Remember, You Love Me: Little Girl Lost

by Mairsile Leabhair

  There are two fields of medicine you don’t want to go into if you expect to sleep through an entire night. One is obstetrics and the other is psychiatry. A psychiatrist knows that most crisis happen in the middle of the night, because that’s when the patient is truly alone with their thoughts. And being alone like that can sometimes result in life or death decisions. That’s why Dr. Kline insists on giving his patients a lifeline.

  “I’m sorry to be calling you so late, but—”

  “Samantha, is that you?” Dr. Kline suppressed a yawn as he move from the bedroom to his study, so as not to disturb his wife, who had long sense learned to sleep through the midnight phone calls.

  “Yes, I shouldn’t have called, never mind.”

  “No, don’t worry about it, what’s on your mind? Is everything all right?”

  Samantha couldn’t help but feel relieved at the sound of his voice. Though truth be told, she called him at one in the morning just as a test, to see if he really did take calls at that time. But when she heard his voice, a calming effect came over her that she had not experienced before. She was starting to trust him and that irritated her, because she was afraid to trust anyone. But now she felt guilty for playing such a mean trick on the man, so she felt obligated to explain it to him.

  Though a bit irritated, Kline really wasn’t surprised that Samantha would be testing him. It meant that she was on the verge of allowing him inside her wall, and if he was going to be able to help her, he needed her trust.

  “Well I’m glad you could admit that Samantha, but you don’t need to test me, you need to trust me, just as I trust you.”

  “You trust me? Why?” Samantha didn’t understand the dynamics of having the table turned on her.

  But Dr. Kline explained that it was Samantha’s love for her baby. A mother’s categorical love for her child is a trusted bond that cannot be broken. Samantha, who never saw a life with children, now would give her life for her child.

  “You know, one of the things Aidan and I argued about was that I didn’t want children. But back then I had a choice. ”

  “And with this baby you didn’t have a choice, did you? Samantha, I know you love your baby now. But did you always?”

  Samantha took a deep breath and answered truthfully. No, she did not always love the baby inside her womb. In fact she tried to abort it when she first realized she was pregnant. After all, she had been gang raped, beaten, forced to be with a man just to survive. The only way to fight back was to hate the baby and wish it were dead. But the first time she felt the babe kick inside her, the iceberg of hate around her heart melted away, and she embraced the new life she was carrying. But by then it was too late. She had become so malnourished that it affected the baby, who stopped kicking. Samantha feared it was dead, and that’s when she stopped caring about whether she lived or died. Because what little hope she had left was in that baby, that tiny life growing inside her. And it still is today.

  Dr. Kline feared that without her baby to care for, Samantha would most likely contemplate suicide. He needed to get her to a place where she cared enough about herself to have hope for the future. He knew that a person could not heal properly or grow mentally if they were being supported by a crutch. And right now, that’s what her baby was to her, a crutch. It was his job to take that crutch away and get her to walk on her own. Only then could she truly stand on her own.

  ***

  “Aidan, help me, help me!”

  “What? Vick?’ It was the crack of dawn and Aidan thought she was dreaming, until Vicky screamed again.

  “No, get away! Aidan help!”

  “Vicky wake up, wake up, baby, you’re dreaming,” Aidan shook her, but that only caused Vicky to scream.

  “No! I want my daddy!”

  Aidan sat up and looked down at the tormented face of her lover, “Vicky move, get out of there! Move damn it!”

  “I can’t move, I can’t move. Help me!”

  Aidan was at a lost as to what to do. She thought about splashing Vicky with water, but didn’t know if that was the right thing to do or if that would only make matters worse. Then she realized that Vicky had heard her, so maybe she could talk her out of it, but before she could say anything Vicky screamed again,

  “No that hurts, don’t touch me!”

  Oh God, oh God, he’s raping her! Aidan looked around, desperate for help, but found none, so she leaned down close to Vicky’s ear and whispered, “Vicky, please, baby, come back to me,” Aidan was fighting her tears so hard her words choked, “Please, Vicky, I’m begging you, please wake up.”

