by J. S. Scott
“Trash them,” Sebastian suggested. “I’ll find you something to wear.”
They were thigh highs, and I didn’t think twice about reaching behind me to lose the tattered garments. “I need to go home, Sebastian. I can’t stay here.”
“You’re not going back to your apartment. You think too much,” he grumbled as he took off his jacket and tossed it on the kitchen counter.
I struggled out of one leg and was working on the other, all while trying not to expose myself by hiking up my dress in the front. I was finding out the task wasn’t all that easy. “Of course I think,” I snapped back at him.
“I don’t want you to remember what happened. It sucks when you start replaying things over and over in your mind.”
I opened my mouth to tell him I’d do no such thing, but I knew he was right. I’d live every detail all over again. Seeing Justin had opened a door I’d kept locked in my mind for so long that I thought I’d forgotten.
I hadn’t.
I’d just learned to put it away.
“I’ll be okay.” Staying with Sebastian was so damn tempting. When I was with him, I could forget my own name if I could just keep on looking at his big, toned body and ever-changing hazel eyes. He fascinated me. Teased me. Made me feel…safe.
Yeah, I knew it was an illusion. He was Sebastian Walker, and I was a new, entry-level attorney who shouldn’t even have a reason to speak to him. Now he knew the majority of my secrets, all in the span of one evening. To be honest, it was pretty unnerving.
I’d spent years trying to shield myself from getting hurt, only to have Sebastian break through those walls in an amazingly short amount of time. Had I not run into Justin, I wouldn’t be feeling so vulnerable. Sebastian would have never known the shame I hid. But now that he did, I wasn’t sure where to go from here.
“Hey, you’re thinking again,” Sebastian teased as he dropped to one knee. “Let me do this.”
My breath caught as he competently grasped the top of my second stocking and lowered it slowly down my leg. I looked at the top of his head as he bent to do a task I’d been fighting to finish for the last few minutes.
The warmth of his fingers on my bare flesh forced my body to react instantly, conjuring up visions of Sebastian stripping off my clothes for a far different reason. Jesus! I wanted to see this man naked and aroused more than I’ve ever wanted anything. The compulsion was so strong that I nearly couldn’t control it.
He stood and drew the garment through his fingers, like he was having fantasies of his own.
“Are you dry?” he asked huskily as he toed off his shoes. “I think the only thing that’s still damp are my shoes.”
My mouth was as arid as the desert. Watching him toy with my stocking had been one of the most intimate acts I’d ever experienced, and he hadn’t even been touching me.
It took me a moment to comprehend his question. I was as wet, slick, and ready as I’d ever been in my life. The only thing damp was my panties, but I couldn’t tell him that. “Yeah. I-I’m…good.”
My hesitation made him glance my direction and he lifted a wicked eyebrow in question. “Problem?”
“No,” I reassured him hastily. “Not at all.”
I was such a liar. My heart was hammering against my chest wall, and my body was clamoring to climb on top of him naked just so we could be skin-to-skin. I had a feeling I could never get close enough to Sebastian for my liking, but I sure as hell wanted to try.
Relief coursed through me as he turned and carefully laid my stocking on the kitchen counter on top of his jacket.
I have to leave. I have to get out of here.
Panic started to take hold as I realized that I couldn’t be with Sebastian without yearning for something more than friendship. Don’t get me wrong…I liked him. He’d been kind and compassionate tonight, and that touched my heart. But there was no way my body was going to be satisfied when I was around him without having some serious carnal knowledge of his ripped, toned body.
My worry was that it wasn’t just lust. Some strange weakness drew me to Sebastian, and it wasn’t something I was familiar with.
“Here. Relax and have a drink,” Sebastian suggested calmly as he held out a glass of white wine, holding a tumbler of something that looked a little stronger in his other hand.
I stared at the glass of alcohol being offered to me, and I visibly flinched and shook my head desperately. “No,” I entreated.
That was all it took for me to have flashbacks of another time and place, the door completely opening and the memories rushing back in a flood of horror.
CHAPTER 10
Paige
Five Years Earlier…
Istill couldn’t quite believe I was on my way to Harvard. Elation flooded my soul, and I smiled and looked around the crowded room, the party rocking and the thrumming of the loud music echoed the beat of my heart. Many of these people were my classmates, all of us ready to go out and conquer the world in one way or another.
The graduation party was in full swing, and I was breathless from dancing with one of the guys from my class, all of us giddy with relief that our final semester was over. Some of my friends were moving on to master’s programs.
But me…I was going to Harvard Law School.
My parents had been so proud when they’d heard that I’d gotten accepted. I was applying for scholarships and grants, but I knew that I was going to have to take student loans and work while I was attending the prestigious and expensive law school. But not even the cost of my education could dampen my spirits.
I was going to freaking Harvard, and I was sitting on top of the world right now.
