Looking Glass Girl

by Cathy Cassidy

  Erin frowns. ‘What if … what if she … well, doesn’t pull through?’

  ‘Shut up!’ Savvy snaps, slamming her mug down on the table. ‘She won’t die! She can’t! Don’t even say that!’

  The girls are silent, eyeing Savvy warily. She doesn’t lose her cool often, but today she is visibly shaken. The shiny, smiley mask has slipped; her eyeliner and mascara have smudged, giving her panda eyes, but nobody dares mention it.

  ‘Oh God,’ Savvy wails. ‘I am in so much trouble. Mum and Dad are furious. I am grounded for a month, except that they can’t actually enforce it because they’re at work and it’s the Easter holidays. But still, it’s bad. And they are raging at Carina, which means she is raging at me. It’s all so, so unfair!’

  ‘It’s a nightmare,’ Yaz agrees.

  ‘You were only trying to be nice,’ Lainey tells Savvy. ‘You just wanted to include Alice; you weren’t to know what would happen.’

  ‘I wasn’t to know?’ Savvy echoes. ‘Lainey, there were four of us involved. Don’t try to lay all the blame at my door! You were the one who took it too far. I told you that was out of order! Don’t kid yourself – we’re all in this together.’

  Lainey shifts, uncomfortable. ‘Well, obviously,’ she says. ‘And I know I got things a little bit wrong, but I didn’t mean Alice any harm. Nobody did! All I meant was … well, it was your idea.’

  ‘I knew it!’ Savvy howls. ‘You do blame me! Carina blames me, my parents blame me. I bet Alice’s parents blame me, too. The thing is, Lainey, yes, it was my idea to invite Alice over. Yes, it was my idea for us to dress up. Yes, it was even my idea to liven things up a bit, but not everything was my idea, OK? Not everything!’

  Erin puts a hand on Savvy’s arm. ‘Nobody’s saying it was your fault,’ she says softly. ‘It was an accident! Just a stupid accident! Nobody was to blame!’

  The four girls look at each other, then away again. Lainey starts chewing her nails, Erin fiddles with her iPhone, Yaz drops a sugar lump into her hot chocolate and stirs it noisily.

  Savvy’s eyes brim with tears and she wipes them away savagely with the back of a hand, adding to the panda effect.

  ‘If nobody was to blame, how come we lied to the police?’ she asks.

  Nobody can even begin to answer that.

  12

  Alice

  ‘Alice, it’s me, Nate. Mum says you’re sleeping because you hurt your head and you need time to heal. She says that you can hear me, and if you can I think you should probably wake up now, because everything has been rubbish since you hurt your head. Dad is moody all the time and Mum keeps crying, and I have to stay at Gran’s and she won’t let me play on my Xbox. So I’m just saying, wake up, Alice, because it’s a rubbish Easter holiday without you.’

  I have hardly stepped into the trees when I see the Lory, bedraggled and forlorn, perched on a rock.

  ‘It’s all your fault,’ the Lory says. ‘You’ve ruined everything!’

  ‘What have I done?’ I ask, and the Lory sighs and shudders, ruffling its dripping feathers.

  ‘Why, you fell, of course!’ it says. ‘You fell into this dream, and now nothing is quite what it used to be!’

  ‘I don’t think it can have been my fault,’ I argue. ‘I think you’re wrong! I should know, after all!’

  ‘Not at all,’ the Lory says, sulkily. ‘I am older than you and should know better.’

  When I asked the Lory how old it was, it just stared at me with disgust. ‘Don’t you know?’ it asked. ‘Don’t you know anything?’

  And I realized that I didn’t. Not anything at all …

  March

  I told myself that I could always change my mind about the sleepover. I didn’t have to go; didn’t have to risk being laughed at, picked on, ridiculed. I could just say no. Deep down, though, I knew I was going to go; a tiny part of me wanted to believe that Savvy really did like me.

  If I could do the right things, say the right things, perhaps Savvy, Erin, Lainey and Yaz would see that I wasn’t a bad person, a sad person or a loser. I wouldn’t have to sit on my own in class, hide in the library at breaktime, paint scenery in the drama block at lunchtime. Perhaps I could change things, if I really, really tried.

  What did I have to lose?

