Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs

by Bartlett, Gerry

  “Good night.” I climbed out of the limo, then Valdez hopped out, safely on his leash. Flashes let us know we were documented coming back. I wanted to show them my baggy pants, but decided it was too soon. Much better to wait for the red carpet for the big reveal. We headed for the front desk again, and the same clerk who was on duty.

  “You said you had trainers available.”

  “Yes, Ms. St. Clair.”

  “Is it possible to get one now? I want to work out.” I leaned forward again and lowered my voice. “To speed up the weight-loss process.”

  “Certainly. Let me check to see who’s available.” She picked up the phone and made a call. “You’re in luck. One of our best trainers will meet you in the gym in five minutes. You’ll need to change into workout clothes, of course. Would you like me to call back and make it ten?”

  “Uh, is the shopping arcade open? I didn’t bring anything like that with me.” Or own anything like that. Oh, I had some running shoes at home, designer ones that went with a cute outfit, but no serious workout clothes.

  “All our shops are available twenty-four hours a day. What you’re looking for is down the hall to the left. Have a nice night.” We were hardly a step away when she was on the phone.

  My supersharp hearing picked up on the fact that she was offering to split the take if the clerk in the shop would tell her what size I bought. It was almost enough to make me change my mind. But then I thought about the five pounds I’d already lost. I had to keep it off and keep going. Damn.

  I dragged into the shop and found a smiling clerk eager to assist me. Yeah, right. I grabbed the cheapest running shoes, though they were still outrageous to a woman who liked the clearance rack at a discount store. Then I tried on shorts. Size large was too loose! I almost leaped over the clothes rack and hugged the clerk. That would have been an interesting factoid for the tabloids. The medium was tight and rode up between my cheeks, but no way was I buying the large now that I’d squeezed my butt into a medium.

  I happily piled my medium shorts and large (not extra large!) top on the counter. I selected a pair of socks that, gulp, cost more than the purple purse I’d bought at an after-Christmas sale.

  “Do you have a sports bra, Ms. St. Clair? If you’re doing vigorous exercise, you really need one. You don’t want to break down the breast tissue. It can cause sagging later in life.” The clerk was happily clipping off tags.

  Valdez choked back a laugh. Later in life? I was only four hundred and change. But I humored her, grabbing my choices, then going back into the fitting room and shoving my breasts into a binding thing that really should come with a warning label. Sorry, but the only thing breaking down my breast tissue was this horribly tight spandex band pressing my boobs flat. I’d decided to go ahead and get dressed in the whole outfit since I was running late. When I came out, Valdez rolled his eyes.

  “Very cute, Ms. St. Clair. I’m sure Mr. Caine will love it.” The clerk sighed. “He is so amazing. I have every CD he ever made.” She pushed a sales slip to me. “Just sign here. It will all be charged to your room.”

  I glanced at the total and it was my turn to choke. I’d better look cute. I’d better look like a model for Miss Fitness America for that price. I didn’t bother pulling out my own credit card. But I was going to have to settle up with Ray sometime. This wasn’t fair to him, even if he was rolling in dough.

  “Thanks for your help. I’ll get someone to bring down an autographed advanced copy of Ray’s new CD for you.” I smiled, wishing I could ask for a discount. But that would be weird coming from Ray’s fiancée. And would be reported to the tabloids. I couldn’t start rumors that Ray was in financial trouble.

  “Oh, my gosh! That is so nice of you.” The woman had the grace to flush guiltily. Not that she wouldn’t still leak my sizes to the press. But, hey, a medium and a large. I was rocking and rolling.

  Valdez and I headed to the gym. As soon as we were alone, V stopped.

  “What’s wrong with you? You look funny.”

  I glanced down. “You’re not supposed to be noticing stuff like that. But I’ve got on a sports bra. It smashes me flat and hurts like hell.” I pulled at my shorts. “But as long as you’re looking, check it out—my shorts are a medium.”

  “Should have gone with the large,” he muttered.

  “No way.” I pulled open the gym door. “Hello? Anyone here?”

  “Ms. St. Clair, Bill Black, at your service.” The bronzed god flipped a switch, then stepped off a machine.

