Love Frustration

by RM Johnson

  Everything stopped for me at that moment. I froze up, could barely breathe, having only enough strength to push the Stop button on the remote. I sat there, staring at the TV, that image of Faith on her knees, taking that man in her mouth, burned on the screen. I continued to stare at it angrily, foolishly imagining that even though I had stopped the tape, that somewhere inside the television, she was still pleasuring that man, tugging on him, sucking him, massaging him, till he was on the verge of erupting. As she had done so many times for me, as she had probably done so many times for him.

  I thought about the times we were together, the times I would kiss her passionately, the times I would go down on her, and now I was seeing this. My stomach all of a sudden flipped, spun, and all my insides seemed to liquefy. I felt as though I would lose everything right there, but I covered my mouth with my hand and swallowed hard, which relieved the urge. I wiped my hand across my brow, and pulled away a palm covered with sweat. I took three deep breaths and told myself that none of this was happening this very moment, that it had already happened and it was over.

  Telling myself this, and although I knew I shouldn’t have, I grabbed the remote, pressed Play, and watched the rest of it.

  21

  Asha had been at work for three hours already, and surprisingly she hadn’t bumped into Les yet. It wasn’t because she was avoiding seeing her either. Asha was just so busy that she had been in her room most of the morning, and she hadn’t had the opportunity to run into Les. She wasn’t even fearful of the woman anymore after talking to Angie. Angie had told Asha exactly what to do, and when Asha was finished with her last client for the morning, she took long, quick, businesslike strides toward the break room. She knew Big Les would be there, probably gnawing on a sixfoot sub and drinking a gallon of chocolate Nesquik.

  When Asha pushed her way into the break room, Big Les was the only person in there. Immediately something drained from Asha. Some of her confidence seemed to have magically disappeared.

  Les looked up at her, grinned in her face, then pulled a spoon of Fruit Loops up toward her mouth and quickly ate them. Asha looked at the bowl full of milk and cereal that sat before Les, then looked at the plastic shopping bag there at Les’s feet, and saw a huge family-size box of the colorful Os, and a quart of milk. She would’ve laughed right there in Les’s face if the whole scene hadn’t been so pathetic, and she wasn’t starting to lose her nerve.

  “You all taken up with my box of Fruit Loops,” Les said, catching a line of milk that spilled out the corner of her mouth with her spoon.

  “If you want some, just ask. I think there’s another bowl up there in the cabinet.”

  “Naw, Les,” Asha said. “You go right ahead. I had Fruit Loops yesterday for lunch.” Asha was about to turn around and walk out of there, because with each moment she looked at the big woman, sitting there like a grossly overweight four-year-old, she became more intimidated. And besides, since Les hadn’t said anything inappropriate to her, maybe she had planned on dropping the entire affair. If that was the case, why should Asha even bring it up again?

  Asha moved to the door, grabbed the knob, and was about to turn it when Les said, “Oh, yeah, girl, had another dream last night.”

  Asha didn’t turn around; she stood there, her hand still on the doorknob, squeezing it so hard she felt she could’ve crumbled it into dust at any moment.

  “I had you wide open, girl,” Asha heard Les saying between her crunching and slurping of the milk and Fruit Loops.

  “I was doing my thing, and it was gettin’ so good to you that you were crying for it, you was beggin’ for it.” What she was saying was sickening Asha. It was angering her so much that if she could’ve ripped that knob from the door, and slung it at Les, hit her in the eye, she would’ve. Anything to make her shut up.

  Asha spun around, holding a finger up before her. “You can stop that shit right there.”

  Les’s eyebrows raised, as if she was questioning if Asha was actually speaking to her. She looked left, and right, as if she was really unsure.

  “What did you just say?” Les said, coolly.

  “You heard what I said. You can stop talking that shit, because I ain’t gettin’ with you, and I ain’t ever gettin’ with yo’ big stank ass.”

