Losing Logan

by Sherry Ficklin

  “Yeah, tell me about it.”

  I roll over, looking Carlos straight in the eye.

  “I can’t be in love with Logan. He makes me crazy. I literally want to punch him in the face half the time.”

  “But?”

  “But the other half of the time, I just want to be near him.”

  “You realize there’s no scenario in which this ends well, right?”

  I lick my lips. “I know. I guess, I just want to hold onto him for as long as I can. But I know that eventually, I’m going to have to let him go.”

  “I’m so sorry, Zoe Bowie.”

  I nod. “I know. It just hurts so much.”

  I feel a teardrop escape the corner of my eye and I wipe it away quickly.

  “And when you are hurt, you push people away. I know that, Zoe. Deep down, I think he probably does too. But, you should really try to just…set things straight with him. Let go of the pain and fear because at the end of the day, it’s not how you want to remember your time with him.”

  “You are stupid smart with all the girly emotional stuff, you know that? What the hell kind of man are you?” I chuckle sadly.

  He’s right. I know it. I need to set things right with Logan. Because our time together is quickly running out.

  “So what do I do about Bruno, oh wise swami?”

  He tucks his hand under my chin, “Do you care about Bruno?”

  I nod.

  “And he makes you feel?”

  I sniffle. “Special. Loved. Safe.”

  He nods, “Then just let him love you, and love him as much as you can in return. Love him as much as you’re able to right now. There’s no shame in that.”

  I lean back. “You should consider a career as a therapist.”

  “I could have my own talk show.”

  “And you could make people cry on TV.”

  He tilts his head back, “I have always wanted to make people cry on TV.”

  A few hours later I’m picking at the last slice of cold, leftover pizza when Logan finally gets back.

  “Where were you?” I ask, walking back to my bedroom with my plate and a two liter of Diet Dew tucked under my arm.

  “I went to Becker’s. I just, I dunno. I was trying to remember if it was his face, but it’s still a big blank.”

  I close my door behind Logan. Mom’s at work, but I still feel safer with the door shut, just in case.

  “Don’t beat yourself up. You’ve been traumatized. It’s only natural your mind would block pieces out to try to protect you. Especially if it was someone you knew.”

  He looks down at the floor. “I suppose.”

  He flops into my chair and I curl up on the floor at the end of my bed.

  “Look Logan. I want to apologize.”

  “For what?” he asks, looking genuinely surprised.

  “Oh, you know. For being my usual, crazy, bitchy self. I’m really sorry.”

  He looks up, holding my eyes. “It’s alright Zoe. I understand. I know none of this has been easy on you either.”

  I lick my lips. “Yeah, but the thing is, I don’t know how much time we have left together and I don’t want to spend it like this, being angry and catty.”

  A rogue tear slides down my cheek before I can blink it away.

  “I just want you to know, that I love you. And I’m going to miss you so much it feels like my heart is going to cave in.”

  I blow out a long breath. Logan is beside me in the blink of an eye, wiping the tears away.

  “I think the reason I can do this, the reason I can be solid sometimes, is because of you. Because when I’m with you, I feel alive. More alive than I’ve felt in a really long time. But the longer I stay, the more I want to stay forever. And that isn’t good for either of us,” he says sadly.

  I nod, leaning against him.

  “I know. But it doesn’t make it any easier.”

  “For me either, Zoe.” He kisses the top of my head.

  Then I feel myself start to slide through him, his firm skin replaced by cold air.

  “It’s just so unfair. We should have had time,” I whine.

  “We have right now. Maybe that’s all we get. But I’m grateful for every second of it, I want you to know that.”

  I push the plate aside and climb into bed, patting the blanket next to me. Logan lies down beside me, his own eyes wet with tears.

  “I didn’t know ghosts could cry.”

  He frowns. “These are the manliest of tears. Reserved for things like toe stubbing and accidental snake bites to the buttocks.”

  I laugh through the tears and close my eyes, letting myself drift off to the sound of his breathing.

  “And for letting go of you,” he adds quietly.

