Love Frustration

by RM Johnson

  42

  It had been ten days since the day in the car when Angie told Asha they could no longer see each other. She hadn’t called Asha, and definitely hadn’t been back to the spa, because she knew if she saw the girl again, she might have wanted to go to her, hug her, apologize for what she had said to her, take her hand, pull her into the little massage room, and try to make love to her right there. But she couldn’t do that. She had made a decision, and even though the decision was based on what her son needed, and not herself, she had to stick to it.

  Since she had broken up with Asha, Angie had been quite grumpy, and things at home hadn’t been right. Life in general felt like it was just lacking something lately. This had nothing to do with her son Kyle; they were fine as always. But Angie found herself examining Deric a little harder. When he came to bed the other night, wearing no shirt, just his boxer shorts, Angie noticed that he was looking a little soft around the middle. She didn’t say anything, just lay there on her side of the bed, because she wasn’t sure if he had recently loosened up some there, or if he had always been that way, and she was just now noticing.

  He crawled into bed, moved very close to her, and leaned over, puckering to give her a kiss. Angie gave him a quick peck on the cheek, reached over, and turned her bedside lamp off, then lay back down. She remained that way for a moment, her eyes wide open, looking up into the dark space before her, feeling one of Deric’s arms and one of his feet pushing against her. This is a queen-size bed, Angie thought, why did he have to be so damn close to me all the time? She scooted away from him some to the edge of the bed, and when both the bed and blanket ran out, because he was hogging them, as he normally did, she realized that she was just damn tired of it.

  Angie sat up, leaned over, turning the lamp back on, and looked down at Deric.

  “What?” he said, opening his eyes, the covers pulled up to just below his chest, a great deal of the blanket tucked firmly under his body.

  “Look at all that space you have over there, and all the covers you got. What, are you expecting company? You saving that space for somebody?”

  Deric looked at the space on the other side of him, and saw that almost a third of the mattress was there, empty beside him. He smiled sheepishly. “Sorry,” he said, then scooted over some, relinquishing most of the blanket. He settled back in, rolling about a moment, making himself comfortable, then closed his eyes. But when the lamp didn’t go off, he opened them again.

  “What’s up?”

  Angie was still sitting up beside him, looking down at him, like he had borrowed something from her years ago, and had forgotten to return it. “Well,” she said, “I don’t mind you sleeping in here with me most of the time, but every now and then, I wouldn’t mind sleeping by myself.”

  “What?” Deric said, sitting up.

  “Yeah. I mean, I never really invited you to sleep with me. You just came in here one night, and you’ve been coming in here ever since. Like I said, I don’t mind, but I’d like to feel my own bed, my whole bed, once in a while.”

  “Oh, so you don’t mind me sleeping with you,” Deric said, taking offense.

  “No I don’t, but—”

  “I know, but sometimes you want to have the bed to yourself. Is this one of those times?”

  Normally Angie would’ve said, hey, forget about it, not wanting to hurt his feelings. But lately she’d been feeling particularly edgy, so she said, “Yeah. This is one of those times.”

  Deric threw back the covers, stepped his marshmallow-middled self out of the bed, and stood there, his hands on his hips, as if he was about to make a speech. “Cool. There, you have your whole bed.” And then he walked away. Short speech.

  The next morning at breakfast, Deric had just as much to say to Kyle as he always did, but had not one word for Angie. The three of them were sitting there at the table, Deric asking, “So, Kyle, how did you sleep? Kyle, what are you going to learn in school today? And make sure you’re a good boy today, Kyle.” Deric wouldn’t even look Angie’s way.

  When they were all finished with breakfast, Deric removed his plate, and Kyle’s, but left Angie’s there in front of her.

  “Okay, Kyle. Daddy’s got to leave for work, but I’ll see you when I get home.”

  It was what he said to her son every morning, but when Angie heard that this time, she wanted to interrupt. She wanted to say, “Kyle, don’t believe that shit. That man’s not your father, never was, and never will be.” But she just lifted her coffee mug and took a swallow to stop the words from coming out.

