Accidentally Married To...a Vampire?

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  For the first time in a millennium, Niccolo prayed. May his men return unharmed with Helena safely in their possession.

  “Safe to the gods, you shall enter. I brake for garage sales and leather pants.”

  Dea pazzesca, Cimil. This better work.

  ***

  Slumped against the locked door, Helena sobbed for over thirty minutes before her wits returned. She couldn’t give up. Not yet. Not when Niccolo’s life was on the line. It didn’t matter what he’d done or how badly his rejection hurt. She still loved him and had to do something to keep Andrus from killing the queen—and therefore Niccolo. Sooner or later, Andrus would return to check on her, and she was going to be ready.

  She marched back down the stairs and began searching the library for a weapon.

  Books, shelves, a desk, and lights. Nothing useful. She did another lap around the enormous room to make sure she didn’t miss anything.

  She sighed loudly. There had to be another way to warn Niccolo! If he could feel her emotions, could he hear her thoughts too? Anything was worth a try. If you can hear me, Niccolo, Andrus wants to kill the queen. Don’t come for me. Don’t bring Reyna here.

  “He can’t hear you, ya know.”

  Helena jumped. There was a petite woman with long red hair standing in front of her. She wore pink leather hot pants and a half-tee with Saucy Trollope written in purple glitter.

  The woman winked. “But I can.”

  Helena hated to ask; the woman radiated hazard, “And you are?”

  The woman lifted her pasty hand over her heart. “You wound me. I am Cimil, your divine cheerleader and sponsor of chaos. And you are a very, very naughty human.” She shook her finger.

  “Sorry?” The woman seemed vaguely familiar, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. “You wouldn’t happen to drive a taxi or have a gay brother who gives kissing lessons, would you?” Helena asked.

  Cimil pointed innocently at her own chest. “Me? Nooo.”

  Helena frowned. “Sorry, but who are you, again?”

  “You should be sorry! You’ve totally ruined my fun. You just had to make the one choice that would tip the scales of fate toward the bad guys so when the apocalypse comes, they win.”

  “Apocalypse?”

  Cimil perched her hand on one hip and shook her finger again. “Now the other gods are totally peeved at me, and I have to do all the cleanup to set everything on the right path again.”

  Gods? Cimil? The name suddenly clicked. “Oh my god, you’re the one who put Niccolo to sleep.”

  “First, it’s…oh my goddessss. Get it right. And second, thank you for finally joining me in The Land of Nooo-Really?” Cimil said.

  Helena, who wasn’t sure how to react, just stared blankly while her mind raced.

  Cimil then closed her eyes and took a slow breath. “I am a good goddess. I am kind. I am a good goddess. I am kind.” Her eyes flipped open. “All better. Where was I?”

  Helena was about to say that she had no clue, but Cimil jumped in again. “Ah, yes! I was explaining how you’ve totally mucked everything up, and now I have to fix it—you can thank me later.” She waived her hand through the air.

  Helena had the urge to run to the door and begin screaming again—this time for help. Cimil was scary.

  “First,” Cimil said, “you are correct that Andrus plans to kill Reyna, and therefore any of her disciples would automatically perish. But what you don’t know is that if the good vampires die, we won't have enough soldiers to fight on our side when the Great War comes. It’s the reason we didn’t off the queen ourselves. ‘Cause, she’s one crazy bitch I’d like to take down.”

  Mrs. Kettle, meet your long lost, red headed stepchild…Ms. Pot.

  “But you’re a goddess. Can’t you step in and do something to stop Andrus?” Helena asked.

  Cimil rolled her eyes. “Hellooo. What does it look like I’m doing? Does this not just scream ‘divine intervention?’” She made two fists and started air boxing.

  Helena stepped back again. “No. I meant, just go upstairs and stop Andrus and his men from killing Reyna. Lock him up or something.”

  Cimil froze. “What? Am I speaking the wrong species again? I thought I had that glitch all fixed.”

  She held her hand to her throat. “Testing. Testing. Nope. I’m speaking human.” She began speaking loudly, “Let me turn up the volume so you understand better. Is this better?”

  Helena nodded cautiously.

