Love Frustration

by RM Johnson

  37

  Faith looked up at the clock in her office. It read 4:45 P.M. She was so anxious to get out of there that she didn’t know what to do with herself. Last night, Gary had called her from his cell phone.

  “So what time am I seeing you tonight?” Faith asked.

  “Um, won’t be able to make it tonight, baby.”

  It was probably some nonsense with his family, Faith thought, so she didn’t even bother to ask why, because if he told her that one more time, she was gonna just bust.

  “When will you be able to make it? For good, Gary.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You know exactly what I’m talking about. You know how long I’ve been waiting for you, and it’s always next month, or next week, even though you said, this time we’d—”

  “Faith, Faith, hold it, baby,” Gary said, trying to calm her down. “I can’t see you tonight, but tomorrow I’ll be there at your place, waiting for you to get home with a big surprise for you. How does that sound?”

  “Oh, baby!” Faith said, sure she knew what that surprise was. She got up from her couch, wanting to jump up and down across the living room floor, but she’d save that for when she got off the phone, so her future husband wouldn’t think she was totally nuts. “I can’t wait to see you tomorrow!”

  “Same here, baby,” Gary returned coolly.

  “I love you so much, Gary.”

  It took Gary a moment to reply, but then he said, “Yeah, me too.” Faith found it odd, because when he said those three words, he sounded kind of down, and not too sincere. She didn’t know exactly what it was, but something seemed to be bothering him at that moment. That thought only held Faith’s attention for another second as she hung up the phone. Maybe there were really problems at home, but she wouldn’t let that get to her, because her man had finally bought her a ring, and was going to spring it on her tomorrow.

  Faith jumped around the room as she told herself she would, screaming, “Yes! Yes! Finally!” After thirty seconds of this, she stopped, her chest heaving, her legs a little weak. She flopped back onto the sofa, smiling widely, and extended her left arm in front of her, spreading out the fingers on that hand, and eyeing the ring finger, the ring Jayson had given her.

  “Don’t worry, little one,” she said, speaking to that finger. “You’ll be wearing the right ring from the right man come tomorrow.” She took a closer look at the rest of the fingers, and told herself, even though she had gotten a manicure only a few days ago, she needed to get another, so the ring would look just right.

  She threw her head back into the cushions of the couch, grabbed the one next to her, put it over her face as she writhed about, screaming joyfully into the pillow. After a while of that, she let the pillow fall from her face, the smile no longer there, but a deep, reflective look.

  This is really gonna happen, she thought. I’m really going to be Mrs. Faith Robinson. She thought about all the time she had had to wait, all she had had to endure, the nights when after she and Gary had made love, she knew he was going back to be with his wife and his children. All the times she was making love to him, when she was pleasuring him, and he was moaning her name, Faith had to ask herself, might he be thinking about his wife at that moment?

  She realized now that after Jayson had found out about Gary, he probably asked himself the same question about Faith. When he made love to her, was she really thinking about Gary? The answer to that was no. Jayson definitely did enough for her sexually that she didn’t have to think about anything else. She thought about that, and couldn’t stop herself again from thinking about how badly she had really treated Jayson. Nope, I’m not gonna do that, she told herself, kicking the thought out of her mind.

  “Not gonna let that ruin this moment.”

  For the rest of the night she didn’t think about Jayson anymore, although it was an effort. But the next evening, sitting there in her office, still ten minutes left on her clock till five, she couldn’t keep her behavior toward him out of her mind.

  She thought about him, and this time didn’t try to rid herself of the thought, but allowed it to enter her mind. They had shared some good times together, she had to admit. She leaned back in her executive chair some, allowing one of the memories to come to mind. Then all of a sudden, she leaned forward, and started going quickly through her desk drawers. After digging into the final bottom drawer, she pulled out a small, wooden frame with a snapshot inside. It was of Faith and Jayson, on the lakefront, near Oak Street Beach.

  It had been a beautiful warm night, and they were walking hand in hand, the tall buildings of downtown to their left, the calm, dark water of Lake Michigan to their right. It was well past 11 P.M. and they had been walking like that for at least an hour. They hadn’t said a word the entire time, just enjoyed the silence of each other’s company and the sounds of the city at night.

  An old man with baggy, tattered clothes, and a long, dirty beard walked toward them carrying an old Polaroid camera.

  “Take a picture of the sweethearts?” he asked, stepping in Faith’s and Jayson’s path.

  Faith had looked up at Jayson and smiled. “Want to?”

  “Sure,” Jayson said, digging into his pocket. “How much?”

  “Ten dollars,” the old man said, preparing his camera for an exposure.

  “Let’s make it five this time. Okay?” Jayson said, handing him the five-dollar bill.

  The man gladly took it, stuffed it into his pocket, then raised the camera up to his face.

  Faith and Jayson stood there in front of it, still holding hands.

  “Closer, c’mon,” the man said from behind the camera. “You do love each other, don’t you? Hug, kiss. Do something.”

