The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy)

by Chrissy Anderson

  Damage Control

  August, 2001

  The argument that ensued the day after my birthday wasn’t nearly as bad as the one that took place on Leo’s graduation night, but it was up there. When I woke up, Leo was sleeping on the wicker couch in the same clothes he had on the night before. I tip-toed to the fridge to get something to hydrate with/pour over my head, and that’s when he woke up.

  As he rubs his eyes he sleepily asks, “Why did you have to do that?”

  “I’m sorry, what?”

  “You knew he still needed time to get to know you. Why’d you have to push his buttons?”

  “Leo, first, he’s had plenty of time to get to know me. And, second…what about my buttons?” Ouch. My head hurts.

  “Chrissy, have you forgotten about all of the times you screwed me over and who was there for me every single time? If a girl did that to him, she’d never have a chance to get on my good side. At least he’s giving you that.”

  “I’d rather he not give me the chance than taunt me with future failure! Because that’s what he did, you know! He said I’m gonna screw this up…AGAIN!”

  And then a crazy thought occurs to me. Maybe I’m not angry about what Taddeo thinks. Maybe I’m scared that he might be right. Maybe that’s what triggered my ridiculous reaction, which is what I’m assuming I had since Leo’s so angry with me that it made him sleep on the couch. Actually, come to think of it, I don’t remember much about last night, not even how I got home. Last thing I remember is Taddeo telling me I was about to go on an airplane…or was it that I needed to buy new luggage?

  “Baby, you’re not gonna screw this up. Look…I don’t want to fight about this. There was enough of that last night.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  When he sits up, I see his face.

  “OMIGOD! What happened?”

  Exhaling like he’s super disturbed, “Defending your honor, I guess.”

  Oh shit, he got in a fight with the only other person in the world he loves! What the hell did I do last night to have made that happen? Think, think, think…

  Rushing over to him to get a better look, I’m horrified at what I see. “Are you hurt?”

  I hate fights! I hate them so much, my body actually feels the blows of the punches when I see them happening on TV. They’re savage and primeval and they have no place in my life.

  “Not as much as he is.”

  “Why Leo? He didn’t do anything that bad!”

  Did he?

  “It never should’ve come to that!”

  Should it have? God damn it, why don’t I remember anything?

  “I’m not gonna let anyone, Taddeo included, disrespect you to my face. After you left, I told him to take it easy…warned him to back off.”

  “But he didn’t?”

  “Does it look like it?”

  When Leo clasps his hands behind his neck it causes his biceps to flex and it stirs something inside of me. I walk over to him in anticipation of trying to make him forget about last night, but before I get there he leans back on the couch, closes his eyes and shakes his head. My sweet, loving, noble knight in shining armor is hurting and it doesn’t look like it’s from the black eye.

  “Leo, please tell me what can I do to fix this? I know! Gimme his number, I’ll call him and apologize. I’ll tell him he’s right about…whatever it was he was accusing me of being. I’ll do whatever it takes to make things good again with you two.”

  Snapping his head up, “No, Chrissy, he wasn’t right! I never would’ve beat the shit out of him if he was.” Standing and pacing the small living room, he runs his fingers through his black hair and grumbles, “Fuck! This is a mess.”

  That should be my middle name, Chrissy Mess Anderson. I thought I would’ve shed it, along with Gibbons, when I got a divorce, but for some reason it’s globbed onto me.

  Doing the only thing I ever know to do when Leo gets super mad, I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him.

  “I guess there’s one good thing that came out of last night.”

  “Oh yeah, what’s that?”

  “You found out I’m a really bad drunk.”

