Losing Logan

by Sherry Ficklin

  I swallow back salty tears. I know she’s right. Logan has told me as much.

  “Then why does it hurt so much?” I ask, my voice small and quiet.

  She holds me again, stroking my hair.

  “Because things have to hurt before they can heal.”

  Logan is sitting in my chair when I finish catching mom up on my new social status and go to bed. I feel the tension melt out of my neck and shoulders at the sight of him.

  “Hey,” I say softly, closing my door.

  “Hey. I take it shopping went well.”

  I nod, hanging the dress, bag and all in my closet.

  “Yeah. I don’t think Becker is our guy. Cassidy says he wasn’t bent out of shape about what happened. He wasn’t angry with you at all. She actually said he was kind of flattered, which is just weird.”

  “So do you think we should check out Jesus?”

  I roll my eyes. “If Jesus killed you I’ll eat my own arm. That guy is a big teddy bear.”

  “You are probably right about that. But he’s sort of our last lead.”

  I flop down onto my bed. “I know. But the girls told me Kaylee’s mystery guy doesn’t even go to our school. I think we might be at a dead end. Unless you remembered something?”

  He shakes his head.

  Sitting back against the headboard I rub my eyes with my thumbs.

  “So what do we do now?” I ask wearily.

  “I’m going to keep tabs on the investigation, make sure they aren’t seriously considering you as a suspect. And I’ll keep trying to remember what happened.”

  “What about me?”

  He smiles. “You just keep being your charming self.”

  I pull the pillow out from behind me and stuff it over my face.

  “I have a date with Kyle on Friday.” I say, my voice muffled by the feathers.

  “I know.”

  Pulling the pillow away I shoot him a look.

  “How do you know?”

  “He mentioned it to Becker tonight. They hung out at Bruno’s house after practice. I was with him all night. I saw the pictures you sent him. It looked like you were having fun.”

  His voice is light, but his face is sad.

  I shrug. “Yeah. I kind of did. Why were you at his house so late?”

  He rolls his eyes. “Because you asked me to keep an eye on him, remember? I stayed until Becker left.”

  Oh yeah. I’d almost forgotten.

  “Thanks for doing that,” I manage weakly. Thank you doesn’t seem like enough, not nearly enough. But it’s all I’ve got at the moment.

  “I don’t think I can stay here anymore,” he says out of nowhere.

  I jerk to attention.

  “Why not?”

  He looks at me, smiling weakly.

  “It’s just too hard. I’ll stay outside. Keep an eye out for The Reaper.”

  I bite my bottom lip. “But you don’t want to be near me anymore.”

  He shakes his head. “Don’t say it like that, Zoe. It’s just too painful.”

  I laugh dryly. “Yes, because it’s just a walk in the park for me.”

  He stands up, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

  “Yeah, well you don’t have to stand by and watch the person you love falling in love with someone else.”

  And with that he vanishes, leaving me stunned and speechless, feeling like he just carved my heart out of my chest with a dull spoon.

  Nineteen

  The next few days roll by in a disturbing wave of normalcy. The first week of school is over and, as Cassidy expected, Kyle and I are nominated for Homecoming King and Queen.

  All of that I can deal with. But it’s going home at night, the driving, painful ache that throbs through me every time I close my eyes. Every once in a while I catch a glimpse of Logan, across the street or down the hall. But he doesn’t speak to me anymore. He just turns away.

  And slowly, the hole in my heart fills with rage. I lie awake at night thinking of all the things I will say to him when I see him again. About how I will call him a coward and a liar. But deep down, I just don’t want the pain to stop. I don’t want to get over him. And despite my best efforts not to, Logan is right. I’m falling for Kyle.

  He picks me up a little before six. Mom is already at work, but she wants details. Yeah, I’ll get right on that.

  Pulling open the door I see that Kyle has his back to me, looking across the street like he sees something. For one insane, frantic moment I think he might see Logan. But when I follow his gaze, there’s nothing.