Maybe I didn’t need an ivy league education to help women and kids who didn’t have a voice. I’d known exactly what I wanted to do since I started high school, and I knew I’d need a law degree to accomplish my goals. But it would make me a better lawyer. And the disadvantaged people in this world deserved someone who could help them be heard.
I always knew I was one of the lucky ones. I had good parents who had made me their entire world as long as I could remember. We didn’t have a lot of money, but I knew I was loved. Mom and Dad had done everything they could to help me through school, and I knew they were going to be my rocks when I was in law school.
My parents had taught me that there were more important things than money. As an attorney, I’d do okay financially, but I wasn’t exactly planning to be a high-powered corporate lawyer. But none of that mattered. I’d be happy. I’d have a purpose, and I could make a difference in people’s lives.
It was the only thing I’d ever wanted to do.
“Here you go, Paige.” The male voice drew me from my thoughts.
I reached out and took the cocktail from his hand. “Thanks.”
Justin Talmage was just a friend I’d made fairly recently. I liked him, and I helped him with his classes, but there was no romantic interest between us. Well…not for me, anyway. I’d felt bad every time I’d turned him down for a date, but the feelings just weren’t there. He was handsome, charming, and utterly eligible since his father was a very, very rich man. But I dreamed about meeting a guy who had my same passions, my same interests. A man who would be a best friend and a lover who would finally make me feel some of the same reactions that my girlfriends felt when they had finally discovered the right guy.
Me? I hadn’t found that certain somebody yet. But I knew I would someday. Maybe it wouldn’t happen until after I finished law school, or maybe I’d meet him there. It didn’t bother me that he hadn’t shown up yet. I was willing to wait. And my mom had told me that I’d know when the right one came along. I knew she was telling the truth. She always did.
I sipped my drink slowly, wishing I didn’t feel so guilty that I couldn’t seem to muster up any romantic feelings for Justin. He’d been pursuing something more since we’d be
come friends a few months ago. I’d hesitated when he’d offered to bring me to this party, but he’d assured me he was okay with just being friends.
“How is it?” he asked, sounding anxious.
“It’s good,” I assured him. “Thanks.”
I wasn’t sure what I was drinking, but it was sweet and tangy at the same time. I liked it…whatever it was. Not being much of a drinker, I’d asked Justin for something on the weak side. I had packing to do, and I didn’t have time to be hungover.
“I have a feeling you’re going to love it,” he replied, smirking at me as he watched me take another swig.
I was thirsty after dancing like a crazy woman, going full-speed on one of my favorite songs. My drink was already more than half gone as I tipped the glass again, knowing I was consuming the one drink I was allowing myself tonight pretty quickly. But I didn’t care. I could get a Coke after I was done.
The music was loud, and the swarm of bodies usually didn’t bother me. I’d been to tons of college parties. I was used to the craziness, and I generally thrived in this atmosphere. But suddenly, I started to feel dizzy and my head was spinning.
“You okay, Paige?” Justin asked calmly.
“Yes. No. I don’t know.” I couldn’t shake the reaction to the alcohol I’d just consumed.
Weird. I’ve had more than one drink, and I’ve never had this kind of reaction before.
Justin grasped my arm and pushed me forward as my brain became strangely disconnected from my body.
I couldn’t think.
I couldn’t talk.
All I could do was stumble into a vacant bedroom with Justin right behind me, his forceful hold starting to hurt my upper arm.
“You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this, Paige. I’m not a man who takes ‘no’ for an answer. Deep inside, you know that you want this.”
My ability to struggle was pathetic as he yanked at the zipper of the casual dress I was wearing, jerked it over my head, then pushed me backwards until I fell onto the bed.
I blinked, trying to focus on his face as he tore off my bra and panties, vaguely realizing that I was completely naked.
His face never entirely came into focus, but I could tell he was removing his clothes. “No!” I finally choked out pathetically. “No.”
His laugh was slightly maniacal. “I told you not to say ‘no.’ I don’t like that word,” he answered angrily. “I know you really want it, but I’m thinking you probably want it rough. You think I’m a nice guy and not capable of giving you what you really need?”
My very distant, rational mind knew Justin was becoming unhinged, but I couldn’t bring myself to fight. My mind and body weren’t coordinating.
I knew he was going to rape me, and I was helpless to stop it from happening.
Terror rose up in my mind, an ice-cold fear that left me horrified.
“No!” I tried to scream, but nothing came out of my mouth.
I felt like I was floating.
“You a virgin?” Justin asked as he crawled onto the bed naked.
I couldn’t answer. My body was incapacitated, and my voice was non-existent. I became more and more confused, and a brief thought that I was somehow drugged flitted through my mind before I once again became puzzled and bewildered.
I felt the pain as Justin invaded my body, but I couldn’t shout out. I couldn’t even cry. There was nothing I could do except bear the humiliation of him grunting on top of me as my body stayed unresponsive.
After the first time, I didn’t bother to even try to fight. My limbs were numb, and my humiliation had turned to fear that he was eventually going to get rid of me so I could never tell anybody what had happened here this night.
