You Have Never Been Here

by Mary Rickert

  “I’m flattered, really,” she said. But she didn’t try to continue the conversation. She set the book down on the table beneath the painting of the avocado. He watched her pick up an empty cup and bring it toward her face, breathing in the lingered breath that remained. She looked up suddenly, caught him watching, frowned, and turned away.

  Alex understood. She wasn’t what he’d been expecting either. But when love arrives it doesn’t always appear as expected. He couldn’t just ignore it. He couldn’t pretend it hadn’t happened. He walked out of the coffee shop into the afternoon sunshine.

  Of course, there were problems, her not being alive for one. But Alex was not a man of prejudice.

  He was patient besides. He stood in the art supply store for hours, pretending particular interest in the anatomical hinged figurines of sexless men and women in the front window, before she walked past, her hair glowing like a forest fire.

  “Agatha,” he called.

  She turned, frowned, and continued walking. He had to take little running steps to catch up. “Hi,” he said. He saw that she was biting her lower lip. “You just getting off work?”

  She stopped walking right in front of the bank, which was closed by then, and squinted up at him.

  “Alex,” he said. “I was talking to you today at the coffee shop.”

  “I know who you are.”

  Her tone was angry. He couldn’t understand it. Had he insulted her somehow?

  “I don’t have Alzheimer’s. I remember you.”

  He nodded. This was harder than he had expected.

  “What do you want?” she said.

  Her tone was really downright hostile. He shrugged. “I just thought we could, you know, talk.”

  She shook her head. “Listen, I’m happy that you liked my story.”

  “I did,” he said, nodding. “It was great.”

  “But what would we talk about? You and me?”

  Alex shifted beneath her lavender gaze. He licked his lips. She wasn’t even looking at him, but glancing around him and across the street. “I don’t care if it does mean I’ll die sooner,” he said. “I want to give you a kiss.”

  Her mouth dropped open.

  “Is something wrong?”

  She turned and ran. She wore one red sneaker and one green. They matched her hair.

  As Alex walked back to his car, parked in front of the coffee shop, he tried to talk himself into not feeling so bad about the way things went. He hadn’t always been like this. He used to be able to talk to people. Even women. Okay, he had never been suave, he knew that, but he’d been a regular guy. Certainly no one had ever run away from him before. But after Tessie died, people changed. Of course, this made sense, initially. He was in mourning, even if he didn’t cry (something the doctor told him not to worry about because one day, probably when he least expected it, the tears would fall). He was obviously in pain. People were very nice. They talked to him in hushed tones. Touched him, gently. Even men tapped him with their fingertips. All this gentle touching had been augmented by vigorous hugs. People either touched him as if he would break or hugged him as if he had already broken and only the vigor of the embrace kept him intact.

  For the longest time there had been all this activity around him. People called, sent chatty e-mails, even handwritten letters, cards with flowers on them and prayers. People brought over casseroles, and bread, Jell-O with fruit in it. (Nobody brought chocolate chip cookies, which he might have actually eaten.)

  To Alex’s surprise, once Tessie had died, it felt as though a great weight had been lifted from him, but instead of appreciating the feeling, the freedom of being lightened of the burden of his wife’s dying body, he felt in danger of floating away or disappearing. Could it be possible, he wondered, that Tessie’s body, even when she was mostly bones and barely breath, was all that kept him real? Was it possible that he would have to live like this, held to life by some strange force but never a part of it again? These questions led Alex to the brief period where he’d experimented with becoming a Hare Krishna, shaved his head, dressed in orange robes, and took up dancing in the park. Alex wasn’t sure but he thought that was when people started treating him as if he were strange, and even after he grew his hair out and started wearing regular clothes again, people continued to treat him strangely.

  And, Alex had to admit, as he inserted his key into the lock of his car, he’d forgotten how to behave. How to be normal, he guessed.