  Vicky whimpered, “It hurts...”

  Aidan’s emotions could take no more, and she began sobbing, her hands trembling, her heart pounding. She buried her head in Vicky’s hair and cried, “Oh God, please, baby, I’m begging you, wake up.”

  “Aidan, what’s the matter, you’re shaking,” Vicky put her hand on Aidan’s back and rubbed it.

  Aidan jumped up elated, “Vicky!” she cried, “Oh thank Christ. Are you all right?”

  “Sure, I’m fine, but you’ve been crying. What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

  “You don’t remember?”

  “Remember what, last night? Oh no, are you having second thoughts about our wedding?”

  “What? God no! No, I’m sorry, uh, I must have been dreaming or something. Anyway it doesn’t matter; we’ve got a big day ahead of us. Are we meeting Joyce for breakfast?” Aidan rubbed the tears off her face and tried to put on a positive demeanor.

  “Yes, and I invited Jerry too.”

  “Okay, well we better get going then, dontcha think?”

  Vicky laughed, “Anxious to hand me off to Joyce are you?”

  “No, baby,” Aidan said sincerely, “I’d keep you here in bed with me all day if I could, but I think you might have more fun planning the wedding.”

  “Well, don’t take this the wrong way, but actually I would,” Vicky laughed and continued, “You know, anticipation is half the fun.”

  While Vicky was in the shower, Aidan called Dr. Kline and explained about the nightmare, “Doc, I’m sorry to wake you, but Vicky had another nightmare.”

  “That’s all right, Aidan, call me anytime. Now tell me, does she remember the dream?”

  “No, she didn’t remember anything about the nightmare, but this time I think he was raping her. I couldn’t wake her up, Doc, she wouldn’t wake up.”

  Dr. Kline could hear the panic in Aidan’s voice. He asked, “How did you finally get her awake?

  “I just begged her to wake up. I think she heard me when I told her to run because she said she couldn’t move, so then I resorted to begging her and she woke up. Doc, I think what may have triggered this dream was that we were at the house where he had raped her. I tried to talk her out of it, but Vicky insisted.”

  “How did she react?”

  “She panicked and ran out of there.”

  “Her subconscious is pushing her to remember, but her fear is pushing back, and it’s locking her inside a nightmare.”

  “And I couldn’t wake her up from it, Doc,” Aidan could not get that vision out of her mind.

  “Don’t panic, Aidan. If she has one again, don’t do anything like throw water in her face or shake her. With this kind of traumatic dream it would only exacerbate things. Just keep talking to her, and in a normal voice tell her she’s safe, you won’t let him hurt her, like I did while she was under hypnosis. Just keep repeating that until you talk her out of the dream, Aidan.”

  “Doc, why wasn’t I enough this time?”

  Kline knew what she meant even though she was to shaken up to articulate it, “Aidan, the terror of what your father did is becoming too strong. It’s all consuming in her subconscious and soon it will rise to the surface and overwhelm her.”

  “Shouldn’t we tell her what’s going on then? I mean if she knows, won’t that prepare her for the possibility of going up against him?”

  “No, in my opinion, that will only make
things worse. I think she would see her attacker around every corner and eventually she would just shut down and never leave the house. I think its best that she doesn’t know, and that you locate your father and stop him. And the sooner the better.”

  “Okay, Doc, that makes sense. I signed up with Homeland Security yesterday so I can use their resources to track him down. I’ll stop the bastard, if it’s the last thing I do.”

  “Please keep me informed of your progress, and tell Vicky that she can come see me anytime, I’m always available to both of you.”

  ***

  “So I talked with Ellen this morning and she faxed me a checklist, that she wants you to fill out and fax back to her. She says you don’t have much time so don’t doddle.” Joyce handed Vicky the list as the four of them enjoyed their breakfast together.

  “Oh gee, it’s a pretty comprehensive list, Joyce. This could take a while to fill out.”

  “Well I’m here all day, but I need to leave this evening so let’s get cracking, shall we.”