  I found a blue dress in the costume cupboard in the drama block and borrowed a net petticoat so I could make it stick out. I still had the little white apron and the hooped tights from when I played Alice in Year Six.

  ‘Whose sleepover did you say it was?’ Mum wanted to know. ‘Savannah’s?’

  ‘She’s really nice,’ I said. ‘It’ll be fun …’

  I didn’t know if either of those things were true.

  ‘It’s nice to see you making new friends,’ Mum said. ‘I know it hasn’t been easy for you –’

  ‘I’m fine, Mum,’ I lied. ‘I’ve told you. I have plenty of friends at school.’

  Mum sighed. ‘I know, I’m sure. It’s just that I’ve always felt Elaine and Yaz treated you badly. Of course, friends do drift apart sometimes, but those girls were terribly jealous of you.’

  ‘Mum,’ I interrupted. ‘Elaine and Yaz will be at the sleepover too. They’re friends with Savvy.’

  Mum’s forehead creased with anxiety. ‘I see. So, this sleepover, Alice. Is it about trying to patch things up with Elaine and Yaz?’

  I knew Mum was worried, and I knew she had good reason to be, but the questions bugged me. Mum had no idea how hard things were for me at school; how badly I needed a friend.

  She didn’t know how it felt to be alone, watching your ex-best friends have fun without you. She didn’t know what it was like to stay in the shadows, wishing you had the courage to step into the light. Yes, I wanted Yaz and Lainey back. Was that so wrong?

  I didn’t care that they’d treated me like dirt; I was willing to forgive. I could picture a scene where we all said sorry, where past hurts were packed away and never spoken of again. Maybe Savvy would be the peacemaker, realizing at last that I wasn’t just a victim but a potential friend? But even if that didn’t happen, I had got to the point where I didn’t think I’d care if I was the bottom of the pile in Savvy’s little gang – I just wanted to be on the inside, not the outside.

  It sounds pretty desperate, put like that, but I was exactly that; pretty desperate.

  ‘I don’t think I’d be happy about you being friends with Yaz and Elaine again,’ Mum said, gently. ‘Once people know they can get away with treating you like a doormat, they tend to keep on doing it. Be careful.’

  ‘I’ll be careful, Mum,’ I said, annoyed. ‘Whatever.’

  ‘I’m just worried, Alice,’ she said. ‘I’m thinking of you.’

  ‘Look, it’s not about getting Yaz and Lainey back,’ I lied. ‘They’ll be there, but that’s no big deal. It’s Savvy and Erin I want to be friends with.’

  Mum nodded and smiled, but I’m not sure she believed me.

  ‘I like Savvy,’ I said in the end, and it was true, because even though I knew she was a spoilt, selfish diva, I couldn’t help but be charmed. Call me shallow, but I wanted to be a part of her world.

  I loved the idea of a sleepover where you dressed up; it seemed creative, cool and quirky. It seemed like Wonderland to a girl like me.

  13

  Carrow Park, Ardenley

  Lainey is sitting on a park bench; she is balancing on the backrest with her feet on the seat, drinking a Coke and huddling into her jacket. Yaz is lying back on the bench, staring up at the starless sky. The March days are cold and crisp and bright, but the nights are downright arctic.

  Yaz thinks that if she has to stay on this bench for much longer she might just freeze to death and be found there in the morning, frozen solid, her hair and eyelashes dusted with icing sugar frost.

  ‘Savvy’s losing it,’ Lainey says, taking a swig of Coke and handing the can down to Yaz. ‘She’s cracking up. If we’re not careful, she’ll blab something to her parents and then we’ll all be in
trouble. Or, worse, she’ll try to blame it all on me; she’s thinking that way, I know she is!’

  ‘No way,’ Yaz says, reassuring. ‘Maybe you lost your temper with Alice a little bit, but …’

  ‘Seriously, Yaz, you too?’ Lainey growls. ‘Look, OK, I was upset with her, but I didn’t want her to fall. It wasn’t my fault!’

  ‘Of course it wasn’t!’ Yaz agrees. ‘I know that, and Savvy knows that. We all do. If anything, Savvy feels responsible. The sleepover was at her house, and it was her idea to invite Alice.’

  ‘Great idea that turned out to be,’ Lainey says.

  ‘Savvy wasn’t to know what would happen,’ Yaz points out. ‘Nobody could have known.’