  “Uh, hi. Call me Glory.” I let go of Valdez’s leash and pointed to a corner. “Sit.”

  “I understand you want to work out. Have you been doing any regular exercise?”

  “Not really.” I laughed nervously. Bill was looking me over from head to toe, walking around me like he was trying to decide what part he should start on. I barely resisted the urge to tug down those creeping shorts.

  “Then we’ll start slowly. Stretches first.” He handed me a long lavender rubber band. “Put one end under your right foot and pull with your right hand. Straight out from your body. You won’t be able to go—”

  I’d pulled too hard and snapped the stupid thing. Bill’s eyes were saucers.

  “Oh, gosh, must be defective.” And I must be an idiot. I couldn’t use my vamp strength here. The point was to tone. How could I tone and not wreck the gym?

  He picked up the rubber band and examined it. “First time that’s ever happened. Well, reach up with both hands first. To the ceiling. Then bend over and see if you can touch your toes.”

  Sure. How about my knees? The bra was strangling me. I felt a warm hand on my back.

  “A little farther now. You’re not very flexible, are you?”

  I bit back a comment about how none of the men in my life had ever made that complaint. No way was I going to flirt with this guy. Even though he smelled like a very nice and healthy A positive. We were at my shins now and Bill apparently figured this was as low as I could go.

  “Now arch your back, like a cat doing a stretch. Roll your shoulders and then reach for the ceiling again.” He stepped back and watched me through a series of what he called warm-ups.

  Okay, I was warm. When were we going to work on my problem areas?

  “Uh, Bill, I really want to reduce my hips and butt and trim my waist and tummy. How about we work on those first?” I got the look again. At least he hadn’t whipped out a tape measure or tried to put me on the scale. I’d whammy him into submission before I let that happen.

  “All right. You’re the boss.” He smiled. “Come over here to this machine. Sit here and put your feet in these stirrups.” He adjusted my legs and I was soon in position like an astronaut ready for blastoff. “Now see if you can lift your legs. You should feel the burn on the back of your upper thighs.”

  I lifted. Nothing. Hell, I could no more not have vamp strength than I could be an astronaut.

  “Guess you’re stronger than you look, Glory. Kudos.” Bill smiled and punched in a button. “Adding weight. Try that.”

  Same thing. Poor Bill kept adding and I kept lifting. He started sweating, like maybe he was going to hyperventilate. Uh-oh. I knew that look. My vamp reality had just hit his mortal reality. Believe me, they don’t mix well. I looked into his eyes and put him to sleep.

  “He was about to freak out, wasn’t he?” Valdez trotted over to see what the machine said. “You were lifting about two hundred pounds with your legs, Glo. Way to go.”

  “Stupid, though. I can’t tone squat. How do you tighten muscles when you can’t use them?” I extricated myself from the machine. I hadn’t even broken a sweat. Poor Bill was wringing wet. “How do I get this machine back to a reasonable weight for a woman who never exercises?”

  Valdez told me what to do, then I suggested to Bill that he’d watched me struggle to do ten leg lifts. When I’d started whining, he’d called a halt. As soon as Valdez was back in the corner, I snapped Bill out of it.

  “Thanks, B
ill, I really couldn’t do another one of those.”

  “Well, it is your first night. Now lie down on this mat and we’ll work on your core.”

  “I have a core?” I looked down at my smashed boobs and tummy. Valdez was snorting again but I ignored him.

  “Yes, those are the muscles that support your whole body. Strengthen those and you’ll improve your posture, whittle your waist and flatten your stomach. Core strength is very important.” Bill said this like he was delivering the commandments from the mountaintop.

  “Fine, whatever.” I lay back and Bill put his hand on my stomach. It was still sore from all that throwing up earlier. I hoped whatever we did wouldn’t aggravate it. “What now?”

  “Now you crunch.”

  “I couldn’t. Really. Not even my favorite Cheetos.” I bat-ted my eyelashes. “I’m doing a liquid diet, Bill.” I saw him frown. “Under a doctor’s supervision, of course.”

  “Of course.” He nodded, then smiled, showing perfect white teeth. “A crunch is an exercise, Glory. Let me show you.” He got on the floor next to me, knees bent, chin tucked as he barely lifted his head and chest toward his really flat stomach.

