Secret Hudson (A Finding Nolan Novel Book 2)

by K. S. Thomas

  “Why are you half naked again? Seriously. Start fucking already so I can stop finding you two acting like horny teenagers every time I turn around.” Ava threw me a shirt from the clothing rack. “Wear this one. Brings out your blue eyes and the chicks’ll go nuts over it. Be ready in three minutes. We gotta get this show on the road so we can get the hell on it.”

  Then she was gone again.

  “You know, I’m almost getting used to that.” Hudson grinned, his face still no more than an inch from mine. I liked it there. For someone who’d always been very particular about his personal space, I didn’t seem to have any objections to Hudson being in it. Ever. It was comforting actually. Which was sort of terrifying, too.

  “Yeah well, it’s really making me regret all of the times I busted in on Blaise and Ava in the last year.” It wasn’t nearly as funny being on the receiving end of the cock block.

  “Guess you better put on that shirt.” He nodded toward the blue button up I still had in my hand.

  “Guess so.”

  I grumbled a few choice words as I broke away from him and got dressed again, still feeling the heat from his gaze as I did so.

  “There. And I’ve got at least a minute to spare.” Or so I’d thought. No sooner had my mouth found Hudson’s lips, than Ava came bursting in again.

  “What are you doing? Come on!”

  “Any chance you could learn to wait for someone to invite you in? I mean, what is the point of even knocking?”

  She snorted. “To let you know that I’m coming in! And no, I can’t wait to be invited. I’d be out in the hall all night. What, I look stupid to you?” She grabbed my arm and I stumbled my way out of the room, Hudson right behind me. Then Ava stopped abruptly. “Whoa, where’s the camera? Seriously, boys. I need some of that blood to start traveling above the neckline again.” She shook her head, laughing at us. She had a point. Being this fucking horny was definitely affecting my ability to focus on things other than Hudson. There was no denying the man was on my mind twenty-four fucking seven these days. Except, I didn’t really think that sleeping with him was going to make a damn difference there.

  We were barely on the bus when some blonde with massive breasts had her arms draped over my neck and her tongue in my ear. “Hey, sexy. I was wondering when you were going to show up to the party.”

  “Yo, Whorebag Barbie, back it up,” Ava intercepted. “This is a look but no touch zone. Got it?”

  The blonde’s expression turned sour. “I’m sorry. Are you fucking them all now?”

  Ava squinted, and I’m sure she was casting imaginary darts straight for Barbie’s fake breasts, popping them like water balloons. She’d told me she liked to do that once.

  “How about you worry less about who I’m fucking and more about who won’t be fucking you. Now cover up that slice of pepperoni you call a nipple and act like a girl who has at least heard of the word ‘class’ before I have Darrel throw you out.”

  I did my best to avoid having to say anything at all and just stayed glued to Ava. I let her maneuver our way through the crowd until I found a safe spot next to Blaise. None of the women ever went anywhere near him anymore. Well, at least not with their tongues. Ava’d made sure of that.

  “Damn, you’re going to need a box of Q-tips and some rubbing alcohol after that encounter.” Blaise had apparently viewed the mauling.

  “No shit.” I rubbed my ear, wondering if you could get herpes on your ear drum. Probably not. I noticed two younger, much shyer girls standing over to the side, nervously tittering and staring at the both of us. They seemed safe enough. “You two want anything to drink?”

  They both turned to each other rambling something along the lines of ‘Royce Lemmi...something something...us’ and then squealed loudly before shuffling toward us, taking the smallest steps humanly possible.

  Blaise handed them both two sodas from the ice tub behind him. “So, this your first Finding Nolan concert?”

  “Uh-huh.” Now that they were closer, I realized they were even younger than I’d thought. They couldn’t be more than eighteen. They’d better have been at least that.

  I cheersed them both with my bottle of water. “So, what’d you think?”

  “OMG, it was amazeballs. Totes terrific!”

  I searched Blaise’s face for some sort of translation, but his raised brows told me he was just as lost as I was.

  “Then, you liked it?”

