Love,
Your Baby Girl,
Maura
I seal the letter and set it on the counter in the kitchen where I know he will see it. I grab my leather jacket that I use for riding in cooler weather, throw on my boots and lock the door behind me.
*****
There is something about riding long distances on a bike. The monotony of the road eventually paves some clarity to your destination. I rode the first night for hours until my hands cramped and my ass ached. I headed south and stopped at a cheap motel. In my haste to get out of town, I left my phone charger behind, and decided that, right now, maybe it’s for the best. I don’t really want to talk to anyone. The second day of riding takes me into the Carolinas. I stay in a touristy beach town. I have no real destination in mind, just that the weather south is nicer for riding. On the third day, I continue south on I-95 and ride past a sign for Camp Lejeune. The sign does more than tell me I’m by a Marine base. It also alerts me to the fact that I am headed in the wrong direction. At the next exit, I get off the highway, refuel and turn north heading back the way I came. It may have taken me days, but I’m finally on the right track.
Four long days on the road gave me a lot of time to reflect on the past month’s events. Regret. It’s a hard burden to bear. There are a lot of feelings I've tried to sort through with sadness and disgust being key. Regret. If I had just listened to Corbin when I overheard him talking, things would be so different. I wouldn’t have left him. I would have actually had the opportunity to tell him I love him. I would not have hurt Dawson. The thing about regret is there is nothing you can do about it. You can make choices that affect the rest of your life and the only thing you can do is live with it; accept the bad choices you have made and own it.
My name is Maura McCafferty. I take men who love me and I destroy them. If there was a scarlet letter I could wear to keep the men at bay, it would be a W. I would wear it proudly, to let them know I'm a wrecker. If you love me I will wreck you.
*****
It’s early evening by the time my bike hits the familiar gravel. I pull up to the bed and breakfast, shut off my bike and spot Rosalina on the side of the house taking out the trash. She sees me as she shuts the lid, and smiles. Her gaze drifts over to my bike and a look of confusion spreads across her brow. I walk towards her and we meet in front of the porch.
“Sweet girl. It’s so nice to see you.”
She embraces me in a hug that is so tight and protective. I imagine that if I’d had a mother, this would be the type of hug I would receive from her. Her arms give me the comfort that only a mother’s arms could give. Yeah, granted I have Mickey and he’s great, but let’s face it, he’s not always big on the warm and fuzzies. Hugging Rosalina gives me permission to be whomever I need to be. It’s a feeling I’m unaccustomed to, but I welcome it. A few tears leave my eyes. I’m relieved that right now I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Rosalina pulls away from the hug and notices my tears. She swipes her fingers under my eyes.
“Now, now, I’m sure you’re exhausted from your ride. How about we get you settled in a room, and then we can sit down, have some tea, and you can tell me what’s troubling you. Sadly, I’m afraid I only have one guest right now. This time of year really slows down, so I have the Music Room, if you want it?”
Can I stay in the Music Room? Can I face the place where Corbin and I made love? Will that be punishing myself and rubbing salt on the wound? In a quick second, I think all of these things, and then I realize Rosalina is waiting for an answer, “I’ll take it.”
I enter the room, setting my bag down on the chair that sits next to the door. I sit on the edge of the bed and inhale in hopes that Corbin’s scent still lingers in the air but all I smell is freshly cleaned linens. Memories of Corbin want to invade my senses, but I shake them off, feeling unworthy of those thoughts. I stand up and pace the room, trying to release a little nervous energy. I grab my bag and start to put my things away. My dead cell phone stares at me, reminding me that I need to stop and get a charger. I decided on my journey that I was not anxious to talk with anyone and have put off getting one. During my trip, I could’ve stopped at any of the thousand Walmarts I saw, but I suppose a part of me was reveling in the freedom of my solitude.
I make my way downstairs and Rosalina is sitting on a bar stool in the kitchen. She has tea already poured for me, sensing I would not be very long. She pats the stool next to her.
