“I wasn’t just mouthing words. I’m not going to wait for Nealy to call me. I’m going to call Sinjin myself. Well, that’s not true. I’m going to call Sumi to call him. She’s the one who introduced me to him and became good friends with his wife Maline. Sumi does volunteer work at the hospital three days a week. That’s how we met him. Do I know if he can help her? No, I don’t know that. It’s worth a try, isn’t it?”
“Anything is worth a try if she’s willing to go along with it. I’m thinking in terms of years, Cole. Skin grafts. Surgeries. Healing time. We’re looking at years. If what you say is true, let’s get this show on the road.”
“And just where do you think you’re going?” a belligerent nurse asked. “Did you just come out of Ms. Clay’s room?”
“Who? Us? Who is Ms. Clay? We’re lost,” Cole said, stepping into the elevator.
Nealy spent the rest of the afternoon agonizing. While she had spoken to her children and Hatch on the phone these past months, she had held firm to the no-visitor rule. Now it was time for a visit. She clenched her teeth at the thought. She knew there was no way to predict their reaction other than to say they would be horrified. Hatch. She couldn’t even begin to comprehend how he would look or what he would say. In the end, it wouldn’t matter. What mattered was what she had to say and how she said it.
She closed her eyes and hoped that Hunt would enter her dreams and tell her what to do. It didn’t happen because she couldn’t fall asleep. When the burn specialist and a well-known plastic surgeon checked on her a few hours later she was staring at the card Cole Tanner had left for her.
They talked around her the way all consulting doctors do as they poked and probed and stared at her scars through thick magnifying glasses hooked around their heads. How blank and stoic their faces were.
Nealy waited until they finished making their notes on her chart before she asked, “Do either of you know a Dr. Sinjin Vinh?”
“No,” the burn specialist said quietly.
“I don’t know him personally, but I’ve heard of him,” the plastic surgeon said. “The best in the field. Why do you ask, Nealy?”
“Do you think he could help me?”
“I don’t know, Nealy. I’ve heard he is so much in demand he only picks and chooses the worst cases. The hopeless ones, I’m told. I don’t consider you hopeless. I’m told he is scheduled years in advance. If there is a way to schedule a consultation, I’d be all for it.”
Nealy handed the doctor Cole’s card. “Send all my medical records to him along with all those pictures you’ve taken of me to my . . . my nephew. He’ll know what to do. When will I be able to travel, and when can I go home?”
“Nealy,” the doctor said gently, “we told you that you could go home two weeks ago. You refused. You said you weren’t ready, and since you donated so handsomely to this burn unit, we had no other recourse but to let you stay.” The chuckle in his voice did not go unnoticed by Nealy.
“How long before I’m able to travel? In an airplane? Or on a ship?”
The two doctors looked at one another. The plastic surgeon spoke. “At least another month. I’d recommend a ship as opposed to an airplane flight.”
“Thank you. I’m going to go to sleep now. I’m having visitors this evening. I’ll go home tomorrow.”
“In that case I’ll get started on your paperwork. I assume you want your records sent by overnight mail,” the burn specialist said.
“That would be helpful. Thank you.”
The two doctors walked down the hallway. “She’s too brittle. Too in control. She sees a ray of hope, and that’s what she’s holding on to. I’d feel a lot better if she had shrieked and wigged out when she looked in the mirror.” The plastic surgeon nodded in agreement.
“I wish she had okayed the counseling we wanted to put in place. She’s a very strong, stubborn woman. What amazes me the most is she never cried, she never complained. Not once. What’s even more amazing is that she held firm to her no-visitor rule. I try not to get involved, but it’s damn near impossible with a case like this,” the burn specialist said. “I better get started on her paperwork. I’m assuming you’re going to want to add your input. The last pickup for overnight mail is seven o’clock. You better hit the computer.”
The plastic surgeon nodded as he headed for the doctors’ lounge for a cup of coffee. “I’ll have it to you by seven.”
“Good.”