  Deric kissed Kyle on the head, grabbed his briefcase, walked right past Angie without looking down at her, without saying a word. She didn’t turn around to look at him. She just heard the door open, heard it close, and that was it.

  Later that day, when she was on her way home, Kyle in the backseat, the phone rang. It was the same time it always rang, and she thought of not answering it, but why should she deprive her son of hearing from Deric, just because he was acting like an asshole, and she was pissed at him.

  When she picked up the phone, it wasn’t him, but her friend Chanda, calling to see if the shoes she had ordered last week had arrived. Angie told her they had, and quickly got off the phone, expecting Deric to call any minute, but he didn’t. He didn’t call at all. So now he wanted to play games, Angie thought. Cool. Fine with her. She’d have a long talk with Mr. Deric when he came in that evening. But then evening turned into night, night turned to late night, and late night into early morning.

  It was 12:48 A.M when Angie heard Deric’s SUV pull into the driveway. It didn’t wake her up, because she had been sitting up, watching the last red number on her alarm clock continue to advance after each minute that passed.

  Angie thought of quickly clicking off the lamp and rolling over, pulling the covers over her, as if she had been asleep. But hell no, she thought. She had been waiting up for him, and she wanted him to know that. She wanted him to know how angry she was for him just disappearing like that, for her having to come up with lies to satisfy Kyle every time he asked, “Where’s Daddy? When’s Daddy coming home?” Which happened to be about a thousand times.

  So Angie sat there, the blankets just below her waist, staring angrily at the bedroom door, waiting for it to open, so she could let that man have a piece of her mind. She heard the downstairs door open, and after a few minutes, she heard Deric come up the stairs. Angie was getting herself ready, her speech prepared for him when he opened the door, but he never did. It was a five full minutes after he had come up the stairs, and he had not come into the bedroom. She knew he didn’t go into the bathroom, because she would’ve heard that door close, water running, whatever.

  Angie slowly crawled out of bed, and walked to the door. She opened it, walking into the hallway, and at the other end of the hallway, she saw the thin strip of light coming from beneath the door down there. It was the guest room that Deric used to stay in when he wasn’t sleeping with Angie, and it was the room that Angie had relegated him to last night.

  She marched down the hallway, knocked on the door.

  “It’s open,” Deric said.

  Angie pushed the door open, walked in, her hands on her hips.

  “What the hell is going on?”

  Deric was hanging up his suit in the closet. “What does it look like? I’m getting ready to go to bed. My bed. Remember, you kicked me out of yours,” he said, not stepping out of the closet to speak to her.

  “I’m not talking about what’s going on just now. I’m talking about the whole damn day, since this morning. Ignoring me like I’m some stranger at breakfast, not calling after I got off work like you always do, and now walking in here at …” Angie turned to look at the clock that sat on the dresser, “… at twelve fifty-six in the morning.”

  “Well, Angie,” Deric said, stepping out of the closet in a T-shirt, and boxers, “I’m surprised you noticed any of that. Over the last couple of weeks it seemed that I’ve been doing nothing but getti
ng in your way. It felt like you didn’t want me around. You half assed said two words to me, you were constantly nit-picking, and it all came to a head last night when you threw me out of your bed. Hell, I figured if I was gone three days, it wouldn’t have made you a difference,” he said, sarcastically.

  “It wouldn’t have. I was talking about Kyle,” Angie said sharply, knowing she shouldn’t have said it after the words had left her lips, because it wasn’t what she really meant.

  Deric gave her a cold, hard look. “I see,” he said, and then made a quick line for the dresser, pulled out a pair of blue jeans, and looked like he was about to pull them on.

  “Deric, no. I didn’t mean that,” Angie said, walking over to him.

  “Then why did you say it?”