  Seventeen

  Morning comes and this time, when my alarm goes off, Logan is gone. Something inside me feels like a deep well, hollow and cold. I roll out of bed and shower quickly. Knowing I’m going to be trying on dresses later I opt for a soft white peasant dress and soft suede belt. I’m buckling the strap on my heels when Logan appears in my room.

  “Sorry, I meant to be here when you woke up, but I lost track of time a little.”

  I shrug and proceed to weave my hair into a loose braid, tying it off with a bit of ribbon. Standing up I go to the jewelry box and pull it open. It’s made of wood and brass and when I tug open the tiny glass doors, Brahms lullaby starts playing. A birthday gift from my father when I was a little girl. Now every time I hear the tune I feel close to him, and I really want to feel close to him today.

  “Look what I found,” I say, holding up a long silver chain with a bottle cap dangling from it.

  Logan grins, walking over to see it better. “I can’t believe you still have that.”

  “We were what, like six?”

  He shakes his head. “And I gave it to you in exchange for—“

  “A kiss. My first kiss as a matter of fact.”

  “And you kept it all this time?”

  I shrug. “First kisses are a big deal for a girl.”

  I don’t tell him that after he gave it to me, for the next few weeks, I’d convinced myself it meant we were married. I’d even told my dad that I was going to have to move out of the house and move into the tree house with Logan since he was my husband. Dad just laughed and told me that someday, I’d get married for real and when that happened, that he’d have to approve of it because he’d be giving away his only daughter.

  I feel my heart stutter at the memory.

  “It was a big deal for me too.”

  I roll my eyes. “Whatever Logan. You probably don’t even remember—“

  He holds out a finger. “You were wearing a yellow sweater. I told you it made you look like a bumble bee. You hit me. And then, I gave you the necklace because you were crying. You sniffled and said, what does it cost? And I said,” he pauses so I finish.

  “A kiss from a crying girl.”

  “See? I remember.”

  I smile sadly. Why can’t life ever turn out the way it’s supposed to?

  Putting the necklace over my head I let it fall against my chest. I don’t look back at Logan until I’ve fought back the tears. I’m not going to cry again. Not today. Today, I just have to… survive.

  “Look, about Bruno,” Logan starts, clearing his throat. “It’s okay for you to like him. I mean, not that you need permission, but…Bruno’s a good guy. You deserve a good guy.”

  I take a deep breath.

  “Okay, quit trying to make me cry, you freaking sap. I just did my mascara.”

  He looks offended, then realizes that I’m teasing.

  “Me? You busted out with the childhood memories. Geeze woman. Pining away much?”

  I chuckle. “Well, you know me. I never throw away perfectly good jewelry.”

  He lowers his voice seriously. “You look beautiful, by the way. Just thought you should know.”

  I pull my shoulder into my chin. “Oh, I know. But thanks just the same. A
re we ready to do this?”

  He nods and I hear the doorbell ring. I’d almost forgotten I asked Bruno for a ride today since I was going shopping with Cassidy right after school.

  “Um, I’m going to go hang out at my house today, okay? I want to see my mom, make sure she’s doing alright.”

  I nod. “See you at lunch?”

  He smiles and vanishes.

  By the time I get to the front door my mom is chatting away with Bruno, who looks completely undaunted by her. Granted she’s only five foot four, a hundred pounds wet, but she can be as intimidating as a grizzly bear.

  I kiss her quickly on the cheek, pushing Bruno out the door with a hand to his chest.

  “Bye mom. See you later,” I say, ushering him toward the truck.

  “What, you don’t want me to talk to your mom?”

  I roll my eyes. “I don’t want her to start sending out our wedding invitations just yet. She tends to get a little over excited.”

  He opens my door, stopping to kiss me before he lets me in. I sigh deeply. I really do enjoy kissing Bruno.

  “She’s nice,” he says.

  “Um, she’s meaner than a bag full of squirrels and twice as nuts.”

  He laughs.

  “What’s so funny?” I ask.

