Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs

by Bartlett, Gerry

  “Rather not.” I snatched my hand away. Ian was a scientist. And I knew he was only trying to help vamps realize a dream. But it was all about the money. He wasn’t exactly handing out daylight to the average working vamp, was he? And the diet thing had a high price too. I didn’t want to become one of his lab rats. Next thing you knew I’d be calling him “master” and making house calls. No thanks.

  “Your decision, of course. But if you change your mind . . .” He looked out toward the deck. “I think we’ve got company. I’ve been expecting this. Your boyfriend and his family have arrived, Glory.”

  “Ray is my boyfriend.” I slid my arm around his waist. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I’d really hoped I’d talked Jerry into stalling his father, maybe even getting him to head back to Scotland.

  “I’m not a fool. I’ve known since the first night that you and Jeremiah Campbell are together.” Ian smiled. “Surprised you share the same woman, Ray.” He shrugged. “But obviously Glory is something special.”

  Ray and Valdez both made ominous sounds.

  “I think that was a compliment, guys. To me anyway. Please don’t start something.” I looked out the glass toward the beach. Hell, there was an army. No, make that two armies facing each other. One looked like the guys were ready for a remake of Beach Blanket Bingo. The other? The warrior gang from 300. What woman wouldn’t be happy to share a towel or a plaid with any one of the buff hunks doing the stare-down out there? “I think Ian’s already got his hands full.”

  “Nothing I can’t handle. But looks like the fangs are about to start ripping and tearing.” Ian was surprisingly calm considering he was the prize in this blood war.

  “Ian, do something. They’ll kill each other.” I stepped out of his reach when I realized I would make an excellent hostage in a negotiation. The laird might not care, but Jerry would feel obligated to take me into account.

  “That would be entertaining.” Ian glanced at Ray. He knew Ray wasn’t going to harm him. Ray was all about the formulas. No Ian, no daylight. In a fight, I had no doubt where Ray would line up.

  “Rafe, back off.” Because Valdez looked ready to take on Ian. Not a good idea. When it came to vampire against shifter? I’d always assumed vamps would come out the winner and that’s what Jerry claimed. I really didn’t want to see that tested.

  “Shall we join the party?” Ian nodded toward the terrace. “There seems to be a standoff and the laird is calling for me. I’d hate to disappoint him.”

  I looked around for something to use as a weapon. I’d like to threaten Ian and make him avoid a showdown. Didn’t he have a tunnel or some way he could disappear and avoid what was sure to be a bloodbath? But I’d told Jerry that Ian didn’t display stakes and it was the truth. He didn’t have so much as a toothpick lying around that could be used against him. Even the fire in the fireplace was done with fake logs. I did manage to slip a small Murano glass sculpture into the folds of my skirts. The dolphin’s snout wasn’t much of a weapon, but it might slow somebody down for a moment or two.

  “Maybe you should fly out the back, Ian. Set up shop somewhere else.” Ray slipped his bottle into his pocket. “I don’t know how tough your guys are, but those Highlanders look like mean sons of bitches.”

  “Of course they are, Ray. ’Tis my heritage too.” Ian smiled, showing impressive fangs. “We pride ourselves on being mean sons of bitches.” He cocked his head toward the beach. “Angus has a way with words. He’s describing my mother’s character now. Thinks that will bring me to the sand.” He shook his head.

  “Won’t it?” I knew how these Scots were about the women in their families. I wasn’t even technically part of Jerry’s and look what he’d done for me. I heard a particularly ugly word shouted down below and winced. Now Ian was bound to charge down those stairs.

  “Relax, Glory. You look worried about your Campbell lover.” He smiled at Ray. “Or friend or whatever. Angus is wasting his breath. My mum is a slut. I quit defending her so-called honor centuries ago.” He winked. “Ray, you’d love my baby sister LeeAnn. She’s a fiery redhead. God knows who her father is. Da sure doesn’t.” He laughed bitterly. “You see why I can’t concern myself with matters of clan loyalty? It’s a joke.”

  He held up a hand. “Now, that was a low blow. There was never a MacDonald man who didn’t have a cock less than . . .” Ian grinned at me. “Sorry you and I never hooked up, Glory. You could see what I mean.” He nodded. “I’ve heard enough of Campbell’s rants. I’m going out. Are you coming with me?”

