Rae

by E. R. Wade

  Who cares?

  “You could have sent an email,” I point out.

  “You blocked me.” That’s right, I did.

  I don’t want to let him in but the Jaden I know won’t leave willingly, and I’d hate to give my neighbors something to talk about. “This better be important, Jaden,” I say in my best don’t-mess-with-me tone.

  “It is,” he assures me.

  I open the door wider and he steps into my apartment. I have an uncomfortable feeling that he shouldn’t be in my personal space. I need him to say whatever it is he wants to say, and then get the hell out.

  He looks around my apartment. “This is a nice place. It suits you. I’m happy you’re doing great.”

  “Your two minutes have started,” I tell him. I don’t bother offering him a seat or a drink. He isn’t staying long.

  He turns his brown eyes to me. “I want you to come home. It’s time you came back. You’ve had years to get over your anger.” At the incredulous look on my face, he hastily adds “Which of course you’re entitled to and I deserve.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me, Jaden. This is what you came here to tell me?”

  His voice gets deeper. “I get why you divorced me, Kenz. I get it. I fucked up. But it’s time you forgive me. If you had been the one to hurt me, I would have willingly forgiven you. I would never have left you. I love you that much. You know that.”

  I stand there gaping at him. He looks dead serious. I can’t believe I’m listening to this shit again. I thought I was done with this years ago. “Well, we’ll never know, will we? Since I’m not the one that broke our vows.” I take a calming breath to stem the anger threatening to burst free. “Jaden, I’m going to say this hopefully for the last time. You and I are done. I don’t love you anymore and I am not remotely interested in getting back together with you.”

  “You can’t mean that. We were so good together. I can bring us back to how we were if you let me.”

  What the fuck? Is he kidding me right now? “I need you to leave.”

  He studies me carefully. He knows I’m not joking. I’m sick of this conversation.

  “My son’s name is Mackenzie, or Mack for short.” I freeze at his words. “His second name is Raymond. I named him after you.”

  “Your girlfriend or wife doesn’t mind?”

  “I don’t have a girlfriend and I certainly don’t have a wife. You’re the only woman I’ll ever marry. You’re the only woman I’ll ever love.”

  “That’s just sick, Jaden. Naming another woman’s child after the woman you left to be with her.”

  “I didn’t leave you. You left me. I never wanted the divorce.”

  “You left me no choice. Did you think I would pat you in the back for getting that skanky woman pregnant?”

  “I made a mistake, babe. A really big one. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. You have no idea how fucking sorry I am.”

  “No, Jaden. It wasn’t a mistake. What you had with her wasn’t a one-time thing.”

  He doesn’t deny it. “I’ll do anything to make it up to you. We can’t just throw away the eleven years we had together. We’ve been together since we were nineteen.”

  “You should have thought about that before sticking your dick in some other woman.”

  He winces at my barb. “Please, let me fix everything I broke. I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you, I promise.”

  “Too little, too late. This ship sailed a long time ago.”

  He takes a step closer. “Kenzie –”

  “No. Don’t you dare come near me. Go back to what’s-her-name. You two deserve each other.”

  “Rae?”

  Cole. We have plans to go to White Hart Lane to watch a Champions’ League match so he closed earlier than usual today. We’re supposed to meet Luke and a friend of theirs, Gavin, at the stadium, and then have dinner together afterwards. That’s why I opened the door to Jaden – I thought he was Cole. I slowly turn to face him. He’s standing by the door with a curious expression on his face. Why didn’t I hear the door open? I take a deep breath to compose myself, and try to relax my expression. There’s no hiding the tension in the room though.

  “Hey,” I say awkwardly. My voice sounds off even to me. He raises an eyebrow at my greeting, and I wince inwardly. I never expected or wanted him to meet Jaden. I need to get my loser ex out of my apartment immediately. He glances at Jaden, who’s watching us closely, but he doesn’t acknowledge him.

  “Are you okay?” He looks concerned. Before I can open my mouth to assure him that I’m fine, Jaden butts in.

