Finding Perfect

by Susan Mallery

  “I can’t do this,” she said.

  “What’s wrong?” Crystal asked, sounding concerned.

  Pia had to get out of there. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.

  She glanced at her watch. “I have to go. I have…” Her mind went blank, then rebooted and provided her with the perfect excuse. “I have a city council meeting tomorrow. I need to get back to work and prepare.”

  “Me, too,” Crystal told her. “We’re talking about the budget, which is a serious drag. Neither of us can have caffeine. How are we supposed to stay awake?”

  Pia was amazed. She must still look and sound normal, when on the inside, she was seconds from a meltdown.

  Somehow she made it back to her office. But instead of preparing for the meeting, she stood in her tiny bathroom, her arms braced against the sink.

  The obvious question was what had she been thinking. But she knew the answer to that. She hadn’t been. She’d been reacting to the loss of a dear friend. And now that she was pregnant, was she doing her very best to be informed? Had she made even one change in her life to support the babies?

  Okay, sure she’d given up alcohol and caffeine and she was taking the vitamins and eating lots of fruits and vegetables. But was that enough? She hadn’t known how many diapers a baby needed a day. She didn’t want to look at furniture or maternity clothes. If Crystal really knew what she was like, she would be horrified to know her future children would be in Pia’s custody. Because for the first time ever, the babies were finally real to her and she was terrified.

  THE ENTIRE TOWN TURNED OUT for the auction. Pia stared at the huge crowd and found that being the object of so much male attention was kind of good for her emotionally fragile state.

  Since arriving at the convention center, she’d been ogled, had her butt pinched twice and asked out more times than she could count.

  There had to be at least three hundred guys milling around the open space and twice that many women. The concession stands were doing a brisk business, which meant plenty of income for the city. All good.

  “Hey, pretty lady.”

  Pia glanced up from her clipboard and saw a tall, slightly grizzled older man smiling at her. He was missing a couple of teeth and needed a shave.

  “You gonna bid on me tonight?” he asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

  “Would that I could,” she said with a heavy sigh. “But I’m pregnant.”

  His gaze dropped to her belly and he took a couple of steps back. “I’m not interested in no kids.”

  “I hear that a lot.”

  The man turned and nearly ran in the opposite direction. Montana hurried up to her.

  “This is great. I can’t wait for the talent show. Some guy just felt me up. I should probably be mad, but it’s so strange, it’s almost funny.”

  “Give it an hour,” Pia told her. “It’ll get annoying. I’m telling every guy who talks to me that I’m pregnant. It’s very effective.”

  Dakota joined them. She had a soda in one hand and popcorn in the other. “The lady with the dancing dog is first up in the talent show. I can’t wait.”

  Pia laughed. “This is a serious event, you two. Act accordingly.”

  “It’s a woman dancing with her poodle,” Dakota said with a laugh. “I do love this town.”

  Pia glanced around at the crowd filling the convention center. Despite the craziness, she loved it, too.

  THE NEXT AFTERNOON, PIA managed to sit through the city council meeting without dozing off. Given her wild night at the auction, that was a serious accomplishment.

  The performances had gone off on time, the bachelor auction had been nearly orderly. The more attractive men who claimed to have jobs had gone for the most money, and nothing really embarrassing had happened, which meant the media coverage should be relatively benign.

  One crisis endured, forty-seven others waiting in the wings, she thought. At least the activities of last night had kept her from dwelling on her inadequacies as a potential mother.

  She was trying and that should count, she told herself. As she got more pregnant, she would bond more with the babies. She promised herself she would read more and figure out what she was supposed to do next.

  “We’re hoping revenue from the influx of tourists helps,” the city treasurer was saying.

  “By tourists she means men,” Mayor Marsha said with a heavy sigh. “Pia, the auction went very smoothly last night. Thank you for that.”

  “You’re welcome. I don’t have the money totals yet, but we made a lot. We’re taking costs out of the auction proceeds, and then all the profits go directly to the city.”

  “I suppose if we have to be in the middle of this circus, we might as well benefit in some way,” Marsha said. “What’s next?”

  Talk turned to budgeting. At one point, Charity tried to stifle a yawn, then caught Pia’s gaze and grinned.

  Pia nodded in agreement. Not exactly a topic to keep one up in anticipation. She shifted in her seat, feeling a faint cramping in her stomach. At first she didn’t think anything about it. She listened to the latest information on the cause of the fire at the school and the projections for repair costs.

  The cramps increased. She frowned as she tried to remember if her period was due. Usually she noted that on her calendar so she could be prepared with…

  Dread swept through her. She wasn’t going to get her period. She was pregnant. She shouldn’t be cramping. Not like this.

  “Oh, God,” she breathed, terrified to move, not sure what to do.

  Everyone turned to look at her. Another cramp hit her. This one was horrifyingly worse.

  Then she felt it. A rush of something liquid. Involuntarily she stood and looked down. Blood pooled in the seat.

  Pia began to scream.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  PIA GULPED FOR AIR. Even as she gasped, she choked on a sob. Despite the nurse’s insistence that she had to calm down, she couldn’t stop crying.