  He turns the key in the ignition. “You. I don’t think I’ve heard you insult anybody in a few days. Are you saving up for a special occasion?”

  Now it’s my turn to laugh. “Maybe. It’s almost Homecoming after all.”

  “Good. I like to watch you get all wrath-y. Just, you know, not on me.”

  I smile until may face hurts.

  When we get to school Bruno walks me to my locker as usual, only he’s acting weird, jumpy.

  “What got sprinkled on your granola today?” I ask, turning the combination lock.

  He steps back and when I open the locker it’s full of flowers. Not roses or carnations or anything as mundane as that, but it’s full of tall, white daisies.

  I pull out the bouquet and inhale deeply. I love daisies. They’re my favorite flowers.

  “How did you know?” I ask, already suspecting the answer.

  Carlos walks up from behind, his hand in the air.

  “He called in back up last night.”

  I stare at Bruno. “When did you have time to put these in here?”

  He shrugs meekly, “I got up early and did it this morning.”

  “Then you came all the way back to my house to pick me up?”

  I’m so stunned, I’m not even sure what to say when he grins sheepishly. Looking back down at the flowers I see a little card tucked into the flowers. Pulling it out I read it.

  For the prettiest girl I’ve ever met.

  Love,

  Kyle.

  It’s so strange to see that he’s signed his first name it takes a second to click in. For as long as I have known him, everyone just called him Bruno. I never even thought to ask if he would prefer something else.

  Stepping in close I wrap my arms around his neck.

  “Thanks, Kyle. I love them.”

  He blushes wildly and I reach onto my tiptoes to kiss him. The bell rings, jarring us apart.

  He brushes his hand over my hair, kissing me on the jaw.

  “See you at lunch.”

  Coach Mason stops me after first period to give me a list of the teachers chaperoning for the dance.

  “Thanks. I’ll pass this onto the Dance Committee,” I say tucking it in my bag.

  He tilts his head, looking at me quizzically. “Is everything alright Zoe? I can’t help but notice you seem a little distracted lately.”

  I frown. “No, everything is good. Why? Are my grades slipping?”

  “No, I just noticed, you seem to have come into a new group of friends this year.”

  “Yeah,” I say, trying not to sound irritated at his keeping me so late. “They’re great.”

  “You know, we have grief counselors available to students still struggling with what happened to Kaylee.”

  Okay, this is just getting weird. Am I sending off some kind of pathetic, crazy chick vibes? Or worse, had he somehow overheard me talking to Logan yesterday after class? God, he probably thinks I was talking to myself.

  “Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind,” I say with a smile and rush out of the room.

  As soon as I step foot in the hallway, my group of friends are there waiting. The girls are all taking turns cooing over the flowers and the guys are giving Bruno—no Kyle—a hard time.

  I turn to my poor, embarrassed boyfriend and plant a kiss on him.

  “So, I was thinking, I know everyone calls you Bruno, but would it be okay if I just call you Kyle from now on?”

  I ask loudly, making sure the rest of the group hears me.

  He smiles. “Sure, if you want.”

  He bends over, plants a kiss on the tip of my nose and leads me out to his truck.

  I don’t see Logan at lunch, which worries me more that I’d like to admit. We opt to skip the pizza today for Chinese and I’m glad we do. Any more pizza and I’m not going to be able to squeeze myself into that red dress anymore.

  “So, what do you have going on tonight?” Bruno asks as the waitress hands out our plates.

  “I’m kidnapping her,” Cassidy says with a mischievous grin.

  Bruno glances over at me and I bat my eyelashes innocently. He sighs. “As long as you bring her back.”

  “Where are you two going?” Becca asks curiously.

  I glance up at Cassidy, who is looking at me like she’s trying to swallow the giant foot in her mouth. I give her a subtle nod.

  “Dress shopping for Homecoming,” she answers, stuffing a fork full of rice in her mouth.

  Becca stares at her silently, her face surprised.

  “Do you want to come?” I ask, an open invitation to the table. It’s kind of a hollow gesture since I know for a fact that she, Madison and the twins have cheer practice tonight.