  You just don’t go read something somebody wrote and decide you love her, he scolded himself as he eased into traffic. You don’t just go falling in love with breath-stealing ghosts. People don’t do that.

  Alex did not go to the coffee shop the next day, or the day after that, but it was the only coffee shop in town, and had the best coffee in the state. They roasted the beans right there. Freshness like that can’t be faked.

  It was awkward for him to see her behind the counter, over by the dirty cups, of course. But when she looked up at him, he attempted a kind smile, then looked away.

  He wasn’t there to bother her. He ordered French Roast in a cup to go, even though he hated to drink out of paper, paid for it, dropped the change into the tip jar, and left without any further interaction with her.

  He walked to the park, where he sat on a bench and watched a woman with two small boys feed white bread to the ducks. This was illegal because the ducks would eat all the bread offered to them, they had no sense of appetite, or being full, and they would eat until their stomachs exploded. Or something like that. Alex couldn’t exactly remember. He was pretty sure it killed them. But Alex couldn’t decide what to do. Should he go tell that lady and those two little boys that they were killing the ducks? How would that make them feel, especially as they were now triumphantly shaking out the empty bag, the ducks crowded around them, one of the boys squealing with delight? Maybe he should just tell her quietly. But she looked so happy. Maybe she’d been having a hard time of it. He saw those mothers on Oprah, saying what a hard job it was, and maybe she’d had that kind of morning, even screaming at the kids, and then she got this idea, to take them to the park and feed the ducks and now she felt good about what she’d done and maybe she was thinking that she wasn’t such a bad mom after all, and if Alex told her she was killing the ducks, would it stop the ducks from dying or just stop her from feeling happiness? Alex sighed. He couldn’t decide what to do. The ducks were happy, the lady was happy, and one of the boys was happy. The other one looked sort of terrified. She picked him up and they walked away together, she carrying the boy who waved the empty bag like a balloon, the other one skipping after them, a few ducks hobbling behind.

  For three days Alex ordered his coffee to go and drank it in the park. On the fourth day, Agatha wasn’t anywhere that he could see and he surmised that it was her day off so he sat at his favorite table in the back. But on the fifth day, even though he didn’t see her again, and it made sense that she’d have two days off in a row, he ordered his coffee to go and took it to the park. He’d grown to like sitting on the bench watching strolling park visitors, the running children, the dangerously fat ducks.

  He had no idea she would be there and he felt himself blush when he saw her coming down the path that passed right in front of him. He stared deeply into his cup and fought the compulsion to run. He couldn’t help it, though. Just as the toes of her red and green sneakers came into view he looked up. I’m not going to hurt you, he thought, and then he smiled, that false smile he’d been practicing on her and, incredibly, she smiled back! Also, falsely, he assumed, but he couldn’t blame her for that.

  She looked down the path and he followed her gaze, seeing that, though the path around the duck pond was lined with benches every fifty feet or so, all of them were taken. She sighed. “Mind if I sit here?”

  He scooted over and she sat down slowly. He glanced at her profile. She looked worn out, he decided. Her lavender eye flickered toward him, and he looked into his cup again. It made sense that s
he would be tired, he thought; if she’d been off work for two days, she’d also been going that long without stealing breath from cups. “Want some?” he said, offering his.

  She looked startled, pleased, and then falsely unconcerned. She peered over the edge of his cup, shrugged, and said, “Okay, yeah, sure.”

  He handed it to her and politely watched the ducks so she could have some semblance of privacy with it. After a while she said thanks and handed it back to him. He nodded and stole a look at her profile again. It pleased him that her color already looked better. His breath had done that!

  “Sorry about the other day,” she said, “I was just. . . .”

  They waited together but she didn’t finish the sentence.

  “It’s okay,” he said, “I know I’m weird.”

  “No, you’re, well—” She smiled, glanced at him, shrugged. “It isn’t that. I like weird people. I’m weird. But, I mean, I’m not dead, okay? You kind of freaked me out with that.”

