Before It's Love

by Michelle Pennington

  Holding my breath, I prayed he wasn’t about to rip me to shreds as I’d heard him do to others.

  “It’s not perfect, but she did a gesture drawing exactly the way I’ve been trying to get the rest of you to do. She used the whole page and as she drew, her entire body was involved. You can’t channel the energy and movement of a pose if you are just drawing with your hand. Look, you can see the life in the simple strokes and she caught the feeling, the weight, the presence. Now go home and figure out how you’re going to come back to class on Wednesday and draw like this.”

  I was at once euphoric and embarrassed as I put my paper away and stacked my drawing horse against the wall with the others. I hesitated to meet anybody’s eyes, afraid of what I might see in them. But I couldn’t help the bounce in my step as I swung my backpack on and headed out to my Psychology class.

  For the next hour, I felt as though my heart was going to float right up into the air. All I wanted to do was talk to someone about it.

  When class was over, I walked briskly down the sidewalk that led back to the art building, enjoying the cool breeze on my face. I texted my mom, but didn’t get a response. I could text Natalie or Beth, but neither of them would get what I was so excited about. I only considered Nick for three seconds. He’d never cared much about my art, and…there was a gaping disconnect between us.

  A pang of aloneness struck me as I went to the janitor’s closet to get a scraper and start work for the day. Maybe a couple of hours attacking the paint on the studio floor would help me refocus.

  Then I heard footsteps behind me and I turned to see Jake walking towards me. He had a huge grin on his face. “I hear you kicked butt in figure drawing today.”

  I smiled back at him, basking in the warmth of his excitement. Overwhelmed by having someone who understood, I leapt forward and threw my arms around him in a hug. With my arms looped around his neck, I tightened my hold, pulling him down to me so I could squeeze him tighter.

  For a few seconds, he stayed there, bent towards me, not moving, but returning the hug. “I’m not sure what’s going on, but don’t stop,” he whispered

  My body hummed in tune with my heart, but now with a whole new set of emotions—dangerous and amazing ones. The air around us changed, crackling with energy. His chest felt so solid against mine, and his lips were so very close.

  “Jake,” I said in a half plea, half question.

  He sighed and pushed me gently away. “I know.”

  When he turned to walk away, I grabbed his arm. “I’m sorry. It meant a lot to me to share my little victory with someone. I didn’t mean to get carried away.”

  Jake nodded and smiled gently, though the fire in his eyes said his feelings were far from calm. “If you ever want to really get carried away, let me know.”

  He strode away down the hall as if he had to put as much distance between us as he could, as quickly as possible. I stared after him, wondering how to get rid of the dang-blasted euphoria surging through my heart.

  ***

  Later that night, I decided to take my mind off Jake by hanging one of my finished paintings up in the living room. It was the pretty, sun-filled landscape I’d painted at Irma’s. It had won her approval, so it had to be good enough to hang on the wall. I’d just pushed some tacks into the wall across from the couch when Natalie came in.

  She hung up her keys, dropped her purse, and kicked off her heels like she did every time she came home. “Man, I’m glad to see the end of that day. How about you?”

  “I had an awesome day, actually,” I said, hoping she wouldn’t ask for details. If she did, I’d have to stick to my drawing class victory. There was no way I could tell her about the hug.

  After feeling the way I did in Jake’s arms, I knew Nick and I were over. I had nothing warm left inside me for him. Breaking up was just a scary formality I had to get through. But Nick wasn’t the only obstacle between me and Jake. I had no idea what to do about Natalie.

  If only I was brave enough to talk to her about Jake, but the words, “Natalie, we’re both crushing on the same guy” wouldn’t come out.

  While I was writhing with unsaid words and indecision, Natalie ate a piece of chocolate. “You know,” she said, her voice thick, “I’m surprised you aren’t out with Nick. He said he had the night off.”

  Before I could answer, the front door opened and Beth came in, carrying plastic shopping bags. She looked between us as she dropped them on the counter. “I hope you two aren’t busy tonight. I rented a movie and got way too much junk food to eat alone.”

