Love Frustration

by RM Johnson

  “Yes. I do accept your apology, Mildred,” Asha said, smiling to herself.

  Gill took them to their hotel. Thank God, Asha thought, as she sank lower in the warm bubbles of the bath she’d drawn for herself. If she was unsure before, Gill’s mother was definitely a good reason not to get married. But then there were other reasons as well. The whole ‘lots of beautiful babies’ thing, as his father put it. Asha knew that to have lots of beautiful babies, there would have to be lots and lots of sex, and lately, sex with Gill had been almost completely devoid of pleasure. And in light of what she’d experienced earlier today, it seemed that there would soon be reason to stop having sex with Gill altogether.

  Asha didn’t know exactly how her average, innocent conversation and massage for Angie had turned into something X-rated. One moment they were talking about shopping, shoes, and lingerie, and the next, Angie was asking Asha what kind of panties she wore. Asha told her something from Victoria’s Secret, but that didn’t seem to be enough information for Angie. She obviously wanted to know how they felt, for while she was lying on her back, and Asha massaged her legs, Angie’s hand went wandering over Asha’s skirt, up the side of Asha’s leg. She traced the curves of Asha’s hips first, then the roundness of her behind. All the while, Asha acted as if none of it was happening.

  Angie let her hand fall, then moved it in front of Asha, and started pulling up her skirt. Angie continued to pull it up, until she got her hand all the way under it, was gently touching the lace of Asha’s panties.

  “And why do you like Vicki’s panties?” Angie asked, as she traced the band around Asha’s waist, then the one around the inside of her thighs.

  “I don’t know,” Asha said. Her heart had started beating fast, and her head was becoming light. “I just like the way they feel against my body.”

  “I like the way they feel against your body, too,” Angie said, now focusing deeper in between Asha’s legs, at the warmth and moisture she felt there. Angie applied the slightest pressure with her thumb and forefinger, and Asha almost doubled over with the overwhelming sensation she experienced. Asha was no longer massaging Angie, but rubbing her hands up and down the woman’s thighs sensually, holding on tight to her, trying to anticipate the next jolt of pleasure Angie was going to give her.

  “Is everything all right?” Angie asked, in a soft, throaty voice, now pulling on the panties gently, slowly urging them down Asha’s hips.

  Asha didn’t know exactly what was happening, or if she should even let it happen. She raised her spinning head and looked over at the door, wanting to go over there and lock it, but not wanting to stop this moment. It would be okay, no one ever walked in while she was massaging, she told herself. She allowed herself to relax just the slightest bit as she continued smoothing her hands over Angie’s firm, tight thighs, up her flat belly, and around her waist.

  Asha felt that Angie had coaxed the panties from her hips and bottom, and then a moment later, she felt them drop down around her ankles. Asha continued the facade as best she could, pretending as though nothing more was happening than the innocent massage she was giving her client, even though at this point, Asha was rolling her palms over Angie’s large breasts until her nipples stood hard.

  And then Asha felt it, Angie’s finger sliding freely inside her, and she almost buckled over entirely. She let out a guttural moan.

  “Oh, you like that?” Angie said, already starting to concentrate on her most sensitive part, and Asha wondered just how she even knew where that was.

  “Do you like that?” Angie asked again, slightly quickening the speed at which she played with her, then changing the angle, which gave Asha even more pleasure. Asha couldn’t answer but grunted something, now squeezing Angie’s breasts in her hands, lowering her face to them.

  “Is that making you feel good, Asha? Does it feel good down there?”

  All Asha could think was, fuck yes it feels good, but she couldn’t say it, because now her mouth was filled with Angie’s breast, and she was squirming all about in front of her so much that she worried she might knee Angie in the face. It was all because Angie was doing what she was doing, sliding her finger in and out of Asha, making Asha so wet that she felt her moistness sliding down the inside of her thighs, and all she wanted to do was grab Angie’s hand, and push it as far into her as it would go. She even tried a weak attempt at it, but Angie brushed her away, smiled mischievously, and continued focusing on that one little spot that was driving Asha insane with pleasure, until all of a sudden, Asha felt a tingling at her toes, her fingertips, the tips of her nipples, and at the edges of her lips. Then the entire sensation moved in, gripped her entire body until she felt both paralyzed and raging with rapture at the same time.