  “Wait.” I stared at him. I’d known too many proud Highlanders and there was something off here. “Cut the crap, Ian. I’m not buying this ‘I don’t care about the feud’ line. How do you really feel about it?” I gripped his arm and took a chance. I stared directly into his eyes.

  “You sure you want to know?” He covered my hand with his and I felt Ray and Rafe move closer. I gestured them back with my other hand.

  “Yes.” I didn’t blink. “Men have died on both sides, haven’t they? Don’t you want it to end?”

  “Hell yes! I hate this. I’ve lost two brothers to it. More cousins than I can count.” He still didn’t look away. “The lairds are stubborn bastards and immortal, damn them. They won’t quit. It’s endless and mindless. So I left.” He ran his hand through his hair, a gesture very like Jerry’s when he was upset. “Yet here they are. Bloody hell. Why won’t they leave me be?”

  I looked into his mind and saw the truth, amazed that Ian let me see it. So much pain. There’d been a child lost too, but he wouldn’t speak of it. I nodded.

  “All right. Let’s see if we can fix this.” I turned and walked boldly out to the terrace at Ian’s side. I had an idea and gripped the small bottle in one of my fists, the dolphin still hidden in the other.

  Angus stopped raving as soon as he saw our group step to the edge of the terrace. Jerry stood next to him. No sign of Mag, but that didn’t surprise me. Angus would have ordered her to stay behind. War was man’s work in his universe.

  “MacDonald. Come down here and fight me like a man.” Angus stepped away from the pack and glared up at Ian.

  “Why?” Ian leaned against the railing. “I have no quarrel with you, Campbell.”

  “You’re the son of a whore. I spit on the name MacDonald.” Angus spit in the sand and stomped the spot for good measure.

  Ian laughed. Angus charged then, headed straight for the stairs. Jerry jumped in front of his father, but was knocked flat by a swing of a beefy fist. The surfers moved into action, but stopped at a word from Ian.

  “Let him come.” Ian jumped to the top of the stairs. “Have at me, Campbell. I can take whatever you think you’ve got. But this will solve nothing.”

  “No!” I leaped in front of Ian, my red dress flowing around me like a bloodred cape. I barely made it before Angus bellowed and stopped right in front of me.

  “Out of the way, Gloriana!” Angus’s face was red and his fangs looked huge. Fortunately, he was just enough of a gentleman to hesitate using his fist on me.

  “No! Listen to me.” I could see Jerry behind his father, poised to grab his shoulders and try to jerk him back down the stairs. “Leave him for a moment, Jerry. Just listen, Angus.”

  “Why the hell should I? I’ve got a coffin all ready. I’m taking the MacDonald heir back to Scotland. We’ll see what his father thinks when we send word we’ve got his boy set to stake.” Angus laughed. “Finally, we’ll have this settled in our favor.”

  “Don’t be daft. Next it’ll be one of your bairns ’napped and staked and then you’ll have to retaliate. Hasn’t that been the way of it for centuries?” Ian shook his head. “You and my father are fools, stuck in a time when action substituted for brains.”

  “I don’t have to listen to this.” Angus reached for me.

  “Touch her and I won’t hesitate to hurt you, Da.” Jerry had his hands on his father’s neck.

  “You won’t have to. I’m taking care of a
ny one of you who lays a hand on the lady.” Valdez had ripped a leg off a table and held the jagged piece of wood in his hand as he leaped into position next to me. “Now, listen to what she has to say or die.”

  “Shit, Valdez, way to go.” Ray shouldered past Ian to flank my other side. “You heard the man. Let her say her piece.”

  I took a shaky breath and prayed this would work. “Okay, now listen. I have a bottle of Ian’s daylight formula here.” I held it up. “Angus, you’d like to see the sun, wouldn’t you?”

  “I don’t believe in that nonsense.” Angus didn’t take his eyes off the makeshift stake in Rafe’s hands.

  “Believe it. I told you. It works. Want to see the sun again?” I waved it under his nose. “You could try it this very day.”

  “And trust a MacDonald? I’d have to be mad.” He finally glanced at me.