  Lainey drains the last of the Coke and scrunches the can up before throwing it through the air; it misses the bin and clatters away into the darkness.

  ‘Let’s be honest,’ Lainey says. ‘What we did to Alice was mean. Some people might say it was bullying. I might have said some things I shouldn’t have …’

  Yaz stands up abruptly, tugging down the sleeves of her coat, fishing in her pocket for chewing gum. ‘It’s pointless going over all that,’ she says. ‘You were upset. We’ll stick together and nobody needs to know exactly what happened …’

  ‘Unless Savvy blabs,’ the other girl scowls.

  ‘She won’t,’ Yaz says. ‘It was an accident, like I said. Maybe we haven’t always been as nice as we could have been to Alice, but she never seemed to get the message, did she? Always looking at us with those sad eyes, moping around by herself, trying to make us feel guilty. The thing is, not all friendships are forever. Alice couldn’t seem to see that.’

  ‘She sort of asked for it,’ Lainey admits. ‘Hanging around us, trying to find things to chat about, like the last two years just didn’t even happen …’

  ‘Why did we fall out?’ Yaz asks, frowning. ‘I can’t even remember. It was something to do with her being in the play, right? It was all she could talk about for a while. And then she got picked for that summer drama school …’

  Lainey jumps down from the bench and the two girls begin walking towards the park gates, heading for the bus stop.

  ‘Alice was a pain,’ Lainey says. ‘Back then, anyway. She always had to be the centre of attention. She thought she was better than us.’

  ‘Maybe we were just jealous,’ Yaz suggests. ‘I know I was pretty insecure back then. I remember feeling hurt that Alice got picked for the play, and then picked again for the summer school. I felt like she was rubbing my face in it.’

  ‘I wasn’t jealous,’ Lainey says. ‘I just never understood what people saw in Alice Beech. She was so … mousey. Dull. I think we just grew out of being friends. We moved on, she didn’t. It happens.’

  The girls arrive at the bus stop and huddle together in a pool of light from the street lamp, waiting.

  ‘It’s a mess,’ Lainey says. ‘I wish Savvy hadn’t asked her to the sleepover.’

  Yaz sighs. ‘Me too. It wasn’t our best idea. We used her, and it backfired on us big time. It was just supposed to be a bit of fun. Alice totally overreacted. If she hadn’t got so upset, the accident would never have happened.’

  ‘It wasn’t our fault,’ Lainey repeats, as if saying this often enough will make it true. ‘We just have to keep our cool, stick to our stories. And Savvy needs to chill and get a grip.’

  14

  Alice

  ‘Alice, this is Gran. I’ve come to sit with you for a little while because your mum’s popped home to have a sleep and a shower. I know you’re sleeping, chick, and that’s great, but we are all so worried about you so please don’t sleep too long. When I go home I’m going to do some baking, Alice. Jam tarts. D’you remember when we used to make them together, when you were very little? I’d make the pastry and you’d roll it out and cut the circles. And you’d spoon in the jam, just the right amount – and eat a few sneaky spoonfuls straight from the jar, when you thought I wasn’t looking. Yes, I’ll make jam tarts and bring them in tomorrow …’

  A dishevelled figure is running wildly towards me out of the trees; the White Queen, her arms stretched wide as if she were flying, her hair falling down and her shawl trailing behind her. She comes to a halt in front of me, bewildered.

  ‘Everything is coming undone,’ she says. ‘That’s the effect of living backwards, you see. It can be very confusing!’

  ‘Living backwards?’ I question, wrapping the shawl around her and fixing her tangled hair back into place. ‘I never heard of such a thing!’

  ‘There’s one advantage,’ she tells me. ‘Your memory works both ways.’

  ‘I’m not sure my memory works at all,’ I confess.

  ‘Of course it does,’ the Queen declares. ‘Do you recall having jam yesterday?’

  ‘No,’ I admit.

  ‘Well, what about jam tomorrow?’

  ‘That’s nonsense,’ I protest. ‘How can I remember something that hasn’t happened yet?’

  The White Queen shakes her head. ‘You’re going to have to, Alice,’ she says. ‘You’re going to have to remember everything, if you want to get out of here …’

  Last Friday

  At the last moment, I almost lost my nerve.