  Aidan looked up from her scrambled eggs and said, “Listen, baby, I need to run to Homeland Security for a couple of hours but I’m sure Jerry would love to help you with your list too.”

  “Say what?” Jerry had no interest in helping plan a wedding, but Aidan kicked him under the table, and he realized what she was saying, “Oh yeah, I’d love to help.”

  Vicky and Joyce looked at him and laughed out loud.

  “Wait, Aidan, there’s some questions on here that I need you to answer.”

  Putting down her fork, Aidan said, “Sure, like what?”

  Vicky scanned the list and then asked, “What are you wearing?”

  “Uh…, what do you want me to wear?”

  “I thought maybe a tuxedo vest or coat. But no bow tie please, they look silly on you. Oh and my colors are violet and royal blue, and you would look stunning in either of them.”

  Aidan liked the thought of a royal blue vest on her, “That’s doable. What else?”

  “Oh, this one is really important, the honeymoon?”

  “Hmm, where to go on our honeymoon? Okay tell me, where have you always dreamed of going and we’ll go there.”

  “The alps in Switzerland. Or maybe New Zealand or Japan… no wait… Ireland!” Vicky remembered that as a child Aidan would talk about going to Ireland and finding her relatives. “Yes I’ve always wanted to go there and see where you got your red hair from,” she smiled, thinking of her lover in the land of her ancestors, what an adventure that would make.

  “Wow, really, kid? That has always been my dream. I’ve always wanted to see if any of my mother’s relatives were still living. Maybe they could tell me more about her.” Her father told her that her mother died right after she was born, so Aidan never got to know her mother. She always wondered what she was like, and why she married that bastard father of hers. But Aidan knew her mother had to of been a good person, a beautiful woman and a loving mother, it was just something she felt in her heart.

  “Oh yes, let’s definitely go to Ireland then,” Vicky said enthusiastically.

  Aidan smiled, “Anything else?”

  “Well, we don’t have to worry about getting a marriage license since our marriage won’t be legal here—”

  Joyce interrupted with a question, “Vicky, you could live anywhere you wanted to, why do you choose to stay here? You said it yourself, your marriage won’t be legal. It’s legal in New York, and a few other states.”

  Smiling, Vicky replied, “This is my home and I’m making a difference here. Just five years ago it would have been unheard of to have a lesbian running a major health system in the south, but here I am. And because I am free to be open about who I am, my employees are also free to do the same. Now, I’m not saying we don’t have a long way to go, but to paraphrase an old saying, if not me, than who? If not now, then when?”

  “I never thought of it that way, it makes since. Besides, being the southern belle that you are, you belong here,” Joyce’s eyes twinkled at her own witticism.

  Laughing, Vicky got back down to business, “So.., who should we get to officiate? I don’t think a Catholic priest will touch our wedding, so any suggestions?”

  Joyce had a suggestion, “Hell, I could officiate for that matter, but have the wedding of your dreams here then come to New York and get married again. It still won’t be recognized in Arkansas, but at least when you come to visit Ellen and me, you’ll be legal.”

  Vicky laughed, “Joyce, you are a card.”

  “She’s right, Vick, we can do that if you like. In the meantime you decide on who marries us, I don’t have a preference because in my heart I’m already married to you, and no sheet of paper or bureaucratic idiot will ever change that.”

  Jerry and Joyce simultaneously said aw, as Vicky stood up, walked over to Aidan and kissed her hard on the lips.

  “Okay, you two break it up. Save it for the honeymoon, we’ve got work to do. Let me have Ellen find someone to officiate for you Vicky, you don’t have to worry about it.” Joyce was always known for taking care of details first, play later, not that it was a bad thing necessarily, unless you’re sharing a passionate kiss with your fiancée.

  Smiling at Joyce, Vicky turned back to Aidan and asked, “What about our vows?”

  “Our vows? You mean like write something and recite it in front of all those people?” Though Aidan could be brave beyond measure, when it came to speaking in front of an audience, she cowered like a school girl.

