Heaven or Hell

by Roni Teson

  Jessie decided to get up, make some coffee, and then head over to the hospital. She felt it in her bones—he was going to be gone real soon. Even though he’d handed them such a cockamamie story, she wanted to be around her brother for a while and help him through this last phase of his life. Her brother was a real deliverer of tales, and this was the most difficult part for her to comprehend. Why couldn’t he just stand up and be accountable for his actions? Crazy, crazy man.

  Jessie hurried through her morning routine. She’d arrive before visiting hours, but she trusted that the hospital staff would let her in. Something about Joe’s rapport with these people during his dying days made her believe this would be okay. If the hospital in general were strict, Willa would look the other way—assuming she was there this morning. In the few moments Jessie had spent with Willa, they’d become fast friends.

  A heartbreaker was what this would all come down to. Joe, or Juan—whatever the hell his name was—would stay alive long enough to make his family care again, and then he’d die. Leaving his daughter, grandson, and everyone else scratching their heads and wondering what had just occurred. Not much Jessie could do about it now, except for trying to talk Joe out of sharing his craziness with Teresa. Or if he’d shared it already, maybe she could get him to help convince Teresa he was mentally disturbed. Then he could, kind of like … take it back.

  Jessie was glad she’d get to see Joe again, because the more she thought about it, the more she liked the idea of having closure. Finally just about ready to start out, Jessie allowed herself to leave a few dishes in the sink in order to exit quickly for the hospital. Opening the front door, she shuddered as the chilly early morning air slammed against her face. She laughed at her reaction, and told herself, “The people in Bismarck would think you’re crazy for being cold right now. Or crazy for talking to yourself. Ha!”

  Jessie trotted to her car and immediately turned the heater on. “Sissy.” She aimed her insult at the air vent. “Crazy,” she then said to her reflection in the mirror and followed it with, “Torres family curse.”

  As she backed out of the driveway, Jessie realized she’d neglected her weeding, and her yard was starting to look a bit frayed around the edges. She made a mental note to return to her yard work that afternoon. A little a day kept the messiness away. But at least the seediness wasn’t easy to recognize in the dark morning hours. God help her when she saw the yard in the light of day.

  Jessie clutched the steering wheel and zipped through the neighborhood. Speeding over the morning roads made her feel a whole lot better. Control was what she’d lacked during the last twenty-four hours, and at the steering wheel she felt in control again. Yesterday had simply been no picnic whatsoever. Joe had sucked the life out of all of them in one fell swoop. Grief, sadness, regret, anger, hate, and love—just a few of the turns on the roller-coaster ride he’d been offering. Now, how much time did she have to convince him to leave it alone and simply say good-bye?

  Jessie pulled into the hospital parking lot ten minutes after she’d left her house. With her head tucked down, she hurried through the front of the hospital and through the halls trying to show confidence, as if she were a hospital worker. She laughed to herself when she realized she didn’t need to feel she was going to be arrested. The halls were almost empty this morning, and the silence was soothing.

  Jessie stopped short when she entered her brother’s room and saw Father Benjamin seated next to Joe. Both men were silent.

  “I’m sorry, Father. Am I disturbing something?” she asked. These priests—who knew what nonsense they might hand out to a man at the threshold of death.

  “Hello, Jessie.” Father Benjamin stood up and gestured toward the other chair. “Have a seat. I’m glad you’re here.”

  “What’s happening? I woke up and thought I needed to be here,” Jessie told them both. “Joe, what does the doctor say?”

  Joe appeared to be awake and more alive this morning.

  “I’m still here. They don’t know for sure, but soon is what I’m hearing, and sometimes feeling,” Joe answered. “Earlier, we were talking about what to do with my remains.”

  “Oh,” Jessie said, and she sat down.

  “Your brother asked me to hold his ashes until Teresa’s ready to take them,” the priest explained.

  “I thought you wanted them scattered in the ocean or something like that,” Jessie said.

  “Why?” Joe asked.