  They both burst into loud giggles. “Yes!” When they managed to calm themselves down again, they each retrieved their ticket stubs from their purses. “Would you sign these?”

  “Absolutely.” I grabbed one of the fifty-thousand sharpies floating around there and wrote my name on the paper. Then, I reached behind the ice tub and pulled out two t-shirts. “Here, you can get the whole band to sign these if you want.”

  More squealing ensued and suddenly having one ear clogged up with Whorebag Barbie’s spit wasn’t so bad anymore. By the time the girls calmed down again, and Blaise and I signed their t-shirts, we had just enough time to personally escort them to Angel and Derek (the barracudas would have never let them through without us) before Darrel cleared the bus and we were on the road heading for the airport.

  The drive wasn’t long, but given that we were about to spend six hours on a plane, it wasn’t surprising most of the guys opted to stretch out in their bunks for as long as they could.

  I’d been intending to do the same thing, when I found Hudson sitting by himself in the back of the bus. He was messing around on his laptop, scanning through the pictures he’d taken that night. Wasn’t until I got closer that I realized the particular set he was stuck on, was of the tongue and ear incident.

  Hudson still had his back to me when he started talking. “You know, of all the things I was expecting to see on this tour, somehow, I hadn’t prepared myself for this.”

  I shrugged. “Shit. I don’t even know how often this stuff happens and I’m still never prepared for it.”

  He turned around. “Why didn’t you stop her?”

  My eyes traveled toward the bunk Ava was in, likely curled up to Blaise and much happier than I was at that very moment. “Because I knew Ava would.”

  Hudson didn’t seem satisfied. “But why did she have to?”

  I frowned. “Because it’s her fucking job.”

  He stood up to meet me at eye level. “Really? That’s part of her job? Funny. I could have sworn it was your body. Your responsibility. But hey, I guess that explains why she’s busting in on us every time my tongue gets anywhere near you.”

  Fuck. I sucked at this shit, but even I could tell this wasn’t going well. “I think we’re getting off track here. Yes, it’s my body, no, that’s not why Ava comes busting in on us. There’s like a list that goes on and on which would explain Ava and why she does what she does, but I don’t think you’re really interested in that part of the story right now.” I took a deep breath. “The reason I don’t stop the girls, the reason none of us do, is because it makes us look better when we don’t. Trust me, Ava never skips a beat. She doesn’t like us getting molested any more than we like it. Okay, to be fair, Angel likes it, but the rest of us only let it happen because it’s part of the fucking life. I can’t help it. It’s just what goes on at these parties. These women, they don’t see us as people. They just see us as, fuck, I don’t what they see us as, pieces of meat? Cocks they want to suck? Bodies they want to fuck? You name it, it probably applies.” By the time I was done ranting, I felt like I’d argued my case pretty sufficiently. Except Hudson still looked pissed.

  “You know what would probably keep women from molesting you? If you told them you liked fucking men.”

  And there it was. Well. We’d made it just over a week. Would have been nice to actually have sex, but whatever. I’d gone several months without already. Maybe I could just give it up for good. What was the fucking point to any of it anyway when it always led to this goddamned moment?

  “I can�
�t tell them that.” I wasn’t keeping eye contact anymore. My shoes were far easier to face than Hudson’s pained expression.

  “Why not? I don’t get. You’re out to your friends. You made no secret of things in front of me that day at the shop. Where is this invisible line you can’t walk your secret homo-self past? Huh?”

  Damn. Hudson had a mean streak. I had it coming, but still. That shit hurt worse than I would have liked it to. And in some sick sort of manic moment to avoid experiencing any more of the pain I knew was sure to come if I followed through with the truth, I did the only thing I could think of.

  “Ava won’t let me come out publicly.”

  I lied.

  ***

  “What?” I was sure he hadn’t just said that.

