Losing Logan

by Sherry Ficklin

  Lucy sits forward, taking a sip from a very tall, very whipped creamed coffee drink. Her wide eyes and overall jitteriness is almost comical.

  “Hey, I’m so excited to meet up! I can’t wait for this year, so many fun things going on! We have prom and Homecoming and the decade dances—“

  Leena silences her. “Yeah. That’s great. Can we get to the point? Some of us have lives?”

  I lower my chin and stare at her. This is the point where I normally call Leena a worthless waste of skin bobble head and tell her to leave. She’s staring at me like she expects the insult and has prepared some kind of clever comeback. I glance over, looking for Logan but he’s gone.

  Shame. He’s going to miss this.

  “I understand Leena, and I’m sorry to pull you away. I just wanted to get together and figure out what our schedules are like, when we can schedule our regular meetings, and to set the date and theme for Homecoming so I can get the Dance Committee going on it.”

  Leena frowns. Yep, she had some snappy retort planned and I’d ruined her surprise. Poor Leena.

  She finally flicks her long brown hair over her shoulder. “Oh. Okay. Well, I have Cheer every day except Friday until six, but I could do after six or right after school on non-game Fridays.

  I make a note in my spiral then look over to Carson. He’s staring at me. When I look over, he blinks.

  “Oh, yeah Fridays are out for me. But I get out of practice at six on Monday, so I could do that.”

  “Does that work for you, Pete?” I ask.

  He’s looking at his phone, probably checking his calendar.

  “No good. I Dungeon Master for RPG club on Monday.”

  Lucy pipes up. “What about before school?”

  The rest of the table groans.

  I pat her hand gently.

  “Mornings are a good idea, but that’s a little too early for the ones who wear themselves out at practice every night.” I look around the table. Leena has sat back in her seat and folded her arms under her chest. She’s grinning at me like she knows I’m up to something. “What if we meet up on the first Saturday of the month at Pablo’s coffee at ten am?”

  “Do you think that’s enough time? Once a month?” Pete asks, his eyebrows furrowing behind his big glasses.

  “I think it’ll be fine. And we can always keep in touch via email and text for things that can’t wait.” I offer.

  Lucy claps excitedly. “I love that idea.”

  I’m just about to make a snide remark about her excitability level but thankfully Leena does it for me.

  “Lucy, switch to decaf. Seriously. Before you explode.”

  I grin. Why aren’t Leena and I friends again? Then she turns to me, her voice dripping with venom and I remember.

  “Fine. But my breakfast comes out of the budget. No way am I paying to share a meal with you guys.”

  I look over at Pete who nods.

  “Okay then. We will meet again next Saturday at ten am.” I make another note. “Now we just need to decide on the date and theme for Homecoming. Ideas?”

  This time it’s Carson who is tapping away on his phone.

  “First home game of the season is October 1st, Saturday night.”

  “So we plan the dance for Friday?” I ask and they all agree.

  “I think we should do a sports theme,” Carson says, smacking his hand on the table like a gavel.

  “Noooooo,” Lucy says flatly.

  “I agree with Lucy, for once,” Leena adds.

  “What about a dragon theme?” Peter suggests. Leena balls up a piece of paper and throws it at his head, knocking his glasses askew.

  “Forget it elf-boy.”

  “I like the idea of a fairy tale theme,” Lucy says dreamily.

  Visions of pink tutus dance in my head and I shudder.

  “Do you have any suggestions Leena?” I ask. She eyeballs me suspiciously then leans forward.

  “What about a Venetian Masked Ball?”

  As soon as she says it, I’m in. It sounds cool and unique and something we haven’t done before. I can tell from his expression that Carson isn’t sold, so I speak up.

  “So classy and sleek. Guys look all 007 with those cool black masks, girls in lace and satin. I like it.”

  I may not know much about guys, but I do know that the slightest mention of James Bond can convince them that anything is a good idea.

  “Vote?” Pete says. “All in favor of Leena’s idea raise your hand.”