  “Good,” Cimil bellowed. “If I could stop them, don’t you think I would? But I can no more intervene with their freewill than I can yours.” Cimil leaned over and pointed up. “It’s against the rules,” she whispered. “A major no-no. And the last time we pissed off the Creator, he took away some of our powers.”

  It was all becoming too much. Vampires, gods, Demilords, and a Creator. What next? Aliens? Vampire aliens? Vampire alien gods? Helena shook it off. “But didn’t you put Niccolo to sleep for three-hundred years?” she asked.

  “Sure, but he asked for my help; that’s allowed. Check the rule book.” She pointed to a twelve-inch thick book on the shelf behind her, entitled in black, bold letters RULE BOOK.

  How odd, Helena hadn’t noticed that book there before.

  “Now, listen up,” Cimil snapped. “We haven’t got much time before the big apocalyptic kick off.” She looked at the extra-large rhinestone-encrusted watch on her wrist. “Our tasty little warrior cupcake, Niccolo, is supposed to lead the army. Without him we cannot win. So, not only must the queen and he survive, but the entire queen’s army, too.”

  Helena listened carefully, but didn’t know what to say.

  “Don’t you get it, stupid girl? There is only one person in this story who is not central.” Cimil’s eyes bulged toward Helena.

  Helena hesitantly pointed to herself.

  Cimil jumped up and pointed. “Ding, ding, ding!”

  “I planned to break our bond. Then he can go on to…” Helena swallowed. “To save the world. And I can…” try not to die from a broken heart. “Figure out how to move on.”

  Cimil laughed, “Oh, sweet child. That’s where you’ve taken a wrong turn. You cannot just leave him. There is no way to break a bond forged by the universe herself. It’s like asking the moon to leave its orbit around Earth, or the cream filling of an Oreo to stop living between those crispy chocolaty cookies.” She licked her lips. “That’s just wrong.”

  “I don’t follow.”

  Cimil shrugged. “They never do. Just the bugs get it, but they are sooo needy. And vengeful. You have no idea.” She paused for several awkward moments, rubbing her bottom. Then her head suddenly fell back, and she began staring at the ceiling. She rolled her eyes and shook her head as if listening to someone speak. “Okay. Okay. You win.” She looked back at Helena. “Here’s the deal-ee-o, baby. Only death will break the bond.”

  Helena gasped. Death? That sure was one hell of a way to get a divorce. “Are you sure?”

  “Surer than a cheerleader drinking Four Loko on prom night. But if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll read your future.”

  Helena stepped forward. What did she have to lose? “What do I need to do?”

  Cimil’s smile was nothing less than devious. “You must ask for my help.”

  Helena knew she would regret this, but with so few options at her disposal, what else could she do? “Will you help me?” Helena’s voice was filled with dread.

  “Thought you’d never ask!” Cimil stepped forward and gripped the sides of Helena’s head and stared deeply into her eyes. Helena could swear she saw the fear flicker across Cimil’s face.

  “Well, that was…interesting.”

  “What did you see?” Helena asked

  “I didn’t know you liked garage sales. I love them too! How exciting.” Cimil’s joy melted away when Helena didn’t share the enthusiasm.

  Cimil sighed. “Okay. We’ll save the girl talk for later. As I mentioned upon my glorious arrival a few momen
ts ago, the path you are on will result in Niccolo’s death. That’s bad news for everyone. You must save him, throw yourself in harm’s way. Be the heroic female. Got it?”

  Cimil’s words were like a stab to the heart, what was left of it anyway. Could things possibly get any worse?

  Sure they can, she reminded herself. An apocalypse sounded pretty darn awful. An apocalypse the good guys lost sounded worse.

  “Did you see anything else? Any other way to save him?”

  “Changing your mind about wanting that vampire divorce, are you?”

  Helena nodded, but her mind raced. Was she really going to die? There was still so much she wanted to do.

  Cimil looked around the room at the books. Several moments passed again.

  “Hello?” Helena cautiously waved her hand at Cimil to get her attention.

  “Hi. I’m Cimil.” She held out her hand.

  Helena wanted to scream. Cimil just said that she needed to die and then zoned out. And this was one of the beings who supposedly controlled the world? No wonder it was so messed up.

  “Am I really going to die?”

  Cimil’s face lit up with shock. “Jeez. What kind of goddess do you think I am? We just met, and I only kill people I know.”