  All week I had studied Savvy, like she was an especially challenging subject I needed to learn inside out for an exam. She was amazing. She looked flawless – like her skin had been airbrushed, her eyeliner painted on so perfectly that not even the strictest teacher thought to tell her to wipe it off. Her caramel-coloured hair was glossy and thick, like something from a shampoo advert, and she was the only girl at St Elizabeth’s who could make knee-high socks and a pleated skirt look cool.

  She broke the rules, but only in small ways. A French manicure, the faintest whiff of vanilla perfume, lace-up black boots with a little Louis heel; Savvy was such a perfect pupil that she got away with it all. She always came top in French – rumour had it her uncle had a house in Provence which they visited every summer – and she was effortlessly good at English, geography and music. She played the piano at grade four level and regularly represented the school at athletics; she’d won a silver cup last September for the high jump, and medals for the javelin and relay.

  So yeah, she was a model pupil. Everyone wanted to be like Savvy Hunter, except for Serena with her sour stories of long-ago bullying and game-playing. Then again, nobody actually listened to Serena, even if we suspected her words might be true.

  People wanted to think the best of Savvy – even I did, and I knew better than most how cruel she could be. That was her magic – a way of seeming to be bright and beautiful and kind, in spite of it all. We wanted to believe in her.

  The more I studied Savvy, the more panicky I got. Maybe it was exam nerves – I knew a whole lot about my subject, but I was certain I’d forget it all on Saturday night. I could have sat a multiple-choice exam paper or written a three page essay on Savvy Hunter, but hanging out with her was a different story. I was bound to mess up.

  What did they even want me there for? Savvy didn’t need new friends. She had three best friends already, and most of our year thought she was the coolest thing since strawberry cream frappés; any one of them would have loved an invitation to her house. Why would she pick me, of all the girls at St Elizabeth’s, to come to her sleepover? It had to be a prank, a joke, a trap. At best I’d be an outsider; at worst, a victim, just waiting to be baited, tormented.

  Paranoia seeped into my blood like poison.

  Savvy Hunter looked like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, but I knew the truth, even if I tried hard to ignore it.

  I swallowed back an ocean of regret and shame and accepted that I wouldn’t be going to Savvy’s on Saturday night. I must have been crazy to think I could.

  But how to tell Savvy? All week she’d been reminding me of the sleepover; a wink in French, a wave in maths, a winning smile on the netball courts in PE. Today she’d stopped by my table in the school canteen and asked if I was all set
for Saturday; if I had my costume sorted, if I was looking forward to it.

  ‘Can’t wait!’ I’d said, in spite of my misgivings.

  Yeah, right. I was a coward as well as everything else. Maybe I’d just text Savvy at the last minute with an excuse; I’d say I was too sick, too sad, staying in to wash my hair. I cringed at the thought. If going to Savvy’s sleepover scared me, not going scared me more. Overnight, I could see my status dropping from mere loser to spineless, saddo, pondlife scum.

  Walking home from school on Friday, I saw Lainey leaning against the bus stop, alone, chewing gum and tapping out messages on her smartphone. I took a deep breath and walked right up to her.

  ‘Hey,’ she said, her face bored, impassive. ‘All sorted for tomorrow?’

  ‘About that,’ I said. ‘I’ve changed my mind. I think we both know it’s not a good idea.’

  Lainey’s face changed, registering annoyance, alarm. ‘You have to come!’ she argued. ‘Savvy’s put loads of work in to make it cool for you. She’ll be gutted if you don’t turn up! She’s really interested in getting to know you – she wants us all to be friends!’

  I raised an eyebrow. ‘Really?’ I asked. ‘Why? A fortnight ago, she barely knew I was alive. I was just some loser to pick on, play tricks on.’

  Lainey looked uncomfortable. ‘I’m sorry about that,’ she said. ‘Savvy did think you were a bit of a loser back in Year Seven – she said you were clumsy, clueless. She encouraged Yaz and me to pull a few pranks. I suppose we wanted to impress her, and we thought it was funny to make you look bad. I’m not sure why we thought that now, but … well, we did.’

  It felt like Lainey had pushed me on to the pavement and kicked me in the ribs with her pointy school shoes. The pain was sharp, shocking; it took my breath away. Lainey and Yaz, my ex-best friends, bullied me because they thought it was funny?