  “Ava won’t let me come out to the public. She says it would hurt the band’s image. Part of what sells is the sex appeal. I come out, we lose some of that.” Royce still wasn’t looking at me and I suddenly felt like the biggest asshole on earth. Here I was accusing him of things he had zero control over. Things that probably made him miserable. I mean, who wouldn’t be? No one can be happy living a lie. And that’s what Ava was forcing him to do. Even if it was only to the outside world. In a way, that was the harder lie to live with. The one that kept you caged. When the world didn’t know, you couldn’t step outside of your own four walls without the fear of your secret escaping you, breathing down your neck with every step you took, slowly strangling you, controlling you. I knew that all too well. I’d seen what it had done to Paul.

  I let my hand find his chin, using my fingers to tilt it up so I could see those beautiful blue eyes of his again. “I’m sorry. Really. I’m a total ass. I had no idea.”

  His shoulders bobbed listlessly. “It’s fine. Seriously. How could you know?”

  I wrapped my arms around his neck, drawing him in, holding him close. “It’s not fine. I should have known you wouldn’t choose this. I just can’t believe Ava would put business over your friendship.”

  He didn’t say anything, just reached his arms around my waist and let me hold him. And suddenly I realized that this was all I’d ever want to do. Hold him. Make him feel whole. Accepted. Loved. Whether he’d ever fully be able to return those feelings or not.

  Chapter 11

  It was later in the afternoon when we landed in Frankfurt, Germany and we were all beat. Even flying first class couldn’t make up for the last few weeks of going non-stop. At least the time difference meant we’d be getting back to bed sooner rather than later.

  The next portion of the tour would be somewhat more spread out to allow for traveling since we wouldn’t have a tour bus from here on out. Plus, Ava had a thing for Europe. Mostly, I think that’s the reason she insisted on the scheduling the way she did. Nobody cared what her reasons were. It was just nice not to have a show every night of the week.

  From Frankfurt, we’d be headed to Copenhagen, Denmark. After that, we’d sort of circle around until we wound up near the starting point, in the UK where we would not only end the European part of our tour, but would also be preforming at the EMAs, also known as the MTV Europe Music Awards. Then, there’d be our final stop down under in Australia, before we eventually found our way back home.

  Laying here in our own private room for a change, with Hudson’s head resting on my chest while some German sitcom played in the background, I was in no hurry to go anywhere.

  His phone beeped and he stretched out his arm to get it from the nightstand without moving any other part of his body.

  “Your mom?” She was a regular.

  “Uh-huh.” His fingers flew over the screen as he texted her back. “Wanted to make sure we got here safely.” He chuckled. “Sometimes I think she’s still under the impression that I’m just five or six, about to venture into the world for my first day of school or something.”

  I stroked his jet black hair. It had grown out quite a bit since we’d first met. “I think it’s sweet.”

  He lifted his head to look at me. “Yeah, I bet you do. When was the last time your mother called to check up on you?”

  I didn’t even have to think about it. The answer was easy. “She doesn’t. I haven’t talked to either of my parents since I hopped in a van with my friends and hit the road to pursue music over six years ago.” I’d gotten used to the reality of that sentence a long time ago, but somehow hearing it said out loud, was still hard to bear.

  “Shit, Royce. I had no idea. Do you talk to any of your family?” The slight shock and underlying pity in his eyes were precisely the reason I never dwelled on the issue.

  “Sure. I talk to Ava, Blaise, Derek and Angel every day.” I attempted a smile to lighten the mood.

  He sat up. “Would you rather I drop this?”

  I would have. But at the same time, in a weird sort of way, I actually wanted to tell Hudson about it. Maybe because he was the first person to fucking ask. Maybe because I wanted what we had to be more than what I’d shared with other men in the past.

  Scooting back until I was upright and resting my shoulders on the headboard, I shook my head, having made the decision. “No. It’s fine. If you really want to know, then I want to tell you.”

  “I do.” He pulled his legs up and crossed them, settling in like he was expecting this to be a long story. Shit. Depending on where I decided to start, it certainly could have been.