  They both laughed, embarrassed, then moved closer to each other, face-to-face, placing their smiling lips upon each other in a kiss. Faith saw the quick, bright flash of light out the corner of her eye, heard the old man say to them, “Okay, that’s gonna be a good one,” but Jayson didn’t stop kissing her, and she didn’t want him to stop. She wrapped her arms around his waist, pulling him in closer, kissing him harder, and it was perfect. They had spent the entire day doing nothing in particular, just being around each other, but it was wonderful. And it all ended with this. This hug, this kiss, and at that moment, that very moment, Faith did know she loved Jayson. For whatever that was worth, she loved him. And there was a feeling of happiness inside her as they continued to kiss, but there were also underlying feelings of sadness. She knew one day Gary would do what he was supposed to. She knew one day she’d have to break Jayson’s heart, and this would all be over, but as he gently pulled away from her, smiling in her face, she just smiled back, and told herself just to think about that one moment she was living in, and nothing else.

  So she did really love him. Really, really love him, Faith said to herself, still sitting in her chair, staring at the snapshot. But she had always known that she just had to keep her feelings under control. It was hard though, seeing the man every day, spending at least three nights a week with him, and pretending that he was the only man in her life. And although her intentions were to always be with Gary, she saw Jayson more. Of the two relationships, it was more of a real one, so after a while, it was only natural for her to develop those feelings. There were even times during the relationship that Faith told herself, that if there was no Gary in the picture, she would’ve stayed with Jayson. No question about it.

  But there was a Gary, and there is a Gary, Faith thought, still sitting in her chair, still looking at the snapshot of her and Jayson.

  She had to do something. Faith set the framed picture on her desk and picked up her phone. He won’t want to listen to me, won’t want to hear this, but I have to tell him the truth, or at least some of it, she thought, dialing Jayson’s phone number.

  “Hello.” Faith heard Jayson’s voice, and it took her a minute to speak.

  “Jayson, it’s Faith.”

  “Faith. What … what are
you doing calling me? What do you want?”

  Faith noticed that he sounded very surprised to hear from her, but why shouldn’t he?

  “Jayson, I have some things to tell you. I haven’t been totally honest with you. I’ve treated you really bad, and I want to let you know why, and try to apologize to you again, but this time the right way.”

  “Faith, why are you doing this?” Jayson said.

  “What do you mean why am I doing this? Because I feel bad about how things ended between us. I thought about the times we had, and—”

  “No, Faith. It’s too late for apologies. You did what you did, and there’s no just saying I’m sorry, and—”

  “But, Jayson, I am. I know it doesn’t sound sincere, considering how you found me, but—”

  “No, it doesn’t sound sincere,” Jayson said, interrupting, refusing to listen to a word she had to say. “Why all of a sudden now? Why today of all days, this moment, do you want to call and try to set things straight?”

  “I don’t know, Jayson,” Faith said, pausing, remembering as much as she could of their good times together. “I just realized that for all we had between us, I shouldn’t have done you the way I did. So will you just let me tell you what I have to say?”

  “No, Faith. You can’t tell me anything. I don’t want to hear a word from you.”

  “But, Jayson, just—”

  “It’s too late for that. Goodbye, Faith,” he said, hanging up in her face.

  Faith heard the click, then the dial tone. She pulled the phone from her ear, stared at it as though it could’ve been malfunctioning, then slowly hung it up. That was kind of strange, she thought, knowing that normally he would’ve at least heard her out before he hung up on her. Something seemed to be wrong with him, she thought, or maybe he was just tired of her continuing to pester him, trying to redeem herself for something there was no redemption for. Whatever it was, Faith had to understand that however sorry she was about everything, if he didn’t want to hear it, it wouldn’t get heard.

  Faith took the snapshot of the two of them off the desk. It was something that she always kept in the drawer of her desk, only really taking it out and displaying it when she knew Jayson was coming to visit her. It was a prop, part of the play she was putting on. But on occasion, she’d take it out just to stare at it, and fondly remember that night like she was doing that very moment. But that all had ended now, even the memories, Faith thought, reaching behind her, and dropping the picture into the wastebasket.

  She looked at the clock, and it was a few minutes after five. She shifted her attention back to thinking of Gary, to thinking about the surprise ring he had gotten her, was going to give her as soon as she got home.

  Faith took her purse, got up from her desk, put on her jacket, shut off the lights, and walked out of the office, locking the door behind her. A moment later, she was unlocking the door, opening it, and turning on the light again. She walked over to the wastepaper basket, pulled the picture of her and Jayson out of the trash, as if she just made a simple mistake by tossing it there in the first place. She opened the drawer she had taken it from, put it back in, at the bottom, under papers and folders, then shut the lights off again, walked out of the office, and locked the door.

  38

  No, I can’t hear that, I thought while Faith was trying to come clean to me on the phone a moment ago. Why was she telling me this now? Why was she trying to be honest the day that I was planning on getting revenge against her?

  “What the fuck was that!” I said, aloud, pacing back and forth across my living room floor.

  How was I supposed to react? What was I supposed to do? Was I expected to accept her apology, allow her to continue on with her life, guilt-free? Is that what she thought? Fuck no!