  “I’ll go,” Darla chimes in, making me almost choke on my noodles.

  I force a smile. “Great. Meet us after school.”

  Just what I need, a two hour car ride with my new boyfriend’s jilted ex. Then again, maybe I can use her to my advantage.

  There’s no reason to think the day could get any better. Logan still hasn’t shown up, I’ve been accosted twice by grief counselors trying to convince me to come share my feelings about Kaylee, and mom frantically texted me when the police showed up at our door with a search warrant for the necklace I already told them they could come get. I sigh deeply, watching from my desk, as the final minutes of last period tick away.

  Beside me, Leena taps her pencil on the edge of her desk impatiently. The sound makes my eyeball twitch as I fight the urge to lean over, rip the pencil out of her hand and shove it up her—

  The bell rings and I’m out of my desk like a shot, homicidal thoughts float away as I step into the hallway and see Bruno already waiting for me. He’s leaning against the lockers, twisting the lacrosse stick in his hands absently as he chats with Becker. The impulse to walk over and push my way between them is strong, making me wonder at what point I’d already decided on his guilt. Maybe it isn’t fair. But the sight of them together, laughing, makes my skin crawl. Luckily, before I can charge over and make a scene like a neurotic freak, Cassidy walks over, folding herself into Becker’s arms. He hugs her tightly and lowers his head to kiss her. My stomach lurches.

  Then Bruno catches sight of me and holds out his free hand, which I take without hesitation, letting him draw me against him.

  “Hey. How was class?” He asks warmly.

  I swallow hard. The decision to tell him the truth was sort of made for me. In a town this small, no secret stays buried for long.

  Lowering my voice I whisper, “I need to talk to you for a minute. Privately.”

  He nods, his face going from joy to abject fear in a matter of seconds. We cross the hall and I pull him into Mr. Mason’s empty room, c
losing the door behind us.

  “I need to tell you something,” I begin slowly. He takes a seat on the corner of Mr. Mason’s oak desk.

  I straighten my shoulders, squaring off to him, my arms folded across my chest. “The police came to my house today. They had a search warrant.”

  I wait for him to say something, trying to gauge his reaction carefully. His expression falls, then recovers quickly, a smile lighting up his face.

  “Zoe, you scared the living shit out of me.”

  I feel my eyebrows crease. “What?”

  He hops off the desk, locking his arms around my waist. “I thought you were dumping me.”

  “Why would I do that? Never mind. It doesn’t matter. But seriously, the police questioned me about Kaylee’s murder because I had been up at The Tower and they found my blood—“

  He holds up a hand. “Blood?”

  I hold out my palm. The scratch is deep and still ugly, but I’d taken the bandage off and never put another one on.

  “I was up there after Logan…” I let my words trail off, choosing my story very carefully. “I went up there to try to make sense of what happened to Logan. It was way before Kaylee was killed. But I cut myself on The Tower and they found my blood, so they thought—“

  “They thought you might have something to do with it.”

  I nod, clutching my hand. “But I didn’t. I swear to God I didn’t.”

  He reaches out and touches the side of my face. “I know that Zoe.”

  “You do?”

  He nods, leaning forward he kisses me gently. “No one who threatens to kill people as often as you do would be dumb enough to actually kill someone.”

  I smile against his lips.

  “You,” he whispers. “For all your tough talk, you have a very gooey center.”

  I pull away just a little. “I wouldn’t go that far.”

  He just shakes his head. “You might be able to hide it from everyone else, but I’ve seen it. Do you remember last year when Kaylee was tormenting that freshman girl with the red hair?”

  How could I forget? The girl, not knowing any better, had accidentally taken Kaylee’s parking space. Kaylee had tracked the girl down before class and shut her long red hair in a locker. The girl was in tears. Kaylee and the lemmings just laughed.

  That was the day I got myself on Kaylee’s bitch radar. She never retaliated against me, but I spent the better part of the year jumping at shadows waiting for her to take her revenge.