Ruin

by N. M. Martinez

  Even Alex smiles, though he still doesn't meet my eyes. Jimmy does put an arm around me then and pulls me to his side. I don't fight him. My insides still quake and clench at the thought of being so close to him. I remember what he looked like when he thought about killing the telepath, a girl only a few years younger than me. But his body is warm and solid. It's something real to hold onto in the dark cold forest when my head is filled with nightmares. There is something that both feels right and unusual about it. Still, I curl up against his side, closing my eyes. In this quiet moment, I believe that I can both accept him as he is and forgive him, and I can only hope he can do the same for me.

  Everyone dozes after dinner. Jimmy stays up to keep the first watch while the rest of us curl up on the ground. Alex holds his daughter close, her small body held against his chest as he curls around her close to the fire. It doesn't take either of them very long to fall asleep.

  Kyrene gives a soft snore, and I know she's already asleep, possibly well trained in sleeping at odd hours in odd places.

  I want to go to sleep, and I could, but my mind is still active. I feel the cold dirt under me, my body still warm and tense from the day's events. When I shut my eyes, I still see the blood and though I think I've managed to forgive Jimmy, it isn't something I'm likely to forget anytime soon.

  So I feign sleep, hoping to slip into it easily and jealous of how quickly Alex, Odessa, and Kyrene have fallen. Jimmy sits by the fire, spreading it out slightly, letting it dim as it slowly dies off. The light from the fire is bright on his face. It doesn't seem to bother him.

  There's dark stubble on his chin and down his neck. His lips press together, and his eyes look half shut as he stares down towards the fire. He doesn't look happy. It seems like he should be. But he doesn't look it.

  I shut my eyes and try to force myself to sleep. It's been so long since I was at Henri's. It's been days in the forest, and we have days more to go again. I'll be glad when we get back to buildings, even if they are creepy, rusty, old buildings that are slowly crumbling apart.

  Someone stirs. I open my eyes and see Jimmy stand up from the fire. He walks towards the edge of the light, towards the trees. Half in shadow, he stops and looks back at us before walking into the forest.

  I hop up and walk towards the spot he stepped into not quite sure what I plan on doing once I get his attention. “Jimmy?”

  The light from the fire hardly filters through the thick trees, but I can see the shadow of him, his back to me. He pauses without a word.

  I'm still not quite sure what I wanted or what I think I'm doing, but the words spill out the way all the tears I held back should have back when I was safely alone in Henri's apartment.

  “I'm sorry. About the apartment. It made you mad-- not that I'm going to ask why, but I shouldn't have gone in. I didn't know. I mean, I know that's not a good excuse since I shouldn't have been in there in the first place anyway, but-- just--”

  “Paula.” He says it softly, yet sternly. “Can this wait a moment? I have to pee.”

  I bring my hand up to my mouth to stifle a nervous and very girly giggle. “Uh, sorry. Sure.”

  I turn and walk a few steps away from him. It seem strange and a little funny that a man I've watched kill in cold blood with his bare hands needs to ask for privacy to pee.

  After a few minutes, the leaves behind me rustle, and I turn to see Jimmy emerging from the woods. He stands next to me half in the shadow and half in the light, but he looks ahead at the others sleeping around the fire.

  “It's my fault you're here, you know.”

  I glance over at him, but he still doesn't look at me. He just crosses his arms and leans back against the tree. “What do you mean?”

  “It was my plan. Alex didn't want to use you, but the only other way would have been to fight our way in.”

  I roll my shoulders. “You mean that you didn't do that?”

  He lifts his brows ever so slightly. “It would have been worse. Most were innocents. His telepath could have turned everyone against us with a little bit of warning.”

  The telepath. It's so easy to forget about her, but she's an important key. “And that's why you couldn't just ask me.”

  “But he did.” Jimmy gives a dark smirk.

  “Would he have really let me go back?”

  “It doesn't matter. I wouldn't have let him let you go back.”

  I step back and lean against the other side of the tree. My fingers brush against the rough grooves of the old bark.