  “I don’t know,” Jessie said with a nervous chuckle. “Just something I thought you mentioned long ago.”

  “I was probably drunk. I’m not much for water,” Joe answered without much emphasis.

  “I know,” Jessie replied. “I always thought it was a strange request from you. So we could put your ashes near Marion’s grave. That’d take the decision away from Teresa, and she could visit once she … you know, once she gets past this …”

  Joe’s eyes moved from Jessie to the priest. “What do you think, Father? It’s not a bad idea.”

  “It works for me. I’ll research it and see what we need to do to get it done,” the father answered.

  “What about the Church, Father? You’re okay with cremation?” Jessie asked. “And will Marion mind, Joe, that you’ll be next to her?” What, really, was she asking? Not if Marion, now, would mind—since his wife was long dead. Jessie meant, of course, did he think it would be respectful to her memory. But Marion wouldn’t have minded, would she have—what was she thinking?

  “Marion always said the body is a shell, and she’d left hers years ago. So no, she won’t mind,” Joe answered Jessie.

  “I’m okay with cremation. The Church, in general, has a different opinion,” the priest added in.

  “How’d it go with Teresa and JJ last night? I haven’t talked to her yet.” Jessie was, frankly, curious.

  “Not so good. She didn’t want to hear any of it. She pushed me to deliver and it all came out wrong.” Joe closed his eyes and mumbled. “Teresa’s really mad at me now. Worse than before we talked.”

  “I’m not going to say it, but I’m thinking it,” Jessie said. She’d told him so.

  “I had to try,” Joe answered her.

  “Why?” Jessie shook her head.

  “Come on now, let’s not start,” Joe whispered.

  “Well.” Father Benjamin stood up. “I think I’ll head out and leave you two alone.”

  The priest reached out for Joe’s hand and held it for a moment. Jessie watched Father Benjamin’s eyes meet her brother’s. The priest then nodded, turned, and slowly left the room.

  “He’s not happy about you dying,” Jessie said. “That priest is going to miss you, Joe. How the hell did that happen?”

  Joe laughed and suddenly cringed as if with pain. “I know,” he whispered. “It makes no sense at all. I’ve got a priest for a friend. Fancy that.”

  “And no laughing, you.” Jessie pointed her finger at her brother. “Enough of this craziness—it’s time for you to relax.”

  “I think I’ll able to relax a lot here in a few,” Joe said.

  “How do you know that? You don’t know anything for sure, do you, Joe? So listen up, it’s time to let go, get pain medicine, and say good-bye. Enough already!” Jessie’s voice echoed against the clean, white walls. “Sorry, that was too loud,” she then whispered.

  “Oh God, I missed you. I did.” Joe managed a slight smile.

  “Well, what’s done is done.” Jessie slapped her hands together. “I’d like to take you to breakfast, but I see you’re all tied up.”

  “Very funny.”

  “But seriously, do you want me to find Willa and get you some pain medicine? This is crazy—you’re turning gray,” Jessie said.

  “What? Where did my yellow tint go?” Joe asked.

  “Don’t be so silly—it’s there. Underneath the gray,” Jessie answered.
>
  “You’re serious, aren’t you?” Joe asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Do you think Teresa and JJ will come by again?” Joe questioned her then.

  “I don’t know. I haven’t talked to her since before she saw you yesterday. I think this is real tough on her. So, it’s hard to say.” Jessie sighed. She didn’t know what would be best for Teresa—seeing him again, or just avoiding further contact.

  “How’ve you been? What’ve you been up to all these years?” Joe turned his head toward Jessie and maintained eye contact.

  “It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? I wouldn’t know where to begin. Teresa lived with me for a while and we got her through college. I retired from the school a few years ago, but I keep busy.”

  “Jessie, you’ve never liked talking about yourself. You haven’t changed a bit, in that respect.”

  “Hmm, thank you … I guess,” Jessie said.

  “What happened to Robert? Did you marry him?” Joe asked.