  “Okay, I can do that.” Which I could. But it was harder and more painful than it looked. Which proved that vamp strength wasn’t everything. We went through several other torturous floor exercises designed to tone my butt, thighs and stomach. I only had to whammy Bill two more times. First when I accidentally tossed the hand weights across the room and Valdez laughed out loud. Then when I popped another set of rubber bands. I had to hide those in the trash.

  “We’ve done enough floor work for the first session. Maybe you can do a few more reps next time.” Finally Bill gestured to a treadmill. “Why don’t you jog for a while? You have jogged, haven’t you? You’ve got the right shoes for it.”

  “Oh, sure,” I lied, giving Valdez a look when he barked. Hey, I’d been in a few sprints lately, running for my life. Those had to count, right?

  “This will burn calories and speed your metabolism.” Bill helped me climb on the machine, then started fiddling with the settings. “Start walking, then we’ll gradually increase the speed and the incline if you can handle it.”

  “Okay.” Surely I couldn’t mess this up. I had vamp speed when I turned it on, but I could walk like a mortal. So I did, then I jogged. I was pathetically glad that I had on that vise of a sports bra. I didn’t jiggle and, to my surprise, I actually broke a sweat.

  Bill was beaming by the time he decided I’d had enough. “Time for cooldown.” He handed me a bottle of water and waited for me to drink. “You must stay hydrated, Glory. This is very important.”

  “Yeah, sure. Stay here and let me weigh first, Bill. I want to see how I’m doing. No peeking.” I carried the water bottle into the small room with the scales and shut the door. I fished an empty out of the trash and hid the full one inside, then stepped on board. Different clothes. Shoes, not barefoot. Skimpy shorts and tank, not jeans. All in all, maybe about the same. And . . . down five pounds. I leaned against the cool metal of the scale and just breathed. I hated working out. It seemed like a colossal waste of time. But if it kept this weight off . . .

  I jumped off the scale, threw the weights back to zero and emerged waving my empty water bottle. “Still losing. I am so pumped.”

  “Same time tomorrow? Or do you want to schedule something during the day?” Bill had pulled out a BlackBerry.

  “Same time. Days are with Ray—Israel Caine.” I grinned. “I hope this isn’t too hard on you, Bill. My weird schedule.”

  “No, not at all. I’m coaching a rock star. She’s also a night owl.” He looked at his watch. “In fact, I expect her any minute. Maybe you know her.” He spoke the name and my smile froze.

  Ray’s friend with benefits. Had they hooked up again while I’d been out at Ian’s? I wanted to hang around and sniff the skinny bitch for signs of Ray’s DNA. Which made me a jealous hag. I had no right. I had Jerry, who might be calling me right now. I’d turned off my cell when we’d been at the beach. I had to get a grip. And I also had to figure out when I was going to tell Jerry about my dealings with Ian. Crap.

  “Sure, it’s really a pretty small world in rock-star land.” I picked up Valdez’s leash and the bag with my clothes along with my purse. “I’d rather you didn’t tell her we worked out.” I looked down at myself. “I know I’m not in shape like she is.”

  “You did fine. Especially for someone who isn’t used to a regular routine.” Bill flashed his white, white smile. “See you tomorrow. Don’t worry. You can count on my discretion.”

  “Thanks.” I glanced down at my purse. Did I tip him? Pay him? No, I guess this was another item that would be billed to Ray’s room. Oh, well, I’d keep telling myself that Ray wanted to do this for me. He’d said so himself.

  Valdez and I got on the elevator and rode it up to the suite. No sign of Ray or Nathan. I did have a message from Jerry, though. He wanted to meet. I couldn’t avoid it any longer. I was going to have to tell him about my MacDonald connection. I called him back and we made plans to leave the hotel again. Valdez and I would do the disguise thing and exit via the Dumpster. Why not? I had a feeling my life was about to turn to garbage anyway.

  Eight

  I jumped in the shower and did my best to make myself irresistible. Not that it would do much good. Once Jerry heard the name MacDonald, how I looked wouldn’t matter. Valdez did his doggie-disguise thing, this time as a standard poodle just because it amused him to mix it up. We ventured outside via the back door. My own disguise was little more than a silk scarf over my hair and sunglasses again.