  He nodded. “Would you like to go out with me sometime?” Inwardly, he groaned. He couldn’t believe he just said that.

  “Listen, Alex?”

  He nodded. Stop nodding, he told himself. Stop acting like a bobblehead.

  “Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself?”

  So he told her. How he’d been coming to the park lately, watching people overfeed the ducks, wondering if he should tell them what they were doing but they all looked so happy doing it, and the ducks looked happy too, and he wasn’t sure anyway, what if he was wrong, what if he told everyone to stop feeding bread to the ducks and it turned out it did them no harm and how would he know? Would they explode like balloons, or would it be more like how it had been when his wife died, a slow, painful death, eating her away inside, and how he used to come here, when he was a monk, well, not really a monk, he’d never gotten ordained or anything, but he’d been trying the idea on for a while and how he used to sing and spin in circles and how it felt a lot like what he’d remembered of happiness but he could never be sure because a remembered emotion is like a remembered taste, it’s never really there. And then, one day, a real monk came and watched him spinning in circles and singing nonsense, and he just stood and watched Alex, which made him self-conscious because he didn’t really know what he was doing, and the monk started laughing, which made Alex stop, and the monk said, “Why’d you stop?” And Alex said, “I don’t know what I’m doing.” And the monk nodded, as if this was a very wise thing to say and this, just this monk with his round bald head and wire-rimmed spectacles, in his simple orange robe (not at all like the orange-dyed sheet Alex was wearing) nodding when Alex said, “I don’t know what I’m doing,” made Alex cry and he and the monk sat down under that tree, and the monk (whose name was Ron) told him about Kali, the goddess who is both womb and grave. Alex felt like it was the first thing anyone had said to him that made sense since Tessie died and after that he stopped coming to the park, until just recently, and let his hair grow out again and stopped wearing his robe. Before she’d died, he’d been one of the lucky ones, or so he’d thought, because he made a small fortune in a dot com, and actually got out of it before it all went belly up while so many people he knew lost everything but then Tessie came home from her doctor’s appointment, not pregnant but with cancer, and he realized he wasn’t lucky at all. They met in high school and were together until she died, at home, practically blind by that time, and she made him promise he wouldn’t just give up on life. So he began living this sort of half-life, but he wasn’t unhappy or depressed, he didn’t want her to think that, he just wasn’t sure. “I sort of lost confidence in life,” he said. “It’s like I don’t believe in it anymore. Not like suicide, but I mean, like the whole thing, all of it isn’t real somehow. Sometimes I feel like it’s all a dream, or a long nightmare that I can never wake up from. It’s made me odd, I guess.”

  She bit her lower lip, glanced longingly at his cup.

  “Here,” Alex said. “I’m done anyway.”

  She took it and lifted it toward her face, breathing in, he was sure of it, and only after she was finished, drinking the coffee. They sat like that in silence for a while and then they just started talking about everything, just as Alex had hoped they would. She told him how she had grown up living near the ocean, and her father had died young, and then her mother had too, and she had a boyfriend, her first love, who broke her heart, but the story she wrote was just a story, a story about her life, her dream life, the way she felt inside, like he did, as though somehow life was a dream. Even though everyone thought she was a painter (because he was the only one who read it, he was the only one who got it), she was a writer, not a painter, and stories seemed more real to her than life. At a certain point he offered to take the empty cup and throw it in the trash but she said she liked to peel off the wax, and then began doing so. Alex politely ignored the divergent ways she found to continue drinking his breath. He didn’t want to embarrass her.

  They finally stood up and stretched, walked through the park together and grew quiet, with the awkwardness of new friends. “You want a ride?” he said, pointing at his car.