  “Robert Nunez? We were never going to marry. He went to jail.” Jessie wrinkled her forehead and squinted her eyes. She hadn’t heard the Nunez name in years, and hearing it now was a shock to her system. Robert!

  “What? No way. That guy was as straight as an arrow,” Joe rasped.

  “He got into drugs or something, but that was long after he and I broke up. Robert just wasn’t meant for me.” Jessie couldn’t tell if her brother was truly interested, or if he was merely pushing the focus off himself. At this point what did it matter though? She’d play along.

  “So, who was?” he asked.

  “Well, evidently no one, Joe. I never married,” Jessie snapped.

  “I thought you had somebody in your life …” Joe’s eyebrows lifted.

  Jessie smiled and put as much lightness in her voice as she could, almost as if she were talking to a child. “No, I don’t have time for that. I’m a busy lady. I can’t say I’ve saved the streets of Los Angeles, like my brother has, but nothing romantic to speak of, either.”

  “What happened with Teresa and Greg?” Joe asked.

  For a moment Jessie thought of the arguments between the two, and Teresa’s obsession over getting pregnant. The strain was simply too much for their relationship. “I’m not completely sure,” she answered. “But he’s been remarried for quite some time, and he has a beautiful family, which I’m sure secretly bothers Teresa.”

  “That’s too bad,” Joe said as he closed his eyes.

  Within seconds, the machines began making noises—a different rhythm than previously. Several medical technicians, nurses, and doctors ran into the room and shooed Jessie away from Joe’s bedside.

  “He’s got nine lives, you know.” The priest entered the room and the two of them stood by the empty bed near the door.

  With her face pulled tight and her jaw clenched, Jessie leaned against the wall farthest from Joe’s bed. Her stomach began to turn. As quickly as he’d reentered their lives, it was over. Her brother was about to die. A tear fell down Jessie’s check. Speaking now would only cause her to cry hysterically. Oh, that stupid priest. Why didn’t he go away and leave her alone?

  “Jessie,” Father Benjamin said. “He might pull through.”

  Jessie nodded and made a weak attempt at a smile while she watched the hospital staff come and go on high alert. To Jessie the moment seemed surreal; her head spun, and she fidgeted on her feet, murmuring, “This isn’t happening right now. Not yet.”

  Many sets of scrubs stomped in and out of Joe’s room for what seemed like hours; then all at once the flurry of activity came to an end. Jessie’s purse fell to the ground as she moved quickly around the empty bed and trotted to her brother’s side.

  “What happened? Joe?” She pushed her way through the sea of green that were surrounding his body.

  A woman who she thought was a nurse spoke directly in her ear. “Juan was very specific about not attempting resuscitation. We can’t do anything else. I’m so sorry.”

  Joe’s eyes were closed, and the machine’s rhythm seemed familiar, but Joe was barely breathing. His pale skin seemed almost transparent.

  “Joe, it’s okay to go,” Jessie whispered.

  She touched her brother’s cheek and he opened his eyes but stared right past her. His eyes shut again, and he gasped for breath. The breath soon exited him, and she waited for him to take another gulp of air, which never came.

  Tears welled up in her eyes and slowly spilled over. If the room was still filled with hospital workers she wasn’t aware of it. It seemed as if she and her brother were all alone, yet connected again at the moment of his death.

  Jessie stood at Joe’s bedside and held his lifeless hand until the warmth left his body.

  CHAPTER 22

  TERESA DROVE HER CAR THROUGH TRAFFIC as if she were on autopilot. She’d managed to get an earlier start than the previous day, but her head was foggy, and she felt like she could easily go back to bed and sleep the day away. She hardly noticed that JJ was unusually quiet as well. She sipped her coffee and shivered while she drove with one hand.

  “I had some weird dreams last night,” JJ said.

  “Oh yeah, about what?” Teresa asked.

  “Aunt Angela talked to me, practically all night long. She told me things like what your Dad was telling us yesterday. Well, she said she was my aunt.”