  With those remarks, Les looked as though she had been slapped across the face. She forcefully pushed her chair back, which made a loud screeching noise as it slid across the tile floor. She slowly raised her huge body from her chair, as if to remind Asha just who she was talking to, and how foolish it was to say what she had just said.

  “I think you got who you talking to a little mixed up in your head, sweetheart,” Les said, pushing the chair aside, coming around the table toward Asha. “’Cause I ain’t none of your little friends who got a little crush on you, and you tell them where to go, and they leave you the fuck alone. Let me tell you something, baby,” Les said, now right up in Asha’s face, “If I want you to get with me, then you gonna get me with me. Know what I’m sayin’?”

  “Then you must not like working here,” Asha said, standing her ground, even though she was pushed up against the door, Les towering over her. “Because this is sexual harassment, and if I go back to Margee’s office, and just tell her that you’ve been harassing me, it’d be enough to start an investigation into getting your ass fired. But if I went back there with a black eye, or a bloody lip …” Asha said, feeling that Les had intentions of doing just those things to her, “… then they’d fire you on the spot, and probably bring criminal charges against your butch ass.”

  Asha saw that what she was saying to Les was having an effect on her, and although she looked like a chimpanzee trying to understand a complex physics equation, something sunk in, for she looked a little more timid than a moment ago.

  “Now back your big ass off me,” Asha said, feeling that she could’ve blown Les over with a strong breath, she had her so punked.

  It took Les a moment, but she backed off Asha. “So you comin’ like that, hunh? Trying to take my job, my money.”

  “I’m not coming like nothing. You trying to lose your job, trying to give away your money, all up in my face with what you were talking. You keep away from me, and you don’t have nothing to worry about.”

  “Yeah, that’s cool,” Les said, backing away from Asha a couple more steps. “I’ll keep away from you, but don’t you ask me for shit, you hear me.”

  “I got you, Les. I won’t be asking you for shit.”

  “You should’ve seen her elephant ass,” Asha laughed as she told the story to Angie, while she massaged her later that afternoon. “She couldn’t do nothing. Nothing! I could’ve spit in her face, and all she could’ve said was, ‘Mmm, taste good,’ I had her so punked.”

  “Oh, yeah. Big bad Asha,” Angie said, looking up at her.

  “That’s right!” Asha said, waving her arms about, pointing her finger in her chest. “Don’t mess with big bad Asha, unless you got a death wish, ya’ dig!”

  They both laughed, and then they quieted, allowing Asha to continue with Angie’s massage.

  “You know, I really got to thank you for telling me what to do,” Asha said, rubbing Angie’s neck.

  “It wasn’t a big deal. I’m sure, eventually, you would’ve come up with the same thing.”

  “Yeah, probably, but … sometimes it’s just nice knowing that you got someone in your corner, someone you can turn to, even if they do nothing more than just support a decision that you’ve already decided to make. And speaking about decisions, yesterday when we were on the phone I was going …”

  Angie quickly sat up from the table, threw her legs over the side and faced Asha.

  “Asha don’t.”

  “Don’t what? You don’t even know what I was about to ask you.”

  “I do. And I don’t think it’s wise.”

  “You don’t think what’s wise? Tell me what I’m talking about first, Angie, before you start telling me what you think is wise and
what isn’t.”

  Angie blew a sigh of frustration, lowered her head, then looked back up at Asha.

  “You were about to bring our outside lives into this. Don’t do that, Asha. It’s just us right now. This is our special thing,” she said, squeezing Asha’s shoulders. “Why do you want to ruin that with the outside world?”

  “What is the outside world? Other people, other places? Our lives before we met each other, decisions that we have to make regarding each other? This outside world that you’re talking about must be everything outside this room, because I never see you outside of it.”

  “Well, you never said you wanted to.”

  “What? You think the only time I want to see you is when you come in so we can squirm around on the table for half an hour. You get off, smile, kiss me on the cheek, and go home. See ya’ next week?”

  “Asha, let’s not go there.”

  “No!” Asha said, forcefully objecting. “Let’s do go there. I want to see you outside of here. I want to do things, go to the movies, to dinner. Or are you ashamed of me?”