  She declined, which was a disappointment to Alex, but he determined not to let it ruin his good mood. He was willing to leave it at that, to accept what had happened between them that afternoon as a moment of grace to be treasured and expect nothing more from it, when she said, “What are you doing next Tuesday?” They made a date, well, not a date, Alex reminded himself, an arrangement, to meet the following Tuesday in the park, which they did, and there followed many wonderful Tuesdays. They did not kiss. They were friends. Of course Alex still loved her. He loved her more. But he didn’t bother her with all that and it was in the spirit of friendship that he suggested (after weeks of Tuesdays in the park) that the following Tuesday she come for dinner, “nothing fancy,” he promised when he saw the slight hesitation on her face.

  But when she said yes, he couldn’t help it; he started making big plans for the night.

  Naturally, things were awkward when she arrived. He offered to take her sweater, a lumpy looking thing in wild shades of orange, lime green, and purple. He should have just let her throw it across the couch—that would have been the casual non-datelike thing to do—but she handed it to him and then, wiping her hand through her hair which, by candlelight looked like bloody grass, cased his place with those lavender eyes, deeply shadowed as though she hadn’t slept for weeks.

  He could see she was freaked out by the candles. He hadn’t gone crazy or anything. They were just a couple of small candles, not even purchased from the store in the mall, but bought at the grocery store, unscented. “I like candles,” he said, sounding defensive even to his own ears.

  She smirked, as if she didn’t believe him, and then spun away on the toes of her red sneaker and her green one, and plopped down on the couch. She looked absolutely exhausted. This was not a complete surprise to Alex. It had been a part of his plan, actually, but he felt bad for her just the same.

  He kept dinner simple: lasagna, a green salad, chocolate cake for dessert. They didn’t eat in the dining room. That would have been too formal. Instead they ate in the living room, she sitting on the couch, and he on the floor, their plates on the coffee table, watching a DVD of I Love Lucy episodes, a mutual like they had discovered. (Though her description of watching I Love Lucy reruns as a child did not gel with his picture of her in the crooked keeper’s house, offering tea to melting ghosts, he didn’t linger over the inconsistency.) Alex offered her plenty to drink but he wouldn’t let her come into the kitchen or get anywhere near his cup. He felt bad about this, horrible, in fact, but he tried to stay focused on the bigger picture.

  After picking at her cake for a while, Agatha set the plate down, leaned back into the gray throw pillows, and closed her eyes.

  Alex watched her. He didn’t think about anything, he just watched her. Then he got up very quietly so as not to disturb her and went into the kitchen where he carefull
y, quietly opened the drawer in which he had stored the supplies. Coming up from behind, eyeing her red and green hair, he moved quickly. She turned toward him, cursing loudly, her eyes wide and frightened, as he pressed her head to her knees, pulled her arms behind her back (to the accompaniment of a sickening crack, and her scream), pressed the wrists together and wrapped them with the rope. She struggled in spite of her weakened state, her legs flailing, kicking the coffee table. The plate with the chocolate cake flew off it and landed on the beige rug and her screams escalated into a horrible noise, unlike anything Alex had ever heard before. Luckily, Alex was prepared with the duct tape, which he slapped across her mouth. By that time he was rather exhausted himself. But she stood up and began to run, awkwardly, across the room. It broke his heart to see her this way. He grabbed her from behind. She kicked and squirmed but she was quite a small person and it was easy for him to get her legs tied.

  “Is that too tight?” he asked.

  She looked at him with wide eyes. As if he were the ghost.

  “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

  She shook her head. Tried to speak, but only produced muffled sounds.

  “I can take that off,” he said, pointing at the duct tape. “But you have to promise me you won’t scream. If you scream, I’ll just put it on, and I won’t take it off again. Though, you should know, ever since Tessie died I have these vivid dreams and nightmares, and I wake up screaming a lot. None of my neighbors has ever done anything about it. Nobody’s called the police to report it, and nobody has even asked me if there’s a problem. That’s how it is among the living. Okay?”

  She nodded.

  He picked at the edge of the tape with his fingertips and when he got a good hold of it, he pulled fast. It made a loud ripping sound. She grunted and gasped, tears falling down her cheeks as she licked her lips.