  “Hey,” I say drawing him back to me.

  He turns, holding out his hand. There’s a tiny blue box nestled in his palm.

  “What’s that?” I ask suspiciously.

  He chuckles. “A gift. For our first official date. Open it.”

  My curiosity overwhelms me as I take the box, backing up so he can come inside. Lifting the lid I see a tiny pearl on a silver chain.

  “It’s beautiful.” I say, staring at the white jewel. “You didn’t have to do that.”

  He takes it from my fingers, motioning for me to turn around.

  “I got it in Hawaii. I went last summer with Logan and his family. We went diving and there was this bed of oysters. We picked some to eat, and this was inside one.”

  He clasps it around my neck and I touch it gently where it lies in the hollow of my neck.

  Turning around I throw my arms around his neck with more vigor than I mean to, nearly knocking him over.

  “Thank you,” I whisper, clutching him tightly.

  Obviously he doesn’t get my emotional response—how could he?—but he hugs me back tightly, lifting me off my feet.

  When he sets me down. I’m somewhat recovered. I grab my tan jacket and we head out to his truck.

  “So which dress did you decide on,” he asks as we drive.

  I laugh. “Oh, that’s going to be a surprise.”

  He smiles. “Well, don’t I need to know what color it is so we can match?”

  I stare at him like he’s speaking Greek.

  “Huh?”

  He shifts in his seat. “Oh. That was a thing with Darla. She always made me get a bow tie to match her dress color.”

  I laugh out loud and raise my right hand, “I solemnly promise never, under any circumstance, to make you dress to match me.”

  He shakes his head. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to compare you, I thought it was just a chick thing. Kaylee used to do the same thing to Logan. I figured it was in the manual.”

  I grab his arm. “Are you telling me there are instructions? My god, I never got the memo. How have I lived my life without it?”

  “Oh, I think you’ve done pretty well for yourself.”

  I grin and bring my shoulder to my chin playfully.

  “Well, I did manage to land you, so I can’t be doing too terrible.”

  He smiles brightly.

  “Okay, I have to ask though. What the hell happened with you and Darla? Because, as you warned me, she is still hella bitter about it.”

  “You really want to know?”

  I try to look uninterested and fail miserably.

  “Yes. I know it is none of my business and you can totally plead the fifth and I won’t hold it against you but, you just seem so…”

  “Oh, this can’t be good.”

  “Mellow. Like, easy to be around. I MUST know what she did to make you dump her. Otherwise, how will I know where the line is?”

  “What line?”

  “The line of how insane and bitchy I can be before you’ve had it with me.”

  He shakes his head. “Well, trust me, I doubt you could ever even get close to that line. But if you really want to know, I wasn’t trying to be a jerk. But I realized that she wasn’t the person for me. Like, I felt it in my heart. I liked her, and that was great. But I never fell in love with her. And I thought she deserved to be with someone who did.”

  “Wait, that’s it? You dumped her because you weren
’t in love with her?”

  He tilts his head. “Not just that. I realized I never would fall in love with her. She was a friend. But nothing more. What kind of relationship is that?”

  I stare at him. He looks over warily.

  “What?” he asks.

  I lean my head against the seat.

  “Wow. That’s the most incredibly honest thing I’ve ever heard of. I knew you were amazing, but that might actually push you over the edge into perfect territory.”

  He laughs dryly. “No one’s perfect Zoe.”

  “I didn’t mean perfect, perfect. I meant perfect for me,” I add quietly.

  We descend upon the Captain’s Table—the nicest restaurant in town—hand in hand. He made a reservation sparing us the nearly two hour wait at the door. As we make our way to the corner table, the dim area aglow by candle light, my heart crawls into my throat. Dinner, sure. Pizza. Tacos. But this, this is downright romantic. Not what I was expecting and I’m not entirely sure I’m ready for this. Two tables over my next door neighbor and her husband are staring at me as I take a seat. Three tables behind Kyle a couple in their late 80’s or so are pointing to us and smiling in that vaguely condescending way only old people can. I scoot my chair in, folding my hands in my lap and cracking my knuckles.