  Everyone but him raises their hand. He sighs. “Motion passed.”

  Lucy claps again.

  “Great, I’ll make the announcement to the Dance Committee and let the principal know.”

  “Any other business?” Pete asks before slamming his notebook closed. “Then meeting adjourned. See you guys next weekend.”

  Leena dashes off, but the others mill around just a bit. Peter puts his hand on my shoulder as he’s leaving. “Good meeting, madam secretary.”

  I tilt my head in thanks. He’s right. It’s the first time we got through a whole meeting without me insulting someone or Leena losing her shit and making Lucy cry or Carson getting distracted by his phone and tuning out completely.

  Diplomacy. Who knew?

  Carson walks over to the stacks, looking for a book.

  “That was amazing,” Lucy says, scooping up her bag.

  “What?” I ask.

  “You. You just walked in and owned the place. I’ve never seen you look so good.”

  I shrug, tugging at the hem of my skirt. “Thanks. It’s new.”

  She leans over further, her face really setting off my personal space alarms.

  “It’s not the clothes Zoe. It’s you, how you carried yourself today. I’ve never seen you look so confident.” She sits back, looking day-dreamy, like she might burst out in a sonnet or something. “It’s like you’ve been this weird, angry caterpillar. But now you’re a kind, lovely butterfly.”

  That’s too much. I literally throw up in my mouth a little. Forcing a smile I pat her hand.

  “Thanks Lucy.”

  She grins and leaves me to gather the last of my things and throw away the empty drink cup she left behind. I turn and nearly barrel into Carson.

  “She’s right. You were awesome today.”

  “Thanks,” I murmur and step around him, tossing the cup in the trash and sliding my purse onto my shoulder.

  I leave and he jogs to catch up with me. “So, who do you have for Advanced Bio this year?”

  I pause, trying to recall the schedule I’d gotten in the mail only last week. “Um, Wells, I think. You?”

  “I have Wells too. Fifth period?”

  “Yep.”

  He grins, running his hand through the back of his light blonde hair. “So, do you wanna be lab partners again?”

  I freeze. Last year we’d been paired up in class, quite unwillingly as I recall. Only after a few months had he warmed up enough to talk to me outside of class. Yet here he is, asking me to partner up again. I’m far from a genius, but I hold my own in all my AP classes, so of course he’d want me for a partner.

  So why does it feel like he’s asking me on a date?

  “Yeah. Sure.”

  “Cool.”

  We wave goodbye and he heads off. I make my way through the empty school toward the practice field. I open the door to the bright daylight and see that Logan is standing on the sidelines, watching. The expression on his face is serene. I walk up next to him and pull the phone from my pocket, holding it to my ear.

  “What are you doing?”

  I sigh. “I’m pretending to talk on my phone so if anyone sees me here with my lips moving they just think I’m taking a call.”

  “Oh. Good idea.”

  “I know.”

  He claps as Bruno saves a particularly nasty looking goal.

  “You okay?” I ask, watching as his face goes from proud to sad. His smile slips and he drops his hands.

  “Nope. Not even a
little.”

  A pang of grief drives into my heart like a spike. My hand twitches, the instinct to reach over and take his hand is so strong I barely catch myself. Then I laugh dryly.

  “What’s funny?” He asks, his voice irritated.

  I shake my head. “I was just wishing I could hug you or something.”

  He stares at me for a second, then he laughs too. “Probably not a good idea. You don’t want to look like a crazy person in front of all those witnesses.” He jerks his head, indicating the small crowd sitting on the metal bleachers.

  Fair enough.

  I put my phone away and cross the sidelines, taking a seat on the lower bleacher. Leena sits down, scooting beside me.

  “Since when do you watch practices?”

  “I’m meeting up with Bruno after,” I say, squinting against the bright sunlight.

  I can feel her appraising me. “You know, I always thought you had a thing for Carson.”

  “Carson? No. No way.”

  She snorts, “You say that like he’s beneath you.”

  I take a deep breath, trying to actually consider my words before they fly out of my mouth.