  Asha was bent over Angie’s nearly naked body now, groping at her, biting softly at her skin, but Angie did not seem to mind. Her attention was focused on bringing Asha all the way, making her explode like she never had before, and after just four more strokes, Asha started to cry out. Angie quickly slapped her other hand over Asha’s mouth and continued giving her pleasure, till Asha’s body jolted a number of times, then went limp, slowly collapsing onto Angie’s bare stomach.

  Asha got a chill just thinking about what had happened, as she sank deeper into Gill’s bathtub. It was strange, but the more she thought about Angie, the more she missed her. The phone sat on the floor by the bathtub, and Asha looked down at it, foolishly thinking about picking it up, dialing Angie, if for no other reason than to hear her voice, talk to her about nothing in particular, share a short laugh. What the hell was that about? Asha asked herself, abandoning the thought, not even knowing the girl’s number by heart. Could it be that she was starting to fall for her? Ridiculous, Asha thought. The woman made her have an orgasm one time, and now Asha was thinking she was in love. Asha smiled and laughed at herself for thinking something so insane. Then she found herself remembering Angie’s smile, and she had to fight to get the woman entirely out of her head once and for all.

  She had more pressing matters to think about, like Gill, and how to stop what had recently turned into a runaway train. But if she got rid of Gill, would she be alone? Would Angie be there for her? She knew that shouldn’t be the reason she either stayed with him or got rid of him, but it seemed like Angie played a huge part in her decision. Asha knew that she would have to have a conversation with her before a real decision could be made.

  17

  For the better part of the day, I’d been trying to busy myself with work. I put on jeans, work boots and a heavy work shirt, and went to one of my South Side buildings to see if there was something I could do. It was all an attempt to get Faith off my mind. But while I was painting some stairs, trying to repair the mechanism on a garage door opener, replacing a basement window that one of those bad-ass kids who lived in the building had broken, I could not seem to think of anything but her.

  I went to the gym afterward, trying to work off some of the anger and stress I was feeling. As I did dumbbell curls, pushing myself till my biceps ached, I asked myself why Faith was running from me. There was something I was missing, something that I’d done wrong that she couldn’t seem to get past so we could reconcile and get on with our lives together.

  I lowered myself onto the bench press and stared at the bar loaded with weights hanging over me. I was focusing deeply in on it, because I was trying to stop myself from thinking that the only reason Faith was continuing to avoid me was because Asha was still in the picture. I knew that had to be it, though. If I wanted her back, I had to do something about Asha, and I had to do it now.

  I didn’t even pick up the bar. Instead, I moved quickly to the locker room, not showering, just throwing my clothes over my sweaty body and heading home. Driving there, I kept trying to rationalize what it was I knew I needed to do, but in no way wanted to do. I would make Asha a sacrificial lamb. I would kill our friendship for the sake of my relationship with Faith. It was what Faith wanted me to do in the first place, what I sho
uld’ve done.

  When Asha opened the door, she was just coming out of her shower, wearing a bathrobe, her hair all over her head. I followed her into her bedroom, where there were a couple of outfits laid out across the bed.

  “What’s up?” she said, looking down at the outfits. Then before I could answer her, she said to herself, “I know I’m wearing these jeans, but should I go with that yellow pullover, or that orange button-down?”

  I stood there just behind her, trying to find a way to make this sound right, not to make myself seem so much like a monster.

  “Jayson. Orange or yellow?” she said, looking over her shoulder.

  “Oh. Orange.”

  “Thanks. I’ll wear the yellow,” she said, picking the other shirt off the bed and hanging it up back in her closet.

