by Jamie Knight
“Oh, yeah. That’s what I should do, too. Binge watch something. I hear this Tiger King documentary is pretty good. Looks weird though.”
“I saw the trailer,” explained Gillian. “He loves tigers, and he tries to kill this woman. I think he ends up in jail.”
“You just gave it away!”
“That was in the trailer,” assured Gillian. “Trust me. Sounds like there’s way more to it than that.”
“I actually wanted to watch this new Star Trek show, but everyone says it’s terrible.”
“It’s so weird you have to pay for it now. I think the first episode’s free. You have Netflix?”
“I’m not sure what we have. I think we have a whole package. Including Amazon Prime.”
“Oh, yeah, that one is lit. Good ole Amazon, providing us with all the entertainment.”
“You get Amazon delivered where you live?”
“Of course! The best thing about it is that since we’re in the woods, no one ever steals off of our porch. Although sometimes the guy leaves the packages by the road. Our driveway is like a hike.”
“He just leaves them at the road? That’s nuts.”
“Well, not really. It’s where the mailbox is. Otherwise, he’d have to pull off the road and drive all the way in. I don’t think they can do that,” Gillian explained.
“What happens if it’s raining?”
“My dad had originally built a little package box for that, but then the animals started nesting in there. One of the security cameras looks at the road, so we just keep an eye out. He usually comes in the early afternoon, so I just run out there and get the stuff. We have a golf cart with a little roof.”
“You have a golf cart? Just to go down your driveway?” I laughed. “That’s so weird.”
“I know, but it’s like a quarter of a mile! It’s a lot faster, especially if it’s raining and you don’t want to get wet. Usually, my dad and I will do it. I’ll drive and he holds the umbrella, then I stop. He hops out and gets the packages while I turn around. Then he jumps back on and we drive into the garage.”
“That’s a complicated way to get the mail!” I laughed.
“What’s even worse now is that Dad decided to order all our food online. We keep getting cases of soup and stuff delivered. It’s heavy! I went out there when it wasn’t raining to get a case of mandarin oranges—”
“What?” I laughed. “You’re ordering fruit in a can?”
“The produce stand is like, ten minutes away by car. No, more than that. Probably like twenty minutes. He doesn’t even want to go there. He says that people handling the fruit can infect us.”
“Jeez, does he have a bunker?”
“He priced one!” laughed Gillian. “Seriously, we have so much food stockpiled here. If the world ends, come on by. Just wave, so dad doesn’t shoot you.”
“I’ll remember. What’s it like eating out of cans?”
“Well, we’re not at that point yet,” she confessed. “Mom had her normal food run, but dad’s like, no, that’s over now.”
“Jeez.”
“Yeah, and he got a bunch of MRE’s too.”
“What’s that?”
“The ready-made Army meals. They come in these shrink-wrapped packages and everything’s in there to make a meal. It even has these like heating elements you mix together, and it heats up the food.”
“Wow, cool. Are they good?”
“They’re, like, okay. They’re heavy and shit,” Gil said. “I mean, they’re supposed to be calorie dense for soldiers in the field running around. They had this milkshake. And you know me and milkshakes, right? Well, I could barely drink a quart of this one and I was like, “No, I’m done, I’m so full!’”
“Crazy. Speaking of calories, I think I need something to eat. Let me go. I’m sure I’ll be talking to you again.”
“Yeah, check you later.”
I got myself a snack out of the pantry and headed up to my room in a towel.
I was going to need to shower off all this chlorine.
I hated the smell.
Suddenly, the bathroom door opened and Phil, buck naked, just strolled out and into his room. Holy shit! Wow.
I wasn’t turned on– or, at least, I was trying not to be— but he seemed to be in great shape. I guess if he had a different personality and was someone else… no, weird.
What was I saying?
That was too weird, even for a thought.
He had great muscles, and ripped, six pack abs.
He looked sturdy and strong, like he could pick up my curvy body and carry me up the stairs.
