Her Daughter's Dream

by Francine Rivers

  36

  Jason called two days after Christmas. “We just got back from LA.” When she asked if he’d gone to Hollywood or down to Disneyland, he said no. His mom wanted him to walk the campuses at UCLA and USC and Pepperdine.

  “I thought she wanted you to go to Berkeley.”

  “We’re not talking about Berkeley anymore.” He changed the subject before she could ask why. “When are you coming home?”

  “New Year’s Day.” She turned her back on Granny when she came into the kitchen. She lowered her voice. “I miss you, Jason.”

  “Would your grandparents mind if I came out to see you?”

  Heart singing, she told Granny and Papa her boyfriend was coming for a visit. She was so excited she couldn’t sit still. She changed from sweats to fitted jeans and a pink sweater. She put on a touch of makeup. Maybe they could visit with Granny and Papa for a little while and then go over to the beach.

  How long before he got there? It only took forty minutes and it had been forty-five. She sat at the kitchen table watching cars come around the bend before crossing to tiny Bridgehaven with its trailer park—flooded now—two-room motel, and restaurant overlooking the river.

  The rain started again. So much for taking a walk on the beach.

  An hour passed, and then another. “Road might be closed,” Papa told her while eating a sandwich at the kitchen table. “Aren’t many places to stop and call.”

  Finally, she spotted his car zinging along Highway 1. When the car slowed through Jenner and turned right onto Willig, she darted out the back door to unlatch the gate. Swinging it open, she stayed under the wooden cover and watched him park. Heart knocking, she smiled as he got out of the car. “I was worried you got stuck somewhere!”

  “I didn’t want to come empty-handed.” He leaned back into the car, sweater stretching taut over his shoulders, jeans snug, and lifted out a cellophane-wrapped potted poinsettia and box of Russell Stover chocolates. When she reached for the chocolates, he drew them back and grinned at her. “For your grandparents, not for you.” She laughed. He looked toward the house and then leaned down to brush a kiss against her cheek. “Not sure I can stay long. There were a lot of fallen limbs on the road, and water just after Guerneville.”

  “If the road closes, you can always stay over.”

  “I don’t think my mom would go for that idea.”

  The sky opened up, rain pounding the roof and streaking down over the living room windows. Papa said he’d better go down and get some presto logs out from under the garage in case the power went off. Jason insisted he’d take care of it. “Nice young man,” Papa said.

  “And handsome, too,” Granny added. Dawn felt smug. At least she had her family’s approval.

  Granny suggested an early afternoon dinner “so Jason can eat before he heads home.” Jason became so engrossed in Papa’s World War II stories that Dawn went into the kitchen to help Granny make a tossed green salad and a casserole of turkey, dressing, and gravy. They all sat to eat at three. By four, the sky had darkened. The rain hadn’t let up. Jason gave Dawn an apologetic look and said he’d better go. Papa said he’d better call highway patrol first and see if the road was open through Guerneville.

  It wasn’t. Papa said Jason would have to take the road south through Bodega and go back through Sebastopol in order to get the highway north to Windsor.

  Granny protested. “It’s dark. And that’s too far to go in driving rain, especially if you aren’t familiar with the coast highway. Jason should stay here with us.” She suggested he call his mom so she wouldn’t worry. Dawn suggested Granny go on into the living room with Papa and let her take care of washing the dishes. For once, Granny didn’t quibble. Maybe she understood how desperately Dawn wanted to be alone with Jason, even if only for a few minutes, before his mother insisted he get back in his car and come home no matter how bad the weather.

  Jason sighed. “She’ll be ticked off.”

  “It’s not like you started the storm, Jason.”

  “No, but she told me it was a bad idea coming out here.”

  Dawn wondered if she’d been talking about the weather or seeing her. Jason punched in the numbers. His mother must have been sitting by the telephone because it barely had time to ring before Jason said, “Hi, Mom.”

  Dawn squirted dish soap into the old porcelain sink, turned on the hot water, and pretended not to listen.