  “No, Asha.”

  “You don’t care for me? Don’t have feelings for me?”

  “Now you know that’s bullshit. You know how much you mean to me.”

  “Then what is it?” Asha said. “How come we have to be always bunched up in this little room like we have something to hide?”

  “So what. You want to walk down State Street tongue kissing, braless, our hands in each other’s hip pockets and proclaim how free we are, how unconcerned we are with what other people think?” Angie said.

  “No,” Asha said, pausing, giving Angie a serious look. “I just want to have dinner with you.”

  “Asha, I said, don’t do this,” Angie said, now rubbing Asha’s shoulders, trying to soothe her into understanding. “Everything is so good just like …”

  Asha swatted both Angie’s hands away. “So good for who, Angie? So good for you, because you get to have your little closet girlfriend tucked away in a little secret compartment, so you can get off on her anytime you want to without anyone knowing, like some pervert getting off on his daughter.”

  Angie was struck hard by Asha’s insult. She jumped off the table, wrapped a towel around her, and quickly headed for the changing room.

  “What are you doing?” Asha called to her.

  Angie didn’t answer.

  “I said, what are you doing?” Asha said, now coming up behind her.

  Angie quickly spun on her, stared her dead in the face with her angry eyes. “How dare you compare me to that? How dare you talk to me like you know what’s going on in my life, like you have experience in this. I opened your eyes to something that you’ve been trying to fight all your life, make you come a couple of times, make you think you’re falling in love, and now you think you own me? Now you think you can make demands of me?” Angie said, shaking her head, waving a finger at Asha. “You don’t even know me.” Angie turned to leave.

  “Wait,” Asha said. “You’re wrong.”

  Angie turned back to face Asha.

  “I do know you. And I don’t think I’m falling in love with you. I know I am.”

  Angie didn’t say a word, couldn’t say a word. She looked into Asha’s eyes, and Asha knew that she was looking there to see if she was telling the truth. She wouldn’t have to look that deep to know that she was, Asha thought.

  Angie kept her eyes on her for a moment longer, then said, “Goodbye, Asha,” and turned and left.

  22

  “Goodbye, Asha.” Just what the hell did that mean? Asha pondered as she gave the cabbie his money and jumped out of the taxi. All during the ride home, she wanted to call Angie, wanted to ask her if it was over. But was it? Angie claimed that Asha didn’t know her, but Asha knew that wasn’t true, because if it was, she couldn’t have felt the way she was starting to feel about her. It was love, she knew that it was, even though she had to stop and ask herself if it was merely something physical. Was it because of the incredible way she made Asha feel, or was it because she had opened the door to all this for Asha? Was it like a young boy falling in love with the first girl who made him aware that pleasure could be derived from that thing that grew hard in between his legs? She didn’t think so. Although Asha had never been with a woman before, she knew what puppy love was, and this definitely wasn’t it.

  She wouldn’t call her, Asha told herself. It seemed as though Angie wanted her distance because she had things to sort out. Maybe she was feeling the same feelings that Asha was starting to feel and just didn’t want to admit it. Or, maybe she was truly using Asha as a toy. Maybe Angie had half a dozen women around the city that she visited every couple of days out of the week. How Asha didn’t want this to be the case. But if it was, and goodbye meant forever, then maybe that was for the best. After all, she herself had issues of her own that she really needed to resolve before she started getting involved in a serious relationship, mainly Gill.

  She slid her key into her door, pushed it open, telling herself she would call Gill as soon as she got settled in. He would be wanting to see her tonight, and she would have to tell him that maybe it was a bad idea, push it off until tomorrow, if not the day after.

  She stepped inside, closed the door behind her, and almost jumped out of her skin when she saw Jayson standing in the middle of her living room, aimlessly looking toward the ceiling, as if waiting for rain, something in his hand.

  “It’s not a problem, Jayson, because I knew that you could never stop being friends with me, but I thought you said you’d never just come in here.”

