Holding on to Us

by A. E. Neal

  Zac could only hold onto me for so long, calming me, making sure I wouldn't lose it while I was talking to her. But that was the last straw, I hated myself for making the call in the first place, because hell, I already knew what the outcome would be. I hated the fact that I really loved my mother and she despised everything about me.

  "I love you. Bye, Mom," I said and hung up the phone, slamming it onto the table before sobbing into Zac's chest.

  They say a mother never forgets her child's face, their first words or their first steps. My mother had not only drank away my childhood memories, but she'd put the final nail in the coffin the moment she didn't want to have anything to do with my child.

  "She'll never meet him, she'll never get to see all those things she missed when I was a baby. Never. I will never forgive her. She can go to hell!" I shouted and took another breath. I wasn't going to shed any more tears over a woman who clearly never gave a shit about me in the first place. And because of her, my dad wouldn't be getting a phone call from me either.

  "We have each other, the guys, Ally and Brody. You don't need them in your life if they don't see how amazing their daughter is," Zac said and tucked a damp strand of hair behind my ear and pressed his lips to my forehead. "I love you, Kennedy, and I'll always be here for you, no matter what. I promise."

  It was a sweet gesture, but I was sure Zac of all people, even though he'd grown up ever since I found out I was pregnant, wouldn't be able to keep promises he had no control over.

  "Don't make promises you can't keep," I said, staring into his icy blue gaze.

  "I never make promises I don't intend on keeping," he said and there was some truth to his words, but I, being the paranoid, emotionally damaged girl that I was, only took what he'd said with a grain of salt.

  A few weeks later, as we pulled up to the familiar bar, he held out his hand and helped me out of the car. Sure, my belly was huge and uncomfortable, but I could still walk without waddling...or so I thought.

  "I swear I just grew over night," I said, rubbing my hand over my protruding stomach. "I'm fucking huge."

  "No, you aren't," he said sweetly, taking my hand. "You look beautiful."

  So sweet, but such a liar. I knew I looked like Humpty-Dumpty, teetering back and forth on my stiletto heels.

  "Stupid, why'd I wear these?"

  "Didn't you bring flip flops?"

  "Yeah, but they look dumb with this dress," I said, smoothing the fabric over my belly.

  "You look amazing, no matter what you wear, Ken."

  "Yeah, right," I scoffed as I caught my balance and began to head for the door of Epic.

  Yeah, we were having a baby shower in a bar. Really classy, I know. But Ally assured me, she'd dressed the place up and made it 'cute'. Brody agreed to shut the bar down for the afternoon, so we could celebrate without any of the crazy regulars hanging around and I was actually excited to see all of our friends.

  "Ally made me promise to cover your eyes, so you'd be surprised when we walked in."

  "Ugh," I groaned. "I'll just pretend you did and act excited, 'kay?"

  "I promised," he said and slipped a blindfold over my eyes.

  Usually, when you think of a baby shower, you imagine punch, fun baby games, spend time opening gifts and whatever else it was people did at baby showers. Leave it to my best friend to know all of that stuff would just piss me off. So instead, when the door opened, I was greeted with a shot. Not a real shot, a shot of apple juice, a sash that read "Rockin' Mom to Be" and a giant bear hug from my best friend.

  "It's like a bachelorette party," I said, smiling brightly.

  "Sorta. I knew you'd hate the fluffy shit, so I got you a male stripper, booked you a hot band," she said, winking at Zac, "and there's a due-date pool. A dollar a square and winner takes all."

  "Seriously, a stripper?" I asked, glancing at Zac who just shrugged.

  "No, I'm kidding. Zac wouldn't let me. Party pooper," she laughed and pulled me into the bar.

  Several dozen hugs, well wishes and lots of belly rubs later, Ally lead me to our table in front of the stage where Brody was sitting.

  He still used a cane to walk, but for the most part, he looked better than I'd seen him over the past few months. He wrapped an arm around my best friend and she giggled happily.