“Come dear, have a seat. I want to hear what’s going on with you, but first I have some tea.” I follow her directions and sit down beside her. She sets a plate in front of me.
“Fresh zucchini bread. Eat first. Sometimes, it’s easier to talk once you have something in your belly.”
I take a bite of the bread, “Oh my God, Rosa! This is delicious.”
“You’ll wake up early tomorrow, and we will bake.”
“Okay,” I say in between bites and actually look forward to something for once in a long time. I sip my tea, and think about what I can and can’t tell Rosalina, so I decide on the truth. I’m going to tell her everything. I’m going to trust her to keep my secrets about the club, because not trusting is what got me in to this mess.
I take a deep breath and begin, “I grew up unconventionally, in a motorcycle club with my dad and his friends. Life in the club is, well, different. I'm sure you can imagine that it isn’t always on the up and up, if you know what I mean.” Rosalina nods, her eyes conveying only compassion; no judgment lies there. So, I tell her everything. I tell her about Dawson and Corbin, and the men in my cottage. I tell her how I betrayed Corbin’s trust. Then, I tell her the disgusting way I treated Dawson. I ruined my friendship with him and sealed the fate of anything ever happening between Corbin and me. I finish by making sure she understand that this is not something I'm supposed to discuss.
“Oh child, you have been through a lot. Haven’t you? Things will work out the way they are meant to. You’ll see. If things are meant to be with Corbin, then perhaps they will work out. Life has a way of giving you what you can handle, even if you don’t know that at the time. And it sounds like this Dawson loves you. He may have had his head, how do you say it, up his ass.” I giggle at Rosalina swearing and it feels good to have a genuine smile. She smiles at me and continues, “People can cloud their judgment with should haves, because it seems like what we are supposed to do. I should get married. I should buy a house. I should have a 9-5 job, and have 2.5 kids in a traditional nuclear family. It’s all nonsense, and it can really make a mess of things, but you’re both young and it’s easy to make mistakes. Sounds like he wants you because he thought you should be together not because you two actually have been working at a relationship. When you talk to him again, make sure he knows that you care about him. I bet he’ll come around. Now, I'm guessing you’re tired. I want you to take a long bath and relax. You are safe and we all make bad choices, but it’s how you pick yourself up that really matters.”
I smile at Rosa, “Thank you. Corbin did me the biggest favor bringing you into my life and even if we are never going to be together I'm so grateful.”
I do as I'm told and take a long bath, washing away my worries. My talk with Rosalina really did wipe away some worry. Maybe she’s right and things will work out. By the time I dry off and get into bed, I am filled with a feeling I haven’t felt in a while - hope.
The next morning, I'm in the kitchen waiting for Rosalina before the sun is even up. We start making breads for the day, and as promised she teaches me how to make zucchini bread. The kitchen is filled with the most delicious smells. The bed and breakfast’s only guest is downstairs at seven. She is an older lady who is visiting her sister, but didn’t want to impose. We send her with fresh breads to bring to her sister’s house. By the time ten o'clock rolls around I'm tired, but I remember I need to run into town for a new charger.
“Hey Rosa, I'm running into town for a charger. Is there anything you need while I'm out?”
“No ne
ed for that. In the kitchen, furthest drawer on your left; it’s completely filled with chargers. That’s one of the most popular things people leave behind.”
I follow her instructions and sure enough she was right, there is a charger that fits my phone. I take it up to my room and plug it in. I'm sure my dad is a bit worried. It’s charged for maybe five minutes before it starts to ring. I slide the answer bar over, “Daddy?”
Chapter 18
“Maura! Oh my fecking God, it’s you. Are you okay? Where are you? Are you hurt? Did someone hurt you? So help me if someone hurt you, I will gut them.” Whoa. My dad sounds panicked and I'm not sure why.
“Daddy, of course, I am okay. Calm down.”