  “Are you alright?” Kyle asks, handing me the linen menu.

  I plaster on a fake smile. This place probably cost him a month’s worth of paychecks, what kind of terrible person would I be to complain about it? One of the things I’ve always liked about the dark haired boy is his salt of the earth demeanor. Sure, his family is obscenely wealthy, sure his house is the size of a football field. But he has a job, a truck he paid for himself, and I doubt he shops anywhere fancier than the local mall. This place is so far out of my comfort zone I can feel myself about to break out into hives.

  “I’ve never been here before,” I say honestly.

  He grins meekly. “Yeah, I don’t come here much myself. But the food is good and Mario, the owner, comes into the shop to get his oil changed. He’s always telling me to come sometime, so I gave him a call and he got us in.”

  I feel myself relax just a little.

  “That’s cool.”

  “Yeah. I have all the best hookups,” he says with a sarcastic laugh.

  “Lucky you.”

  I pick up the menu, trying not to frown at the prices. The waiter makes his way over and we order.

  “So,” I fold my hands under my chin, elbows on the table. “What are your big plans for after High School?”

  He takes a drink of water before answering. “College. I have scholarship offers from a few places. I’m leaning towards William & Mary.”

  I tilt my head. “You want to stay that close?”

  He half shrugs. “I don’t know yet. I’m keeping my options open.”

  “Always a good plan.”

  “What about you?”

  I lean back. “I want to take a gap year. Travel, do some charity work. Then I’m off to NYU. I want to major in Anthropology and minor in Ancient Civilizations.”

  “So, you want to be Tomb Raider?”

  I laugh, nearly choking on my water.

  “More like Indiana Jones. Less guns, more whips.”

  “I think you would look great with a whip.”

  I tilt my glass. “Why thank you.”

  At that moment I see someone moving toward me out the corner of my eye. It’s Logan. As soon as I see him he begins frantically motioning for me to follow him.

  “Sorry, I need to use the bathroom. Be right back,” I mumble, excusing myself from the table.

  As soon as I’m out of earshot I mutter at Logan under my breath.

  “This had better be important.”

  “It is,” he assures me, following me to the bathroom.

  I push open the door, thank heavens it’s a one stall, and lock the door behind me.

  “Get in here,” I whisper and Logan appears beside me.

  “What is it? Did you remember something?”

  He shakes his head. “No, I was at your house, just sort of keeping an eye on things. But that Reaper showed up.”

  “Well, lucky for me, I wasn’t there.”

  “No, you don’t understand. It got out of your mom’s car. It was with her.”

  I blink, trying to process his words.

  “Is she alright? Did it try to…? I don’t know, reap her?”

  “No. It just followed her inside. And I followed it. It went into your room and just hovered there, like it was waiting for you. I told it to leave. I even tried to grab it—“

  “That was stupid. You need to stay away from it Logan, I mean it.”

  “Not really the point. The point is, it said something.”

  I lean against the sink. “What did it say?”

  “It said, it’s Zoe.”

  I go from mildly upset to completely freaked out in no time flat. I stomp around, practically slamming myself into the walls, fingers pulling at my own hair.

  Why does this thing want me? Why am I so special? None of this makes any sense. Logan keeps reaching out to grab me but he can’t seem to make himself solid enough to make contact. I wave him off.

  “We need to get you out of here, Zoe. Get you some place safe.”

  I look over at Logan. He looks as frazzled as I feel.

  “Where exactly? Where is safe Logan? I can’t hide from something that can walk through walls and make itself appear at will anywhere, any time.”