  “Kenzie, who is this?”

  Cole furrows his brows as he walks towards me. “Kenzie?”

  “My given name is Mackenzie. Rae is my middle name.”

  “How did I not know this?” he asks. I hope he’s not wondering what else he doesn’t know about me.

  “I stopped using my first name a few years ago. I prefer Rae.”

  “Because of him?”

  Okay, so he knows who Jaden is.

  “No. Not because of him. I wanted something different.”

  Cole studies me intently, like he’s trying to decipher my words. “Okay.” I breathe a sigh of relief. He pulls me to him in a protective way, and Jaden’s expression hardens.

  “Get your hands off my wife.”

  Cole’s head snaps up, and he goes completely rigid, looking at Jaden with cold, hard eyes.

  “Ex-wife,” I quickly point out, glaring at Jaden. “You should go, Jaden. Cole and I have plans.”

  “He’s white.” First Devin, now Jaden? I almost roll my eyes.

  “Thank you for pointing that out. Obviously, I had no idea,” I say sarcastically.

  “What the hell, Kenzie? You’re choosing him over me? We were together for eleven years. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? We’re family.”

  “No, we’re not. Your family is that woman and your son. Go back to them.”

  “You’re –”

  Cole lets go of me and takes a step towards Jaden. “You heard her. She wants you out of here,” he says menacingly. From his tone, it’s clear that if Jaden doesn’t leave willingly, he’ll forcefully throw him out.

  Jaden sizes him up. Cole is a couple of inches taller but Jaden is broader. I don’t want a fight. I need to insist that Jaden leaves now. I never should have let him in.

  “You know what, Kenz? I’ll go. I’ll leave you alone but I won’t ever stop loving you because what I feel for you is real. I made a terrible mistake, and you know part of what I was feeling then.” I glare at his subtle reminder that he wanted children and I wasn’t ready. Is that supposed to be an excuse for his despicable actions? “No excuses. It’s all on me. When you love someone, you forgive the person. It’s hard I know, but that’s what you do. There is nothing you’d ever do to me that I wouldn’t forgive. After the divorce, I gave you space. I waited for you to come back but you never did. Then I started looking for you. And I find this,” he says, waving a hand towards Cole but not taking his eyes off me. “Eleven years together, one mistake. Can he even guarantee you that he’ll still be here in a year?” I don’t answer him. I shouldn’t let his question get to me but I can’t help it. “So, when you’re done with him, give me a call. You have my number.”

  I feel the anger emanating from Cole.

  “Goodbye, Jaden. Have a good life,” I say frostily.

  Jaden gives me a resigned look and walks out of my apartment. I breathe a sigh of relief. I hope I never see him again.

  Cole turns to me. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m just glad he’s gone.”

  “How long was he here?”

  “Not long,” I tell him. “I’m sorry you had to witness that.”

  “It’s okay,” he says dismissively. “But I’m not happy that he could just waltz in here.”

  “I heard a knock. I thought you had forgotten your key so I opened the door without checking who it was. Someone must have let h
im into the building.”

  He nods in understanding. “Rae, this probably isn’t the best time to bring it up but I’ve been looking for the perfect time for weeks. If I had just asked you earlier, maybe this could have been avoided.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  He moves nearer to me and pulls me into his arms. “Move in with me.”

  I want to scream ‘yes’ but common sense kicks in. Moving in with him would mean going deeper than I already have. It would mean giving up the self-sufficiency I’ve fought so hard over the past three years to attain. I know that I’ve given some of it up these months we’ve been together but this would probably seal my fate. If I say yes, there’ll be no turning back. I have to maintain some form of independence. He knows the exact moment when I decide what my answer would be. His expression turns grim.

  I pull out of his arms. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

  “Tell me why.” He doesn’t sound happy.

  “I like being alone.”

  He gives me a look. “But you prefer being with me.” We both know he’s saying nothing but the truth.

  The thing about Cole is that he always sees beneath the surface. My façade has never fooled him. Sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself.

