The moon was out and I watched him as he rushed toward the wharf. My legs were locked in place until he disappeared. He hadn’t loved me. If he had, wouldn’t he have told me? If I hadn’t stopped us now, then I’d have neither love in my life nor my work. Marriage would be impossible.
When I had finally lost sight of him, I pressed my hand on the wall of the building like that might give me enough strength. But breaking up with Ryder left a hole in my soul. I wasn’t sure I’d ever recover.
Chapter 16
Ryder
The crescent moon was bright over the water. And the gentle waves under my yacht normally lulled me to sleep when I was upset, or angry, or drank too much and needed to crash.
Tonight, though, the gentle rocking did nothing for me. I’d spent hours on my workout, and then tried to rest. But every time I closed my eyes, I saw Nicole’s face staring at me.
It was like she haunted me.
I kept the lights off, but staring at the stars tonight wasn’t making me peaceful.
Nicole had never cared about me. I should have realized that from the start. We were a contract deal and nothing more. And I was the one who couldn’t hold up my end.
It was my fault she’d ended the engagement.
Footsteps echoed above me and I jumped out of my berth. I tugged on my pajama bottoms and my heart ached for Nicole.
I squashed that idea right away. She didn’t even know I had a boat in port. But I rushed out of my quarters and onto the deck. My sister in her high heels and my brother, still in his blue, royal vest with the embroidery over his heart, stood waiting for me. Emily placed her hand on her hip and asked, “Ryder, what are you doing on your yacht?”
I shook my head. My sister and brother and I hadn’t been close in years. I massaged the back of my neck and wondered how to get them to go away. I said, “Emily … I wasn’t expecting company.”
She looked at my bare chest and her nose wiggled like she was disgusted by my muscles. To humor her, I reached into my quarters and grabbed a t-shirt as she said, “Clearly. Harry’s here and he has something he wants to say.”
I tugged the shirt over my head and once I was covered, so as not to offend Emily, I glanced at my brother and asked, “What’s that?”
Harry had his hands folded in front of him, like he was a little boy and Mom was going to punish him for taking an extra dessert. He said, “I was rude to you and your bride, and I’m sorry.”
Emily crossed her arms and I understood. She’d taken Mom’s place today. She said, “Tell him why, Harry.”
Harry’s face went bright red. I don’t remember him ever being embarrassed about anything, but he asked, “Do you remember Kaitlyn Munroe?”
My mind raced. Kaitlyn … no … Kate was a common enough name, but no face came to mind. I didn’t blink, but I said, “No.”
His shoulders dropped. Had he been in love? Did I screw up his life? He avoided eye contact as he said, “When Mom died, I was after Kaitlyn. But she said Mom preferred you over me because you were the handsome one.”
Whoever she was, she must have been important to Harry. I shrugged and said, “Sorry. I don’t know who she is.”
He gritted his teeth like this was the hardest moment of his life—when, as a soldier, he commanded men in his unit without blinking. “I was jealous … that Mom took more of an interest in your life. But I want you to be happy in your wedding tomorrow. Sorry I was an ass.”
Words I’d never heard him say in all the years I’d known him. I let out a long sigh. I wasn’t sure this mattered now, but I nodded and said, “You’ve been father’s favorite since we were born, Harry.”
His lips thinned and his head went up like I’d offended him. “I’m not. I’m the heir. Emily’s the favorite.”
She rolled her eyes and stood between us, but then she pivoted toward me and tilted her head. “This is silly. So why are you on the boat tonight? Is Nicole this old-fashioned?”
I turned away. None of this mattered. I’d lost the only person who mattered. I pushed on my forehead between my eyes and told them the truth. “Father refused to negotiate with Nicole’s lawyers. Once again, he doesn’t care about me or what I want.”
Harry widened his stance. “Do you want me to speak to him, Ryder?”
Nicole’s family had been there for her, but until this moment, neither of my siblings had asked what they could do for me. I met Emily’s blue-eyed gaze, unsure, as she said, “You know how he is. Stubborn to the core.”