  “Did you have a bad day too?” Natalie asked, leaning back against the counter and crossing her arms.

  “The worst. I bombed a calculus test today and broke two fingernails trying to pry the case off my phone. I dropped it in the sink while I was washing my hands so I needed to dry it off before the water got inside. I’m scared to turn it back on until I put it in rice for a while. And the kicker is, I was hoping Brandon would call me tonight.”

  “Impressive,” I said. “Who’s Brandon?”

  “A super cute guy who goes to the University of Arkansas.”

  Natalie stood up suddenly. “I’m not in the mood to talk about guys. I’m going to shower and go to bed early.”

  Beth spun and grabbed her arm. “You’re not getting out of this. Go shower if you want, but we’re having a girls’ night. Even if we have to do it on your bed.”

  Sighing, Natalie said, “Whatever. Give me a little while.”

  When she disappeared upstairs, I sat on one of the bar stools while Beth unpacked her bags. She dropped candy, chips, dip and ice cream on the counter.

  “Are you sure this is a good idea?” I asked.

  “Sure. A little indigestion never hurt anyone.”

  I raised an eyebrow and she sighed as she tore open a bag of miniature candy bars and handed me one. “Look, let’s enjoy a night together while we’re all still friends.”

  I shifted uncomfortably. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Beth chewed on her chocolate for a second, then said, “Regardless of what happens between you and Jake, Natalie is clearly figuring out that she and Jake aren’t going to happen.”

  Bracing my elbows on the counter, I buried my face in my hands. “Why is this happening?”

  Beth grabbed my arm and shook it gently until I looked at her, then said, “If Jake and Natalie were meant for each other, they would have gotten together a long time before you got here. But they didn’t, and she’s wasted too much time on him. Maybe if Jake isn’t available, she’ll get over him and move on.”

  The front door opened again and Renee came in. “You guys having a party?” she asked, seeing all the food on the counter.

  “No, we’re having a girls’ night. Want to join us?”

  Renee shook her head and flashed a gloating smile. “Nope. I have plans.”

  “Too bad,” Beth said, not sounding a bit sorry.

  By the time Natalie came downstairs wearing pajamas, Renee was on her way out again. “Don’t wait up for me,” she said, casting me another glance. Which was totally weird since she’d basically ignored my existence since the first week I’d moved in.

  Beth watched her leave with a frown. I just shook my head and said, “Forgive me for not missing her.”

  Natalie was busy winding her long, wet hair into a bun on top of her head. “So, what are we doing? Watching a chick flick? Or something truly juvenile like playing truth or dare?”

  Tugging on my pony tail, Beth said, “We could play with Lauren’s hair. Maybe some highlights?”

  “No way,” I said.

  “Let’s chop it all off,” Beth suggested. “A pixie cut would look cute on her.”

  Natalie tapped her finger against her mouth, thinking. “How about a perm?”

  I shook a finger at them. “You guys are not touching my hair.”

  Natalie grabbed a bag of chips and flopped down on the couch. “Personally, I don’t care what we do b
esides eat. I find that I don’t give a flipping care about my figure at the moment.”

  “Why’s that?” Beth asked, sitting across from her, but meeting my eyes across the room.

  Dropping the bag of chips on the ground, Natalie sat up. “Okay, so you both know I’m in love with Jake, right?”

  Wait…She was in love with him?

  But Beth nodded and Natalie continued, “At first, we were flirting and dating. I thought we were really clicking. But lately, it’s almost like he’s avoiding me. What do you think, Lauren? I mean, you guys are friends, right?”

  I nodded, but my brain stumbled with what to say. “I don’t know. But he’d be crazy not to like you,” I said. At least that was honest. Even in full-on slob mode, Natalie was more gorgeous than I was at my best.

  Natalie nodded as if this was obvious. “You know what I think it is? I think he’s afraid of commitment and when our relationship verged on getting serious he freaked out. That’s why he said what he did Monday night.”

  “What did he say?” Beth asked.