  “Brandon is going to be pissed.” Jimmy says though he smiles again as if he'd expect no less. “But if he doesn't step up and take his rank after this, I don't know what else I can do.”

  I kick at the dirt, my eyes growing increasingly heavy. I don't like the way he says it, but I know better than to interfere in the lives of the brothers by now. They're both going to do what they have to do for whatever reasons they're going to do it.

  Jimmy doesn't say anything, not even to tell me to go to bed. We stand next to each other. It's dark, but I'm not afraid. After what I've see it hard to be scared of imaginary monsters in the dark. Especially when I'm standing next to Jimmy. Not a monster, but a man just like any other man, who's lived a different life, one that I can't even begin to imagine.

  “Jimmy, will you tell me about Mary?”

  He looks down at me sharply then looks up at the fire. “You should get some rest. You must be exhausted.”

  I take the hint and give a nod. I take a step towards my little plot of dirt when he pushes up on the tree to stand up. He clears his throat, and I turn back without thinking.

  “Maybe later. Not now.”

  Another nod, then I go back to my spot. I catch a sliver of green from Alex's eyes, but I'm too tired to pay much attention. It's only when I'm on the ground, my buzzing brain slowly shutting down, that I think about it.

  Twenty-eight

  After a few uneventful days in the forest, we reach a large main road that leads right up to the Wildlands village. Relief washes over my achy muscles and I'm half ready to run up the road, but Jimmy puts a hand on my shoulder, a somber shadow over his face.

  The sun is just beginning to set. Jimmy doesn't stop us; he lets us keep walking though there is a very thoughtful look on his face that worries me. At first I don't ask, sure that he'll explain when he can. By the time the village is close, the sun quickly dipping down behind the hills in the distance, Jimmy still hasn't explained but a somberness falls over everyone else, even little Odessa who clings to her father.

  Just as I'm ready to ask what's going on, fearful that there is a danger on the road ahead of us, I see them. Two bodies half covered in shadows standing in front of the entrance. They seem to study us for a moment, and then they start walking towards us.

  Jimmy surprises me with a soft curse under his breath. “Shit. Keep him back,” he says to Kyrene. She gives a nod and puts a hand on Alex's shoulder. I catch only a glimpse of Alex's knotted brow before Jimmy grabs my arm and starts marching me forward towards the two large shadows coming towards us.

  “You're okay, right?”

  His hand is tight around my arm, and it makes me nervous. I try to pull away, but his grip is tight. He pulls me along with him in a way that's clear I have no choice in this one.

  “You're okay, right?” He says with a harsh shake to my arm. “And it was your decision.”

  I give a nod, my lips tight, my mouth dry, still remembering our conversation from days ago.

  The two shadows come into view, and I feel the lump forming in my throat at the sight of them. Henri and Brandon move towards us with large strides and matching looks of anger. The way both of their jaws are set, the gleam in their eyes, it makes me think of Killer, but I push that thought away. Neither of them are like Killer. Not even Henri with his army at his disposal.

  Brandon doesn't waste time asking questions. He scoops me up in a hug as Jimmy lets me go and walks past us to get to Henri. I catch a glimpse of Henri,
the air crackling around him like it's charged with his anger, and I hear him say, “What the hell, Jimmy?”

  I don't get a chance to say anything as the air is nearly squeezed out of me by Brandon's tight hug. In my head, I hold onto the memory of Alex asking me to go, telling me about his daughter, and my agreeing to go.

  “Are you okay?” Brandon pulls back, his blue eyes large and moist.

  “I'm fine.” I say it and try to sound convincing. My earlier energy at seeing the village has dissipated, and now I'd like nothing more than to have this done and to be asleep. In the back of my mind, I think about my bed at Henri's house, a warmth spreading through me like it's home.

  Just past Brandon, Jimmy stands in front of Henri without flinching. His arms are at his side, and Henri is leaning forward slightly as if he just might reach out for him. Brandon steps in front of me, blocking my view with his look of concern.

  “Really?”

