The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy)

by Chrissy Anderson

  Just asking that question makes me chug my re-filled wine glass in one gulp.

  “Damn near! Especially with thoughts of you and what we did together running through my mind. Made me quite the master of my domain, if you know what I mean.”

  Who knew being told your ex-boyfriend jerked off to thoughts of you for over a year and a half could be so romantic! And you know what? I guess that’s why the motor on my vibrator fried out…TWICE!

  After a sharing a gentle laugh at what he just said, he takes my hand and places it over his heart like he’s done so many tender times before.

  “Feel that? That was made for you. Sometimes I think God watched you on earth for the first six years of your life and was like, ‘Crap, there’s still no one who’s perfect for her’ so He made me.”

  “Sure would’ve made my life a lot easier if you were born in Freakmont six years earlier and went to my same high school.”

  “Probably would’ve made my life easier too. But, so what if the hand you were dealt required you to trade in a couple of old cards for new ones. All that matters is that you had the courage to do it.”

  “So you’re not mad at me for anything that happened?”

  “I’m mad that some things had to happen the way they did. But no, I’m not mad at you. If I was, I wouldn’t be here right now.”

  With my hand still glued to his heart, he says “It’s wild, but sometimes it feels like I loved you long before I even met you.”

  Nodding my head in agreement, I confess, “No one I know could possibly understand us.”

  “Does that make us crazy?”

  “I think it makes us lucky.”

  After a gentle kiss that reassures me he’s not mad at all, Leo takes my hand and leads me to the bedroom and without a word he undresses me. The only light is coming from the electric moon outside and the only sound is that of the roaring creek below the open window. That is until he explores my naked body with his eyes, takes a deep breath in and says, “My God, you are so beautiful.”

  Reaching out for him, I speak modestly. “I bet everything you look at through those green eyes is beautiful.”

  “That’s absolutely not the case.” Taking my hands, “I see very few beautiful things. That’s what makes you so special to me, Chrissy.”

  After tranquilly assisting with the removal of his clothes, we kiss and settle onto the bed in one intertwined motion, with him softly landing on top. My fingers trace up and down the length of his back, his hands cradle my neck. Our kisses are sometimes halted by long gazes at each other, acknowledging this almost didn’t happen.

  If forced to make the choice, I would gladly take the long gazes into Leo’s eyes over sex with him. They’re what tell me he loves me so much. But…thank GOD I don’t have to make the choice! It’s been one year, eight months and, glancing at the clock as he kisses my neck, three hours since the last time I’ve been with him. Not usually one to bypass the thrill of foreplay, with every ticking second, I get more and more restless.

  “Leo, please. I miss you so much. I don’t think I can…”

  And he can’t either because there it is. Holy mother of mercy! I NEVER should’ve deprived myself of this feeling for this long. I should’ve fought harder to be with him sooner! I should’ve done whatever it took to have…this. I don’t care what type of woman you are (minus lesbo’s), the feeling of a muscular man laying on top of you who is able to enter your body without his hands ever leaving your side and his eyes never leaving your gaze, is the single most electrifying sensation EVER. Momentarily lost in the pleasure, I close my eyes and roll my head back. Not ready to lose the control he has over me, he gently bites my lower lip and kisses it back to where he wants it as he says, “Look at me, baby.” I do, but I can’t see him. I can’t see anything. I’m completely blinded by what he’s doing to me and my love for him.

  Shitshow

  May, 2001

  I’m not a great pooper. I don’t bring a magazine in with me to relax. I don’t keep the door open so I can watch my shows while I’m going. In fact, I’ll even put off doing the deuce until it absolutely positively can’t stay inside of my body for one minute longer. Then when I finally do go, I force it out as fast as I can. I’ve got more important shit to do!