  Yikes. “I have to die in order to save Niccolo so he can help win the Great War. Remember?”

  Cimil looked Helena up and down, and then her gaze turned to the book on the desk. “Have you read page five hundred and two?”

  “Why? Will that tell me what I need to do?”

  “No, but it’s a fab story. Reminds me of the time you were marching in the jungle and I lured you to Niccolo. ‘Come to me, Helena.’” She made a deep voice that sounded like Niccolo’s. “You were so adorable, falling and crying, trying to follow my flashlight through the jungle like a little moth. And wow! The look on your face when you saw him lying there naked. He is one yummy, hunk of burning love. Think I can have a go at him? When you’re gone, of course.”

  Helena wanted to pummel Cimil. So it was Cimil who’d orchestrated her encounter with Niccolo. And now she wanted him?

  “Why, Cimil? Why go through so much trouble to bring us together only so we’d end up with our hearts shredded to a pulp?”

  “That’s easy. Your scrumptious vampire asked for my help. He came to me all whiny…‘I don’t like the queen. I don’t want to kill for her anymore.’ Blah, blah, blah,” she blathered mockingly. “So, I read his future and made sure he set his sails on the right course—a course where he lives, leads the army, and still has you.”

  So there was a time when things would have worked out. Where did she go wrong? Could she fix it? “What did you see when you saw his future?” Helena asked.

  “Hmm. Let me see.” Cimil tapped the side of her cheek. “You were frolicking on a beach at night—Mexico, I think—splashing and playing in the waves. He was kissing your face and smothering you with love. I’ve never seen a happier mated pair in all my existence.”

  Helena felt like she’d been punched in the stomach. She’d given up her winning lottery ticket to true love and happiness with Niccolo. “What did Niccolo need to do in order to be on that path?”

  Cimil replied, “There was a high probability he would have been murdered before you were born—I had to stop that from happening. Then there was the matter of accelerating his falling in love with you.” She sighed. “He’s such a workaholic. Never stops to reflect, smell the roses. It’s just kill, kill, protect, protect with that man. If I hadn’t intervened, it would have taken him years to not only take your blood to create the bond, but to truly realize his love for you. So, I set the stage. He wanted his freedom from the queen. I told him you were the key. I also threw him a few curve balls. Told him—and you’re gonna bust up when you hear this—he could not bed you, bite you, yadda yadda.” She roared with laughter. “That way he’d focus on getting to know you as a person, and not the sexy tigress…grrrr”—she clawed at the air—“that you are.”

  She snickered and slapped her thigh. “It was hysterical watching him keep his hands off you! OMG’sss.” She shook her head. “Good times. Good times. Oh! And I told him you needed to be made a vampire, willingly, on the day of your three-month anniversary. That was a big must—or…is a big must. Yeah. That one was right…I think. It’s hard to keep this stuff straight in my head.”

  It all explained Niccolo’s bizarre behavior. “So you lied to him? It was all just a plan to get him to fall in love with me quickly, and then lead the army for your war?”

  Cimil flashed a devilish grin. “Yes? And…yes, again? Protecting one’s true love makes for an excellent warrior. Didn’t you see how he slaughtered that creep Rodrigo the night you met? Brilliant move on my part, by the way, tipping off the queen—I knew she’d send that loser to check things out, and I was just itching to collect his soul. Cha-ching!”

  Damn her! This was all just some joke. But on the bright side…“He really does love me?”

  “Of course. Weren’t you listening?” Cimil pointed up. “The universe herself has destined your joining. You were meant for each other.”

  “Then why can’t it still work out?”

  “Looks like your boy Andrus, there, has taken a liking to you. Totally unexpected, you know, and it will all end terribly. He kills Niccolo. You kill Andrus. And we’re left with that crazy cow, Reyna, and lose the Great War.” Cimil made a sour face and turned her thumb down. “Booo. Terrible ending.”

  “Why does Andrus try to kill Niccolo? I thought he was after Reyna?”

  Cimil shrugged. “Ask him. Likely some competitive, jealousy bull crap. What do I care? He’s not nearly as entertaining as Niccolo. Especially with that bond you two share—it’s the most powerful I’ve ever seen. Oh! How about the time he was PMS’ing? Does it get any better than that? PMS’ing vampire men! Hysterical!”

