I’m shocked that he knows about Dawson. I feel bile hit the back of my throat. It makes me feel sick that I did this to him. Tears well up in my eyes.
“No.” My eyes move to the ground. I'm too ashamed to look at him.
“No, what Maura? No; he didn’t force you? Or no; I shouldn’t get in my truck?”
“No to both.”
“Say it!”
“He didn’t force me.” Tears are running down my cheeks at my confession. He turns and walks back to his Navigator.
I know in every fiber of my being that if he gets in his Navigator that I will never see him again. A desperation that I didn’t know I was capable of feeling comes over me. I run in front of him, and place my hands on his chest to stop him. I try to dig my heels in the ground to halt his movements, but it is no use. Corbin doesn’t stop. His frame and his force give me a quick reminder that he is a trained killer and I'm small. There is no stopping a man of his magnitude. He continues to walk as he reaches for the door handle. I throw my body in front of it to block him from leaving. I know it’s a futile attempt but I have to try.
“Don’t go! Please hear me out. Don’t run like I did. You’re right. I was a child. Just stop and listen to me. I need to tell you what happened.”
In a flash, I'm completely weightless as he picks me up and moves me to the side.
“Get outta my way Maura. I’m not running, I’m walking away. Maybe we moved too fast. Maybe what we had wasn’t real, ‘cause I can assure you, from the moment you left me, the thought of being with another woman never crossed my mind. I didn’t want anyone else. Now, I can see that it wasn’t the same for you. Guess I should've figured that it was him you wanted when you called him right in front of me. So, no, I’m not running, I’m walking away from you ‘cause right now... I'm pretty sure, I don’t know you.”
His movement is quick and I don't have the chance to react before he is behind the wheel with the door closed.
“Don’t go! Don’t go! I’m sorry!” I yell as he puts the truck in reverse and starts to pull out. I fall to my knees in the driveway and stare as the man who has my heart slowly begins to back away with it. Tears run freely down my face and I'm no longer the woman who was once concerned with showing weakness. Corbin’s eyes are still locked on mine as he sits at the end of the driveway waiting to pull out. I mouth the words that have never been spoken to each other.
“I love you.”
“Fuck!” He roars, we’re far away but I can still see that’s what he’s screaming. Corbin slams his fists hard on his steering wheel. Instead of pulling out, the Navigator speeds forward and stops in front of me. Corbin exits the truck and walks past me, where I'm still on my knees. Without saying anything, he walks into the bed and breakfast and I'm left staring at the screen door, as it slams behind him.
I don’t know how long I kneel on the ground. He came back I tell myself, willing myself to get up. He didn’t say anything to me, but the fact that he is here gives me hope.
I feel a hand on my shoulder, “He’s up in your room. I’m going to head into town for a few ingredients, so the house is empty. Why don't you get up and go fight for your Marine.” Rosalina offers her hand to help me up. I take it and decide that fighting for him is exactly what I will do.
I walk up the stairs to the Music Room, quietly opening the door. He is on the phone and eyes me suspiciously while finishing his conversation.
“Yes, Sir. I understand, Sir,” after another long pause, “Right away, Sir.”
He disconnects the call, placing the phone on the dresser and sits down on the bed. If there was ever a time for me to fight for us, it’s right now because I know that if I blow this chance I won't get another. I have to lay it all out there, bare everything and hope that when I’m done, he will let me make it right.
“I don’t want Daws. I never have. It’s always been you,” I pause taking a deep breath, and then continue.
“When I was five years old, I saw my dad beat another man, a man I was close to and called uncle. I didn’t know what it was about, but what I do know is that when my dad was done, no one helped the guy. They left him laying on the ground unconscious, until eventually, a prospect came and dragged him away. I was scared, understandably so for a five year old girl. I remember Dad wiping blood from his knuckles as he began to speak, ‘He was going to hurt the club Maura,’ he said. ‘He was a snitch. This club is your family. We never turn on our family and we never snitch. We are only ever as good as our brother standing next to us. If one of them is unloyal, it hurts us all. Remember that.