  “I don’t want to live with anyone.”

  “I’m not ‘anyone’, Rae.”

  “Cole, I can’t. Jaden was the last person I thought would cheat,” I say glumly. “I had no idea he was capable of it.”

  “Rae, what’s going on? Are you still sad about it?”

  “No, I’m over it. But seeing him today reminded me that people will eventually let you down.”

  A dark look passes Cole’s face. “What exactly does that mean?”

  “Just that you can’t really know anyone.”

  “So you think people can’t be faithful?” he asks carefully.

  “Who knows what anyone can do?”

  “Rae, I can’t believe you’re saying this. That asshole cheats on you and then suddenly the rest of humanity can’t be trusted.”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “Then what are you saying?” He sounds annoyed and frustrated.

  “Nothing. You know what? Forget I said anything.”

  “No, I’m not going to do that.” He takes a deep breath. Looking squarely at me, he asks, “Do you trust me?”

  Yes.

  But I’m scared.

  I’m so scared of what it means.

  The demise of my marriage made me stronger but if my relationship with Cole ends, I have a strong feeling that it would destroy me.

  I would never recover.

  “I’m not answering that question, and you have no right to ask me that,” I say stubbornly, my heart pounding so hard.

  He scowls at me, anger evident in his eyes. “I have no right?” he asks. “If I had asked you yesterday, you’d have said yes. Now you see him and I suddenly don’t have a right to ask my girlfriend how she feels about me.”

  I stay silent, not quite meeting his eyes.

  “Okay, Rae. I’ll give you what you want. I’m done trying to convince you. If you want your ex to keep influencing your future and keep you living in fear, then go right ahead.”

  Cole walks out the door.

  He doesn’t glance back.

  It takes me a while to realize that I’m still staring at the door and he’s not coming back.

  FOURTEEN

  Rae

  Cole hasn’t been back to my apartment since he stormed out two days ago, and he hasn’t called or sent me a text. Yesterday, I gathered up courage and called him but I probably shouldn’t have bothered because the person at the other end of the line was a stranger and not the man I’m in love with. He sounded so cold on the phone, not like the boyfriend I know. It seems I have to do something drastic to get him to forgive me. God knows I’m not above groveling to get us back to normal. I regret the things I said to him, and I intend to make my apology a good one. Cole was right. It’s time I stop letting what happened with Jaden influence me. I didn’t realize that I had given up my power. I thought I was being a strong, independent woman. But I wasn’t. I was being an emotional coward, and it’s taken me too long to realize it. If not for Cole, I probably would have gone on like this forever.

  I glance at my phone. It’s eight-thirty p.m. I’m not going to call him. I don’t want to give him the opportunity to refuse to talk to me. I have to see him. Maybe that’s the only way to fix this. I’ll have to hope that he’s at home. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before – put myself out there.

  I’ve spent two nights without him already, and I don’t want to spend a third. I need to fix this. I miss him too damn much.

  I pull off my clothes, rifle through my wardrobe and pick out a black and gold lace teddy with a plunge neckline. This should at least get me a few minutes to talk to him. Yes, I’m planning to seduce him. And, of course, talk to him. I dress up, and put on a pair of black heels. The final item of clothing is a long coat, which I belt at the waist. I call for a taxi while I put on minimal makeup, and apply perfume on my skin. When the car arrives, I make my way downstairs. It’s cold outside so I hurry into the waiting car.

  A feeling of nervousness washes over me as the car stops in front of his house. I give the driver some cash and slide out of the car. Although I have my key with me, I ring the doorbell, and seconds later, he opens the front door. He doesn’t look surprised to see me. I guess it’s because he already knew it was me from his security camera. He also doesn’t look happy to see me. No welcoming smile . . . just nothing. He looks expressionless. If it wasn’t obvious before that he’s upset with me, he’s making it obvious now. He’s wearing a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt, and he’s barefoot. I don’t let my nervousness and fear of rejection show.

  “Rae. This is a surprise.”