  “He sold the bottle to me, Angus. Had no idea a Campbell might taste it. It’s safe. You could see the sun rise.” I reached out and brushed his cheek, so much like his son’s, with the back of my fist. I looked past him and gazed into Jerry’s dark eyes. “It’s beautiful, Angus. The break of day. Can you remember it? The cool quiet as the earth turns and the sun begins to peek above the horizon?”

  Angus cleared his throat. “It’s been too long, lass. Ye ken I’ve not seen it in centuries. And even then I was apt to play all night and sleep well into the day.”

  “So this would be a new and wondrous experience.” I grabbed his hand, jabbing it with the dolphin before tossing it impatiently aside to press the bottle into it. “Just imagine, Angus. Ian can make that happen. Is working on making it possible for vampires to actually walk in the sun without burning.”

  “True. It’s still a work in progress.” Ian nodded. “Right now all I can promise is a view of the day from safely inside, where the sun’s rays can’t harm you.”

  “What’s to keep us from taking your formula, making this stuff ourselves and then staking you anyway?” Angus clutched the bottle and stared at Ian like he was primed to do just that.

  “I have my formulas right up here.” Ian pointed to his head. “Nowhere else. I die and all my work goes with me. Do you really want to lose that opportunity, Campbell?”

  “Not sure I believe it anyway. But can’t deny the MacDs are a wily bunch or we would have finished this feud in our favor centuries ago.” Angus looked down at the bottle again, then at Jerry. “You trust what Gloriana says? Enough to take this potion with her?”

  Jerry narrowed his eyes on Ian. “Gloriana’s word I don’t doubt for a second. But Ian’s swill? Glory, it did strange things to you. Remember?”

  “Jerry, please. This is different. I know you must be as sick of this feud as Ian is. Prove to your father that this works and maybe . . .” I wondered if I was wasting my breath, but Angus still stared down at the bottle in his hand. Maybe not.

  “The secret to seeing daylight. Mag and I talked of this after Gloriana told us what happened to her. I agree a businessman is unlikely to poison a paying customer. Is there another untainted bottle handy, lass? One this MacDonald intended to sell ye?” Angus thrust his bottle into Jerry’s hand.

  I turned to Ray. “Give me your bottle, Ray. I’m sure Ian will give you another one.”

  “Of course.” Ian smiled. “And, Campbell, I guarantee you and your son will be back with your checkbooks once you’ve proof for yourself that the potion works. Of course I take all major credit cards. Price list is on my Web site.”

  “Web sites. Credit cards. Seems the MacDonalds have gone soft in the new century.” Angus toyed with the handle of a dagger stuck in his belt. “Jeremiah, you don’t have to do this. We can still finish things here and now.”

  Two of Ian’s guards, who’d been in the shadows, suddenly moved in behind Ian. They looked ready to leap into action. I wondered if this was all about to go to hell in a hurry.

  “Soft?” Ian laughed and gestured. More guards appeared on the roof. “You’re outnumbered two to one. But I’ll not take anything for granted. I know Highlanders.”

  Angus never blinked. “Aye. That you should.”

  “No, Da. I’ll go with Gloriana and try the drug. If I see daylight, then we’ll know this MacDonald is worth more alive than dead.” Jerry held out his hand to me. “Is that what you wish, Gloriana?”

  “If it will keep you all from killing each other.” I glanced at Ray, then stepped toward Jerry. “Rafe’s coming too.”

  Angus frowned. “All right, MacDonald. But if this doesn’t work, you know I’ll be back. And I’ll no waste time blatherin’ either.”

  “I make no claim I can’t back up with facts.” Ian stuck his hands in his pockets and smiled.

  Angus swept his clansmen with a stare. “I have said how it will be. MacDonald, your men will not follow them. Agreed?”

  “Agreed. Jeremiah, enjoy the sunrise. Glory, sorry you’ll have to endure with a Campbell for company.” Ian lost his smile and waved his men off until they moved enough to give the Campbells room to retreat.

  “Glory, you don’t have to do this.” Ray held my arm.

  “Caine’s right. You don’t owe the Campbells this.” Rafe glared at Angus. “Glory shouldn’t be dragged into the middle of your damned feud.”

  “I put myself here. And I may not owe the Campbells anything, but I don’t want anyone to get hurt if it can be avoided. Are you with me, Rafe?” The fact that I was surrounded by a Campbell army had obviously freaked out both Ray and Rafe. “Ray, I’ll be okay. You say you believe in this daylight drug. So believe that. You know Jerry has never hurt me.”