  On top of never finding the time to poop, I hate talking about it with people or acknowledging that it even happens. Unlike Slutty Co-worker! That woman will literally excuse herself from the middle of a yoga session by announcing to the class, “Be right back, gotta take a crap.” And, when teaching certain positions, she’ll shout out, “If you’re not farting, you’re not doing it right!” At first I was mortified, but apparently our clients find all of her potty-talk charming because she’s booked solid every single week. But me, if I have to go at work, I’ll sneak off when I know everyone else is out to lunch and that’s ONLY when it’s an absolute poop emergency! I’ll never drop a bomb at a party, a friend’s house, or a restaurant. I’d rather die than shit in public! Which is why 99.9% of my pooping occurs when I’m alone in my cottage. Which is why, now that Leo has moved in, I’m up shit creek. And, it’s with his suggestion that we grab some Mexican food for dinner that I nervously wonder…will I ever poop again?

  Yeah, yeah…I know it’s natural to poop and everyone does it. It’s the very fact that everyone DOES poop that’s gotten me through a lot of personal challenges in my life. No matter who I’m in a business deal with or what beautiful movie star I’m admiring on TV, I can never get too intimidated or awe struck because in the back of my mind I’m thinking…that person sat on the shitter this morning and wiped his ass. Jennifer Aniston does it, the President of the United States does it, every-single-human-being does it! That being the case, NOBODY can ever be better than me. I’m serious! Look around the room right now and zero in on the most attractive person you can find. Now, imagine them squeezing one out. See? They aren’t so great now, are they? Well, for a long time I relished in the thought that Leo didn’t think anyone could be better than me. But, now that I’m sitting at Senior Colorado’s and staring down at my burrito especial, I bet that won’t be the case once I turn into his Mexican food shitting girlfriend. Shit.

  “What’s wrong baby, not hungry?”

  I’m super hungry, starved actually. But, my hope is that two bites of this stuff won’t piss off my colon and I can hold it together until he leaves for work in the morning.

  Then I look at his plate of food, beans and all, and realize, holy shit, Leo poops too. I mean, I don’t mind. He’s a man and men shit. But the bathroom in the cottage is right next to the bedroom! WILL I HEAR IT? When will he do it? Tonight? Tomorrow before work? Jesus, what a nightmare! Shhhhhhh, calm down, Chrissy! Remember what Dr. Maria said… When you go from one relationship to another you just trade in one set of problems for another. Okay, I realize pooping isn’t technically classified as a problem, but it sure is the beginning of this relationship turning into something ho-hum. I’ve been watching the clock and counting down the days until Leo officially moved in, but now that it has happened, I sure wish I had eaten more burritos and shit a whole lot more while I was waiting for it.

  Returning to the cottage after dinner, I pretended to need something from the grocery store, and I slipped out to give Leo time to settle in privately. No need to propel this living arrangement into something that feels like we’ve been together for twenty years quite yet.

  An hour later, I sink in next to him in bed where he’s freshly showered, smelling heavenly, and drifting off to sleep. As I’m lying on his chest listening to him breathe, I’m so grateful for the second (or I guess, in my case, fifth) chance to be with him. I start thinking about the first nervous night I walked into his apartment. As he gently placed his hand on the small of my back to guide me in, I nervously wondered what would happen next. Once inside, my eyes darted around in every direction looking for clues about him. Everything about that night was exciting, and I envied single people everywhere for being able to have that anx
ious rush all of the time. I vaguely remember experiencing the same rush when Kurt and I were first together. It died off pretty quickly though…right about the time he took me four wheeling and rifle shooting a few months after we met. I never want the rush to go away with Leo, and I wonder for a second if I stupidly fast-tracked the whole moving-in-together thing. I mean, now that we’re cohabitating, I’ll never be able to experience the rush of him picking me up for a date. You know that exciting moment when you open the door after having spent hours showering, drinking wine, listening to loud music and picking out the most perfect outfit and you imagine him doing the same (well…in a fraction of the time and with beer). Those moments are already gone for us because we’ll be getting ready together. And there’s no mystery about whose bed we’ll be waking up in. I’ve already ripped myself off of that thrill by narrowing the choice down to one. I bet it won’t be long before Leo realizes I actually do poop, that I have incredibly unforgiving periods, that I prefer to sleep in baggy sweats over lingerie, and that I’m secretly obsessed with re-runs of The Golden Girls. And what about his weird stuff? What if he farts in his sleep? What if I catch him picking his nose… scratching his balls…hawking a loogie when brushing his teeth? Before I fall into my own deep sleep, I wonder...Did I rush into this living arrangement?