I fought losing consciousness, but I wasn’t always successful. I went in and out as Justin completely violated my body over and over again. Each time I woke up, I’d find him ramming himself inside my body. At one point, I was face down on the bed, and Justin was fighting to jam his cock inside my ass. I was actually grateful to pass out soon after, the pain forgotten as I sunk into the darkness.
My nightmare took on a surreal quality as I woke and slept, each time rousing confused. All I wanted was for it to be over. I desperately wanted control of my body again.
Finally, I awoke without the fear of losing consciousness again. I was weak and nauseous, but I knew I wasn’t in jeopardy of lapsing back into the black hole I’d been swallowed up in every time I woke.
I sat up carefully, realizing I was back in my own apartment and in my bed.
“Jesus. What happened?” I muttered, every muscle in my body screaming with pain.
It took me some time to acclimate, trying to figure out how I’d gotten so hung over. I was never much of a drinker. Had I overindulged? Had Justin brought me home?
I pushed back the covers, not entirely certain that I wasn’t going to vomit.
That’s when I noticed that my sheets were a bloody mess.
Underneath my ass, crimson stains littered the white sheets, and recollections flooded back to me slowly.
I wrapped my arms around my own nude body, rocking back and forth on the bed as reality hit me, and I couldn’t stop remembering what had happened the night before.
It took a long time for me to get out of bed, take a shower, and get dressed, knowing the only ones I wanted to run to were my mom and dad.
Fear had engulfed me like a large cloak, and I left my apartment terrified that Justin was lying in wait.
By the time my parents arrived to pick me up, I was hysterical, jumping into the back seat of the vehicle, sobbing with relief, knowing that what had happened to me would change my life forever.
I just never realized how much.
CHAPTER 11
Paige
The Present…
“Paige! Come on, sweetheart. You’re scaring me.”
Sebastian’s voice jerked me out of my memories, and I clung to the soothing sound with a desperation I couldn’t explain.
I closed my mouth when I realized I was screaming, begging for my invisible assailant to stop.
“I’m sorry,” I answered, feeling horrified that I’d literally fallen back into one of the worst nights of my life. “When I saw that glass of wine—”
My entire body was trembling as I came back to the reality of the present.
“Don’t,” Sebastian interrupted in a graveled voice. “I understand.”
“I’ll take that wine now,” I told him breathlessly, still trying to not relive something I’d barely made it through in the first place.
“I’ll bring it and you can pour your own,” he suggested, towering over me.
“No. It wasn’t you, Sebastian. I guess being handed a drink was a trigger for me. Justin got my cocktail for me and drugged it. I’ve never accepted a drink from anybody after that happened. I order my own drinks.” I didn’t want Sebastian to believe that it was him I didn’t trust. Truth was, I didn’t take drinks from anybody because of my history.
He scowled at me for a moment, then went and fetched our drinks.
I grabbed it immediately and took a couple of gulps, still panicked and shaky from the vivid memory of the event that had changed me, changed my life.
I was desperate to relax, and for some reason, I didn’t question my choice to accept the wine from Sebastian without fear this time.
He sat down next to me as he undid his tie. “Jesus! You took ten years off my life,” he rasped. “Does this happen often?”
“Never,” I admitted. “I had nightmares for a while soon after it happened. I went to counseling when I got to Cambridge. Things got better, but the counselor did say that I might have triggers that could set things off when I was stressed. It’s never happened.”
“I’d say that seeing your attacker would qualify as a stressful situation.”
“It is my issue,” Sebastian growled as he set his drink down on the table. “I’m making it my issue.”
“Why?” Now that I was more coherent, I still didn’t understand why Sebastian even cared.
He took the wine from my hand and set it down on the table next to his. “I have no fucking idea,” he answered, sounding frustrated. “But I promised you that you’d be safe, and contrary to what anyone thinks, I take my promises seriously. Did he chase you down at the gala? Is that why you were outside?”
I swallowed hard, my heart racing just from thinking about Justin pursuing me. “Yes. But he doesn’t know where I live.”
“You’re connected to me because you were there with me. It wouldn’t be difficult for him to find you.”
“What does it matter? I’ll call the police.” My answer sounded braver than I felt. I struggled between my need to gain control and the fear that was still trying to swamp me when I thought about Justin being here in Colorado.
I’d left the East Coast to escape my past. Instead, it was now stalking me.
Sebastian’s eyes were flashing with anger, and some other emotions I couldn’t identify. “I know he hurt you, Paige. Understand that it will never happen again.”
Oh, dear God, there it was again, that expression that I really didn’t understand on Sebastian’s gorgeous face. It reminded me of possessiveness, but it wasn’t quite that. He wasn’t exposing a selfish or malicious demeanor. He actually looked…worried.
I was holding onto my façade of bravery, but just barely. His stubborn need to protect me sent me over the edge. It was a new and heady feeling after being so alone for so long.
What would it feel like to be…adored and protected? Even if it was only my imagination that was making me feel that way.