  “Okay. Well, I’m an only child, so that pretty much sums up the lack of involvement with my other family members. There really aren’t any. I mean, I have a few aunts and uncles, but they all live spread out across the country, so I didn’t really grow up with any of them as real present forces in my life, you know? I was super close to my grandma Meryl, the other black sheep of the family, but she passed away when I was eleven and without her, being different wasn’t that much fun anymore.” I paused, secretly hoping that Hudson would appear to be bored, or better yet, interrupt and change the topic all together.

  When he did neither, I went on. “I don’t know what you were like as a kid, but most people were pretty hip to the fact that I was gay by the time I was nine. I guess I knew too, I just didn’t really think about it. Didn’t consider what it meant. Until other kids started noticing, then I didn’t really have a choice anymore. Long story short, my coming out, or better being out, since it wasn’t a conscious decision at the time, was not well received by my parents.”

  “What did they do?” A streak of anger flashed in his eyes and it struck me that Hudson really and truly cared. I mean, I knew that. Or at least, I thought I had known that.

  “They didn’t do anything. That was their reaction. Denial. Denial when I came to them confused about my feelings. Denial when I came to them crying because children in school were tormenting me for being who and what I was. Denial when...just denial. It was their only coping mechanism. So, isolating myself became mine. I didn’t hear shit from either one of them outside of the usual niceties you expect to exchange with your acquaintances, until the day I started playing with the band. Then they suddenly had all kinds of things to say. Apparently, stomping my dreams of being a musician into the ground was a lot easier for them, than trying to stomp the gay out of me.” I took in a long breath and held it. Hadn’t been digging through any of this shit in a long while. Closest I’d gotten in forever, was a year ago when I’d sat with Blaise one night trying to help him stay sober. I’d shared things with him I hadn’t ever told anyone. Things I wasn’t anywhere near ready to share now.

  “Finally, the day I told them I was leaving with the band, they gave me their last ultimatum. ‘Walk out that door and don’t expect to ever come back.’ Well, that was fine by me. Those had been my intentions anyway.” I shrugged. “Needless to say, I haven’t talked to them since.”

  Hudson turned away from me and I was sure it meant something bad. Like revealing that even my own flesh and blood couldn’t stand the sight of the real me was enough to make him have second thoughts as well.

  When he brou
ght his focus back to me, he had a soft sort of expression on his face. A small smile and an understanding in his eyes I’d found in only four other people. Well, five counting my grandmother.

  “I get it now. You and the band. How close you are. None of you has anyone else, do you?”

  I shook my head and laughed bitterly. “Not really. Unless you consider an alcoholic, a schizophrenic who committed suicide, a runaway teen, former beauty queen who only views the world as skin deep and a closed minded prude who went through life with permanent blinders on, a solid set of mothers. And we kinda didn’t.”

  This time Hudson didn’t look away. Instead, he came closer, his gaze never veering from me until his lips crushed mine and we both closed our eyes, completely letting go of everything that had been holding us back up until this moment.

  Just the feel of his fingertips lightly tracing over my skin on the nape of my neck was enough to drive me completely out of my mind.

  Hudson took his time, caressing parts of my body most of my past lovers had never even taken the time to explore. Many of them I’d never even really kissed. Certainly not the way I was kissing Hudson, with a willingness to completely give myself up to him, emotionally and physically. The kind of passion I felt when our mouths connected and our tongues danced, was unlike anything I’d ever felt before. It was scary. It was beautiful. It was enough to make me want more. More of this. More of Hudson.

  Slowly, his hand began to travel down from my neck to my chest. The palm of his hand barely even grazed my nipple and it hardened instantly. Realizing the reaction his touch had already had, Hudson lowered his mouth to my chest and enclosed my entire nipple with it, moving his tongue in a circular motion. I moaned loudly.

  When I didn’t think I could take it anymore, Hudson traveled still lower, tracing his tongue down my stomach to where my waist curved around to the front and moving down to the top of my legs. Gently kissing and sucking my skin with his mouth, his left hand reached up to anchor itself in mine, and I squeezed it tightly, because, in that moment, all I could think was how I never wanted to let him go. And while I had no fucking clue how to tell him that, I thought maybe, just maybe, he would understand just by the way I was gripping his hand in mine as if my life depended on it.