“For feck’s sake woman, start talking now! Where are you? Who has you?”
“Mickey!” I snap. “What do you mean who has me? Didn’t you get my note? I left it, clear as day, on the refrigerator, so you wouldn't miss it. My head has been a jumbled mess since I screwed everything up with Corbin. I needed to get out of town. I left that all in the note that you apparently didn’t get, or you wouldn’t be freaking out so hard core right now.”
“Jesus, Maura. You’re okay, then?”
“Yeah, Daddy. I'm fine. What’s going on? Why do you sound so frantic?”
“I've had every brother from every chapter looking for you. Do you know the favors I've had to call in from different clubs.”
“Well, if you had read my note, Daddy, you would’ve known that I'm fine.”
“And was it too much for you to turn on your phone? It’s been five days, Maura. Five days!”
Okay, I admit that I probably should’ve stopped while I was on the road, bought a charger and checked in, but I just needed a break.
“Daddy, I’m sorry. I was riding for a while, ya know? Not really sure where I was going at first, and then by the time I was done riding for the day, I was dead tired. I left my charger at home. I know I should’ve stopped to get one. Are you okay? Is everyone okay?”
“Baby Girl, you don’t know what I thought.” Oh shit.I've never heard Dad this worried.
“Where are you? I’ll meet you.”
“Daddy, I'm not quite ready to come back yet. Something really stupid happened with me and Daws, and I made a huge mistake. I've been making a lot of those lately. I just need to get my head on straight.” My voice quivers as I say this to him, showing some of my vulnerability.
“Maura, I'm going to ask you this one more time, and if the first words out of your mouth are not your location I don’t care that you are twenty years old, I swear I will throw your arse over my knee.”
“Geez Dad, I'm at a bed and breakfast.”
“Bed and breakfast?” He questions. I hear a voice in the background say something like I know where she is.
“Oh my God! Dad, was that Corbin? It sounded like him in the background.”
“Yeah, it was, Baby Girl. I told you I called in every favor I could think of.”
“Wait. Why did you say was?”
“It looks like I’m not on my way, ‘cause your boy over here flew out the door mumbling that he knew where to find you.”
Holyshitballs! Corbin is coming here.
I take a deep breath, “Daddy, I’m so sorry I worried you. I can’t believe you didn’t get my note.”
“Ah well, our place was tossed. Some young dumb thugs tore it up, so it’s the biggest reason we thought something happened to you.”
“I really didn’t mean to worry you. Tell everyone I'm okay and I’m sorry. I love you and I promise to keep my phone fully charged. Oh shoot, Dad. Jenny has a friend who needs a job. I told her I would see if we had anything, but I was actually hoping you could have her work in the office?”
“Sure Maura, we’ll take care of it. I love you, Baby Girl.”
We hang up the call, and I'm shell shocked to say the least. All this time, I've been throwing this pity party and here my family is worried sick that something has happened to me, and now Corbin is on his way. What have I done to my family, worrying them the way I have? I add this to the list of mistakes that I've made, and vow to not repeat them. My family loves me. Dawson loves me. If I'm lucky, Corbin loves me. And yet, I keep making mistakes with everyone I love.
I jump out of my thoughts. Oh for the love of all things holy, Corbin is on his way. I rush into the bathroom and turn on the shower. As the water heats up, I stare at my reflection in the mirror before it disappears from the steam fading it away. My reflection doesn’t tell the story of a woman who has wronged, the way that my insides do. It shows a strong woman, but inside I feel anything but.
Once in the shower, I shave, pluck and wash every part of me that can be groomed. If there is any chance that I can right my wrongs, then I’m going to look my best doing it. Maybe, I can remind him of what he loves, and what I would give for him to still love me? Not that I'm expecting him to forgive me, but I have to hope that the reason he is on his way is because there is something for me to hope for.
Mickeyism #102
To have hope is to have the strength to endure. It’s a much stronger emotion than fear. If you have the choice to choose hope or fear, choose hope.