  I knew things were bad when Leo barely cracked a smile at my joke, broodingly took the Gatorade bottle for a swig, and then silently walked down the hall for a shower. It’s been almost a month since that morning and the same amount of time since he’s spoken to his best friend. However, the same cannot be said about me and my best friends. Courtney and Nicole caught onto the fact that I’d been going to Kelly’s grave a day earlier than anniversary day, courtesy of the creepy lawnmower dude, and to my surprise they were there waiting for me yesterday. The minute I saw them, it hit me how much I’ve missed them. There were massive amounts of apologies on both sides and a speedy invitation to get the gang, plus Leo, together. They hated the fact that Craig had met him before them and said they talked some much needed sense into their unnecessarily loyal and idiotic husbands, hence the pool party Leo and I are invited to attend tomorrow night at Nicole’s house.

  Even though it’s totally the wrong time to spring this on Leo because he’s crazy busy at work and still stewing from the Taddeo nightmare, I accepted the invitation anyway. I had to! I’m the one who caused the big stink to make it happen! Here’s to hoping I still look good in a bikini and that it’s enough to distract Leo from the probable shit show I’m about to put him through.

  Do hast mich

  Do hast mich gefragt

  Do hast mich gefragt

  Do hast mich gefragt und ich hab nichts gesagt

  (Du Hast, Ramstein)

  Gangness

  September, 2001

  “Holy crap…What’s the occasion?”

  Leo walked in from work at precisely the right time and apparently I did too. A second earlier and I wouldn’t have been ready. I showered, got pretty, and quickly changed into my bikini with barely enough time to refresh my lip gloss and make him a double scotch on the rocks before he walked through the cottage door.

  “You look amazing in that thing. Get over here.”

  Grabbing my waist and already untying my bikini top, I wiggle away and hand him the drink.

  “Here, I made this for you!”

  After taking a sip and nearly choking to death, he puts the drink down and makes a joke about me taking the movie Boiler Room way too seriously because not all investment bankers chug hard liquor. Then he attempts to untie my top again.

  “Hold on there, big guy. I actually have to get dressed.”

  Chasing me into the bedroom he yells out, “Unless we’re about to catch a plane to Hawaii, nothing’s gonna stop me from taking that thing off of you!” As he catches me and throws me on the bed, I blurt out, “Would a car ride to Freakmont do the trick?” The mood in the room changes faster than a cat can lick its own ass. Climbing off and standing over me, Leo’s all of a sudden, all business.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “My friend Nicole invited us to her house for a pool party.” And then, as cute as I can muster, “Doesn’t that sound fun?”

  “I assume it won’t just be the three of us swimming…who else is involved with this?”

  “Uh…All of them.”

  “All of who, Chrissy?”

  “The gang…minus Kelly and Numb Nuts, of course.”

  Naturally, he didn’t find that a bit funny.

  “And you found out about this…when?”

  “Does it matter? Your reaction would’ve been then same if I told you now or a week ago.” Sliding off of the bed and peppering his neck with kisses, “See what a good girlfriend I am to have spared you the aggravation?”

  “Yeah, how thoughtful.”

  “C’mon Leo, it won’t be that bad. Please…they’re my friends.” Still kissing his neck, “Can’t you just throw me a bone? I mean, I never complain when I have to hang out with The Ho-Bag.”

  “Okay, one…I was trying to throw you a bone two minutes ago and you rejected i
t. And two, give me a break! It’s not like The Ho-Bag is best friends with one of my ex-girlfriends. But, even if he were, it wouldn’t matter because it’s not like I ever had one for more than five minutes.” Now heading back to the suddenly appealing scotch, “Chrissy, I told you before, I could give a shit about meeting those people.”

  Pulling the waistband of his pants to turn him around and look him in the eyes, “But I do. Please?”

  I won. Twenty minutes later we’re sitting in traffic on the way to Freakmont and listening to the overly annoying German heavy metal band, Rammstein. It’s angry and violent and normally it would turn me on, but right now it makes me wonder what the hell Leo’s preparing for in his mind. When I reach out to hold his hand that’s resting on the center console, his focus doesn’t budge from the road ahead.

  “It’ll be fun. Please try not to worry.”

  “You think I’m worried? Chrissy, my mood right now has nothing to do with being worried. I’m annoyed. I wanted to be alone with you tonight, I wanted to…” And then his voice trails off.