  Jayson didn’t say anything, just looked strangely down at the television set, looked as though he was angry with it.

  “Jayson,” Asha said, setting down her purse, and walking over to him. “I said, it was cool. It’s your building. You can come down here anytime you want to, just don’t freak if you see my panties in the sink.” Asha laughed, hoping that would trigger something in Jayson, but nothing happened. He continued looking at the TV that wasn’t turned on, and then down at his hand, where he held the remote to the television.

  “What is it?”

  “There’s a tape of it in the VCR,” Jayson said, his voice low, disturbed.

  “Of what?” Asha said, pulling the remote easily from Jayson’s hand.

  “Just watch it,” Jayson said, struggling to raise himself from the sofa, then without looking back, he disappeared into her bedroom.

  What was on the tape, Asha asked herself, her thumb hovering over the Play button. She knew it had to be something horrible, so why should she watch it? Because Jayson asked her to, and he was still her best friend, and the man was hurting, and she would’ve done anything for him, short of giving her own life, and who knows, if it were a spur of the moment thing, she would probably have done that too.

  Asha pressed Play and the image of Faith on her knees appeared on the screen. She was sucking off some man. The man who ruined Jayson’s life, and he was enjoying himself far more than seemed possible, and he made it known by the horrible faces he was making and the way he was moaning, loud enough to make the speakers on the TV vibrate. Asha quickly thumbed down the volume, thankful that Jayson had closed the door.

  The man lifted Faith off the floor, dumping her onto the sofa, her legs falling open. He bent over her, taking her breasts in his hands, sucking them, then working his way down. Although Faith’s face was obscured, it was apparent that she was losing her mind by the way she was writhing about on that sofa, the noises she was making, the way she grabbed that man’s head, pulling him closer, wrapping her legs around him. Then the man flipped Faith over on her stomach, and entered her from behind.

  Asha frowned, a sickened look on her face, and she told herself that Jayson couldn’t have seen this, he just couldn’t have, and not thrown himself off the top of this building.

  Asha pressed the Eject button, yanked the tape out of the machine, walked swiftly into the kitchen, and dropped it into the trash. She
then went to her bedroom door. She put her ear to it and knocked softly.

  “Jayson.”

  “Don’t come in here,” she heard him say through the door.

  “Jayson, I just want to talk to you,” Asha said, slowly turning the knob, gently pushing the door open.

  “I said, don’t come in here.”

  Asha came in anyway.

  Jayson was sitting on the edge of the bed, and when she walked in, he scooted around to the other side of it, turning away from her.

  Asha sat down near him, but again, Jayson turned away from her. She stood up, moved around in front of him, then lowered herself to her knees, pushed herself in between his knees. He was covering his face with his hands, but she gently pried them away, held them tight, to reveal his tearstreaked face.

  “Jayson, it’s not your fault,” Asha said to him in a soft voice.

  He looked away from her, still trying to hide his face, even though he could not use his hands.

  “Jayson, did you hear me? You did not cause that. Nothing you did sent that woman to that man,” Asha said, more forcefully, trying to make him understand.

  Jayson shook his head, his lips starting to quiver as he was about to speak.

  “All I did was love her. All I did was love her, and then she … and then she …” And more tears spilled from his eyes, leaving him unable to finish.

  “Jayson, she was a fool,” Asha said. “Don’t cry for her. She isn’t worth your tears.”

  But tears continued to come from his eyes, as if he hadn’t heard a word she said.

  “She didn’t deserve you, Jayson. You have to know that,” Asha said, releasing his hands and grabbing his face in both of hers, turning him to look at her, even though he was still trying to look away. “You’re a good man, and she was just too stupid to realize that. Don’t cry, Jayson. Please don’t cry,” Asha pleaded, as she tried to wipe away the tears that did come. But they kept coming, and so much heartache seemed to seep out of him that Asha could feel it actually starting to cause her pain. All she wanted to do was make it stop for him, say the right words, comfort him the right way, deliver him past this anguishing moment.