In her room, Nealy picked up the phone and called the house. “Smitty, it’s Nealy. If you all want to come to the hospital tonight, come along. I’ll be coming home tomorrow. Will you tell the housekeeper to get my room ready. Smitty . . . I have to . . . tell you something. First things first. Don’t let Emmie bring Gabby to the hospital. I don’t want her to get frightened, and she will if she sees the way I look. It’s bad, Smitty. Really bad. Today was the first . . . they . . . they . . . what they did was . . . they gave me a mirror. I wanted to die right there. All I could think about was how I could kill myself. I’m going to be scarred for the rest of my life. They talk a lot about skin grafts, plastic surgeries. Years of operations, Smitty. Years. I don’t think I can do that. My worst nightmare now is letting Hatch see me. I was wondering if you would . . .”
“No, Nealy. I am not going to say a word to that man. You aren’t going to recognize him. I think he’s lost fifty pounds. He’s drawn and haggard. He doesn’t eat or sleep. He lives for those five-minute phone calls you make to him. I know what you’re thinking, and I know what you plan on doing. I know you better than you know yourself. He loves you. It isn’t going to make a difference. It didn’t make a difference with Metaxas and Ruby. What makes you think it will be any different with Hatch?”
“It’s my face, Smitty. My face is pulled to the side, my eye droops. My jaw is slack. I look crooked. The scar tissue is welted and ugly. I have bald patches on my head where my hair hasn’t grown back in. What I’m trying to tell you is, I’m past ugly. Now do you understand? I don’t care about the rest of the scars down my arms and side. I can always cover them up. It’s my face for God’s sake.” Nealy sobbed. “It’s my face, Smitty.”
“Hang up, Nealy. I’m coming to the hospital right now. Don’t even think about telling me no. I told you to hang up, Nealy.”
“Okay, Smitty. I’ll hang up now.”
Nealy replaced the phone on the night table. All she had to do was wait for Smitty. Smitty was so much like Ruby. They both always said the right thing at the right time. The only problem was this time there were no right words, no perfect timing. She could feel her insides start to shrivel. Don’t think about Hatch. Hatch is lost to you. Forever lost the way Hunt is lost to you. Think about Rhy and Pyne. Think about Riley and Cole and all the others who came to rebuild the farm. Did she thank them? She couldn’t remember. She had so many people to thank for taking care of her horses and rebuilding her barns. The first thing she was going to do when she got home was to call each and every person to thank them personally.
She stared out the window. The day was almost over, the last of the afternoon sunshine fading to shadows. Her thoughts turned back to Hatch. How noble and gallant would he be? Would he be able to hide his revulsion? Probably. He was, after all, a lawyer, and lawyers were experts at not showing emotion. She closed her eyes and thought about Hunt and their life together.
Nealy’s eyes snapped open when she heard loud voices in the hall, one of which was Smitty’s. “I’m telling you, Miss Nurse, she asked me to come here. Go ahead, ask her yourself. I’ll just wait out here while you’re doing that,” Smitty bristled.
“Yes, I did ask her to come. It’s all right to let her in,” Nealy said when the nurse poked her head in the doorway.
To her credit, Smitty didn’t flinch. Her eyes did fill, though. A moment later she wrapped Nealy in her arms. “My God, girl, how much do you weigh? Seventy-five pounds would be my guess.”
“Smitty . . .”
“Yeah, Nealy.”
“Your best g
uess. What will Hatch do?”
“He’ll probably want to blubber like I do, but he won’t. He’ll wish it was him instead of you. He loves you, Nealy. You need to give him a chance. How do you want to do this? I’m not going to be coming back this evening because I will have to watch Gabby. Do you want Hatch to come alone and be first or do you want him to come last? Emmie, Metaxas, and Ruby can come together. I say let Hatch come last after they leave. You two will need some private time, and since you’re in a private room, he can stay as long as you want him to stay.”
“Okay, last. Take a good look, Smitty, and tell me what you think.”