  "Congrats, you two," he said, throwing Zac a high-five.

  "Thanks for doing this, man. The place looks great."

  He was right. Instead of the usual boring blue streamers, the place was decorated with silver, black and yellow balloons tied to each centerpiece filled with daisies and every place setting had a tiny rubber duck, each one dressed differently. My favorite was the 'biker duck', which even had tattoos. I scooped it up and tucked it into my bag for safekeeping.

  Gage and Wren stopped in to say congratulations and ended up staying for a few toasts.

  After an hour or so, a few of the girls, including Wren and Ally, hopped on stage and as the music begun, I threw my head back and laughed. Ladies Night by Kool and the Gang started to play. How appropriate, I thought. They really were treating it as my last few months as the independent, single, crazy girl I'd always been and it made me happy. Things could still be fun and exciting, even when you had a baby, right? I thought so.

  Once the girls finished, Alex announced they'd be playing a few of their new songs and I clapped happily as I waited. I took a sip of my sparkling cider and blew a kiss at Zac. Which was intercepted by Alex, and Zac punched him in the arm, mouthing the word, "Dick."

  "Zachary, here, has a song he'd like to sing for his baby mama, Kennedy. Yeah, I thought he couldn't sing either, but let's give him a shot. So, gather 'round folks. Here's Zac and a song he wrote called, Keep You."

  The crowd roared to life and I put my fingers to my lips, whistling like a horny teenage girl.

  He sat on a barstool, pulled his guitar in his lap and began playing the familiar song I'd heard that night in the cantina. It truly was a heartbreaking song, but I'd loved it so much that it felt like everything we'd argued over, fought about and threatened to break up over in the past several months, was a reminder of how far we'd come together.

  Crawled into my heart

  Hiding in the dark

  Chase away the cobwebs

  Bring light into the world

  Drive me to my knees

  Dig into my soul

  I thought it was forever

  Your name fell from my heart

  He sang the lyrics with even more passion than I'd remembered, his eyes closing as he began the chorus.

  And I don’t get to keep you

  I did nothing wrong

  Wandering away

  After I gave you all

  After all the memories have stayed

  I don’t get to get keep you

  I walk alone

  My eyes began to cloud as tears formed. Ally took my hand and I squeezed it lightly. We'd been down the same road so many times before and as I listened, I realized he was my world now, my life, and I would do anything to keep what we had. No matter what it took, he'd never be alone again.

  There is nothing in this world

  That makes you want to stay

  All professions of love

  Hold absolutely no sway

  As the song ended, Zac opened his eyes slowly and smiled. I stood up and clapped. Everyone in the bar hollered and shouted, but he never dropped his gaze from mine. I threw him a few air kisses and he caught them with one hand, placing them over his heart.

  "You guys need a room?" Alex said into the microphone and the crowd whistled loudly.

  I just nodded and took Zac's hand as he jumped off the stage. He pulled me into his arms as I melted against him.

  "I love my song and the sexy guy who sings it," I said.

  He leaned down as I stood on my tiptoes and kissed me.

  "Yeah, you're a keeper," I teased.

  Chapter 32

  Zac

  "Holy shit, really?" I stood, starin
g at Alex in shock.

  "Yeah, they offered to fly us out, put us up and pay for everything."

  "Seriously, you're not fucking with me, are you?"

  "Look," he said as he scrolled through the emails on his phone, pulling up one from our agent, Brantley Fisher.

  "We have six of our own songs already written. With the song you wrote, that makes seven. Just need fifteen in total, then we hit the recording studio and bam, that's it."

  I read the proposal and couldn't believe my eyes. It had to be too good to be true, I thought. We'd been playing as a cover band for so long, that I'd figured we'd pretty much just signed on to play in bars for the rest of our lives. I had to hand it to Alex, even though he was a jackass most of the time and a womanizer, he'd put the band first and foremost over everything the past six months. He'd gotten us other gigs around town, including a frat party and a wedding. It was go big or go home now, and I'd never been so excited in my life. People were finally going to hear our music.