  “Maybe not, but I don’t know that about his father.” Ray acted like he wanted to follow us down to the sand.

  “Stay where you are, Caine. I can take care of Gloriana.” Jerry held on to my hand, his stern face still in warrior mode and not giving me much reassurance that I wasn’t about to be in the middle of a vamp tug-of-war. “My father would never harm her. Rafe, are you coming or not?”

  “I’m with Glory all the way.” Rafe kept his makeshift stake firmly in hand, sticking close behind me.

  “Very well.” Angus raked the group, both camps, with another hard stare. “We’ll stay here to be sure you’re not followed. Jeremiah, you know where to go. I’ll meet you back at the hotel right after sunset.”

  “Ray, I’ll see you back at our hotel then too.” I saw that his face was beyond grim. “I’ll be okay. Jerry, let me go.” I looked down until he dropped my hand, then I moved closer to Ray.

  “Be careful, Glory.” Ray pulled me to him for a quick kiss.

  “No problem.” I eased back and took his bottle of daylight drug, handing it to Jerry. He stuck both bottles into his sporran. Jerry started to say something, then just firmed his lips. I stared at him, looking my fill. At least the clan hadn’t broken out the bagpipes, but they looked mighty fine in their plaids. My heart twisted and I wished . . . I started to brush past him, but he grabbed my arm.

  “Gloriana, thank you for this.”

  “Glad to help.” I smoothed my skirt. No comment on my dress?

  “You look beautiful tonight.” Jerry had obviously read my thoughts. Which made the compliment too late and not worth a damn.

  “Thank you.” I headed down the stairs behind Angus, Rafe at my back.

  “Stay close to Jeremiah. He’ll show you where to go.” Once we hit the sand, Angus stepped aside and clasped Jerry’s hand. “Godspeed, son.” Jerry nodded, then shifted into bat form and flew inland.

  Rafe and I shifted and followed him. It soon became obvious that Jerry was taking no chances that anyone might have decided to pursue us. He led us on a long and winding tour of the coast before we landed on the deck of a beach house not very far from Ian’s place. Jerry used a key he pulled from his sporran, then punched in a security code.

  “Another of Chip’s properties?” I shook out my skirt as I stepped inside the well-furnished living room.

  “Yes. The man is heavily invested in real est
ate. Da’s men scouted the area around MacDonald’s home, then I arranged to rent this place for a week so we’d have somewhere to bring the wounded after the battle.” Jerry sighed. “Thank God it hasn’t come to that. Yet.”

  “I hope it never does.” I could feel the dawn coming and saw Jerry yawn. “Ready to try Ian’s daylight drug?”

  “You sure it’s not poison, Glory? I haven’t forgotten how some of MacDonald’s brew tainted your blood.”

  “Only for a short time. And that was his weight-loss stuff. This is totally different. Remember, I’ve seen the dawn since then. And awakened before sunset. As far as I know, vamps can’t be poisoned. Why would I lie about that, Jerry?” I smiled. “Seeing a sunrise is a miracle that I hope we can share together.”

  “Valdez, I guess you’re the one who will have to go tell my parents if Glory and I both expire after we drink this. I don’t envy you the task.” Jerry dug the bottles out of his sporran and held them up to the lightening sky. We’d stepped outside and stood on a deck overlooking the Pacific. It was a beautiful, quiet night, with waves coming ashore just yards away on a sandy beach.

  “Then you’d better both live through this, because you don’t pay me enough to face Mag Campbell with that kind of news. Come in here, both of you, before the sun catches you.” Rafe went into the large house and shut the French doors after we were safely inside.

  “She’d be thrilled if I finally went up in smoke.” I took my bottle and twisted off the cap. It smelled different from the other drugs I’d had from Ian. Still fruity but very subtle. I watched Jerry sniff it suspiciously.

  “Ignore her, Glory. I’ll tell you why Ma’s like that with you if we stay awake long enough.” Jerry finally looked up. “Guess we’d better drink.” It was perilously close to dawn, and I’m sure he felt the heaviness of it as much as I did. “To miracles.” He held his bottle out toward mine.

  I saw all kinds of hidden meanings in his eyes but was too tired to figure them out right then.