts into my soul.”

  Rod strokes my arm and sighs. “Well, like I said, I’m here for you. I’ll be your baby daddy.” I laugh and shake my head against his shoulder. He says, “If you ever change your mind, don’t hesitate to tell me. I don’t know how that’d work out if I did meet someone. I guess we’d just have to have threesomes.” I pinch his arm and he swats me, giggling with me.

  “So, am I still sleeping on the couch? Baby making or not, we could still have a romp, couldn’t we?”

  I elbow him. “Not tonight, Rod. I have a huge gash in my stomach.”

  “That’s hot, too.”

  I sit back and say, “Greg Rodwell, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you.”

  He wickedly smirks. “I have a list of things you could do, starting with unbuckling my belt.”

  “You’re a slut.”

  “So, I’ve been told.”

  Becoming emotional again, I tearfully giggle and hug one of the true heroes in my life.

  In the morning, there’s a knock at the door. I lie in bed as I hear Rod answer it. I can only hear his muffled voice. I really don’t want any visitors. I want to stay in bed for the rest of my life. I’m sure that would work.

  We spent two hours cleaning up my tantrum last night as best as we could. I’ll be forever wearing shoes in my bedroom.

  I pull the blanket up over my head and pray that it’s someone for Rod. Highly doubtful since it’s my apartment.

  From under the blanket, I hear my bedroom door push open and soft footsteps fall on the carpet. A hand goes on my shoulder and I try not to move. Maybe they’ll think I’m dead and go away. The blanket starts to slide away and I tug it back to me.

  I growl, “Go away.”

  “Not happening.”

  Floored, I throw the blanket off and Bethany smiles at me. “I’m your wakeup call. Get up.”

  “Beth!” I carefully sit up and she sits down next to me. Hugging her, I start to cry.

  “Now, hey, you listen to me. I want you to show me where your suitcase is and then clothes you want. We’re heading out of here.”

  I pull away. “Where are we going?” Am I being kidnapped again?

  “Wherever you want to go.”

  I frown and slump. “I’m not up for a trip.”

  “And this isn’t up for discussion.”

  “I can’t afford a trip since I had this surgery. The bills will be horrible.”

  “Don’t you worry about it. The trip is already taken care of.”

  “You?”

  “Your dad. Now, come on. I’ll help you get dressed. Where do you want to go?”

  “There’s only one place I want to see.”

  We check into our hotel before we stop at a grocery store where I pick up what I need. She then drives us a short distance to Henlopen State Park.

  “I still don’t know why you want to be here. You could’ve gone anywhere, Hadley.”

  “I want to be here.”

  “Why? It’s just going to bring up memories for you. That’s why you won’t go to my house.” I do feel bad that we’re not too far from Bethany’s and I’m making her stay in a hotel with me.

  “No, I didn’t pick your house because you need a short vacation, too,” I fib, somewhat. I can’t sleep in her guest room.

  We walk to the shore where Finn drew a heart in the sand for me. She sits down on the sand, and advises, “You have to watch your incision with the salt water and sand.”

  “I know. I’ll be okay.” I twirl the stems of the white and red roses I have in my hand. Stepping out of my shoes, I walk to the water as Bethany looks on. I wade into the sudsy water until it comes up to my shins. I know the roses will most likely be washed ashore, but I think this will help me, in a way, to find closure.

  I pluck the white rose and whisper, “To my baby. I’m so sorry I couldn’t hold you in my arms. I didn’t know you, yet I loved you. You were made with love. I promise you that. You were wanted; even if that’s not the impression you had in your last minutes of life. I know your father loved you, too. I truly believe that. He did create you with
love. That’s one thing I’m positive of knowing. I felt his love those three years. He couldn’t pretend that. I know your daddy truly did love us; though, he didn’t know the preciousness he had right in front of him. At times, I swear he knew we made you because after we did, his hand was always on my stomach, and after I was hit, he’d kiss around my bruise, essentially kissing you. I’m naming you True because through his lies, there was truth within him when he gave me you. God bless you, True Beckett Wilder. I love you, my baby.”

  I toss the rose into the water, watching it ducking into the water and bobbing on the waves.

  Holding the red rose, I whisper, “To you, Finn. Sparks. I know you loved me. You made mistakes. I made mistakes. But together, we made a miracle. Not just by creating our baby together, but with our love. You were the one person in my life I counted on. More than even my dad. I thought I knew you. You made me feel loved, no matter our separate addresses or marital status. You were mine as I was yours. I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. You were my heart and soul. My missing puzzle piece. My key. The stars in my night sky. How do I learn to live without you? How do I get past the cheating? The things you accused me of doing?

  I want to forgive you. I want to hate you. I want to love you. I want to remember you. I want to forget you.”

  “Like this?” I asked as I attempted to bob the soccer ball on my knee. I bounced it once, before it shot off my knee and onto the ground.

  “Sort of.” Finn laughed. “You’re supposed to keep it going a little longer.”

  “I tried!”

  He picked up the ball and grinned. “Like this.” He expertly popped the ball several times on his knee with cool and confident ease. He then handed me the ball back and said, “Try again.”

  “Why? What’s the point?” I giggled. “You’ll just laugh at me.”

  “No, I won’t. I promise.” He crossed his arms, while arranging his face into a serious and studious expression. I pursed my lips at him to hide my smile, but I couldn’t. However, he was a better actor since he didn’t crack a smile.