“It’s pretty bad, Nealy. I understand how you feel. We don’t love people because of the way they look. Well, maybe some people do, but not our kind of people. I’m sure surgery can take away some of the scarring. They have this medical makeup for burn and scar patients that is supposed to be pretty good. You have good doctors. They’ll do what’s best for you. Whatever is left over you’ll have to suck up. It’s called life, Nealy. You play the cards you’re dealt.”
“It’s so strange, Smitty. Earlier I was thinking about how my life parallels Maud’s in so many ways. The last years of her life she was in constant pain. She drank much too much but it was the only thing that helped ease that terrible pain she lived with. Jess was such a wonderful man. He doted on her. Waited on her hand and foot. When she died, he wanted to die with her. She always said he was her white knight. I don’t see Hatch doing that for me. I just don’t.”
“Well, I think you’re wrong.”
Nealy told her about the doctor in Thailand. “I’m going to look into it. If he can help me, I’ll do it. There. Here. I don’t care. Otherwise, Smitty, I don’t want to live like this.”
“That’s pretty goddamn selfish, Nealy,” Smitty blustered. “You were never one to think about yourself. Hell, most of the time you looked like shit. Did you care? No, you did not. Jeans, shirt, boots, no makeup, a haircut that looked like it was done with a lawn mower. That was you. All of a sudden you care? Hellooooo!”
“Shut up, Smitty! I’m sorry I let you come here.”
“I’m sorry I came, too. So there, Nealy Clay.”
“Oh, Smitty, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.”
“I know you didn’t. I didn’t either,” Smitty said as she gathered a sobbing Nealy into her arms. “It’s not the end of the world, Nealy. You’re alive. The horses miss you, especially Flyby. No one can do anything with him. Shufly is pretty cranky, too. All the noise, the barn building, all the people, and then your absence. Life is going to go on, Nealy. Choose to be a part of it. For all of us.”
“You’ve been such a good friend to me all these years, Smitty.”
“And you’ve been a good friend to me. You need to call Nick. He had to get back to work and said to call him when you were ready for visitors.”
“I will, Smitty. I promise.”
“I have to get back to the farm. Nealy, it looks wonderful. You’d never know anything happened. All the burned grass was taken up and sod put down. The barns sparkle. It just looks wonderful. Make it a happy homecoming, kiddo.”
“Thanks for coming, Smitty. Give Gabby a hug for me.”
“I will not. You can do that yourself when you get home tomorrow.”
“I’ll scare her out of her wits. She’s just a baby.”
“It’ll never happen,” Smitty said over her shoulder.
She didn’t cry until she was in her car. She had to warn them. Especially Hatch.
Nealy sat up in bed, the lamp turned low at her side. She made no move to hide her face when Emmie and the others walked into the room. “It’s okay to cry,” she said. “I’d join you, but I’m all cried out. Just do me a favor and don’t try to cheer me up. Don’t tell me I’m alive, and it doesn’t matter. It does matter. Now, come here, all of you and give me a big hug. I missed you. Talk to me about the farm, about the horses and the front porch.”
They babbled. They even found themselves laughing. “I’m getting kind of tired now,” Nealy said an hour later. “I still have to visit with Hatch. I’ll be home tomorrow, and we can talk more then. I’m looking forward to sitting on the front porch.”
They hugged her, their eyes wet, their bodies trembling. And then they left quietly because it was what she wanted.
Nealy steeled herself for what was coming next. She wished she had the courage to turn off the lamp. Fool, her mind shrieked. Just do it and get it over with. The knock, while soft, sounded like thunder to Nealy’s ears. She struggled to take a deep breath. “Come in,” she called.
He stared at her from the foot of the bed.
“You need to say something, Hatch,” Nealy said.
“I know, but I don’t know the words. I think you’re expecting me to say one thing while I want to say something else. I’m trying to find the words. I guess you being a woman, you want to know if you look ugly. I really don’t know what ugly is, Nealy. To me, everyone is beautiful. I know what an ugly heart is. I know what an ugly attitude is, but I don’t look at someone and think they’re ugly or they’re this or they’re that. I’m probably not saying this right. I think I’m trying to tell you it doesn’t matter.”