  But how much of the truth was she going to tell me, I thought, halting my pacing, digging the fingers of both my hands into my scalp. Was she going to tell me everything, or was she going to just say enough to make her cheating on me seem justified? Probably the latter, but she did go as far as to call. For a second time. She was rid of me, and she had known that, but she called me anyway, even after still thinking that that clown Gary was going to marry her.

  “Fuck!” I yelled as loud as I could, knowing that I couldn’t go through with what I had planned. I had to abort this crap somehow, because although I still felt she deserved it, I could no longer do it to her. She showed remorse, and it sounded genuine, and there was no way I could knowingly hurt her after hearing that. Hell, I still loved her, right?

  I raced over to the phone, punched redial, and waited for her to answer. After the third ring, her voice mail picked up. “Hi, this is Faith …”

  I hung up the phone, looking at the clock. She had gone for the day. I picked up the phone and dialed her cell phone.

  “C’mon, c’mon, Faith. Pick up the freakin’ phone,” I said. I wasn’t going to tell her what was going on, what I had planned for her. I would’ve just come up with a diversion, an excuse for her not to go home just yet. All right. Meet me for coffee, and we can talk about it some more, I would’ve said. I would’ve kept her there as long as possible. Gary would’ve been fucking his little heart out over at her place, and when he and the escort were both finished, and tired of sitting around staring awkwardly at each other, they would’ve left, and everything would’ve been cool.

  The cell phone continued to ring, but who was I kidding? I told Gary to give her the impression that he had her engagement ring. Why would she ever postpone receiving that from the man she loved and wanted to marry, to have coffee with the man she dumped?

  “I’m sorry I can’t take your call right now …”

  “Shit!” I said, hanging up on Faith’s cell phone. “Fine time to have your cell off, Faith,” I said, grabbing for my keys and going for the door. I had to get to her place before she did. She could’ve only been gone a few minutes, and even though I was farther away from her house than she was, if I really pushed it, I could beat her. I had to.

  I drove the car like a madman, speeding down residential side streets to avoid heavy traffic on the main avenues. I blew through two stop signs, almost ran over a soccer ball that some kids kicked in the path of my car, came close to hitting a dog, and would’ve gotten a ticket for running another stop sign if I hadn’t seen the police car parked down the street. After all that, I headed for the main street that I knew would be fairly clear and take me to Faith’s house. I kept my eye on the clock as I forced the gas pedal as far down as I thought I could get away with, and dialed Faith’s cell phone at the same time. Still her voice mail, but the clock said, only 5:21 P.M. I was making spectacular time. There was no way that Faith could’ve beaten me to her place, unless she was driving just as wildly as I was.

  I whipped around the last corner, putting me on her block, relieved I had beaten her, and that none of what I put in motion would actually happen. I continued down the block, slowing some. All of a sudden, just one door down from Faith’s house, I slammed on the brakes, not believing I was seeing her backside slipping through the front door of her house and closing it behind her. My eyes quickly landed on the garage, and I saw the rolling door lower itself the final inch, closing completely. She had gotten there just moments before me.

  “Dammit!” I yelled, throwing both fists down on the steering wheel.

  39

  Faith turned the key, but the lock wouldn’t respond. Damn old key, Faith cursed, jiggling the key in the lock. Of all days the lock had to be jammed, it had to be today, she thought, wanting to explode with excitement. She felt that way all the way home, taking every shortcut she knew, speeding faster than she ever had before.

  She just kept seeing Gary’s face, kept seeing him as he reached into his pocket, lowered himself to one knee, pulled out that tiny blue, velvet box. And then she heard his voice, saying the sweetest words a woman could ever hear.

  “Will you marry me?” Those words echoed in her head all the way home, and she answered him a zilli
on times. “Yes. Yes. Yes!” And they kissed, and they made love like they never had before, and now she was stuck outside her own house, jiggling this damn key, ready to just say screw it, and kick the door down if it didn’t work on the next try. But then it finally turned, and as she pushed that door open, she knew that she was opening the door to her new life.

  A new life where there would be sounds of a man and woman moaning in what sounded like exquisite pain. A new life where in her living room, on her sofa, the back of a woman’s body was positioned toward Faith, her huge, round ass rising and dropping, up and down the length of some man’s pole. She didn’t know who that man was, couldn’t see him from behind that very busy woman, but he was grabbing both sides of that woman’s butt cheeks, and pulling them apart, trying to send himself as far up in her as possible.

  Faith stumbled some, still holding on to the door, thinking that maybe, just maybe this was the wrong house. That’s why the key didn’t work at first, and it was possible that she jiggled it so much that the neighbor’s door just opened, and as soon as they turned around, Faith was going to be so embarrassed, but Ted, her neighbor was really going to be embarrassed, because he was married, and Faith could see just by the size of the woman’s butt that was shooting up and down his thang, that that wasn’t Lauren, his wife.

  But something pulled Faith out of that dream world she was in, and it was the sound of Ted’s voice.

  “Oh, baby,” he said, and for some damn, strange reason, it sounded a little like Gary’s voice. And then he said it again, and again, and with each time he said it, he grabbed that woman’s behind harder. This wasn’t Ted’s voice, Faith realized, the corners of her mouth already starting to quiver with the fear that she knew exactly who it was on that couch.