Stop it, now.
I told myself to pretend I hadn’t just seen what I had seen.
But it was a lot harder to do than I’d thought.
I wondered how long that image would be burnt into my mind before I’d be able to get it out!
Chapter Seven - Phil
We were three days into quarantine and, for the most part, I had successfully isolated myself from the rest of the family. The comics podcast grinded on, I was keeping up with the news online and I had never gotten so far in video games in my life. I also chatted with John and Mickey daily, so I felt that I had somewhat of a social life, still.
Mostly, I enjoyed being on my own and having time to myself instead of constantly going to classes on campus and being surrounded by brown-nosers, class clowns, snooty fraternity and sorority types, and obnoxious professors.
Sometimes it got boring, but usually I had fun relaxing in my room. But just then, my glorious relaxation was interrupted by a knock.
“Hey, Phil,” said Richard. “Got a sec?”
I closed the windows of my browser. I had so many open, I didn’t want to take any chances.
“Yeah, sure,” I said.
“Why don’t we have a chat?” he offered. “Meet me in my study in a minute?”
Study? Oh, no. What is this? Guess he’s trying to be a buddy. Oh, well, best to get it over with it.
“Yeah-yeah, give me a sec. I’ll meet you.”
When I got down into his “study,” which was really just a multi-purpose room anyone in the family could use, he was sitting there with a bottle of whiskey and two glasses.
“C’mon in,” he offered. “Close the door.”
I did and sat down. He slid over a tumbler of whiskey. I raised an eyebrow.
“It’s fine,” he said. “Your mother doesn’t have to know.”
I took a sip. It was smooth stuff, but it burned a little.
“Nice,” I said. “So, what’s on your mind, Richard?”
“Just thought we could have a chat. Man to man,” he offered. “You want a cigar? Go ahead. They’re Cuban.”
I knew this was a ploy just to get on my good side, but I had never really tried a cigar before. Especially not a good one. The Cuban ones were legendary.
“Yeah, sure,” I said, unafraid.
He clipped it for me. I put it in my mouth and he lit the end. It was a strong, robust flavor and it filled my lungs immediately. I coughed.
“You’ll get used to it,” he assured. “Phil, I know this transition probably hasn’t been easy for you. I can’t imagine what you think of me.”
“Does it matter?”
“Why do you say that?”
“I’ll be out of the house soon. As soon as quarantine is over, and the campus opens back up. You’ll have Mom all to yourself then.”
“Look, how many relationships have you been in?” he asked.
“Two-ish,” I offered, which was still a stretch.
“Well, you got a taste of what it’s like to deal with women. I’ve been where you’re at. Young, looking to impress the ladies— I know that urge. It never really leaves you, but thankfully it levels off as you get older.”
“Please, Richard, spare me,” I sighed. “You were cheating on your first wife with my mother.”
“I know,” he said,
looking away, ashamed. “That wasn’t the best way to start things off. But your mother was unhappy with your father. It’s no one’s fault, but it was going to lead to a divorce eventually, right?”
“Maybe.”
“C’mon, I didn’t hypnotize her.”
“You didn’t help.”
“True. Look, I take responsibility for what I did, but I love your mother. I want what’s best for her and you.”
“That ship has sailed,” I pointed out. “Would’ve been best if we were still a family.”
“Granted, but that ship has sailed,” Richard said, repeating my own words back to me. “We get dealt the cards we’re dealt and have to make the best of them. We can be enemies. Like you said, you’re out of here soon. I’d rather be—”
“Don’t say friends,” I begged. “Please don’t.”
“Then whatever. Acquaintances who tolerate each other?” he offered. “When you’re older and you’ve been around, you’ll probably have a better perspective on this. Women are… fickle. They’re work to keep. You keep your wife happy or she leaves.”
“That’s the rule?”
“Kinda, yeah.”
“What about the husband? What does he get?”
“Sex,” he said, then laughed.