  “Because I’m angry. I tell you I need a little space one night, so you get angry, and don’t just take it out on me, but on Kyle too.”

  “I told you, for almost two weeks now, you’ve been getting your space. You’ve been zoned out, damn near every minute of the day. I’ll ask you what’s wrong with you, and you’ll either lie and say nothing, or you’ll bite my head off for always asking.”

  That was because Asha was always on her mind during those times, and when she looked at Deric, she would’ve so much preferred it to have been Asha standing, or sitting there, asking her what was wrong. But she was too much of a coward to do what it took to make that a reality, so she was disappointed in herself, and she directed the anger it caused toward Deric.

  “But did you have to take it out on Kyle?” Angie said, stopping herself from further thinking of Asha. “Did you have to not call, come home so late, not even early enough to tell him good night?”

  “Angie,” Deric said, draping his jeans across the open dresser drawer. “Have you ever thought that maybe I needed a little space myself? Have you ever thought that maybe there were some things on my mind that I would’ve liked to think about. No. Hell no. I’m always calling while you’re on the way home from picking up Kyle, because I’m always offering to fix dinner, to do for him, to do for you. Maybe, I may have, for once, needed something. I’m always here, good ole’ fucking Deric, and what the hell do I get for it? Thrown out of the damn bed.”

  “Deric, don’t you think you’re going a little overboard with this? I just asked to sleep in my bed alone one night because you were hogging the covers. What’s the big damn deal?”

  “What’s the big deal? What’s the big damn deal?” Deric said stepping right in front of Angie. “The big deal is that I have no say and no security. Today you don’t want me in the bed because I hog the covers. What is it tomorrow, the bathroom, because I leave the seat up? Will it be the kitchen because I don’t dry the dishes completely before I put them away? Or how about when you just get tired of walking in any one of the rooms in this house, seeing me there, will you throw me out of the entire house, Angie? Because it is yours. You can do that.”

  “Deric, no,” Angie said, although that thought had been bouncing around in her mind over the last two weeks. “Of course not.”

  “And what about Kyle?”

  “What about him?” Angie said, feeling defensive all of a sudden.

  “I love him. You know that. I love him like a son.”

  “And he loves you like a father.”

  “That’s the problem,” Deric said. “The like part. He’s not my son. I’m not his father. Technically, we’re nothing to each other but good friends.”

  “That’s not true. You two love each other. You’re more than that,” Angie said.

  “Technically. Legally,” Deric said, a very serious look on his face, “we’re not.”

  “What point are you trying to make, Deric?”

  “What if something happens to you? What if you get hit by a car or something? What happens to Kyle? He sure as hell doesn’t come to me. Like a father doesn’t stand up in court.”

  “You’re catastrophizing, Deric. What if something happens to you? What if something happens to all of us?”

  “Okay, how about a more likely event,” Deric said. “I’m investing myself completely into Kyle, say one day you get tired of me, no longer want me in your life, what happens to me and Kyle then?”

  Angie didn’t say anything, couldn’t say anything, because although she knew that was a possibility, and of late, a potential probability, she had never thought he would’ve considered that.

  “What are you talking about? That’s foolishness.”

  “Is it, Angie?”

  There was a slight hesitation on her part, and then she said, “Yeah. I mean… just come out with it, Deric. What are you getting at?”

  “Angie, we’ve been doing this for a little while now, and you know I love you. But for me to continue to do this, I’ll need some sort of commitment from you, so I know that my life with you and Kyle is secure, and not just subject to how you feel from day to day.”

  Angie couldn’t believe what she was hearing. This man was giving her an ultimatum. “What are you talking about, marriage?”

  “That,” Deric said, nodding his head. “And allowing me to adopt Kyle.”

  “Marriage,” Angie said cautiously, as if the idea wasn’t the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. She knew she had to take it easy with how she proceeded, because she still wanted Deric around, he did serve a purpose for both her and Kyle, but she definitely wasn’t going to marry him, or have him claim her child. “I’m not ready for marriage, and I think your relationship with Kyle is just fine the way it is. Why do you want to—”

  But before Angie could finish with what she was saying, Deric was slipping on his jeans, tucking his T-shirt into them, and slipping on a pair of loafers.