  “You wanted to what?”

  “Forget it.”

  “Please tell me.”

  “It’s not important anymore. But one thing’s for sure, I didn’t want to have to meet…” and then he takes his hands off of the wheel and sarcastically does those mid-air quote thingies, "‘The gang’ tonight.” Turning the music down, “You don’t get it, do you?”

  All of a sudden I feel like a fool. “No. I get it.”

  “Then, why? Why is it so important to you that I fit in with these people?”

  “I don’t know, Leo. I guess there are things I still need to hold on to. Not because of Kur… Sorry. Numb nuts. It’s because of Kelly.”

  “But you have Craig, you have Kendall. And you have your friendships with Nicole and Courtney. They’ll keep her memories alive for you. Why do you need the whole package?”

  Snapping my head at him, “What did you say?”

  “The whole package. What? Is something wrong?”

  I think back to the one and only conversation I had with Kelly on her front porch when she ripped my head off for always needing her, Courtney, Nicole and Kurt as some kind of package. She chastised me for relying on them too much to feel good about myself and she ridiculed my need to always mend the package when it was broken…even when none of them asked me to. But she reminded me that I didn’t function like that when Leo was in my life, because he was all I needed. What was so amazing about the ass-ripping she gave me was that when I thought for sure Leo wasn’t going to be in my life after he told me to take a hike in New York, I was hell bent on proving her wrong by not running back to my package to feel better. I dug deep and became my own package by way of my yoga studios. Kelly was right about everything she said that day, and she changed my life.

  “Why are you suddenly so quiet, Chrissy?”

  And Leo’s also right. I have Craig and Kendall to keep Kelly’s memory alive, and I still have my friendships with Courtney and Nicole that he thinks are fabulous. I’m all of a sudden sick to my stomach because this pool party wasn’t the gang’s idea, I made them do it. Here I am again, with my glue and tape, trying to fix something that nobody asked me to fix. And, I think I know why. This has everything to do with feeling vulnerable with Leo. I want the gang to like him, and I want him to like the gang so he’s tied to more than just me. He might think twice about leaving me one day…if it’s more than just me he’d be leaving.

  Let’s be honest about the subject of break-ups and divorce for a minute. If a woman is sick of her husband because maybe he makes her feel like shit, maybe he’s lazy, maybe he sucks in bed, maybe she was never in love with him in the first place…whatever the reason, that woman will leave her husband just so she can be alone! She’ll leave to get some fucking peace and quiet, or leave to go after some good sex or leave to find true love! A woman is likely to dismantle whatever is standing in her way of happiness. Case in point? Me. But, a man? A man is not going to risk dismantling the gang just to leave his wife. Unlike women, men are lazy and dismantling/disappointing the gang just because a wife treats him like shit or sucks in bed is just too much work for them. (Unless, of course, he’s got a new wife on tap. Men only leave for new wife/girlfriend pussy. Period. End of story.)

  But Leo’s actions and words are so over the top convincing that I’m it for him. The way he makes me feel is proof that I don’t need outside influences to keep us together. So why the hell do I need the gang as some kind of safety net to keep him around? If anything, he should be the more vulnerable one in this relationship! I’m the one with the track record of leaving marriages! God, I’m such an idiot! I need to channel Kelly’s words of wisdom and fuck the gang! In fact, the gang is probably the only reason Leo might want to dump me!

  “Turn the car around.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t wanna go, Leo. This was a stupid idea, and I’m sorry I brought you this far. Let’s just go home.”

  Turning the music loud again, “Nooooooo way, baby. You told them we’re going, so we’re going. I’m not about to make them think I’m intimidated by their….” And here he goes with the quote thingy’s again, “gangness.”