  “The road’s closed. I’m going to have to stay out here.” He listened briefly. “It’d take two hours to go that way, and I only have half a tank of gas. . . .” Jason turned away. Elbows on knees, shoulders tense, he hunched over the receiver and growled. “Jeez louise, Mom, would you rather I ended up over a cliff in the ocean—”

  Apparently his mother cut him off. Dawn added some cold to the hot and grabbed one of the glasses.

  “Nice to know how much you trust me.” Jason grew more angry. “We’re not alone out here, Mom. Both of Dawn’s grandparents are with us, and it’s a small house. Two chaperones. Is that good enough?” He listened for another few seconds. “Okay. I’m sorry, but—” He sat up and let out a steamed breath. “Yeah, I hear you. First thing in the morning. Okay, okay. Yes! I’ll drive south if the roads are still closed. I promise.” He hung up. His expression looked faintly triumphant. “Need some help with those dishes?”

  “Sure.” She smiled. He’d be here all night! “The towels are in that drawer.” When he stepped close beside her, she looked up, melting inside. He told her how much he liked her grandfather as he dried glasses and then silverware, asking where things went. Dawn daydreamed. Someday, when they got married, they’d stand like this every night and do dishes together.

  They’d just finished putting everything away when Granny came into the kitchen with a pile of burgundy sheets, a pillowcase, and flannel pajamas. “Here’s an extra pair of Papa’s pajamas for you, Jason, and Dawn can make up the bed downstairs.”

  Jason looked blank. “Downstairs?”

  “The apartment. There’s an electric blanket on the bed, but we’ll keep the heat on so you don’t get too cold. You’ll be snug as a bug down there.”

  “Please don’t go to any trouble. I can sleep on the couch.”

  “Nonsense.” Granny dumped the pile into Dawn’s waiting arms. “We like our guests to be comfortable.” She went back into the living room.

  Dawn headed for the back door. “Come on. I’ll show you where you’ll be.” He opened the door for her as she called out to her grandparents that they would be back in a few minutes.

  The frosty air of the downstairs apartment struck Dawn as she stepped inside. Jason followed her. Mom had folded up the hide-a-bed—Chris hadn’t slept in it anyway—and put the coffee table back. Granny’s small writing desk sat in the corner. A Victorian lounge chair sat in the back room facing the stripped queen-size bed. Mom had left the thermal and electric blankets and blue chenille spread folded neatly across the end. Jason straddled the flowery lounge and watched Dawn shake out the bottom flannel sheet. She worked quickly. “You look like you know how to make a bed.”

  She laughed, excited to have him here, even more excited at the thought of him sleeping just down the stairs from her room. “Granny taught me how to do square corners. She was a nurse.” Shaking out the top sheet, she glanced at him and saw something in his expression that made her breath catch.

  She unfolded the electric blanket, making sure it was plugged in properly, before spreading it over the burgundy sheets. Dawn didn’t notice any cold air now, and no warm air blasted yet from the heating vent. Jason got up and helped spread the thermal blanket over the top. They didn’t speak. Pillowcase fitted, she plumped the pillow, pulled the bedspread up, and tucked it neatly under.

  They stood on opposite sides of the bed, staring at one another.

  Jason came around the side of the bed and took her hand. “Can I kiss you again?”

  Trembling, she looked at him. “I wish you would.”

  Tilting his hea
d toward her, he whispered, “I was afraid your grandparents might get the wrong idea. . . .” When his mouth covered hers, she stepped closer, putting her arms around his neck and pressing her body fully and firmly against him. His soft groan lit a fire inside her. His hands moved down her back to her waist and hips and then up again, encircling her tightly. He dragged his mouth away. “I don’t think I’m going to get much sleep down here. I’ll be lying awake, staring at the ceiling, knowing you’re right above me.” When he kissed her again, she fitted her body to his and heard his sharp intake of breath. They were both shaking when Jason finally set her away from him. “We’d better go upstairs before your grandparents wonder what’s going on down here.”

  * * *

  Granny and Papa stayed up later than usual. When Papa pushed himself out of his recliner and said it was time to hit the sack, Jason stood and said he’d better go to bed, too, and thank you for everything. Dawn said good night to him from the couch and watched him go out the back door. He glanced back at her through the glass before heading for the wooden steps to the downstairs. Granny paused in the bedroom doorway and looked at her. “Are you staying up, Dawn?”