My shoulders dropped a little.
“I will work on this, as a way to make it up to you and Nicole,” Harry said.
My heart raced and adrenaline pumped in my veins. But I held my head up and held my ground for incoming fire when I said, “Don’t bother. There is no wedding.”
Emily’s face went white. It was a reaction I wasn’t prepared for. My shoulders dropped. Emily said quickly, “Go, Harry. Fix things with Father. I’ll stay here with Ryder.”
My brother gave her a curt nod and the yacht wobbled as he jumped off. I didn’t waver, but my sister held on to a rail until we stabilized. I let out a long sigh and said, “I don’t need a babysitter, Emily.”
She motioned toward the cabin and I realized that her arms had goosebumps. I waved her in and, as she crossed, into the main room she asked, “What happened with Nicole?”
She sat on the bench and patted the seat beside her. I joined her and tapped my fingers on my knees. “She sees her blog as part of who she is.”
Emily took my hand like Mom used to and said, “It’s been her life since she was a girl.”
When had my sister turned so sweet? I swallowed and said, “I never wanted her to give it up. Father had other opinions.”
Emily hugged me. A slight pain pulsed through me, like I’d missed my sister for too long. And Nicole, too. I wished she was here. I swallowed. Emily resettled in her seat, smoothed her pants like they had a wrinkle, and said, “I thought you wanted out of our family and that’s why you married the stripper. I was so happy that Gio stopped you, and that you brought Nicole home. I thought you were both in love.”
There was a huge, hollow cave in my heart. I’d had this feeling of emptiness ever since the day my mom didn’t come home from a speech. I glanced at the porthole and said, “I don’t know what love is.”
I turned away and faced toward the empty room. “It’s not like our family are experts at that.”
She bumped into my shoulder. “You and Mom were close.”
True. Mom was the best to me. “She watched out for me as no one else did.”
Emily let out a small sigh and folded her hands in front of her. “We’re the only people who ever challenge Dad’s word. I mean, normally, people just go along and follow whatever he says without question.”
Yet, Father was charmed by Emily when she laughed at his rules, while he derided me for everything I did wrong, down to how I’d tied my shoes as a boy. I let my head rest against the wall and said, “Doesn’t matter. I’m not meant for love.”
Emily turned toward me and crossed her legs as she asked, “Seriously, what happened with Nicole?”
I glanced down my nose at her. Emily had grown up these past two years, while I’d been avoiding home. My pulse was calmer now, and I told her the truth. “She won’t marry me without father’s approval.”
She squeezed my palm. “Wow. I thought she was in love with you.”
Love. That word again. My head pounded like I’d missed an answer, but I sucked in my breath and wished Nicole was here as I said, “We … never discussed our feelings.”
Emily’s phone rang. She reached for it, but she said, “So you’re the idiot here. If you love her, then you need to tell her.”
Probably true. Nicole had gotten under my skin, and losing her opened a gaping wound and uncovered the hole in my heart. I stood and paced as I said, “Go, Emily.”
She jumped up and stood in my way. “I’m the annoying sister who doesn’t budge. Do you love her?”
“Maybe,” I said quickly. If love meant there was a space in my heart where the only person who could fill it was Nicole, then, yeah.
The thought almost evaporated out of my skin like water, but for the first time in hours calmness also fell over me, like I had a mission.
Emily tapped her foot and it echoed on the metal floor as she said, “That’s the wrong answer. No wonder she left.”
I crossed my arms, as this wasn’t the time to argue. I needed to be sure, though. I said, “I’ve avoided feelings since Mom died.”
She waved her hand in the air like she needed space. “I hope I’m never like you.”
Huh? I tilted my head and asked, “What did I do?”
She crossed her arms and widened her stance. “You treated Nicole like she was the only one you cared about. I think that scared Father, and that’s why he came up with a list of demands.”
My mind whirled with what she said. My father, for once, wasn’t my priority. But I said, “I don’t follow.”