  I swallow though my mouth is dry and it's mostly just air that bubbles in my stomach. “Yes. It wasn't Alex's fault.”

  Brandon looks away as Henri's voice, soft and harsh with barely controlled anger, reaches us.

  “I wanted to go.” I say, but Brandon still doesn't look at me. His blue eyes glint darkly in the setting sunlight, squinting off towards the forest. I hesitate before I add, “He got Killer. He said he did it for Mary.”

  That catches his attention. His eyes open a bit wider in surprise just as tentative footsteps crunch on the dirt behind him. Brandon turns as the guard from days ago, Stephan, walks up. He steps past Brandon, his eyes fall on me and a smile breaks out on his face.

  “You're all right! Thank goodness.”

  It's a little strange for him to just walk up to us considering the men who're standing around me at the moment. Kyrene and Alex still waits further back, but she waves at us, her eyes on me, I think. Behind me, I hear the rustling of Stephan's jacket as he waves back.

  “Why's Kyrene waiting all the way back there?”

  Stephan looks from Brandon to me. I scratch my head. “How do you know her name?”

  Brandon runs a hand through his hair. “Stephan is Kyrene's little brother. He was the one who sent word to us that you were here.”

  Stephan opens his mouth and then he shuts it again. He watches me with a soft look of pity before he says, “Kyrene told me to do it.” There isn't anything more to say, and when I don't speak, he clears his throat. “Well, you all have rooms at the inn. It's hard to say no to the Leader of the Southlands. Some of you will have to share though.”

  I don't care if I have to share a bed with someone. The thing I most want to do right now is go to sleep. Henri catches my eye. His chin is covered in dirty grey stubble and there are bags under his eyes. I'm not sure why he would care. He doesn't know me. And yet, there is something familiar about that look of his. It brings to mind a dream I had when I was in Henri's apartment. My mind struggles to grasp onto the details of it. The snapping of electricity, a chill in the air, me as a little girl held against a body, warm and unyielding, in large strong arms.

  Brandon puts a hand on my head and pulls me close again before we head off to the village together. I'm too tired to even ask about Alex, but I'm sure that Jimmy will keep him safe.

  I wake up in the middle of the night or as close to it as I can tell since there's no clock in the room. Kyrene sleeps soundly, her soft snoring coming from the bed next to mine. It takes a moment of lying there before I really come to and realize where I am.

  My muscles ache. I lift my leg and my body protests that move painfully. The room isn't completely dark. In the village, there are some street lamps lit with flickering fires that burn surprisingly bright. Their light manages to reach into the room enough that I can glance around. There is no one here. It's just me and Kyrene, and even if there was someone, I'm not worried about it. A scream and someone would be there. Kyrene would probably wake up ready for action with a knife pulled from her pillow.

  I sit up slowly, suddenly very awake and needing some fresh air to cool my muscles hot from all the walking these past few days. Stopping had sounded like a good idea to me, but it's not long enough. The best thing will be to get home and get rest.

  My teeth clamp down on the inside of my lip as I think it. Henri's place is home. It's natural like the ruts cut in the dirt road to the village by the wheels of trading vehicles and carts. I don't have anywhere else to go at the moment but Henri's. Even though so much has happened, I still don't know what I'm going to do. I'm in the same place I started.

  I hop up from the bed and leave on tip toe, shutting the door carefully behind me. There's a balcony near here; I saw it on the way in. The hall seems empty. I glance in up and down before I take off in the opposite direction from the stairs and get to the double doors at the end of the hall. A slight breeze seeps in through the crack between the two doors, urging me forward.

  The night air is fresh. On the balcony, there's one chair, and after I shut the door and check to be sure I can enter again, I have a seat. The wall around the balcony is too high and the chair is too low, so instead of getting a view of the village, the only view I have is of the stars in the sky.