  A blind rage flew over Helena. “Glad to see the destruction of our lives is so damn amusing to you! You know what? Maybe the world is better off ending in a giant apocalypse! At least we won’t have to put up with your insanity!”

  Cimil shrugged. “Hey, I’ve been alive for a very, very long time. Boring,” she sang out. “Gotta do something for kicks, and a good apocalypse every now and then fills the cracks. It’s like the Super Bowl for us gods…but without the beer and everyone could die. Fun, right?”

  Helena wanted to strangle Cimil. It really was all just a big game to her, but Helena would lose everything, including her life. At least she could save Niccolo; that was something. And she’d die knowing he really loved her. And hopefully the good guys would win, saving the people she loved, too. But what if this was just another lie? She just told Helena that she’d lied and manipulated Niccolo. The woman was obviously insane. But was she evil? Were there bad gods? Helena had no clue. Christ! This sucked!

  “I hope the universe has a big pay-back planned for you, Cimil. I hope she mates you to a toad, and he gets eaten by some animal so you can suffer a broken heart for eternity.”

  Cimil frowned. “Oh, believe you me. I’ve starred in that movie four times! Hey, what made you such a bitter pill?”

  Helena had never been so angry and heartbroken in her entire life. “I don’t know, maybe you just told me I found the love of my life and now I have to die to save him. Could also be that there’s an apocalypse coming so everyone I love is in jeopardy? Take your damned pick!”

  “Isn’t it so exciting?” Cimil clapped and jumped like a pogo stick. “You’re going to love it! Did I tell you that your Auntie Cimil is also Goddess of the Underworld? We’re going to be together for a very, very long time.”

  Underworld? “You mean—I’m going to hell?”

  “Silly, where else would a vampire’s bride go? Heaven?” Cimil burst out laughing. “You’re a riot, girl!”

  Chapter 18

  Niccolo pressed the heel of his palm into his throbbing forehead. In his other hand was a bag of ice-cold blood. His brain felt like the victim of a bear trap.


  Helena. She’s afraid. She was also feeling loss and love, the sting of betrayal and rage, all at the same time.

  Then suddenly, it melted away. He felt nothing. Bloody inferno! What was happening to her?

  He clutched the bag firmly in both hands. I must go to her. I must be strong to fight. He thrust the bag to his mouth and pierced the plastic with his fangs. The blood slid down his throat. I will not retch, I will not retch…His stomach churned painfully. The air seemed to swirl violently around him. He was going to either pass out or vomit.

  Think of Helena. Think of Helena.

  He swallowed hard and managed to keep from vomiting. He felt his strength returning immediately. He grabbed another bag from the cooler behind the passenger seat and drank it down quickly.

  He lifted the sleeve of his black tee and recited the annoying words etched in his skin. He knew the phrase actually worked because he’d watched his men slip over the gate and into the standing of trees. Niccolo moved out of the vehicle and strapped two swords over his back. He gave the leather straps crossing his chest a quick tug and then turned towards to the iron fence.

  There, standing just out of reach on the opposite side of the iron slats, was Andrus. His face was all smiles, smug and mocking.

  Niccolo unsheathed his swords and approached with deadly determination. He would take Andrus’ head if it was the last thing he did. If he had to gnaw through the metal fence, he’d goddamned do it.

  The Demilord held out his palm. “Don’t go there, Executioner.”

  He threw something metallic and large up and over the fence. Viktor’s sword landed at Niccolo’s feet.

  Andrus blew on his fingernails and then buffed them on his dark shirt. “We’ve got your men locked up in our dungeon. You did a piss poor job of training them, you know. Taking their weapons was like taking candy from a baby.”

  They are still alive. Thank the gods. Niccolo just needed to buy a moment and think. “You speak from experience. Why am I not surprised you pick on babies?”

  Andrus frowned. “Funny. Let’s see if you’re in the mood to crack jokes tomorrow after we stake your men to the ground and let them bake in the sun until they whither and die. I think one is named is Viktor, is he not? Your right hand for almost a millennium? Then there’s always Helena…I bet she’d make a nice snack for a few of your hungry vampires.”