My sister said, “In his soul, our father is afraid of losing us. He knows we’ve not been close since Mom died. He saw how happy you and Nicole were … she seemed to make you happier than I’ve seen you in years. And Father still wants us in his life, despite his hard-headedness.
“I know he’s trying to protect us, but that picture Nicole and I took … I voluntarily took it with her. She didn’t surprise me.”
My head was stuck on how happy I’d been with Nicole. Having her next to me at a formal dinner had been sweet. She made the most boring events interesting, but my lips thinned. “I’m never happy.”
She threw her hands in the air. “You were, though. With Nicole.”
If I was in love like I thought, then I needed a plan. However, my sister didn’t need to know how I felt. So I said, “Maybe I was calmer with Nicole around, but that doesn’t mean anything.”
She rolled her eyes at me like she was sixteen and had just been told she needed to attend Father’s cotillion in the rose gardens instead of her school dance. Then she said, “Or it means you found your other half.”
I needed to lay my cards on the table and tell Nicole, then, and not my sister. No one else needed to hear it until I was sure. I said, “That’s a fairy tale.”
She rubbed her temples like I’d infuriated her, just as I had when I tossed her favorite doll out the turret window when we were little. “Is telling yourself that making you feel better?”
I walked her to the door and said, “Let me go to sleep. It’s late, Emily.”
Sleep wasn’t on my plate, but I couldn’t wake Nicole in the middle of the night without a plan, either.
Emily went with me, but said, “I’ll be back in the morning with Harry, and hopefully, we’ll have good news. Though you really should just go and tell her how you feel.”
She’d read my mind, but I just helped her off the ship and said, “Goodbye.”
She jumped to the dock, then turned back. “You’re only sending me away because I’m right.”
I waved and waited for her to leave my dock. Then, I decided the first thing I needed to do was shower. If I was going to make a fool of myself, and on the off chance she said yes, she’d not want to kiss me until I was cleaned up from my evening workout and then roaming around the ship. At least no flights to America happened till the morning, and I only needed ten minutes. If she didn’t love me, then I’d have to accept that. So perhaps the shower was to wash away that thought, too.
Chapter 17
Nicole
The crescent moon and my evening yoga and meditation hadn’t cleared my thoughts. Not entirely. I sat at my computer, where I usually poured my heart out to people I had never met in my life, but no words came out. My fingers just sat on the keyboard. I couldn’t press a button to make words that made sense.
So I closed the screen, and closed my eyes to wish that, somehow, I could relax.
However, my mind’s eye kept conjuring the image of Ryder and how he’d walked away.
I’d created that scene, and the pain was mine to bear as my reality took shape out of my crazy thoughts.
I had pushed the best man I’d ever met in my life out the door … because of my laptop and the years I’d spent taking solace in the crowd.
A knock at the door jolted me out of my skin and I jumped up, wishing Ryder was here. When I opened it, however, my sister’s floral perfume hit me and popped that thought balloon. I waved Stephanie in and she said, “You’re still unresponsive and sulking, Sis.”
I popped my head out. Olivia wasn’t there, so I closed the door and said, “I’m not sulking.”
She stepped over my blue yoga mat and sat on the couch as she said, “Right, so you can talk about what happened with you and Ryder?”
I crouched down and rolled up the mat as I said, “What can I say?”
She crossed her legs. “How about why you called off your wedding?”
I took my mat and tucked it back in my bag. I avoided looking at my sister as I fastened it, and said, “I … the king wants control over my blog.”
She let out a small laugh. “Let me get this straight. You said ‘no’ to the love of your life because you love blogging your every thought?”
I stood up and met her gaze. Ryder was the best man I’d ever met on the planet. I’d had countless offers from men through the years, but he was the only one that made my knees melt like that. He didn’t love me, though. I was just a convenient way for him to gain his independence. I ignored the goosebumps on my arms and took the seat beside her.
“I … that sounds really bad.”
She pivoted toward me and her eyes were full of doubt as she asked, “And you enjoy taking pictures of your life from sunup till sundown?”
I massaged the back of my head. “I get paid well.”