  “No, it’s not that. It’s just that Carson is a friend. Besides, he was totally head over heels for you.” There. Maybe a little flattery will appease the beast.

  She flips her hair, exposing the long line of her neck. “Well, that’s over now. So, are you going after him?”

  That surprises me enough that I turn to her. “No. I’m not.”

  She looks at me, weighing my words. “Okay. Not that I care but, you know.”

  No. I have no idea why she’s trying to get into a pissing match over a guy she’s not even seeing anymore. I almost say as much too, but she cuts me off before I can.

  “I still care about him. And the way you walked into the room today, it was like you were a tiger on the prowl.”

  I make a face and she rolls her eyes.

  “Trust me, I’ve perfected that strut over the years. It’s the I’m a hot piece of woman and every male in this room is going to want me walk.”

  I shake my head. “Well, that’s not what I was going for.”

  She leans back like she’s sunbathing. “I get that now. You really don’t know what your little sashay did to those poor helpless boys. But you better learn, and quick. Before you have more guys barking up your tree than you can handle.”

  She lowers her head, “And do me a favor, keep Carson in the friend zone, okay?”

  I’m tempted to tell her exactly what I think of her weird, bullshit request, but from the corner of my eye I see Bruno watching so I just smile and nod.

  She nudges me. “Cool. You know, maybe we should hang out sometime.”

  “That sounds great.” I almost choke on the words.

  Turning back to Bruno I see that tryouts are winding down.

  “Wave at him and smile,” Logan demands. He’s sitting behind Leena, staring down her shirt.

  Obeying, I wave as subtly as I can, making Bruno break into a grin like nothing I’ve ever seen. You’d have thought I just gave him a million dollars and the key to my chastity belt.

  “You’re a natural,” Leena says, sounding remarkably pleased, probably glad I’m flirting with Bruno and not Carson. She stands up, wiping off the butt of her short white shorts with a seductive wiggle and heads over to the field where the team has gathered in a large bunch while Coach Mason makes announcements.

  Mr. Mason is also the Advanced Calculus teacher and by far the hottest teacher in the world. He kind of reminds me of Captain America. All muscles and boyish grins. He even does the perfect comb to the side hair thing. Basically, he is the reason our school has such a high number of females in advanced math classes. At the end of every year he has a big pool party at his house for the graduating seniors. I’m secure enough to admit that I really hope to score an invitation this year, if, for no other reason than to ogle him in a pair of board shorts.

  He says something and the team cheers and claps.

  “They just named him captain.” Logan says from behind me.

  I clap as Bruno stands and takes over the rest of the meeting. I can’t hear his words, but at the end everyone cheers and heads for the locker room. Everyone except the guys with girlfriends in the stands—and Bruno.

  I climb down and meet him half way. Beside me, Leena takes a run and a flying leap into the hands of her tall, sweaty boyfriend Daryl.

  “So,” Bruno says, blushing, “They made me captain.”

  I smile warmly. “I told you they would.”

  “I…probably need a shower. Do you want to hang out or meet up somewhere?”

  Beside me I can hear Leena and Daryl making out loud and wet. I almost gag.

  “Why don’t we meet up?”

  He nods. “James Creek Park?”

  I know the place, it’s not far from the school, across from Starbucks.

  “Cool.”

  “Offer to bring food.” Logan says.

  “Um, how about I drive through somewhere and grab some sandwiches?”

  His eyes light up like a tree on Christmas freaking morning.

  “That’d be great.”

  I wave goodbye and head for my car. I glance around, making sure no one is in earshot.

  “Why am I bringing food?” I ask Logan who is trailing behind me.

  “It’s a guy thing. You offer to feed us, and we will agree to just about anything.”

  I laugh.

  “No really, it’s a psychological thing. You offer a guy food and he feels like you are taking care of his needs, like it shows you care. Psychology 101.”

  I stop outside my car door.

  “So the way to a man’s heart really is through his stomach?”

  Logan chuckles. “Basically. Though there are other parts that will get you there too.”