  As she did that, I couldn’t help seeing how carefree she seemed, as she hummed some soft song that sounded vaguely familiar.

  “Where you going tonight?” I asked, avoiding what I was there to do.

  “Oh, Gill’s taking me to his place for dinner. Nothing special. Or at least it better not be.”

  I felt a tinge of jealousy come over me, knowing that she had someone to spend her evening with, someone that loved her. I looked at her hand, at her ring, just as beautiful as the ring I had put on Faith’s finger, the one she had given back to me. I hadn’t returned it yet, because I thought, I knew, there was still hope for us.

  I thought about those things, and I not only started to feel jealous, but a bit angry as well, believing that it was all Asha’s fault that I was standing here watching her get ready to go out for dinner, instead of making plans to go out with Faith myself.

  “Asha,” I said, looking down at my feet.

  “Yeah.”

  “You happy?”

  She smiled, but didn’t say anything.

  “Are you happy?”

  “There’s things going on in my life now that need some clarification, but for the most part, I’m happy. Why?”

  “Are you happy that Gill’s marrying you?”

  “I’m happy that he wants to marry me.”

  I walked closer to Asha, who looked at me sadly all of a sudden, as though I was about to tell her something like I only had a day to live. I rested both my hands on her arms, and looked more at the collar of her bathrobe than her face.

  “Asha, I don’t want you to say anything. I don’t want this to be open for discussion. I want you to know that I want to be happy too. That at this point, I’m willing to do whatever I have to do in order to accomplish that, and the only way to do that is to get Faith back.”

  I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, exhaled, opened them, and then continued.

  “I’m going to go and try to find her now, and tell her whatever she wants to hear, do anything she wants me to, and if she still wants to hear that I will no longer be friends with you, I’m going to have to tell her that, too. And it will stick this time. I’m sorry, Asha.”

  I stood there, my arms still on her shoulders, looking at her, as she looked back at me. She wanted to say something to me, but I suggested she not by the look in my eyes. I squeezed her gently, as if saying goodbye for the last time, then I turned around to leave.

  “I understand, Jayson,” I heard her say from behind me. It took everything in my power not to turn around before I left.

  I had parked my car down the street, out of sight of Faith’s house. I didn’t need her to see my car from there as she was about to turn the corner, and then all of a sudden race away. I’d been sitting on her porch for the better part of three hours now. I told myself I was going to leave at the start and middle of each one of those hours, but never found the courage to.

  I heard a car coming and leaned forward some to see that it was Faith’s Camry. She pulled up, her mind obviously occupied by something enough to stop her from noticing me until after she’d parked and pulled her key from the ignition. I stood, and she looked disappointed to see me there.

  She grabbed her things out of the backseat, and took forceful, businesslike steps toward me and up the porch stairs. When I tried to say something, she said, “Jayson, we’ve already been through this. I have nothing left to say to you.”

  “Faith, I know this can’t be it. There has to be a chance for us to fix this.”

  Faith was fumbling with her keys, trying to shove the right one in the lock.

  “There’s nothing to fix, because we don’t have anything anymore.”

  “Just like that?” I said. “One moment, we’re in love, eating dinner at a restaurant with all our friends, days away from getting married, from spending the rest of our lives together, and loving the idea of it, and now we don’t have anything anymore?”

  Faith looked up at me from the lock a moment, and said, “That’s right, Jayson,” as if she had never loved me a day in her life.

  That’s when I snapped. I don’t know exactly what it was that did it. Was it because of how calm she seemed about this whole thing, when I was sitting up nights, seeing her face on everything I laid eyes on? Or was it the fact that she seemed to have absolutely no emotion in her whatsoever when I was practically pleading for her forgiveness?

  I smacked the keys out of her hand, moved up very close to her, breathing in her face. “So that’s it? Period? It’s over?”

  “How many times do I have to tell you that,” Faith said, not intimidated at all.