  “Hmm … I think I slept pretty deep, because I don’t remember anything.” Teresa sipped her coffee as a memory of her fingers flashed into her head. “Except for my fingers.”

  “What?” JJ asked.

  “Yes, I woke up and my fingers were moving in front of my face. Sounds crazy, but I had no control of my arm …” Teresa gripped the steering wheel harder. “I think we both experienced a Joe Torres tall tale night.”

  “My dream was strange. I’ve never experienced anything quite like that. Aunt Angela went into detail about those little dogs, your dad, and that cloud,” JJ said with a yawn.

  “Aunt Angela? Where’d you get that from?”

  “In my dream. I told you,” he responded.

  Teresa shook her head and cleared her throat. “This is nuts,” she whispered.

  “I know,” JJ said. “But just in case, this morning I wrote down what I could remember.”

  Teresa raised her eyebrow and glanced over at her son.

  “I know that look, Mom,” JJ said. “But, I want to track my dreams. What if I have more? And what if they tell me something we need to know, even if it is my overactive imagination. I think you should write down your dream, too.”

  “Mine wasn’t a dream. I woke up and my hand was over my face, and my fingers were moving in front of my eyes. I went back to sleep,” she said.

  “Okay, then, I’ll write that down.” JJ pulled a notepad out of his backpack and began to write.

  “Oh, stop this. Don’t be so silly. It’s all coming from Joe.” Teresa put her hand on JJ’s pen.

  “Mom, steering wheel, please!” JJ pulled away his pen and pointed toward the road.

  “Oops.” Teresa grabbed the wheel and for a split second thought she saw the gold interior of the old family wagon she and Angela were driving in the day of the accident. JJ’s voice brought her back to the moment.

  “I want to keep track of all of this weird stuff.” JJ wrote while he spoke. “I’m also documenting your hostility.”

  Teresa chuckled and let down her guard a bit. “Okay, okay. I guess it’s good exercise for your brain.”

  She thought about last night and how she’d tossed and turned after the incident of her fingers in her face. A restless night would be an understatement. It was as if she’d fought with herself all night long. She yawned and was back in automatic pilot mode when her cell phone rang.

  “Hello,” she answered.

  “Teresa, this is Father Benjamin. I’m afraid
I have bad news.”

  “Is he gone?” she asked.

  “He’s gone,” the priest responded.

  “Okay, we’ll be right over.” Teresa moved the car through traffic as she dialed JJ’s school to say he’d be out for the day. Heaviness weighed in her heart, a sadness she thought she’d never feel toward her father again. Her throat tightened, and she used every bit of her energy to focus on something else—anything else to help her resist the urge to sob. She told herself she wasn’t going to cry. Damn that man. He was only gone as he had been last week and the week before. It was that simple. No more pain.

  “I’m sorry, Mom,” JJ said.

  Teresa dared not open her mouth for fear of losing control, so she nodded toward JJ and drove in silence. Her Aunt Jessie would need to know, and somebody would have to call Uncle Joe at the home. She absentmindedly reached in her jacket pocket looking for that woman Anna’s telephone number. How silly of her—the priest would surely tell the folks from the center.

  What about Greg? Well, he didn’t need to know. She hadn’t been married to him for many years now. And he’d never met her father, had he? The people she’d be spending time with today were folks in her father’s life. Strangers whom she didn’t know.

  “Are you okay?” JJ asked.

  Teresa nodded. She’d have to make arrangements at the funeral home. Should she call Aunt Jessie now? No, that could wait until she got to the hospital and saw for certain that her father was gone.

  “It’s going to be okay,” a woman said in a hushed tone.

  Wait a minute, that voice wasn’t JJ’s. “I’m sorry, did you just say something?” she asked.

  “Like an hour ago. What’s up, Mom? I said, ‘Are you okay,’ and you nodded.” JJ leaned into her, touching her shoulder with his head.

  “Oh, I thought you said … it’s okay …” Teresa supposed the voice had been her imagination.