  She shrugged. “We were arguing about your game, and he said he thought it was stupid that I asked how many kids he wanted someday because I’d never need to know that.”

  I locked eyes with Beth, but then Natalie started crying and we looked at her in shock.

  “What am I going to do?” Natalie asked, though it was hard to understand through her sobs.

  She pulled her knees close to her chest and cried into them. How do you comfort a girl who’s crying over the guy you have feelings for too? Put an arm around her and say, “I know how you feel?” Except, I was positive Jake did have feelings for me. Natalie would be even more heartbroken if she found out.

  It was too much. I couldn’t handle this.

  Then Natalie sat up and looked at both of us with big, red eyes. “Well, I’m not giving up. You’ll help me won’t you?”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Jake

  Going to the dance tonight was probably the worst idea I’d ever had.

  Natalie invited me weeks ago, and it took all my diplomacy to agree to go, but not as her date. The truth was, as soon as I heard Lauren was going, I made up my mind to be there. If I could have one dance with Lauren—put my arms around her—it would be worth every other minute of torture.

  The dance was being held in the Union, and it was packed with people. I immediately looked for Lauren but found Beth first since she stood out in a garish, orange dress. Lauren stood next to her in a royal blue dress and heels that made her look as tall as Nick. Since he was nearby, talking to someone, dancing with her was going to be tricky.

  Exhaling my frustrations, both with the evening and my own stupidity, I walked over to the refreshment table and got a handful of cookies.

  A sweet voice I was too familiar with spoke behind me. “So many pretty girls here and you head straight for the food?”

  I turned and smiled at Lauren. “Yeah, well, snickerdoodles are a lot less complicated. But you’d think that for twenty bucks a ticket, they’d serve something fancier.”

  “They wouldn’t make as much money then.”

  “I guess not.”

  “I’m surprised you’re here.”

  Raising my eyebrows, I asked, “Why?”

  “Oh, because you’re a teacher, and these are all students.”

  I shrugged. “But I doubt any of them are my students.”

  She lifted her chin and studied my face. “Is that the rule?”

  “Who knows. The rules are as clear as mud.”

  Her lips parted as if she was going to speak, then she bit her bottom lip and just kept looking at me. The opening notes of a slow song oozed through the speakers.

  “Isn’t that your cue to go find Nick?” I asked.

  Her shoulders tensed. “I think the less Nick and I dance tonight, the better.” Then, without giving me a chance to ask what the heck she was talking about, she picked up a cup of lemonade and headed back to her group of friends.

  An odd feeling swirled in my chest. It might have been hope, but it felt more like worry. As much as I wanted Lauren to break things off with Nick, I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty when she did.

  I strolled over to an empty chair against the wall, hoping the shadows and my cookies would protect me from anybody who might want to dance. Unfortunately, neither stopped Natalie. I knew she was in the room somewhere, but I had no idea she’d seen me until she appeared from my right, holding out her hand.

  “Dance with me?”

  “Sure, but let me finish this,” I said, showing her my last cookie.

  Natalie reached out and snatched it from my fingers. She dropped it on a chair and said, “Come on.”

  As she pulled me, literally, out to the dance floor, I wondered what it would take for her to realize I wasn’t interested. The loose grip of my hand? Looking around instead of meeting her eyes? Making zero effort at conversation? I didn’t want to be a jerk. Maybe it would be kinder to just tell her I wasn’t interested.

  “You look nice,” she said.

  Since I’d worn nothing but slacks and a collared shirt, I doubted I looked much different than I did at work every day. But fine. I would be polite. “Thanks. So do you.”

  “I love this song,” she prompted again.

  I tilted my head, listening to it. For the first time, I actually noticed the song, My Endless Love. Was she giving me a message? “Yeah, it’s all right. I’m not a big fan of eighties music.”

  Looking over Natalie’s shoulder, I saw that Lauren was dancing with Nick, looking more uncomfortable than me, if that was possible. Interesting.