I finish my long shower and take my time getting ready. I’m anxious and nervous and I can’t help the shake in my hand as I pull the brush through my brown locks. I throw on my favorite jeans and a long-sleeved white sweater. The sweater is a thin material and hangs off one shoulder, so I have to wear a white cami underneath it. I walk downstairs slowly, almost dreading what’s to come, because there is a chance that this could be goodbye. I find Rosalina in the kitchen on her hands and knees wiping up a spill. She stands and throws the paper towel out in the trash can.
“You look nice, dear. What’s the occasion?”
“You’re never going to believe this, Rosa. My dad’s place got trashed, and he never saw the note I wrote him telling him I was leaving. Everyone has been looking for me, including Corbin, and now he’s on his way here. What am I going to do?”
“What do you mean? Isn’t it good that he is on his way here? What are you afraid of?”
“What am I not afraid of? I’m so afraid I’m going to take one look at him and never want to walk away from him again? I’m afraid that once he learns the truth, he will never forgive me? I’m afraid I botched my only shot at love.”
“Come here,” She embraces me, “Stay honest and true to who you are. If he loves you enough, he will love you enough to forgive you. Sweet girl, if you truly care about someone, you are willing to open your heart and accept them. Sometimes the person you love is flawed, yet deserving of forgiveness. Is it going to be easy? Probably not. Is it going to be worth it? I’ll let you answer that one.”
My palms are sweating. I'm doing my best to try and remain calm, even though right now every little noise is making me jump in anticipation. I'm both excited to see Corbin again and terrified. I'm sitting on a white porch swing, but my feet are planted firmly to the ground, so that the squeak from the swing doesn’t startle me. The bed and breakfast is a few hours from home, and it’s been just over that.
Eventually, I spot his Navigator coming down the small road leading to the bed and breakfast. Breathe in, breathe out, I tell myself one last time, before he opens his car door. I stand to greet him, but it goes against my body’s natural pull to jump up and run into his arms. He stands in front of me with a heated gaze, but I can’t quite pinpoint every emotion I see. Could it be anger? Sadness? Lust? All of those? I feel conflicted from the look in his eye. I’m unsure of what to say. Finally after a long stare, he comes to me.
“You’re okay?” His arms move around me and my head finds the place on his chest that is so comforting, right against his heart. The rapid beat confirms how much emotion he’s feeling. I curl my hands upwards on his back, holding him closely.
“I’m so sorry,” I finally manage to blurt out. He moves my head away from him his body grabbing each side of my face and stares into my eyes.
; “I can’t believe you are okay? When Mickey called me, I was doing training in a swamp, and I didn’t get the message for hours. I was so afraid that it was wasted time, and that something was happening to you, and I couldn’t get to you.”
He looks deeply into my eyes, trying to convey his fear and searching for something. For what, I'm not sure.
“I was so scared. I picked up the guys who trashed your place, and it didn’t take us long to figure out that they didn’t have you. I can’t believe you came here. I thought I lost you more than I already had, and it gutted me.”
Hearing his confession and his acknowledgment of having already lost me, leaves my heart aching. His lips press against mine. It’s a slow kiss. His eyes remain open staring back at me, searching. Corbin moves away from the kiss.
“You didn’t lose me. I might’ve run, but I was always yours. God, I was such a fool. I wish I knew that you knew who the guys at the cottage were. Dad told me you told him about them. And when I overheard you talking at the party, I just assumed you were using me to take down the club. I’m so sorry. I should’ve never left you.” My voice wobbles; a reminder of how unsteady I am.
“No, you should’ve asked me about it like grown ups do. If they have a problem, they talk about it.” He has a little more edge to his voice as he continues, “Let me ask you this, Maura. Were you mine when Daws was fucking you, or did he force you? ‘Cause I need to know right fucking now if I need to turn around and start a war with your family, or if I need to just get back in the truck and leave?”
Wreck You Page 16