  “I wanted to see you,” I respond. “May I come in?” He steps aside to let me in. His house is thankfully warm.

  “What do you need?”

  You. “Can we talk in the living room?” I ask instead.

  “Sure.” As soon as we enter into his living room, he gets right to it.

  “What’s this about?” He must truly not want me here.

  “You could offer me a drink,” I say, stalling.

  “It’s late, Rae. And I have an early morning meeting.” Now, I’m really worried. What if he doesn’t want me anymore? There’s only one way to find out, and I’d rather know than live with regret.

  His beautiful gray eyes are looking at me, waiting for me to say whatever I’ve come to say. I hate how cold he’s being. I’m not used to seeing him like this. I’ll put all my cards on the table, and I’m not going to leave here until I get him to forgive me.

  “I’ve missed you.” Something unidentifiable flickers in his eyes. I probably wouldn’t have seen it if I had blinked. He shows no outward reaction to my words. “I’m sorry about the way I acted. Can you please forgive me so that we can go back to normal?”

  “What do you consider normal? Me persistently trying to prove to you that I’m not like your ex-husband? I thought that I’d first have to deliberately do something wrong to be considered untrustworthy,” he says evenly.

  Cole is angrier than I thought. “I’m sorry. It wasn’t you. This is all me.”

  He nods. “I know that.” He says it so casually. “You’re not emotionally ready for a relationship.” Harsh, but I can’t say I didn’t deserve that.

  I suck in a breath. “Cole –”

  “It’s true. I respect that you don’t see a future with me, but I don’t appreciate being treated like I’m unreliable or dishonest.”

  I push down the fear. Taking a step closer to him, I say, “That’s not what I was doing, and of course I see a future with you. If I hurt you, it’s not because I wanted to. I was trying to avoid us getting hurt.”

  “No, Rae. You were avoiding taking our relationship to the next level by hiding behind what th
at sorry excuse for a man did to you.”

  “That’s not entirely true.” I agree that what happened with Jaden affected me, but it’s more than just that. I don’t think I’d survive losing Cole. Every single hurtful thing I’ve been through in my life will feel like a walk in the park compared to what I’d go through if he breaks my heart.

  “Yeah. Okay.”

  God. He sounds like he couldn’t care less. “Please stop being so cold, Cole. I can’t bear it,” I say, hurt. I also hear a slight pleading note in my voice.

  “What the hell do you want from me?” he demands.

  “You. Always. I just want you.” Emotion flares in his eyes but he quickly masks it. We stand there staring at each other, not saying a word. I don’t know what else to say, and I’m hoping he lets go of his anger.

  “I can’t do this right now. It’s getting late.” Does he want me to leave? It’s time to go big.

  “I don’t want to leave tonight. I don’t want to ever leave,” I say. My heart is beating so fast. I’m not sure I can handle any more rejection from him. Knowing me, by now, I’d probably be out the door with my heart safely walled up. But not tonight, and never again. I start untying my belt. “I’ve missed you and I want to be with you. I’m not sure I can live without you.” My coat falls open to reveal a bit of what I’m wearing underneath.

  Cole is staring at my body. I’m hoping he wants to see what I have on because he’s about to find out. I push the coat from my shoulders and let it fall to the floor. I hear him suck in a breath as he takes in my revealing black and gold lace teddy. I slowly pull the clips out of my hair, and let the thick black tresses fall to my shoulders. His gray eyes are dark with heat as he refocuses on my face.

  “Rae . . .”

  He doesn’t look and sound unaffected any more.

  “I’ve really missed you,” I say honestly.

  “Rae, this isn’t what I want,” he tells me.

  “You don’t want me?”

  He shakes his head. “That’s not what I said.”

  “I don’t want just sex too. I want to be with you. I’ve always wanted you. I was just scared of letting myself feel,” I confess, my voice soft. “You know how I feel about you.” Even though I’ve never said the words to him, I have no doubt that he knows I’m in love with him. It’s not something I’m able to hide. It’s obvious in everything I do and in everything we do together.