  Jerry met us on the other side of the Dumpster. “Valdez, you’re not very threatening in that look.”

  “Sorry, boss, but I’ve got all my skills with me. Don’t worry about that.” Valdez leaped over a puddle of melted chocolate ice cream. It looked like a kid’s party had been held in the hotel and the cleanup had been pretty sloppy. There were several cupcakes on the ground near the Dumpster and I saw Valdez look at them longingly. But he kept close beside me. We were both wired. We knew what was coming.

  “Where are we going, Jerry? A club? Your hotel?” Which would be better? A public place where he’d have to control his rage or privacy where I could try to distract him by doing all the things I’d learned he liked after so many years together?

  “How about a drive? We can take the convertible and drive along the Pacific Coast Highway. You said the coast was beautiful. We’ll leave Valdez here.” He gave Valdez a wave. “I can handle Gloriana’s security on my own. Enjoy the night off.”

  “Thanks, boss, but maybe I should tag along. Glory—” Valdez snapped his mouth shut at a look from Jerry.

  “Jerry, he’s only doing his job. Quit looking at him like that.” I smiled at V and sent him a mental message. I would be okay. Jerry would never hurt me. And I was surely better off without an audience anyway. “Get some sleep, Rafe. You’ve been on duty way too many nights without a lot of rest during the day. I know the suite’s busy with Nathan in and out and the rest of the band looking for Ray at all hours.”

  “True enough. It’s hell keeping everyone away from your bedroom. Nate’s not a problem, but the band is. Those guys usually come by in the late afternoon ready to start the party or wanting to jam.” Valdez shrugged one furry gray shoulder. “Yeah, I could use some sleep. Maybe I’ll find a real bed and stretch out.”

  “You do that. Shift, enjoy a shower, do whatever you want. I’ll bring her back right before dawn. Until then, you’re on your own.” Jerry put his hand at my waist and steered me toward the street.

  “That was nice of you, Jerry.” I smiled at him. “Rafe needs some real time off.”

  “I get that.” Jerry pulled me closer, then stopped. “Hey, you have been losing weight!” He held me away from him.

  I’d put on a black miniskirt and cardigan sweater, but I’d worn a red satin camisole under it and tucked it in. Tucking in is not a
Glory thing. But the waistband on the skirt had actually been a little loose and I hadn’t been able to resist. Now Jerry slipped the cardigan off my shoulders and looked me over, even turned me around.

  “Look at you. Sexy and shrinking right before my eyes. I can’t believe that vampire managed to do this for you.” Jerry toyed with the cami strap, his eyes dark and making promises.

  “She worked at it too, boss. You wouldn’t believe it, but Glory exercised.” Valdez still lingered in the alley.

  “Exercised.” Jerry grinned. “I’d like to have seen that.”

  “No, you wouldn’t. She’s not exactly Olympic material.” Valdez coughed and backed up a few steps. “Oh, yeah, leaving now. No, I’m gone. See you much, much later, Glory. Good luck.” He turned tail and disappeared into the open back door of the hotel.

  “Luck? Why do you need luck, Gloriana?” Jerry replaced the sweater on my shoulders and took my hand to lead me to his car. He helped me into the passenger seat with as much care as if I’d been a princess. Jerry always made me feel special.

  “No reason. It was just a saying.” I watched Jerry settle behind the wheel. “You sure you know how to get where we’re going?”

  “I have a portable GPS. This car is vintage, so I stopped and bought one. The salesman helped me program the thing to take us on a scenic drive. We’ll end up at a place where we can have privacy and a beautiful view of the Pacific.” He turned to me and smiled. “How does that sound?”

  “Perfect.” I relaxed as he started the car. Might as well. The drive would give me time to figure out exactly what I could say to keep Jerry from heading straight out to Ian’s with a broadsword. Because, knowing my beloved, he’d packed one. The perks of chartering your own jet when you’re traveling cross-country. I tied my scarf tight so the wind wouldn’t whip my hair around my head as Jerry followed the voice on the GPS to the Pacific Coast Highway.