  “I knew you’d say that,” Deric said. “But I know that you may not be thinking straight because this came to you as a surprise. So I’ll give you a couple of days to think about it.” He reached back into the closet and grabbed a jacket, threw it on.

  “You know I want the answer to be yes, but if it’s not, I’ll understand, and I’ll have my things packed and out of here in two days.” He turned to go.

  “Where are you going?” Angie said.

  “I don’t know,” he said, his hand on the doorknob. “But I’ll be back in time to have breakfast with you and Kyle in the morning. I don’t want to disappoint him twice.”

  He walked out the door, closing it behind him, leaving Angie in the room by herself to think about what he had just asked her. But instead of thinking of Deric’s proposal like she should’ve been, her mind was on how this turn of events might possibly affect her and Asha.

  43

  When I walked into Faith’s house I found Faith on her knees, sobbing, rocking back and forth, mumbling something. I stood in front of her for a moment unnoticed, before she looked up and saw me. She covered her face with both her hands, turning away from me on her knees, toward a corner, trying to wipe her face, before looking back at me.

  I got down on my knees, moved close to her, and put my arm around her. Faith jumped at first, as if she was afraid of my touch, but I didn’t move my arm, and she just let it stay.

  “Faith, what’s wrong? What happened?” I asked, as if I had no idea.

  She didn’t speak, just continued wiping at her face, sniffling, and trying to pull herself together. When she finally did, she turned to me with puffy, bloodshot eyes and a pink nose, and asked, “What are you doing here?”

  I was prepared for that question, had readied myself for it on the way up the steps. “After I got off the phone with you, I realized how rude it was not to accept your apology. I tried calling you back on your cell, but it was off, and there was no answer here, so I thought I’d come by and wait for you,” I said, wiping a final tear off her cheek. “I wanted to tell you that I accept your apology.”

  Faith shook her head, pulling her face away from my hand. “No, Jayson. You shouldn’t do that.”

  “Why not?”

  Faith pulled herself up from the floor, and
walked toward the screen door. She looked out of it, probably checking to see if Gary had really gone, if he had really left for good. Then she closed the big door and walked back past me, into the living room.

  “Because I don’t deserve for you to accept my apology. I shouldn’t be forgiven,” she said, turning to face me.

  “You mind telling me why not?”

  “Do you mind sitting down? It’s gonna take a while.”

  I sat, and she sat across from me. She placed her palms together, as if in prayer, tapping her fingertips against her lips. She closed her eyes, exhaled deeply, probably recounting all that she was about to tell me. Seconds later, she dropped her hands, looked at me, and said, “This is what happened, Jayson.”

  She told me everything, and I reacted as if I hadn’t heard all of this before from Karen, responded as if I hadn’t known any of the players: Gary, his wife Lottie, or his two sons. I was surprised, but she was thoroughly honest with me. Everything she said jibed with what Karen told me, and what I’d found out from Gary. She finished by saying, “And the last thing he said was, don’t bother going to his wife, because they were moving to another city.” Faith looked at me sadly. “He never had any intention of marrying me.” Then she said, as if to herself, “What a complete fool I’ve been.”

  And now she knew exactly how I felt, and although I was sorry for her in a way, I felt some satisfaction knowing that she could finally relate to what I had been through.

  “Now I know how you must’ve felt, hunh?” Faith said, seeming to try to find some humor in it all.

  “So you did all that for him?” I said, ignoring the comment she’d just made. “You spent all that time with me, pretended to want to marry me, pretended to love me, just to make him jealous?”

  “Jayson,” Faith said, getting up from her seat across from me and sitting beside me placing a hand on my knee. “It wasn’t all pretend. We were together for a year. How could it have been?”