  I roll my eyes, get in, and start the car. “Great.”

  Eight

  Somehow Bruno manages to get to the park before me. Probably due to the fact that the drive through worker at the SandWitch was a total moron who couldn’t get my order straight until I finally wrote it out for him. It also didn’t help that Logan was in my ear the whole time telling me over and over that Bruno doesn’t like onions or tomatoes.

  Finally I’d just yelled, “I know. No freaking onions or tomatoes.”

  The cashier was appalled and a curt, “Yes, I heard you ma’am,” crackled through the ancient speaker. I proceeded to slam my head into the steering wheel until my food was ready.

  Now, as I pull to a stop beside Bruno’s truck, I look at Logan sternly.

  “You can’t keep talking in my ear like that. It’s too distracting.”

  He raises an eyebrow.

  I point, “I mean it Logan, either stay here or stay quiet.”

  He makes a lip zipping gesture and I climb out of the car, bag of food in one hand, drink carrier in the other.

  Bruno is sitting at a picnic bench, staring at his phone.

  “Hey,” I call and he looks up, relief flooding his face. He jumps to his feet and rushes over, taking the drinks for me.

  “Hey,” he says as we walk back to his bench with Logan lagging behind.

  Opening the bag I pull out his sandwich and dill pickle potato chips.

  “Oh yum. I’m starving.”

  He unwraps the sandwich and spreads the bread, looking for the innards.

  “No tomatoes, no onions, right?” I offer and he grins.

  “How did you know?” he asks, reassembling his sandwich and taking a bite.

  Oh shit.

  I try to play it off with a shrug. Just when I’m afraid he’s not going to drop it he smiles at me and I feel the tension leaving my body.

  “Fine. Be mysterious,” he jokes and takes another bite.

  I dig in to my own sandwich, not realizing how hungry I am until I’ve devoured half the sub in five seconds flat.

  “So how was your meeting?” he asks, taking a drink.


  I swallow and set my sandwich down.

  “Good. Productive.” I grin and take a sip, “I didn’t even fight with Leena today.”

  He chuckles, “So, are you applying for sainthood?”

  I nod, “I’m considering a run. We just scheduled the stuff for Homecoming so I can turn it over to the Dance Committee.”

  He stares at me blankly so I continue.

  “We decided on a Venetian masquerade. Very 007, you know. Suave.”

  “Sounds cool.”

  “I hope so. The Dance Committee are the ones who really make it happen, all the decorations and stuff. I go in to help sometimes, just with the setup. It’s fun to see it all come together.”

  “So are you going?”

  I pause mid sandwich pickup. “To the dance?”

  He laughs lightly. “No, to the moon. Yes, to the dance.”

  I shrug, “I dunno. Probably not. I usually don’t.”

  He balls up his wrapper and dusts the crumbs off the table. “Why not?”

  I don’t look up when I answer. It’s so pathetic I can’t even meet his eyes.

  “I guess…no one’s ever asked me.”

  “Seriously?”

  Great. Now I feel like a total loser. And it’s not entirely true, Carlos asked me to be his date last year, but it was a pity ask, and I felt like going with him was no better than taking your cousin to prom, so I declined. I feel the flush rising into my face and I have to physically swallow back the smart ass quip fighting its way out my throat.

  I hear Bruno laughing dryly so I dip my head lower.

  “Freaking Logan.”

  “What did you say?” he asks, making my face snap up.

  I tilt my head. “I said, ‘This is all Logan’s fault.’”

  “How so?” He looks genuinely confused and I want nothing more than to crawl under a rock somewhere and die. I knew this was a stupid plan and now I’m going to throw Logan under the bus—remorse free.

  “It’s just that, Logan mentioned that you asked for my phone number once. I never thought much of it since you didn’t call, but I saw you today and I thought…Never mind. It’s stupid.”

  He reaches out, covering my hands with his. It’s an alien sensation, the physical contact with someone not Mom or Carlos.

  “Hey. I did call. Like a dozen times.” He takes a deep breath, “But I just kept hanging up.”