  “Honey, all you have to say is one word, always, just say always and I’d be the happiest bride in the world.” To Vicky, the word always encompassed everything, always love me, always be faithful to me, always be here for me. She didn’t need to hear anything else.

  Aidan raked her hand through her hair and said, “Sure, I think I can handle that.”

  “Okay, next on the list is registering us for gifts? We’ll need to pick out china patterns, and—”

  Aidan interrupted her, “Remember when you said I wouldn’t have to lift a finger?” She winked at her and continued, “I honestly love your tastes, kid, and I honestly don’t have a preference on stuff like this. Remember I lived on the streets for half my life and in the barracks for the other half. I’ve never had a home, so I’ll leave it up to you to make our house a home.”

  “Oh! I would love to do that for us, Aidan. I would love that very much.” She promised herself that she would make their home the most loving, warm, comfortable sanctuary for Aidan and their kids. She made a mental note to watch for the little things that her lover enjoys, which was not going to be easy because Aidan wasn’t verbal about such things.

  “Last question for you, Aidan, is the rings. Do you want to wear a wedding band?”

  “Do you want me to wear a ring, Vicky?”

  “Oh no you don’t. You tell me first, and then I’ll tell you.”

  Busted, Aidan grinned and said, “Okay then, I want us both to wear a wedding band. I don’t want anyone hitting on my woman.”

  “You read my mind! That’s exactly what I was going to say too,” Vicky wanted the world to know she was married to Aidan, “Okay honey, that’s all the questions for you…, for now, you can go.”

  “Yes ma’am. Call me if you need anything. Jerry can I see you real quick over here?” Aidan and Jerry walked across the restaurant out of earshot of the others, and Aidan said, “I’m going to make you an appointment for this afternoon with Homeland Security so you can start the paperwork. The director is a good guy and he will have a badge and gun ready for you. But unlike me, you’ll start right away, and I’m sure you’d prefer that to helping with the wedding,” Aidan grinned knowing he was squirming to get out of the girl talk.

  “That sounds fine, Sarge, but that leaves Vicky unprotected, unless you can be by her side twenty-four seven?”

  “Damn, you’re right,” she replied, “and that’s not good. But I hate to put you on the spot like this, especially when you’re not even armed.�
��

  “Don’t worry about that, I’ve still got my hunter’s knife from our mission to Syria. It’s in my boot right now just in case the bastard shows himself.”

  “You are a good man, Jerry Williams, and a good friend. Thank you. But still, I can’t afford to pay you and I don’t know how long this may last. I’d feel better if—”

  “Sarge, don’t worry about it. I will be fine, trust me.”

  Though she still wasn’t sure, she had to respect his wishes. As Aidan left, Jerry went back to their table and sat down, “So, what are we talking about?”

  Vicky looked over at him and protested, “Jerry, now I know planning a wedding is not a man’s favorite thing to do. You won’t hurt my feelings if you want to leave.”

  “Don’t worry about me, Scrappy, I um…, well I’m fascinated by the inner workings of a wedding. It will help me when I get engaged, if ever.”

  Joyce smiled at him and said with all sincerity, “Oh, you’ll get married, Jerry. You’re too good looking not too snatched up a girl any minute now.”

  “Thank you, Joyce, you’re very kind and I hope you’re very right.”

  “Joyce is always right Jerry, best you learn that now.”

  ***

  Kate sat in her office, filing her nails, waiting on her boss to return from his meeting. She knew she had the best job in the world, because she had a boss who worshiped the ground she walked on. It didn’t hurt any, that he was a small, bookish type of man, who was still a virgin, until Kate met him. Now he’s happily married with two kids, and believes he owes it all to Kate.

  Kate looked up, and before her, stood a nervous looking woman, holding a bouquet of flowers in front of her face. The woman handed the flowers to Kate, who stood up to accept them, and then saw that it was Ruth behind those flowers. She started to speak, but Ruth put a finger to her lips, then turned around and waved. A young man wearing a chef’s cap and jacket, wheeled in a cart with a large chocolate sheet cake on it. Written on the cake, in whip cream, was the question, ‘would you be my date for the evening?’.