  She must have sensed me looking at her because her unseeing gaze sharpened and focused on me. As our eyes met, my heart pounded from the connection. Then Lauren’s eyes shifted to Natalie, and she looked down, her lips pulling down into a frown. I wanted to drop my arms and step back, tell her there was nothing between Natalie and me. But she knew that.

  I might have gone on trying to catch her attention again, but Nick turned and his shoulder blocked her from my sight.

  Looking down again, I said, “Natalie, we should talk.”

  “Yes?”

  “I like having you as a friend.”

  Her eyes narrowed and her spine stiffened against my palm. I felt it even though I was touching her as lightly as possible. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I don’t want to hurt you, but I think you want more from me than I can give.”

  An angry, hurt expression was my only warning before she stepped back and spun away from me, weaving her way through the dancers around us. I let my arms fall to my side and ran my fingers through my hair before I followed after her.

  “You’re an idiot,” Beth said to me as I passed her. “Why’d you do this now?” Only then did I realize she’d been dancing next to us with some guy.

  “Would there ever be a good time to do it?” I called back to her.

  I walked around the halls, enjoying the break from the loud music. If I wasn’t out here chasing down a hurt girl that I didn’t want to find, I would have enjoyed it more. Unfortunately, just as I passed an alcove near the bathrooms, a movement caught my attention.

  No one else was around, so I turned and walked over to investigate. Sure enough, it was Natalie, wiping her face with a tissue. I leaned against the wall and crossed my arms. “I’m sorry, Natalie. I shouldn’t have said that while we were dancing in there.”

  Her arms were crossed in front of her chest, which rose and fell with her deep breaths. Shadows and light played over her white skin, and the artist in me realized she looked beautiful and more fragile than I’d ever seen her, but my heart was too full of someone else to be enticed.

  “It’s Lauren, isn’t it?” she asked, her voice tight.

  Was there any point in hiding it? “Yeah.”

  “Why?”

  That one was even harder to answer. “Does it matter? You and I aren’t right for each other.”

&n
bsp; She stepped closer. “I disagree, and I’m not giving up. Lauren is with Nick. I’m willing to wait till you move on.”

  “I wish you wouldn’t. My feelings aren’t going to change.”

  “You don’t know that,” she said, staring hard at me before she moved to leave.

  I stepped back and let her pass, then slowly walked back to the dance. My nerves were stretched tight, and I decided to dance with Lauren once and go home. I didn’t want to rub it in Natalie’s face any more than that, but I was determined that one good thing would come from tonight.

  Lauren stood next to Nick while he laughed over something his friend was saying. She looked miserable. Waiting for the beginning of a new song, I leaned against the wall and crossed my arms, my eyes never wavering from her.

  Beth came and leaned next to me with her hands behind her back. “Want to talk about it?”

  “I think you’ve basically got it all figured out.”

  “Is Natalie okay?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “Why are you even here?”

  The song ended then and I straightened. “For one thing.”

  In the moment of quiet between songs, I walked to Lauren. My heart hammered violently. I reached out and took her hand. She looked up, not a bit surprised to see who was touching her. “Dance with me?”

  She didn’t speak, or nod, she just followed. I looked back over my shoulder as I led her to the other side of the room, watching carefully to see if Nick noticed. He glanced to the side once, but when he didn’t see her, he shrugged and went back to his conversation. The tension in my shoulders relaxed. This moment was ours.

  I’d danced with more girls than I could remember, but never had pulling a girl to me felt so intoxicating. With my arms around her waist, all the frustrated tension curling through me eased away. Every sensor in my skin went on overdrive and the slightest movement between us was amplified with meaning—the flutter of her fingers at the back of my neck, the tilt of her chin as she looked up at me, the slight lowering of her lashes.

  But as perfect as dancing with her was, I didn’t smile. Because she wasn’t mine.

  As the song ended, the last chords fading away, we didn’t make a move to separate. Her fingers slid from my neck to trace the seam of my shirt at the shoulder. I could feel her reluctance in the caress. My own brain was too fuzzy to care much if we looked like idiots still holding each other. And then like a reprieve, the next song started, another slow love song. I pulled her closer, taking back the few inches she’d put between us.