  Then a really terrifying thought hits me like a kick to the stomach. Mom. It followed my mom. What if it decides that sticking close to her is the best way to get to me? What if it hurts her? I can’t even—

  I blow out a deep breath, forcing the air from my lungs and purse my lips.

  “It won’t try anything here, in public.”

  “You don’t know that Zoe. It very well could.”

  I shake my head. “Nah. If it wanted me that badly, it could have taken me any time. Whatever it wants, whatever it’s going to do, it won’t be out in the open like this.”

  He rolls his eyes. “Just because you want that to be true doesn’t mean—“

  I spin on him, my finger poking where his chest would be if he were solid.

  “What are you doing here anyway? I thought all this was too hard for you? Didn’t you decide to bail on me?”

  He steps back, an expression of real hurt flashing in his eyes.

  “Zoe, I never left you. I wouldn’t do that. I just couldn’t keep pretending things could work between us. It isn’t fair to either of us, you know that.”

  I poke him again.

  “I don’t want your excuses. And you don’t get to bail on me like a coward and then come running to my rescue when it suits you. Just leave me alone.”

  With that I open the door and walk briskly back to my seat. I can feel him following me, but I ignore him.

  “We need to go, Zoe.” Logan says behind me.

  I take my seat, not looking his way.

  “So, a gap year. What kind of travel do you want to do?” Kyle asks, breaking off a chunk of bread and handing it to me.

  “Oh, you know. Turkey. Greece. Egypt.”

  “Not the safest travel destinations,” he says absently.

  I nod. “True, but there’s more to life than playing it safe, don’t you think?”

  “Zoe, please,” Logan begs.

  Kyle smirks. “You sound like Logan.”

  I almost spit my soda on him. Coughing into my napkin I manage to recover.

  “What do you mean?”

  Kyle looks up from his empty plate, motioning to the room around us.

  “It’s this thing Logan used to say. He said, ‘If you aren’t living life like there’s no tomorrow, you’re just wasting time.’ It was one of his many philosophies. They all had the same basic theme. Get busy living or get busy dying.”

  I take a long drink of the soda, wishing it was something a little stronger.

/>   “That sounds like Logan.”

  “Yeah, and look where it got me,” he mutters.

  Kyle looks away, his face faltering around the edges.

  “You really miss him, huh?” I ask, reaching across the table to take his hand.

  He nods, turning back to me.

  “You know, I think Logan sent you to me.”

  I feel myself twitch just a little, drawing my hand away.

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Yeah, why does he say that?” Logan interjects.

  Kyle shakes his head. “It sounds crazy when I say it out loud.”

  I sit back in my chair, wringing my cloth napkin in my lap.

  “It’s not crazy. I feel Logan around me all the time,” I admit softly. “Like he’s still here.”

  Kyle tips his head to the side, looking at me with a gentle expression.

  “When my dad died, I used to see him everywhere, all the time. Then after a while, I’d forget he was gone. I’d open my door and expect to see him. It’s the same with Logan. Sometimes I can hear him, making a snide comment or telling me not to do something stupid. Not that I listen,” I say with a half smile.

  “Does it ever get better?”

  I shake my head. “I kind of learned that if I just push it away, you know, don’t think about it, that I can keep going. I got very good at not feeling it anymore. It didn’t stop hurting, I just sort of stopped letting myself remember to hurt.”

  Kyle holds out his hand and I take it. He is warm under my fingertips, warm and strong and alive.

  “That day at school, when you smiled at me and said hello, it was like, I don’t know how to explain it. It was like, I’d been in this really dark place. It was so hard just to get out of bed because, I didn’t feel him around anymore. I was just really lonely I think. And then, just when I was sure I wouldn’t be able to do it, there you were. I mean, that day I was planning on leaving the team. I just didn’t think I could face it. And there you were, like this light in the middle of all of the darkness. And it felt like Logan was there, like he knew I needed you so he sent you to me.”

  He shakes his head like he feels stupid saying the words. I squeeze his hand.