This family will have your back and be more loyal to you than blood, but if you snitch on them it will get you killed.’
“See, even as a small girl, it was ingrained in me to protect the club. When I overheard you, all that went through my mind was that you were a threat to the club, to my family. I've seen people try to get close to the club only because they wanted to gain something from it.”
Corbin makes eye contact with me for the first time, since I began my story.
“And you thought I was trying to gain something?” He squints his eyes as he waits to hear what I have to say.
“I had just left the bathroom where I overheard that Tracey girl saying how she has been with you and you always come back to her and that it’s typical of you to use women. I knew you were keeping something from me about her. And then, after not being able to find you, I start to search you out and I overhear you say that name, Raul. I heard you it say back at the cabin.”
Corbin’s voice is firm, not letting out emotion as he speaks, “First, if you thought I wasn’t being honest about Tracey, why not ask me about it? I admit, I did sleep with her once, a long time ago, and that was it. I didn’t want to say anything to you, because it’s so far in the past, it’s laughable. I can only guess that she knew you were in the bathroom and set you up. It’s Tracey’s MO. She’s a malicious bitch, and exactly the reason I'm not with her. Second, I’m still trying to find out how this ends with you fucking Daws.”
I take a deep breath and continue, not sure if I feel better that what Tracey said wasn’t exactly true, or if I feel even more foolish for believing her.
“When I left you, I had Daws pick me up. I was broken. He literally had to pick me up off the bathroom floor.” I can’t help the tears that begin to fall as I admit how broken I was. “I think when I walked away from you, I left a part of me, because the next few weeks flew by and I was not the Maura anyone recognized. I wasn’t eating. I was working and drinking, and being a bitch. Daws brought my bike to me and we went riding. I really think he was doing everything he could to try and bring me back to my old self. We went up to the overlook that we’ve been to dozens of times before. He kissed me. At first, I resisted, but then I let myself close my eyes and pretend it was you. I know it was wrong, but you have to know I thought I’d never see you again, and for just a few minutes, I felt like if I could keep my eyes closed, it might feel like you were there with me. Then, he spoke and brought me out of my fantasy. He was inside me, and I started crying. He figured out what I was doing, and he stopped. He threw my clothes at me, started to flip out, and left. I used him; he didn’t force me. I hurt him and I hurt you. I’m so sorry. If I could take it back and change it, I would. God, sorry doesn’t even feel like a strong enough word. You have no idea, I would change so much. I would do anything not to feel the ache in my chest that I'm feeling right now. Because it hurts. It hurts so fucking bad. I hurt you. I destroyed so much. I'm not even sure I can learn to forgive myself, let alone sit here and ask you for forgiveness,” I finish and I huff out a breath.
I've laid it all out there, and it’s up to him. He is going to forgive me or he’s not.
“Was it true?” Corbin asks moving closer to me, so that he stands directly in front of me.
“Is what true?” I say looking up at him perplexed.
“The words I saw you say when I was about to leave. The words that made me come back.”
/>
“Yes, they are true! I love you! I. Love. You. I love you so much it’s destroying me. I love you and sometimes I wish I didn’t, ’cause then I wouldn’t hurt so bad, or be so afraid that you won't forgive me. I’m sorry and I love you. I wish I said it to you before all of this shit. I wish I had told you the last time we made love.”
Corbin pulls me in close to him, he is still standing and my head is against his stomach. We stay this way for a while, encompassed in each other’s embrace.
Finally, Corbin lifts my tear-drenched face upwards so that I'm looking at his icy blues that couldn’t feel colder if they tried. His voice is hard and doesn’t give away what he is feeling.
“I’m not sure if I can forgive you. I want to. I want what we had back so bad. I just don’t know if I can trust you,” His voice has softened and I feel a small amount of hope; that he at least wants to forgive me.
“I’d do anything for you to trust me again. I’ll prove to you….”