She shook her head like she knew I wasn’t answering her fully. “But you’ve been lackluster lately, and just trying to ignore your need for a change. You’ve talked about writing a book, but you haven’t done anything about it. And I’ve never seen you happy like you are with Ryder.”
Maybe that was true, but Stephanie hadn’t seen me in almost a year. I ignored how my hair stood on end and asked, “How do you know that?”
She gently elbowed me. “We’re sisters. I know you.”
I let out a small sigh and then a question that had been swimming in my thoughts for hours now came out. “How do you know you’re in love?”
Stephanie shrugged. “I don’t know. I know what falling for the wrong guy is like.”
I pressed my lips together. She’d been in pain, but she came to support my wedding because she was my sister. I glanced down at my hands and hoped I hadn’t upset her. I asked, “How’s that?”
She shrugged and said, “I was always making excuses for why things didn’t go according to plan, and always pretending things were fine—but I knew in my gut I was full of shit.”
My eyes widened. Stephanie never swore. I asked, “Yeah?”
She played with her bracelet, the one our grandmother had given her, and said, “So, when I’m ready to get out there again, I have to honor myself first. But you … you and Ryder were different.”
I snapped my fingers in the air like she’d just proved that what I’d done to Ryder was right, and I hadn’t stabbed him in the gut. “Right. And my blog is part of me and honoring myself.”
She tilted her head and stared at me like I was a fool. “No … it’s not. Nicole, you are far more than a blog post. You’re a wonderful woman and the best roommate I ever had. And with Ryder, you seemed to blossom into someone who was happy.”
Maybe, but I’d never been good with rules. My stomach twisted, like she saw straight through my bull, and I needed to head her off. I said, “We had no choice on that. But the ‘dreams come true’ sign that used to hang in our bedroom was perfect.”
Rather than take my “let’s change the topic” bait, she patted my back. “Other than Ryder’s father wanting to contr
ol your blog, what’s wrong with Ryder?”
My heart did a little flutter. “Nothing. If I’m honest, we misunderstood each other at first, but upon getting to see the real him … He’s pretty awesome. And my toes curled when he kissed me.”
She let out a small sigh and said, “Mine never did with Edward.”
Now I was glad I’d never met the guy, because then I’d be able picture the face of the jerk who had hurt my sister. My fingers clenched like I might do something violent, and I said, “I remember that Edward hated being called Eddie or Ed. It should have been a warning sign when he went off on Olivia for shortening his name.”
Stephanie shrugged, but her face was red. “I … was stupid. I thought he’d be my Mr. Darcy, but it turns out he was my Mr. Wickham instead.”
Once again, Jane Austen was her life. I had read Pride and Prejudice just to understand Stephanie. So I asked under my breath, “He cheated on you?”
She covered her face but nodded. “With my flatmate.”
A zap rushed through me that made me want to run the guy over with my car. I’d never actually do it, of course, but the anger inside burned like hot embers. I shook my head. “You didn’t tell me that on the phone.”
She lowered her hand with a sigh. “I was embarrassed. I don’t know your Ryder well, but he seemed to be absolutely in love with you.”
Seemed to be, yeah. But he hadn’t ever told me he cared. Our deal was just to find an escape. “He’s sweet. And wonderful. And he made everything better when he was around.”
Her voice was low as she asked, “And your blog is more wonderful?”
Pins and needles grew on my arms and legs. Damn. Now that was direct hit.
I’d made the deal because I wanted to stop blogging so much. And Ryder’s arms holding me were the best moments I’d ever experienced.
Love was something to hold onto, and as I blinked at Stephanie, I realized the truth. Ryder was the best man I’d ever met, and would ever meet, because I was in love with him. And I’d never told him.
Love was all that mattered in life and I’d tossed it away. I’d lost sight of my rule to be honest with myself and him. I was waiting for him to say it, but what if he needed to hear it from me first? Adrenaline rushed through me now and told me to act fast. I grabbed my phone, and my hand shook as I typed to my lawyer: Frank, sign the contract.
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