“Sounds like a shitty deal, Richard.”
“Welcome to life,” he shrugged. “But really. I was just kidding. We have responsibilities in life, but we also get the happiness of companionship and sex, which makes it all worth it. It’s not much better for the wives. They have to keep us happy, too, even if neither spouse likes to admit it about the other.”
I laughed. It was pretty ballsy, the way he was talking. If I told mom half the stuff he said, she’d probably have a fit.
“Shit, Richard. This is getting pretty real.”
“If you don’t have truth, you don’t have much of anything,” he offered. “If I can’t be real with you, you won’t trust me. Not that I expect you to instantly trust me on every subject, but, well, just give me some credit where credit’s due, okay? I’m trying to build a bridge.”
“After you destroyed one between my mom and dad.”
“That wasn’t all me,” he pointed out. “Couldn’t possibly be. You don’t stray from the path for just anyone and for no reason. If you’re being honest, you’d have to admit they were having problems before I came along.”
That was true. They had bickered a lot over the years. My mother wasn’t happy and part of me had always known that. I sighed. Maybe I didn’t want this conversation.
“Look, if this is too real, Phil, I—” Richard started to say.
“No, you’re talking to me like a man. I get it,” I acknowledged. “You know I wanted to punch you in the face? I vowed to do it if we ever were alone.”
He put down his drink and his cigar, then stretched out his arms.
“Okay, but you only get one shot.”
“You know I’m not going to do that,” I said, smiling wryly. “What would you tell Mom?”
“That I walked into a door or fell down. It’s fine. Just so I’m ready when you do it. Don’t surprise me in the hall or coming out of the bathroom, okay?”
It was hard to stay mad at Richard. He seemed like a genuine guy and he was pretty funny, too. I didn’t think I could ever forgive him for what he did, but I suppose I could learn to live with it.
Maybe I would see things differently in the next ten years or, God forbid, if I were to ever have a serious relationship not work out. Not that I would want that, which was one reason I stayed out of relationships to begin with. I sipped the whiskey.
“Yeah, sure,” I agreed.
“I don’t know how long this lockdown’s gonna last, but if you ever want to visit the man cave,” he offered. “Let me know. We can smoke, drink— I’m gonna assume that’s all you do. I’m not really into weed, but if you want to smoke a bowl—”
“You’re working it hard, Richard,” I smiled. “I’m not gonna share my schwag with you, but I guess we have a truce. Anything else?”
“Yeah,” he sighed. “One big ask. My daughter— I’d really like it if you two could learn to get along. I’m sensing a lot of tension there. Tracianne’s kind of in the same boat. She’s blasted me pretty good about dating your mother.”
“They do not get along.”
“No, they do not,” admitted Richard. “The two of them are vying for Queen of the Beehive and there can be only one.”
Hmm. That was true. Why was it that Richard and I could sit down together and have a real chat, but the ladies? No way.
They’d pretend to be cordial, but you could sense the underlying hostility between the two. My mother would rule over Tracianne or she would be driven out of the house. I could just see it.
As much as I disliked Phil and what he did, I could at least tolerate him if I tried. Such a weird dynamic either way, I guess.
“Maybe if you spent some time with Tracianne,” he offered. “Got to know her. Maybe, I don’t know, watch some TV together or something. I’m not suggesting you have to be best buddies—”
“Yeah, sure. I hear you. And I’ll see what I can do.”
He toasted and we clinked glasses.
“Thanks, buddy,” he smiled.
He wouldn’t be smiling if he knew how turned on I’d been when I had seen her swimming. I was sure this conversation would get really ugly, really quickly, if I told him how hot I thought his daughter was.
Oh, but he could talk about my mother all day long and I would have to sit here and—
Nah, he wasn’t trying to be a bastard. God, I wanted to dislike him, and, for my dad, I would not say I liked him. I decided I would, henceforth, only tolerate him somewhat. It was the best I could do under the circumstances.