He cuts me off. “I have to leave. The phone call was my superior.” He pulls away from our embrace, and I try to cling to him again feeling like he is leaving for good.
“Will you call me?” My lip quivers as I ask the question.
“I don’t know.”
He heads for the door to leave and I instinctively follow him. He walks outside to the Navigator, and I throw my arms around his neck before he gets in. His body language is hard, keeping his feelings hidden. I wish I could see the softness there. I wish he was screaming at me telling me he loves me too, but he isn’t. He’s leaving. I understand why he’s guarded, but I wish like hell he wasn’t.
“Please tell me this isn’t goodbye?” He doesn’t answer my question. He pulls me in closer to him. I breathe him in, wanting to capture every part of this moment with him, in case it’s my last.
Chapter 19
I flip the phone in my hand over and over again, as if by moving it I can make another message appear. It has been weeks since Corbin left. I've gotten one message from him. I read it over and over again.
Corbin: Leaving on a mission, been thinking a lot, just want you to know that I love you too.
That’s it. That one message has filled me with hope and kept me hanging on. I texted back right away but got no reply. That message could be a goodbye, but I am choosing to believe that he sent it to tell me to keep fighting for us.
I’ve stayed with Rosalina at the bed and breakfast. I’m not ready to go home yet. The peacefulness of this place has made my mind a lot more clear. I've been reading a lot and taking a lot of walks. Fall has come on strong and winter is following all too soon. The air is starting to chill considerably.
I help Rosalina with cooking and cleaning, and have found that the task of taking care of others has helped. I’m no longer walking around like I'm a zombie the way I was when I was at the clubhouse. Although there is still so much uncertainty about Corbin and myself, I can’t help but feel like he is going to forgive me one day, and that hope is a powerful feeling.
Rosa tried to tell me that I didn’t need to pay for my room here since I've been helping out, but I refuse to take advantage of her kindness so I've been finding other things that I’ve been able to do to help. She has a room on the third floor that she said was a work in progress. It’s a spacious attic that has had drywall put up on the outer walls, but little else. Last weekend, I called Dad and asked if he could ask around if any of the guys wanted to earn some extra cash to refinish the floors and frame out walls for a bedroom and bath. Jarod and his cousin Michael, who is considering becoming a prospect, came up. It was perfect, because when they showed up with their truck and trailer, Rosa was at the store. By the time she returned, they were already hard at work. She was surprised and pleased with the work they had done. Thinking about her reaction still brings a smile to my face.
The sound of my phone ringing brings me out of my thoughts.
“Hey Jenny,” I answer excitedly. I've talked with her a lot recently. I let her know what happened with Daws and Corbin.
“Hey girl, how ya doing?” She asks a little cautiously.
“Today’s a really good day.”
“Have you heard from him yet?”
I pause before answering, “No not yet. What are you up to?”
“Nothing really, I just finished reading an article. I’m at work. I’m so bored. We have barely had any clients come in today.”
“What was the article about?” I ask very curiously, because Jenny is not a reader.
“Oh, it’s a good one. It’s called “How Anal Saved My Marriage and It Can Save Yours Too.”
I chuckle, not even surprised a little.
“Where did you find that?”
“Cosmo, baby. Anyways, have you decided yet if you are coming home for the club’s Halloween party?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t talked to Daws yet, and I feel strange going there without talking to Corbin again.”
“I have a feeling that everything is going to be okay with Daws, and you really do need to talk with him. You’re family. As for Corbin, I hate to say this so please don’t be mad, but what if he never comes back? Can you really just pine away after him?”
“He’s going to come back to me, but maybe you are right about facing Daws.”
“Yay! So you’ll come? Thank God! I wasn’t going to go without you, and I already picked you and me out some badass costumes.”
I laugh again, “You were pretty confident I was going to say yes, huh?”
“I needed to get them before all the good costumes sold out, so I was being smart.”
“Dare I ask what we’re going as?”