  "Brantley's sending over a contract later today. We've got to do this, man. By this time in two weeks, we'll be on a plane to LA and recording our own music," he said excitedly, but my heart sank.

  "She's due in two weeks," I said solemnly.

  "Shit, man. I forgot."

  "I'll figure something out," I said, running a hand through my hair.

  "I'm sure she'll understand. You're practically famous." He slapped a hand on my shoulder and returned to the dressing room with a bottle of whiskey, chanting, "Shots! Shots! Shots!"

  On my drive back to the townhouse, I stopped to pick up a bottle of sparkling cider for Kennedy and a six-pack of beer for me. Hopefully, she'd take the news well, and we could just sit back and celebrate together.

  Her last appointment with Doctor Keller was good and the baby was growing. He was healthy, but causing a lot of strain on Kennedy's back. She'd already started her maternity leave, but refused to stay home and rest, claiming it was her last month of freedom before sleepless nights, diaper changes and nursing.

  She'd practically turned into a fish, spending everyday at the pool in her tiny bikini that barely covered her enormous breasts and ass. She protested when I would tell her to cover up, saying that it still fit and she didn't want to wear an ugly maternity suit that made her look like the other half of the Titanic bobbing up and down in the water, waiting to sink. I couldn't blame her, it was pretty hideous.

  I parked in my usual spot in front of our townhouse. Since I'd moved back in almost three months ago, most of my stuff was still in boxes in the basement and I had fought Kennedy for space in her closet, which landed my clothes in the baby's room. I didn't miss having my own place, what I'd missed was waking up next to her every morning while I was away. But as they said, absence made the heart grow fonder.

  In the mornings, she would wake up early, roll over and look at me those big, beautiful, hungry eyes, which made all the time apart from her worth it. Pregnancy had done amazing things for our sex life, too. She couldn't get enough it seemed, and was willing to try just about anything, which was a total turn on. However, over the last couple of weeks, she'd been sore, moody and tired all the time, so there was no mattress mambo to be had and I missed her touch.

  "Skittles?" I called as I closed the door behind me.

  "In here," she said from the baby's room.

  I peeked in to find her folding tiny clothes and placing them neatly in one of the dresser drawers. She looked gorgeous, even in her yoga pants and worn band t-shirt, I still wanted to get her naked.

  "Hey," she smiled over her shoulder and sauntered over to me.

  "Miss me?" I asked and she laughed.

  "I always miss you." She pressed her belly into me and I assumed our little Skittle was sleeping, since he usually kicked the crap out of her when I was around. I placed my hand over her belly and she covered it with her own.

  "He sleeping?" I asked.

  "I think so. I haven't really felt him move much today."

  That concerned me. "Is that normal?"

  "I guess, I don't know," she said, putting her hands on her lower back and sticking her stomach out. "My back is killing me."

  "I'll give you a massage later, if you want," I offered and she smiled.

  "Thanks, I'd like that," she said as I leaned down to kiss her.

  I followed her into the kitchen and she lifted the lid on the crockpot, the most delicious scent wafted through the air and my mouth watered.

  "What is that?"

  "Dinner. Made your favorite."

  Seriously? She was too good to be true, and I knew it.

  "Chicken and dumplings?" I asked excitedly.

  "Yup. But they still have an hour to cook, so back away from the crockpot," she scolded.

  "Damn," I said. I was starving. It'd been one of the longest practice sessions the band had in a long time. Which reminded me.

  "I have some really good news," I said and she took a seat at the kitchen table.

  "I hear a 'but' in there, somewhere." She saw right through me. Figured.

  "There is, but let me explain first, okay?"

  "Sure, I'm all ears."

  "The band got a record deal. They're offering to fly us out to LA and pay for everything."

  Her eyes lit up and I was sure that if she wasn't almost nine months pregnant, she would've jumped up and down screaming. "That's so awesome, congrats, baby!" She saw the look on my face and her smile quickly fell to a frown. "Oh no. What?"