  Nice going, you vulnerable retard. Leo’s acting like he’s about to encounter the Mexican Mafia and your friends are only having this pool party to appease your needy ass. For some insecure lame reason, you thought the gathering was going to make your relationship with your boyfriend more solid? If anything, it’s bound to do the opposite. Those morons waiting for us at Nicole’s house are…a bunch of morons! Jesus, Leo’s not going to stay with me for fear of losing “the gang.” If anything, he’s going to associate me with their idiocy and bolt faster. Nervously staring out of the car window at the dilapidated spray-painted trains along Oakland’s thunderdome-esque stretch of Highway 880, I think…It’s so pretty compared to the utter mess I’m about to step foot into.

  Group Love

  September, 2001

  “What’s it called again?”

  “The Hitachi Magic Wand. It’s also a body massager. I love all of that dual purpose stuff! You really get your money’s worth!”

  “Where do I buy one?”

  “No worries, hunny! I have a few lying around.”

  “Gross! I’m not gonna use one of your second-hand vibrators!”

  “No, no, no sweetie! I always have a few on hand for last minute hostess gifts!”

  After shaking off the shock of that information, I wave at my old friend to continue. “Just tell me how I’m supposed to use the damn thing on him.”

  Two things raced through my mind when Leo and I left Nicole’s house last night. One, although individual members of the gang mean a lot to me, the need to hang onto the group in its entirety is no longer important. And, two… I need to learn some new sex moves to make Leo forgive the fact that I tried to make him a member.

  Thank goodness Craig was already at Nicole’s house when we got there. He handled the introduction of Leo to Guss and Kyle and was the one to promptly smack Guss in the back of the head after he asked Leo if he could get him a free checking account. The smack and his explanation of the difference between being a bank teller and an investment banker for one of the most prominent boutique investment firms in the world did nothing to curb Guss and Kyle’s stupid questions. It wasn’t until Nicole and Courtney made the two of them go away to start the barbeque that I was able to exhale. Like the good friends they are, they handed us ginormous vodka martinis and in unison, told Leo how happy they were to finally meet him. I was surprised to see Courtney wearing make-up and Nicole without a stain on her clothes. It showed me their effort, and I appreciated it. Leo ended up spending most of his time with Craig and a case of beer at a picnic table. Guss and Kyle kept to themselves watching ESPN on the outdoor TV, turning around every so often to size up Leo. And I spent my time running between those two groups and my girlfriends who, after finally getting a look at my boyfriend, were ver
y interested in my sex life. Eventually, after caving into Nicole’s curiosity about whether or not Leo and I have used whip cream on each other, it was time to call it a night. Their husbands grunted something from their lawn chairs as we waved good-bye and my friends kissed us at the door, with Nicole’s kiss to Leo lasting a little longer than necessary. Craig walked us to our car and being the stand up guy he is, apologized for his friend’s idiocy. Leo, being the sharp guy he is, reminded him that he used to work in a rock yard so he’s used to it. The two guys shook hands and off we went. Seeing as though Leo didn’t blow up the house, the evening went off without a hitch. But, I don’t have the desire to ever do it again and neither does he. When he turned to me in the car and said, “Satisfied?” I looked at him and said, “Yes, and now I’ll do whatever I can to satisfy you to make you forget I ever dragged you into this.” Hence the sex lesson from Slutty Co-worker that I’m having in my office right now.

  “Okay, so tell him to lie down on his stomach. Naked of course! Then, start using the wand on his back and shoulders, working your way down to between his legs. Don’t worry, he’ll naturally spread them apart when you apply pressure to his inner thighs.”

  “Easy so far. What’s next?”

  “Well, you just put the wand right up there and start to wiggle it around!”

  “Are you fucking crazy? You want me to stick that entire thing up my boyfriends butt?”

  Slowly and methodically placing her non-fat latte on the table, my dear old friend tediously looks at me and says, “Yeah, hunny…I want you to shove a vibrator up Leo’s ass. OF COURSE NOT! You edge it up to the area between his balls and his asshole!”

  Now it’s my turn to methodically put my latte down. “There’s an entire area right there?”