“It matters, Hatch. I can’t . . . I won’t . . . I’m not me anymore. I don’t know if I can ever be me again. Maybe I can try. I want to try. I don’t want you to be noble and feel like you have to marry me. We had our time in the sun. I will always be grateful for that time, for your love, for all you did for my children. Make no mistake, I love you with all my heart, but I will not saddle you with me in this condition no matter what you say or how you say it.”
“Nealy . . .”
“No, Hatch. If you love me, you’ll let me go.”
“How can I do that? You became a part of my life. We said we were going to grow old together. We promised to love each other forever and ever. I can’t let that go. Don’t ask me to do that, Nealy. Please don’t.”
“You have to, Hatch. I have nothing left to give you. I’m drained, physically and mentally. I have long years of operations ahead of me. Long years of pain and anger. I can’t foist that on you. I won’t do that to you. Now, what I want you to do is turn around and leave. I want you to . . . I want you to go back to Santa Fe. I don’t want you to wait for me. I want you to . . . to . . . do . . . whatever you have to do to . . . to get past this. I don’t want to cry because tears are salty. It’s not good for me. Just say good-bye and . . . leave. No, no, no, don’t come any closer. Please, Hatch, don’t make this harder on me. Please go. Go! If you don’t go, I’ll . . . I’ll call the nurse. Just tell me good-bye.”
“No. I don’t like good-byes.”
“Damn you, say good-bye.”
“No!” Hatch roared as he yanked open the door.
“I hate you,” Nealy roared in return.
“Well, I love you, Nealy Clay,” Hatch said, storming out of the room.
“Liar! No one could love me looking like this.”
When there was no response to her outburst, Nealy buried her head in the pillow and wept.
17
Nealy could feel her insides start to shake as she made her way down the steps. She wished she hadn’t agreed to the family visit. Somehow or other, Smitty, Ruby, and Emmie had convinced her to agree to a family meeting. Fanny Thornton representing the Thornton family, and Maggie Coleman Tanaka, representing the Colemans, were coming to visit. Her brothers were coming, too.
She wished there was someplace where she could hide so no one would ever find her. Such a silly thought. She looked around at the leaves on the trees that were slowly starting to turn. A new season would appear shortly, and then it would get cold. She wasn’t looking forward to winter any more than she looked forward to anything else these days.
Would they stare at her? Of course they would. She would just have to grit her teeth, straighten her shoulders, and hope for the best.
She sat down on the top step and wrapped her arms around her kn
ees. The sun was just about to creep over the horizon. Another new day. She waited.
Rhy and Pyne were the first to arrive. She bolted from the steps to throw herself into their arms the moment they got out of the car. She could feel them both trembling. This is harder on them than it is on me, she thought. “Don’t be afraid to look at me,” she whispered.
“Nealy, Nealy why wouldn’t you let us come sooner? You preach all this stuff about family and then when it’s time for family stuff you run away and hide. We started out twice to come here and both times we turned around and went back home because we knew you didn’t want us here. We respected your wishes. We only wanted to help.”
“I wasn’t ready, Rhy. I’m not ready now, either. But I knew it wasn’t fair to you and I know you want to help. Unfortunately, there’s nothing anyone can do. I no longer believe in miracles. Come up on the porch. I like having coffee out here early in the morning.”
“Coffee sounds good, Nealy,” Pyne said, linking his arm with hers.
Nealy turned around suddenly, and said, “Take a good look. What do you think?”
They didn’t gasp, they didn’t shrink from her, and they didn’t say anything. Their eyes did fill up, though. They reached for her and hugged her tight.
“Sit down, and I’ll have Matilda bring us some coffee. Would you like some sweet rolls or maybe some toast?”
“Coffee’s fine, Nealy,” Rhy said.
The minute the screen door closed behind Nealy, Pyne was off his chair, his closed fist smashing into one of the white columns on the porch. His back arched and his head jolted backward with the pain ricocheting up his arm.
“We should have come sooner even though she said she didn’t want us here. Who was here for her besides Emmie?” Rhy asked.
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