  "We leave in two weeks," I said quietly.

  "What? No, Zac. You have to be here. You have to."

  I reached out and took her trembling hand. "I will, I promise. I'll be here. I'll figure out a way to fly back and be with you, even if I have to pay for the tickets myself. I won't leave you to do this alone."

  Tears formed in her eyes as her head tilted toward me. "I can't do it alone, Zac. I can't," she said and began crying.

  I scooted my chair forward and pulled her against me. She sniffled into my chest. "I cant," she repeated and my heart sank.

  Sure, being signed by a major record label was any band's dream, but at that moment, I wanted nothing more than to take it all back, just so I didn't have to see her cry.

  I held her there for a moment, before she looked up at me with red rimmed eyes. "You have to do this, Zac. It's your dream, what you've been working so hard toward for so long, you'd be stupid to pass this up. And if I only get to see you on the weekends or whatever, I'm okay with that."

  "Really? You sure you're not just saying that?"

  "I'm sure. I support you and whatever you have to do to make this happen, you have to do it or I'll never forgive myself for being the one who stopped you from following your dream."

  I pressed my lips to her forehead. "God, I fucking love you."

  She giggled and we held each other until the timer went off, letting us know dinner was ready.

  Chapter 33

  Kennedy

  "He promised he'd be back in time for the baby's birth," I told Ally and she huffed.

  "I can't believe you're okay with this. I mean, you could pop any day, doesn't he know that?"

  "He knows, I've told him. But he also said if anything happened, he'd be on the next flight home."

  "It's a two-hour flight, not counting traffic or anything else that could slow him down."

  "Al, it's fine. I've read all kinds of stuff online that says the first time having a baby takes the longest. I'm talking like twelve hours."

  "I still don't like it, Ken."

  "Me either, but I won't be the person who stands in the way of what he really loves...and that's music."

  "You won't, but I can," she said.

  "Please don't say anything to him. It'll just make him feel worse than he already does."

  "Fine, but I swear if he fucks up, I'll cut his balls off myself and hand deliver them to you in a pretty box, with a bow and everything."

  I laughed. I loved my best friend.

  "Thanks fri
end, I'll keep that in mind. Oh hey, I gotta go, he just got home."

  "Love you."

  "Love you, too."

  I ended the call, just in time to meet him at the door. "Everything's all set. We had to pack up all the gear and Chris is gonna drop it off at the airport in the morning," he said as he kissed my forehead like he always did when he got home.

  "Missed you," I purred and batted my lashes at him.

  He wrapped his arms around what little waist I had left and pulled me into him.

  "He sleeping?"

  "I think so."

  "Good, 'cause I wanna give my woman some hot lovin'," he teased, running his lips over mine, down my neck and across the peaks of my breasts.

  The heat from his breath ignited a fire that had fizzled in the depths of my body. He entwined his fingers in my hair, tilting my head back, so he could cover my jaw and neck with kisses.

  My hands instinctively explored under his t-shirt, over his tight muscles along his stomach and chest. It had been weeks, since I'd felt his bare skin against mine and I wanted nothing more than to get him naked.

  His mouth moved feverishly over mine, devouring me with every kiss.

  "Bedroom," I whispered, but he paid no attention.

  With both hands tucked under my bottom, he lifted me onto the kitchen counter and I spread my legs wide. He inched his finger tips along the inside of my thighs, reaching for the waistband of my yoga pants and pulling them down my legs.

  My skin chilled in the cool air conditioned room and my nipples strained against the fabric of my bra, begging to be released.

  "Zac," I breathed. "My back." My lower back began to ache again and as much as I loved hot kitchen sex, I craved the softness of my bed.

  I slid to the edge of the counter and he scooped me into his arms, careful to mind my protruding belly. He carried me into our bedroom and lay me gently on the bed. He slowly pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it to the floor, followed by his shorts and boxers, leaving him gloriously naked.