  “I want to know why? Why just so damn all of a sudden?”

  “It wasn’t all of a sudden, Jayson. It was a long time coming with that girl. I told you all this before. Now if you don’t mind …” she said, looking at me, then down at her keys.

  I was standing over them, and I guess I was supposed to move out of her way so she could get them.

  She picked them up and was searching for the right one on the ring again. “This was your fault, Jayson. Not mine.”

  “I’m ready to do the right thing now,” I said. “I’m ready to end my friendship with Asha, for real this time. I even told her so earlier today. You can call her if you want,” I said, knowing that Asha would curse Faith out if she ever picked up her phone and heard Faith on the other end of it. But I was desperate, willing to do anything.

  “I’m not calling anyone, Jayson. It’s too late for that. Way too late. We’re done. It’s done. I just wish that you would move on with your life and stop coming around here, because it won’t make any difference.”

  “You don’t mean that, Faith,” I said.

  “I do. I really do.”

  “Then tell me that you don’t love me. If that’s how you really feel. Look me in the face and tell me,” I said, staring intently into her eyes, knowing she wouldn’t be able to do it.

  She looked sternly, deeply into my eyes, not blinking once, and said slowly and firmly, “Jayson. I do not love you anymore.” After that, she continued to hold that unblinking stare, as if proving there was no question of her certainty.

  There were still so many questions I needed answered. What about that man? Where did he come in? But after those firm final words she spoke, I knew all the questioning in the world wouldn’t make one damn bit of difference.

  After a moment, I lowered my head and walked away from her, off the porch, down the street. I did not look back, almost afraid to, afraid that she would still be there, looking out over her banister, her arm outstretched, pointing at me, the other hand covering her laughing mouth. When I got to my car, I fell into the seat, rewound the tape in my head, and played over all that was just said. Still, two and two weren’t adding up. It was just too damn quick of a change of heart for me to believe that she didn’t love me anymore. There was something else that she was hiding, maybe afraid to come out with.

  She wouldn’t tell me, but maybe there would be someone else that could. I grabbed my cell phone, scanned through the directory, looking for Karen’s number. She was probably the last person who would want to help me save my relationship with Faith, considering she was Faith�
�s best friend, considering that now things were probably just how she always wanted them to be with Faith and me, but I had no one else to turn to. No one knew her better than Karen.

  It was a little after nine. The phone rang three times, and I was praying that she was home. It was funny, but I never thought I would be praying to speak to this woman.

  “Hello.”

  I was silent a moment, not knowing what to say, fearing that if I said the wrong thing she would hang up in my face.

  “Karen.”

  “Hello?”

  “Karen. It’s me, Jayson.” There was silence, then after a second pause, she said, “Hi, Jayson.” Her voice was low, she sounded depressed.

  “Before you hang up on me, I just wanted to say that I figure you probably already know what happened to me and Faith.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “And I’ve been trying to talk to her, do whatever I can to get her to come back to me, but she won’t even listen. I know that she loves me, but there must be something else that she’s afraid to tell me about, afraid I won’t understand. I was hoping that maybe you could find out what’s really going on, that maybe you could talk to her.”

  There was another short pause, then I heard Karen sigh heavily over the phone.

  “Jayson, I know what’s going on. But the real question is, do you really want to find out?”

  “Of course I do!”

  “Fine. You’ve come to the right person.”

  18

  Angie parked her Mercedes in front of the day care center. It was a little after four, and things had been busy at the downtown clothing boutique she owned. She wanted to take care of most of the customers herself before she left her assistant in charge for the rest of the evening.

  Angie stepped into the day care center and clip-clopped across the hallway tile floor toward Room 101. She peered inside the glass and saw three children sitting on a large area rug with the ABCs and 123s stitched into it. One of them, a brown, round-faced boy with curly, sandy brown hair, looked up at her, smiling. He got up, ran toward the door, and Angie opened it to receive his hug.