  “I’m not sleepy yet. I thought I’d watch television for a while.”

  “Turn down the thermostat when you go to bed.” Granny wished her a good night and closed the French glass doors with their sheer privacy curtains. Dawn pulled a crocheted afghan around her shoulders. She lowered the volume and changed the channel. She heard Papa’s loud snores. He always fell asleep the moment his head hit the pillow. It wasn’t long before Granny made it a duet. Dawn waited another fifteen minutes before turning off the television and resetting the thermostat. She took a quick shower and slipped on her nightgown. Pulling the covers back, she rumpled them and stuffed two pillows underneath in the off chance Granny awakened and felt the need to look in on her.

  She closed the accordion doors before carefully opening the back door. She made sure it was unlocked before quietly closing it behind her. Then she hurried tiptoe down the wooden steps, feeling the icy drops of rain soaking through her cotton gown. A soft light shone above the apartment door. She hesitated. Then, shivering with cold, she pushed the door open. Her heart lurched as it creaked. As she stepped inside the door, Jason turned on the bedside light. “What are you doing?” Throwing the covers off, he got out of bed.

  Jason looked so comical in Grandpa’s pajamas, Dawn giggled nervously. “I couldn’t sleep.”

  “Shhh. . . . You’d better go before they—”

  “Listen!” she whispered, pointing up. Papa snored so loudly, they could hear him downstairs. She grinned at him. “They both sleep like logs. They won’t know a thing.”

  “You’re shivering.” He put his arms around her. “You’re wet!”

  “It’s raining.” She inhaled his scent. It went right to her head. “I’m freezing.” She shivered, loving the feel of his arms around her. His heart pounded harder. “I’d be warmer in bed.”

  “Not a good idea.”

  “We won’t do anything.” She slipped her arms around him. “We’ll just talk.”

  Beneath the covers, Jason held her close and asked if she was warm enough. She said no and snuggled closer, pressing her body against the length of his. She heard his breath quicken. They did talk, for a little while. Then they kissed. Heating up fast, they had to push the covers off. Niggling doubts flitted into Dawn’s mind as passion grew.

  Fear gripped her at the last. Too late. She sucked in her breath at the unexpected pain. Jason stopped, rasping an apology. She said, “It’s okay; it’s okay.” They both knew it wasn’t. Worse, they couldn’t go back.

  This wasn’t how she imagined it would be.

  When it was all over, Jason sat on the edge of the bed, head in his hands. Dawn pulled the blankets up to her chin. Silent, rigid, eyes welling, she felt sick with regret. What had she done?

  Jason was silent so long, she felt driven to speak. “I love you.” That’s why she’d done it. “I love you, Jason.” She sounded like a frightened child afraid of being chastised.

  “I love you, too.” Jason’s voice was thick with tears. And regret.

  Ashamed, Dawn shoved the covers off and fled to the door. Jason caught up with her and wrapped his arms around her. Pulling her firmly against him, he whispered against her hair, “It’s my fault.” He drew in a ragged breath. “I should’ve gone home.”

  Hurt by his remorse, ashamed of her own behavior, she spoke tersely, voice breaking. “I wish you had.”

  * * *

  Of course, Granny insisted Jason have breakfast before he left. Jason glanced at her once when she came out of her bedroom. He had dark shadows under his eyes, as though he hadn’t slept any better than she had. Dawn could tell it took concentrated effort for Jason to smile and act normal, to talk with her grandparents as though nothing had happened last night.

  Sitting there at the table, Granny and Papa chattering away, Jason giving distracted answers, she kept thinking, I had sex with Jason downstairs last night in the bed Mom and Mitch slept in a few days ago. Granny and Papa were right upstairs. They all trust me. They respect Jason. What would they think of us now if they knew? She felt cold prickles along her arms. What if Jason confessed what they’d done to Pastor Daniel? What if he told Tom Barrett and Tom told Kim?

  She hadn’t expected to feel sick with guilt and shame. She knew Jason felt even worse than she did. He didn’t hurry, but he didn’t linger over breakfast the way he might have if she’d stayed in her own bedroom last night.

