Ruin

by N. M. Martinez

  Mom never made bacon, though it smelled distantly familiar. I tried to remember where I'd caught a whiff of that before, but then realized it was stupid. I could have smelled it anywhere really, and just never paid attention before now.

  I finish off my breakfast, pausing again when I bring the bacon towards my mouth and catch that smell that makes my stomach roil again, then I start washing the dishes as the morning lights up enough to turn off the electric lamp on the table. I expect to start hearing the voices from downstairs soon. They start early in the morning and continue throughout the day. It's hard to tell if they're the same voices through the door, but they're loud and usually boisterous enough that napping in the living room is difficult.

  I take a seat on the couch and wait for the voices to rise. Drawing my knees to my chest and grabbing an old blanket Henri hangs off the back of the couch, I wipe the sleep from my eyes and just wait. But no sounds rise up to the door. Nothing invades the quiet.

  Something about this morning is off. Perhaps it's just the dream leaving its claws in me. I lie down on my side on the couch. The blanket over me, my legs curled up. Nothing. It's blissfully quiet. And though the room is cold, the warmth from the kitchen earlier having dispersed, and despite the dust and musty smells, something about it makes me feel at ease. Before I know it, I'm sound asleep.

  I wake up to a room brightly lit with sunlight. It's early morning and there's still no sound from outside.

  When it was noisy, I wanted nothing more than for it to be quiet, but now, when faced with this real quiet, I think I prefer the noise. It feels like something is wrong. It shouldn't be this quiet.

  I open the door and step out trying to avoid the squeaky part of the hall that I stepped on last time. It doesn't matter. I end up stepping on another squeaky patch and brace myself for someone to come up.

  There is movement over at the stairs. I see the shadows on the wall near the opening before I hear the rustling of clothes and then the soft steps of someone walking up. A head peeks up again and at the sight of me he smiles, his green eyes bright in the pale morning light.

  My stomach does a flip to see him again. It's the same guy from before who had been blocking the stairs. He's also the one from the fire pit-- Alex was his name. He smiles at me, his long hair falling into his eyes so he has to shove it back. It's that smile, friendly and open, that draws me near though I should know better.

  "Where is everyone?" I ask him before I get too near.

  He glances at a window facing out front. "Outside."

  "Outside?" Something about it surprises me. I doubt they would have voluntarily gone outside on their own. I look at the guy in front of me with narrowed eyes, unsure if I should trust him. He stands in front of me completely unassuming. His hands are open and at his sides, his eyes on me, but he keeps his distance.

  He lifts a hand to scratch at the back of his neck. "Yes. It was Brandon."

  "Brandon? He asked them to stay outside and they listened?"

  "Yes."

  It's not a free for all here-- I know that. Still, this surprises me too. None of these people seem like the sort to just roll over and take commands. They'd listen to a person only if they respected them.

  With a jolt, I remember that it was Alex who stood on the stairs alone, blocking the way. That says something.

  I brush my hair behind my ear. "But you're still here."

  He has a foot on the top stair, but the knee is bent. His other foot rests on one of the lower stairs so that we're the same height. It's an awkward position for him to stand in, but also reassuring. It wouldn't be easy for him to jump at me if he wanted to.

  "Brandon said I could stay."

  It feels as if there's some other unspoken detail, but I don't know what to ask. I look at Alex and bite at the inside of my lip. I don't even know what to say. He doesn't strike me as an immediate danger, but that seems like it should be even more of a warning.

  His weight shifts to the leg that's further away, the one lower on the stairs. "I can stay outside."

  I stand there like an idiot with my hands at my sides and heels flat against wood floor. I'm not in the best defensive position either, and I know it. I should be staying in Henri's house and not coming out for any reason. I shouldn't trust anyone else.

  "Brandon was here?"

  His green eyes open wide. He's so close to my own age, even closer to it than Brandon is. Maybe that's why Brandon told him he could stay? "No." He lifts his hand and scratches at his neck again. "Last night. When we left."

  I still get a sense that he isn't being completely honest with me, though I admit I'm relieved that Brandon didn't stop by and avoid me. Now that I'm out of his hair, I expect that I won't see him very often. Though he still seems to be trying to take care of me in his own way, and after staying with Henri for a few days, I find I miss Brandon's over-protectiveness.

  Alex rubs at his chin. "You want me outside?"

  But I don't know, and it doesn't seem like that's something I should say even if it's probably all over my face. I don't know what I want him to do or if I should trust him even. I'm determined to give an answer, but the one that slips out is the one I shouldn't speak. "I don't know." The words come out low from my throat, and I dip my head and stare at the ground after they're out.

  Alex holds very still. "I will stay on the bottom step. If you want, you can come later."

  I glance up at him and catch the smallest smile, one meant to encourage me. He adds, "No one will get past me." Then he turns and walks down the stairs, his head disappearing from view.

  I stand still, frozen in my spot. It's possible it could be a trick of some sort. I lift a foot and tap my toe on the wood floor. Behind me, the door to Henri's apartment is partially ajar. Most of my days are spent in that little room, and I'm going stir crazy trapped in that hot stuffy apartment where the windows won't open and everything is coated in dust.