“I’ll surprise you. Be at my place tomorrow at five, so we’ll have plenty of time to get ready.”
I know Corbin hasn’t been answering, but I've been sending him random texts. I don’t know why. If he is off the grid, then he probably isn’t getting them. It’s just that I feel like it’s a way he can know what I'm up to. I send him a text to let him know that I'm going home for the party.
The weather is rainy, so Rosalina let me borrow her truck. It’s an old Ford. It’s clunky and rusted with a cassette tape deck and only A.M. radio stations, but it beats riding in the rain. I let Dad know I was coming, and he was happy. The drive gives me time to think about why I don’t want to go back to the clubhouse, or the cottage. It isn’t me avoiding Daws or the club. Staying away and being on my own has given me an independence that I’ve never had. I've always been Maura, daughter of Mickey, sister to the Devil’s Crusader’s. This is the first time where I'm just Maura McCafferty.
The Halloween party isn’t at the clubhouse. It’s actually a really big deal. We put it on at a Benny’s in town because it has a huge floor plan. We charge a fee and it’s open to the public, another reason for it to be somewhere other than the club. We can’t have strangers all over the clubhouse. It’s one of the events that we host to raise money. Halloween’s proceeds go to Cystic Fibrosis. The mayor has a child with the disease and the club tries to be supportive, plus it keeps him on our good side.
You might think, Why is a motorcycle club hosting charity events? Yes, there may be a criminal element to the club, but a lot of what we do is about family and respect. We learned a long time ago that the best way for the club to succeed in our community is to give back. This event is an adult event, but it is much tamer than any party that the club puts on.
I have to hand it to Jenny. My girl can pick out Halloween costumes like no other. Jenny was so excited to see me and it was a chatty welcome home. She chose Switch and Trinity from the Matrix for us. She is decked out in a white, short wig; a white trench coat; very slick, white, leather pants; and a white blouse. On her feet, she has beautiful silver ankle boots. The contrast between her dark Italian skin and her white costume makes that woman even more beautiful. I slicked my hair back and gave it a wet look with mousse. It’s longer than Trinity’s but with it looking wet it’s pretty close. I’m wearing a plastic-y leather shir
t and pants that look just like Jenny’s, but in black with amazing boots that are hers too which she made me swear to take good care of. Both of us have a gun holster around our thighs with ridiculously large fake guns. We look amazing and I'm excited to be with Jenny and act carefree.
After paying our twenty dollar entrance fee, we walk into the bar and I spot Dad right away.
“Baby Girl! I missed ye.”
“Hey, Dad.”
“Hey, Mickey,” Jenny greets him with a kiss on his cheek.
“The bar has a good turn out. Adrian did a good job,” I remark.
“Aye, she outdid herself.” I look around at the decorations. Benny’s is decorated to the nines. There are giant mummies and coffins. Giant cobwebs cover the ceiling. Black witch pots are strategically placed and are filled with dry ice. A smoke machine is on one side adding to the ambiance. The booths are covered in all black linens and most of the tables have been cleared out to allow for a dance floor.
“You two look amazing. Have fun and stay out of trouble,” Dad says with a smile, his accent barely visible. “Jack, get these ladies some drinks.”
Jack starts putting together a concoction and lines up shot glasses. Patrick, his ‘ole lady, Skaggs and Jarrod are standing nearby, and I wave hello. We all grab the shots and raise them in the air.
Dad toasts, his accent coming off thick on purpose for the toast, "Here's to a long life and a merry one. A quick death and an easy one. A pretty girl and an honest one. A cold pint--and another one!"
We all raise our glasses, and slam back our shots.
I order a beer for Jenny and myself, and smile as I look around at my brothers. They are all in their leather cuts. None of them are in costumes.
Jenny grabs my hand and starts to pull me away from the crowded bar. “I want you to meet Aubrey; my friend I told you about,” she says while surveying the room.
“Thanks for getting her a job, by the way.”
“Yeah. Dad said she was settling in.”
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