  “I’d better get going.” Jason said his good-byes and thank-yous. Dawn followed him out to his car. She stood under the overhang, arms wrapped around herself, afraid of what he might say. Jason gave her the same chaste peck on the cheek that he had when he arrived yesterday. Only his eyes looked different. “The sheets are . . .” He winced. “They’re going to know.”

  Dawn’s face went hot. “I’ll strip the bed and wash them.” Thank goodness Granny had given her burgundy sheets rather than white ones, or she’d never be able to wash away their sin.

  Sin!

  Shocked, Dawn felt the word stab her heart like a spear, leaving her wounded. We sinned. I sinned.

  “I’m sorry, Jason.” She pressed her lips together, tears spilling from her eyes.

  He stepped close, his hand at her waist as he whispered into her ear. “I love you. Nothing’s going to change that.”

  But something already had.

  37

  1987

  Dawn didn’t hear from or see Jason until school started again. He stood waiting when the bus pulled in and fell into step beside her as she headed inside to her locker. “We have to talk.”

  “You could’ve called.” Hurt, angry, she walked on.

  “I couldn’t. Mom and I had a big fight when I got home.”

  The blood drained from her head, and she felt faint with fear. “Did you tell her?”

  “No.” Glancing around, he leaned closer while she worked the combination and opened her locker. “How long before we know if you’re . . . ?” She could feel his embarrassment. She looked at him and let him see her fear and hurt, and he frowned. “Things will work out.” When Jason took her hand, she wove her fingers through his and held tight, afraid he’d fall out of love with her as quickly as she had fallen in love with him.

  Every day, he gave her that questioning look, and she shook her head. After three weeks had passed, he said he’d try to get a home pregnancy test. “I might not be able to buy one this week. Bill is working the same shift I am, and if he sees, he’ll say something to Mom.” Agitated, he raked a hand through his hair.

  Mom awakened Dawn Saturday morning. “Your grandparents are going to be here in an hour.”

  Dawn sat up and rubbed her eyes.

  “Are you all right?”

  Fear shot through her. Did her mother know? Had she some extrasensory perception that she could guess? “I’m fine.”

  She showered, dres
sed, and threw her hair into a ponytail. A car honked loudly, and she drew back the sheer curtains. Granny and Papa had arrived in separate cars, Papa in a white Buick and Granny in their shiny black Sable. When Dawn opened the front door, Granny dangled the keys. “The Sable is all yours.”

  Papa grinned. “Happy sixteenth birthday!”

  “What?” Dawn stared. “You’re kidding, aren’t you?”

  “Of course not.” Granny took her limp hand and dropped the keys into it, closing Dawn’s fingers around them. “We wouldn’t kid about something like that.”

  Dawn shrieked and threw her arms around Granny and then Papa. “Thank you, thank you!”

  Mitch, Christopher, and Mom appeared and asked what was going on. Dawn darted out the door and ran her hands over the freshly polished Sable. “They said it’s mine!” she called back, happy for the first time in weeks. “I have wheels!”

  Mom’s eyes widened. “You should’ve talked to me about it first.”

  Granny scowled. “We’re doing it as much for you as for Dawn, Carolyn. You have Christopher in sports and music lessons and church group. Dawn can’t take a bus everywhere, you know. She needs a car. Now she has one.”

  Mom’s face reddened. “It’s not for you to make that decision.” She turned to Mitch, who stood beside her. He looked grim.

  Dawn came back, wanting the freedom the car offered. “You won’t have to drive me to Jenner, Mom. I can drive out all by myself.”

  Granny beamed. Papa patted Dawn’s shoulder. “Everything’s been checked out. It’s a good car, Carolyn.”

  “I know, Dad. That’s not—”

  “That little baby won’t need any repairs for a long time to come. All the paperwork is in the glove compartment, Dawn. This car will run for another hundred thousand miles easily. You won’t find a better used car anywhere, and it gets good gas mileage.”

  “It’s beautiful, Papa.” She kissed his cheek and embraced her grandmother. “I love it.”