It seemed the best thing for me to do for my own situation, too. If Richard thought I was cool with him, he’d be calm. The whole house would be calm, and I would have less visits from him.
I could podcast and read comics in peace. If I put up a resistance, what would I get? I guess I would get the satisfaction of pissing him off, but then we’d both be miserable.
No, it was best to go along with what he was saying, just to get along.
“All right, I have to go back to my room,” I said. “Thanks for the drink. Sorry, I can’t finish that cigar.”
“That’s okay,” he shrugged. “I’ll save the rest of it for you for next time if you want it. You keep these things dry, they last forever.”
He snipped off its ends and put it in a plastic case. I went back to my room to have more dirty thoughts about his daughter.
If I was going to have to try to get along with her, there was no way I was going to stop thinking about all the naughty things I wanted to do to her.
Chapter Eight - Tracianne
After days of nothing but surfing the Internet, I grew weary.
What day was it?
Had I been locked in for a week yet?
Jesus, I’m going out of my mind!
“Hey girl, what’s real?” asked Diamond, over the phone.
“I’m going crazy. I have to leave,” I growled. “I can’t take this anymore!”
“Whoa-whoa-whoa, slow down. Talk to me,” offered Diamond.
“My stepmother is like, all over Phil and my dad, asking shit like, ‘What do you boys want to eat? Are you feeling okay? You should have some more fruit!’” I mocked. “She’s driving me crazy!”
“Because she’s helping her son and her husband?”
“Because she acts like they’re children instead of grown men. Plus, she doesn’t offer to help me!”
I knew I was whining but by that point I didn’t even care.
“Listen to me,” Diamond said. “Tracianne, you gotta get a hold of yourself. You are missing your own mother. That’s what your problem is. Take it from Dr. Diamond.”
“Why am I so angry?”
“I don’t know.
You miss your mom and you’re frustrated. Whatever you do, don’t take it out on other people, okay? That’s not gonna help anything,” Diamond consoled. “I understand you’re cooped up, but you can get out. Hey, I’m seeing this guy tonight. You want to come? I’ll see if I can get you a date.”
“You’re ten hours away, in Jersey City!”
“So?”
“I’m not driving ten hours to go out on a— Wait a minute, you’re supposed to be at home! Quarantine, remember? Why are you going out?”
“Oh, fuck that noise. There’s this illegal bar I know,” Diamond said. “Just like an old-fashioned speakeasy from back in the day. It’s great. I think the Mafia runs it.”
“What? No. Diamond, don’t go there!”
“Relax. The mob doesn’t bother hot girls like us,” she assured. “All they do is buy us drinks and if you’re lucky, jewelry! Heh-heh!”
Oh, my God.
Why did I call Diamond of all people? She was nuts. She couldn’t possibly relate to all this.
“Diamond, I’m not coming to see you,” I said. “We’re in lockdown. You have to stay in. I don’t want you to get sick.”
“Are you crying?”
“Yes! You’re making me upset!”
“Okay, okay, I was half kidding. The Mafia doesn’t really run that place, I don’t think.”
“Don’t go out. Please!”
“All right, fine. I’ll stay in. Damn, Tracianne.”
“Thank you,” I said, catching my breath. “I feel better now.”
“I hope so. Because I don’t! What the fuck am I going to do now?”
“Just stay home!”
“It’s boring. Oh, wait. Maybe I can get him to sneak in through the window,” she surmised. “If he brings me a bottle of tequila, we could just chill here. Let me text him.”
“Okay, please don’t tell me anymore. You shouldn’t do that, but I guess that’s better than going to an illegal bar.”
“Trust me, this virus is nothing. Besides, I’m indestructible, didn’t you know that? Completely invincible.”
“I don’t know how I’m going to get through the rest of school with you,” I sighed. “You take all these wild chances.”
“You have to! While you’re young, girl. You can’t do this shit when you’re old! Live a little. Where are you right now?”