  My feet move forward before my mind has agreed so that by the time I'm at the top of the stairs, my thoughts have caught up. It's too late by then. Alex sits on the last few steps and turns when he hears my feet on the wood. His green eyes are on me with a gentle probing smile meant to show interest and gain my trust. It reminds me of Rob.

  I can't promise my trust though just this act means I must be giving him some. The only other option is that I'm simply tired of living and willing to throw my life away to this complete stranger.

  The steps creak as I softly step down them. The hallway underneath is empty. It's just me and Alex. I take a seat near him on the stairs, placing my feet only a step or two below the one I'm sitting on so that I can hold my knees to my chest.

  "I am glad you came. It would get boring," he says quietly.

  I nod. "I know what you mean. It's boring up there."

  He turns slightly to put his back on the wall and partially face me while stretching his long legs out. Alex makes no other moves though I can feel his eyes on me, checking me out by the light of day. The thought makes my cheeks flare up so I look down at my knees and ignore it, letting him look me over. I'm nothing impressive compared to those around here. If anything, I must seem like an odd creature to him with my pale skin and my pouchy belly. But he doesn't say anything about it.

  "You are Neutral Brandon says."

  I'm sure more people than just Brandon has told him. Word must travel fast in a place like this. I glance up at him and nod.

  "Why are you here?"

  Alex looks genuinely concerned and curious. I take a swallow as I try to think how to explain the situation. It seems like it would be difficult to explain, but it isn't. The words come out much too easily. "I was banished. They kicked me out because Hen-- Mr. Smith is my dad. Apparently."

  "You didn't know?" His voice is soft. It fills the space between the two of us and almost feels like it carries no farther. I can't help looking up at him.

  "No. My mom never told me."

  Alex glances away with brows furrowed, staring further down th
e hall as if he were the one disappointed in her. I want to rise to her defense, but he speaks before I can. "My mother never knew my father."

  Our eyes meet, his narrowed and even slightly weary. It is such a personal thing to share with someone he doesn't know. I blink, trying to think of what to say. Asking more about it doesn't seem like the right thing to do. Maria and the others said that the past is something sacred. It's not something you can pry out of a person.

  I try to think of something topical we can talk about, but there is nothing we have in common. We both grew up with such very different lives that I don't know what we could possibly talk about together. And there is so little that I still know about this place that I don't know what shouldn't be mentioned.

  Before I get the chance, Alex tenses and looks at the door a second before it opens up and someone enters. She stops at the door and takes in the sight of us on the stairs with her hand on her hip.

  "Well well. You two are certainly getting friendly."

  Maria turns a smile on the two of us that makes me blush. Alex doesn't say anything in our defense, and I can't dare to look at him to see his face. Maria walks over to us and stands in front of Alex with one hand on her hip. She looks puny in comparison, standing only a few inches taller than him though he's sitting.

  He doesn't move his legs for her. The curve of his cheek hints at a smile aimed right at Maria. She swats at his legs.

  "Move Alex. We're going inside. You can wait out here."

  Alex grumbles, but he moves his feet so Maria can pass. She stops just long enough to grab my arm and pull me with her back up the stairs and to Henri's apartment. Once the door is shut securely, she turns on me.

  "And what was that?"

  "What?" I look at back at her, scared that if I face her she'll be able to see everything written all over my face.

  "You know exactly what." At first I think she's going to be angry, but then she starts to laugh. "You have a crush."

  "I do not. I don't even know him."

  "All the better." Maria takes a seat on the couch and pats the seat next to her. "C'mon. I really didn't come to harass you about Alex. I wanted to talk to you about something."

  I clear my throat and step over to the couch to have a seat, sure that I'll bump something along the way. In my experience, it's never a good thing when someone says they want to talk about something. And being here, I can only imagine that it's even worse to have someone want to talk to me about something.

  Maria looks around the apartment taking in all the details of the old newspapers and the bookshelves full of books and binders. "Wow. This place is almost exactly what I expected."

  "You mean you've never been in here?"

  She shrugs. "No. I never really had a reason to before. This place is," she pauses and looks around again, "stuffy. Can't you open a window or something?"

  "I tried. They won't open. They're practically glued shut. I'd guess Henri doesn't spend a lot of time here."

  Her eyes open wider at the use of Henri's first name, but she doesn't say anything about it. It's probably best to be careful with the way I'm using his name. He's more than just a leader to most of them. He's a historical figure. "Anyway, I wanted to ask you if you'd want to go with us to watch some sparring." She smiles at my blank look. "Brandon wanted me to invite you. Tomorrow. They're going to get together and do some practice fights. It's pretty fun to watch."

  It is boring stuck here at Henri's house, but I don't know that I really want to go. This new quiet is nice. It's safe. Outside, I'm not sure what to expect.

  "So here's the part I wanted to talk to you about. You shouldn't refuse." Her eyes shrink as a gentle smile appears on her lips. "Brandon sent me to do the asking mostly because he doesn't want to force you, but this is sorta important. It's the higher ups who'll be participating. Kyrene, Angel, and maybe even Mike. He wants you to come because it's a small gathering of people close to him. He's basically claiming you as family by inviting you."