  “I miss you!”

  “You just saw me three months ago. You can’t miss me that much.”

  “We usually do this every month though. Why did we get off schedule?”

  Kelly’s always been a pale girl, but not right now. Her eyes are bright and her cheeks are rosy. She looks more alive than ever.

  “There really is no schedule here. They say it takes time to adjust to that.”

  Shoving garlic cheese fries into my mouth, “Who’s they?”

  “You’ll find out one day.”

  “Dude, what’s going on with you? It’s like you’re talking in circles or something.”

  Playfully throwing pieces of bread at me she says, “What’s going on with me? More like, what’s going on with you?!”

  “What the heck did I do?”

  “You stayed with Kurt.”

  I abruptly stop dodging the bread and stare at her, confused.

  “No, I didn’t. Did I?”

  “Didn’t look like you were going to, but you did.”

  Shaking my head in frustration because I can’t seem to remember shit from crap to set her straight, “Kel, how come I don’t know what my life is like?”

  She stands as she says, “I don’t think you have it figured out yet.”

  “Wait, why are you leaving?”

  “I’m still busy settling in, and I don’t have a lot of time.”

  “Settling in where?”

  “Sorry, Chrissy, but I don’t know if I can be here next month either. Things are constantly changing.”

  “What are you talking about? Nothing’s changing! This is what we do! We eat the same crappy food and drink the same stupid drinks. It’s a tradition!”

  Totally confused, I stand up and watch her walk away. But then she turns, runs back to me giggling and whispers in my ear, “Guess what? You’re about to be a mommy.” And then she disappears into the mad rush of happy hour at Chili’s.

  With the sheets drenched in sweat, I bolt straight up in bed and scream at the top of my lungs, “KELLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!”

  “Baby, baby, baby, it’s me! You’re having a bad dream!”

  Leo grabs me tightly to try and stop the trembling.

  My eyes dart around the room looking for her, before I tell him, “Kelly was here!”

  “She’s not, Chrissy. You were having a dream.”

  “No, it wasn’t a dream! Her voice was crystal clear!”

  “Baby, I just came back from getting a glass of water, you were sound asleep.”

  “NO, LEO! SHE TALKED TO ME!”

  “Okay, okay, okay, I believe you. What’d she say?”

  Clutching my stomach, “She said…she said…”

  “It’s okay, you can tell me.”

  “She said she loves me.”

  What? It’s not a lie. It’s an omission. Completely different.

  With Leo gently rubbing my back as I try to fall back asleep, I think, wow…dodging poop and talking to dead people. Yep, probably rushed things a little.

  Shit…heads

  May, 2001

  “Okayyyyyyy and what are you gonna do the first time you get the stomach flu?”

  I remain silent.

  “You’re gonna shit your pants is what you’re gonna do!”

  Sitting on the picnic blanket on top of Kelly’s grave for the third-month anniversary of her death, I continue to endure a verbal beating from Nicole and Courtney.

  “Everyone poops Chrissy! Do I have to let you borrow the book on the subject that I bought for my two-year-old son?”

  With beer nearly snorting out of her nose, Nicole chimes in with, “So…like does Leo think he landed the only non-pooping human being on earth?”

  Going in for a gulp of my beer, I mumur, “Are you guys done yet?”

  “No! It sounds like you’re up to the same old shit, no pun intended…that you were up to with Kurt!”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “You’re pretending to be something you’re not.”

  “Yeah, Chrissy. Seems like you’re trying to be all perfect.”

  “Hey, guys! It’s not like I’m taking up ice hockey or scuba diving for the guy! Is it so wrong that I wanna keep the passion alive in this relationship for as long as possible?”