  I close my eyes. The moist air, the bright stars, and the relative quiet of faraway sounds bring to mind a memory of my mother and me when I was little. My grandmother must have just passed because I remember thinking about her being up in the sky. One of my hands was in Mom's, the other held on tightly to a flashlight she said would keep monsters away. We stood on a hill behind our house, staring up into the sky. It was something we tried later on, when I was older, but there was always too much light as if the Neutral government feared the dark as much as I did.

  Automatically, my tears are swallowed, a painful little ball down my throat and to my stomach. I wipe at the last few and breathe slowly. Everything felt right up until I was in Killer's hands and Jimmy showed up. Since then everything has felt strange. Like I'm living someone else's life.

  The door opening startles me. Henri steps through with a stern glare, letting the door shut behind him.

  “You should be asleep.”

  My under eyelid are puffy, and as I give a nod I'm very aware of them. I blink a few times, but it doesn't make the swelling go down. I am tired, and I hope I won't pay in the morning, but I can't just go to sleep.

  “We're not carrying you.”

  I wouldn't ask him to anyway though Kyrene could probably do it and not break a sweat. “I'll walk. I just couldn't sleep.”

  “You should try laying still.” Henri crosses his arms. If he didn't look so serious, I might believe he was making a joke.

  My muscles burn as I stretch my leg out and let my feet touch the ground. Henri hasn't moved. He stands by the door as if waiting for me to walk past him. This feels like the first time he's ever really looked at me and not past me.

  There are things I want to ask him about my future and my mother, but instead I turn on him.

  “Is it true you were once Neutral?”

  He gives a start, his folded arms loosening ever so slightly before he pulls them tighter across his chest. “Who told you that?”

  I give a shrug though I remember the last person to tell me that very clearly. “I was told it was common knowledge.”

  Henri runs a hand through his hair and gives a sigh while looking away from me. “We weren't called Neutrals back then.” He shifts his weight before looking back at me with his bushy brows low over his small, narrowed eyes. “Cheryl hasn't told you any of this?”

  My heart gives a painful stab. “No. Uncle Wiley either.”

  He leans back against the door, eyeing me carefully. “Who did you think they had used for the experiments?”

  In my lap, I clasp my hands and stare down at the dirty broken finger nails. “School told us the labs were run by rogue companies that used people already out here.”

  Henri scoffs at that. There's a crispness in the night air that draws close to my skin, and I shrug it off
as best I can, not wanting to leave when Henri is speaking to me as a person for the first time. He looks over my head, out at the horizon. “Did that make it more acceptable than using your own?”

  My toes curl. His face has nothing more than innocent curiosity, and I can't look at it. I have to turn away and look back down at my feet. Henri takes the other chair near me, sitting in it with his legs spread apart and his large hands folded and dangling between his knees as he leans forward slightly.

  “They want to forget, and they want their people to forget. Your mother wanted to get to the truth.”

  My toes touch, one big toe over the other. “Then why didn't she tell me the truth? Wouldn't that have been the place to start?”

  Henri sits back, the old chair squeaking as he does. His hands rest open on his thighs as he takes in a breath and lets it out again as if trying to come up with something to say. “I don't know.”

  I put my head in my hands and breathe slowly, suddenly exasperated with all the lies and all the secrets and all the things people don't tell me out of some need to protect me. “I think I'll go to sleep now.”

  Henri doesn't move to stop me. I stand up and head for the door, certain that I'll stumble before I get there or that Henri will stop me.

  “Paula.” His voice is rough, and he says my name short and stern. It makes me pause. “Were you in the room when Jimmy--”

  He stops when I look up, blinking back a few tears at the memory of the carnage and the way Jimmy almost took out the younger telepath. That's what it takes to survive here-- a lack of hesitation and a willingness to do whatever is necessary.

  Henri lowers his eyes to the ground with a shake of his head, and I take that as my permission to go.

  Back in the room, I shove my face into the pillow and let it absorb my tears. These aren't horrible sobs, just quiet natural tears releasing the last of the pain from the memory. I won't forget it any time soon, and it's good that I won't. These are the sorts of things I need to know when I'm faced with someone from the Wildlands. They are nothing like the people I knew and grew up with.