  I swallow. "But he doesn't want to force me."

  "No. He probably would rather I didn't even tell you this, but I'm sure he knew when he asked me to do it that I would." She shrugs and tosses a hand into the air. "Complicated. But I'll be there. Mitchell too."

  "Will you spar with them?"

  "Probably not. Unless I catch them by surprise."

  Maria's smile becomes a mischievous smirk between the two of us as if we shared some common ground other than just our age. I latch onto that smile though, needing someone else I can confer with, someone like her who will obviously tell me the things I need to know, even the things Brandon wouldn't tell me or wouldn't want to tell me.

  "When?"

  "Tomorrow. I'll come pick you up."

  Seventeen

  "Looks like we're early." Maria grins at me as we come to a stop in a patch of dead grass and dirt next to an old brick building with broken windows. "I know what we can do. We can practice."

  My mouth, partially open as I stare up and down the old broken and burned building, snaps shut as I turn to her and raise my hands between the two of us. "I don't know how to fight. I have no reason to."

  "You had no reason to. Before. But here you need to know how to defend yourself. Look, it's really easy. I promise. I'll just teach you the weak points and how to get at them and we can go from there, okay?"

  I shake my head, but she grabs me by the arm and pulls me away from the building and the shade and into the sunshine. We stand at the back of some sort of industrial building with broken out windows and boards nailed up on the inside. The building is abandoned according to Maria, though it still tells tales of the Revolution thirty years ago. Some of the boards hang down, others have rotted away. At some point, people probably tried to hide out in this building, but if the destroyed front is any indication, they weren't able to hold out indefinitely.

  Maria smacks me in the arm. "Pay attention to me."

  I turn away from the building and look directly at her as she spreads her feet and balls her fists in a move so smooth she hardly seems aware of it.

  "Good. So look, there's three spots you can hit a person that will make them think twice about attacking you. Throat, eyes, and crotch. Most of the guys around here are going to protect their crotch for all its worth though, so you'll only get them if they aren't expecting it. Best thing to do it hit them in the throat, then they can't breathe and you can kick them in the crotch right after."

  I shove some strands of hair back and scratch my head. "What if they're tall?"

  Maria stops and stands up. "What? What does that have to do with anything? Everyone is going to be taller than us. We're short."

  "You're short. I'm average. How would I reach their throat?"

  She rolls her eyes and sighs. "Or whatever. The important thing is to just fight, but not flail around doing nothing. Unless that's part of your strategy and you plan on surprising them."

  "What if there's more than one?"

  "Paula." Maria tilts her head and eyes me. "You're not taking this seriously."

  "I am." But even as I protest, I know she's sort of right. I don't really want to play practice fighting with her, not when she so easily falls into a fighting stance. "They're valid questions." And they kinda are too. Most of the people I've seen travel in groups. Even if they came across one lone little Neutral like me, I'm sure they'd still all come at me, not take turns.

  "Then you've got to be smarter than them. Find a way to get one alone and escape if you can. You can't give in or give up. And never give ground or let yourself be herded. You have to fight. That's the only way you're going to make it."

  I look to the broken building. What chance do I have as a lone human when a group couldn't even defend themselves with the benefit of a strong building around them?

  There's a slight movement at the side of the building that draws my attention. Green eyes meet mine right as he stops to lean against the building with his arms crossed. There's something different about Alex this
time as he rests so casually, and when I notice it, my breath catches in my throat. He's shirtless. His long torso curves slightly as he leans, the wiry muscles stand out against his tanned skin. On his chest is the most surprising tattoo-- a tiger with eyes that look faintly colored.

  Right away my face flushes, the heat from the midday sun suddenly making beads of sweat appear on my face in the most unattractive of places as my entire face becomes hot up to the hairline on my forehead. I glance at Maria who follows my gaze and looks annoyed before she looks back and sees my face. Then she barks out a laugh before she has a chance to even think about it. After the first one, she covers her mouth and apologizes to me. "I'm sorry. But your face is so red."

  I will it to go away, but that seems to only make it worse. And then Alex shoves off from the side of the building and comes towards us. My hands rise to cover my embarrassingly bright cheeks, but it's not enough. There's no way I can hide my entire face from view.

  Alex stops at a respectable distance, but I can feel his eyes on my face. I glance at him and catch his eyes a second before he smiles. "Your face is red."

  Maria stifles another laugh behind her hand before she gets serious. "Bad, Alex. Not appropriate. I'm sure she knows her face is red without you telling her."

  His smile dims a little and he actually looks a tiny bit confused at that almost like a frustrated kid. "I was just saying what I see."

  Maria rolls her eyes. "You were not. You know she's embarrassed, and you're taking pleasure in it."

  If I wasn't completely mortified before, I am now. I put my face in my hands and give it a rub. It can't get any worse than it is right now. "Please put a shirt on."

  Maria laughs again, and Alex smiles as he gives a shrug. "I don't have one now," he says.

  I cover my face with my hands again. Maria gives him a shove. "And who invited you? What're you doing here?"