  “Whoa, thought you weren’t afraid of the passion disappearing with this guy!”

  “I’m not, Nicole! Jesus, if it makes you guys feel any better, Kurt didn’t think I went number two either.”

  “Girl, you need to be studied.”

  And then Courtney, “No, more like committed!”

  I gulp down the rest of my beer as I trace the outline of Kelly’s name on her tombstone while the two of them try to compose themselves. When they can finally breathe again, I ask the question I’ve would’ve thought the two of them would’ve asked me by now.

  “So do you guys wanna meet Leo or what?”

  Their quick glances at each other before pointing their heads down to their bottles offers me no assurance that they’re in a hurry.

  “What’s the problem?”

  “Oh, it’s not us. Trust me, we’re dying to meet the guy who stole you away from Kurt.”

  “Let me clarify this for the millionth time, Court! Leo didn’t steal me away from Kurt. I just happen to meet him at the exact moment I realized Kurt was totally wrong for me. Now it’s your turn to clarify…if you want to meet Leo so badly, what’s stopping you?”

  I sit in irritated silence as I listen to the two of them stumble through their answer.

  “Well, you know how far back we all go…”

  “…Yeah, and it’s hard for our husbands to….”

  “…You get it right? They just don’t want to lie to Kurt about…you know…”

  Now it’s my turn to laugh at my friends.

  “So let me get this straight. Your husband’s forbid you from meeting my boyfriend?”

  “No way! Kyle doesn’t forbid me from doing anything!”

  “Yeah and neither does Guss!”

  Sure looks like I hit a couple of doctor nerves. Never one to back down to their over-achieving asses…

  “Great. So then you guys have no problem meeting me and Leo for drinks on Friday night, then?”

  Their nervous glances scream, HUGE PROBLEM!

  “Wow, thanks so much for your support.”

  “It’s not like that, Chrissy. You know we support you!”

  “Yeah, you just have to try and see things from Kyle and Guss’s perspective. They still want to protect Kurt.”

  “He’s a grown man! He doesn’t need their protection. Shit….Kurt barely cared when I left him, why should they?”

  “I don
’t know, maybe it’s because they’re husbands.”

  Hopeful she’ll lend some mature perspective to Nicole’s stupidity, I ask Courtney, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “They sort of think Leo should’ve walked away the minute he found out you were married, like he broke some kind of guy code or something.”

  Now I’m the one with beer snorting out of my nose!

  “Do they actually think Leo walking away would’ve made a difference in the end result? You know what? Why don’t you refresh their memories and remind them that Leo did walk away, and he stayed away for over a year and half…until Kelly convinced me to beg him to come back!”

  Their disgraced faces tell me they already tried this route and it didn’t work.

  “So that’s it, then? Kyle and Guss are choosing sides?”

  It’s almost comical until a nauseating thought occurs to me and my jaw literally drops to the dirt that’s covering Kelly.

  “OH MY GOD! But you know who didn’t leave for a year and a half?”

  If shame had a face it would look exactly like the two of theirs.

  “Did they meet her?”

  Courtney, the tougher of the two, speaks up in their defense. “Guss and Kyle are two of Kurt’s best friends. Of course they met Kayla.”

  Searching for some kind of common sense, my heads snaps in the direction of every tombstone within sight. I scramble to my feet and yell like I’ve never yelled before!

  “AND YOU TWO ARE SUPPOSED TO SHOW ME YOU’RE MY BEST FRIENDS BY BEING EXCITED ABOUT MEETING THE GUY WHO STOLE MY GOD DAMN MARRIED HEART!”

  But their married hearts tell me their hands are tied. I quickly shove my shit in the picnic basket and mumble, “Your husbands can go fuck themselves,” and then I turn and make my way to my car. But another nauseating thought sucker punches me on the way there, and I instantly run back to confront my fraidy cat friends one more time.

  “The two of you have never lied to me before so don’t start now.” They can see it coming, and they hang their heads low when I scornfully ask, “Did you meet her too?”