  The nurse held on to Pia’s hand. “Honey, is there someone I can call? Do you want me to get your mom?”

  The irony of the question only made Pia cry harder. Marsha would have phoned Raoul already, and he would get here as quickly as he could. There was no one else.

  “I’m fine,” Pia managed.

  “You’ve got to quiet down. This isn’t good for you or the babies.”

  Babies. Because there were two left. At least that’s what the ultrasound had shown. Only one had been lost.

  Pia did her best to slow her breathing. Getting upset only made things worse. She knew that, but she couldn’t seem to control herself. Not when she knew she was to blame.

  “Where is she?” a male voice asked from the hallway. “Pia O’Brian. She’s my fiancée.”

  “Raoul!”

  The nurse left her side and hurried to the open door. “In here.”

  Raoul rushed in and raced to her side. “Pia.” He bent over her and took her hand in his, then kissed her forehead. “Are you all right?”

  The worry and concern had her crying again. But instead of backing away, he leaned close and wrapped his arms around her.

  She cried and cried until she felt empty inside. Until there was no way to find relief.

  “I lost one of the babies,” she said, the words hoarse in her swollen throat.

  “I know.” He smoothed her hair. “It’s okay.”

  “It’s not. It’s not okay. I’m the reason. It’s my fault.” She felt her eyes fill again. Grabbing his hand with both of hers, she stared into his eyes. “It’s my fault. I did this. They were never real to me. I didn’t want to tell you, but they weren’t. I knew in my head I was pregnant, but I didn’t feel it. I wasn’t maternal. The baby knew. It knew and now it’s gone.”

  “Pia, no. That’s not what happens.”

  “It is. I did it. I was out with Charity yesterday. She wanted to look at maternity clothes and I didn’t. I didn’t want to think about how big I’m going to get, or what’s going to happe
n to my body. Then I freaked out about the furniture. I didn’t even know how many diapers a baby uses in a week.”

  The tears flowed again, trickling down her cheeks. “Crystal trusted me. She trusted me and one of her babies is gone and I can’t fix it. I can’t make it better. I loved her and she believed in me and look what I’ve done.”

  Raoul shook his head. He looked uncomfortable and helpless. “Sometimes babies don’t make it.”

  She raised her bed a little, so she could see him more easily. “There’s more. I’m the reason.” She swallowed, knowing she had to tell him the truth, even if it meant he would walk away from her forever.

  Maybe that would be for the best, she thought, feeling sick to her stomach. Then when the babies were born, he could have child protective services take them from her so she wouldn’t damage them further.

  “I got pregnant when I was in college.”

  RAOUL DIDN’T WANT TO HEAR anything more. He knew where the story was going, what she was going to say. Anger grew. He pulled his hand back.

  Pia was talking. He forced himself to listen, to pretend he wasn’t judging.

  “I knew he wouldn’t marry me, and I started…” She gasped for breath. “I started wishing the baby would go away. That’s what I thought in my head. How everything would be better if it just went away.”

  She closed her eyes. The tears continued to flow, but they no longer touched him.

  “Then it did,” she whispered.

  “It didn’t go away,” he said harshly. “You did something.”

  She nodded. “I know. The baby knew or sensed and then it was gone. Dr. Galloway said I can’t take responsibility. That not every baby starts out right and when they don’t, nature takes care of things. That’s the medical explanation. The baby wasn’t right. But it wasn’t the baby, it was me.”

  He stared at her, confused by what she was saying. “You didn’t have an abortion?”

  “What?” Her eyes opened. “No. Of course not. I was figuring I’d give the baby up for adoption. I even had a few brochures. But it was gone, just like today. That’s what I kept thinking. That I was being punished for not wanting that first baby. So I don’t get to have these.”

  His anger and sense of betrayal faded as if they’d never been. Shame replaced them—for thinking the worst of Pia. She was nothing like Caro. He already knew that.

  He returned to the bed, grateful she hadn’t noticed his retreat, and pulled her close again.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, apologizing for his mistake.

  “You didn’t do anything.”

  He would tell her later, he thought. When she was better.

  “Neither did you,” he told her. “You’re not being punished.”

  “You can’t know that.”

  He looked into her eyes. “Yes, I can.”

  “I lost one of Crystal’s babies.”

  “No,” he said quietly, for the first time understanding exactly what had happened. “We lost one of ours.”

  Twins, he thought sadly. Twins, not triplets.

  Her eyes widened. More tears came. “You’re right,” she said on a sob. “Oh, God. Make it come back.”

  A prayer that would never be answered, he thought sadly as he held her.

  They hung on to each other for a long time. When she seemed to have calmed down a little, he sat next to her on the bed and stroked her face.

  “I look terrible,” she said. “Puffy and swollen and miserable.”

  “You’re beautiful.”

  “You’re either a liar or you need your eyes checked.”

  He gave her a smile, then let it fade. After kissing her mouth, he said, “Don’t for one minute think it’s your fault. It’s not. It can’t be. Blame comes with a deliberate action.”

  He paused, then decided it was time. “You know that I was married before. Caro was a former beauty queen turned local news anchor. We met at a charity function in Dallas.”

  Pia leaned back against her pillows. “Is it okay to hate her?”

  “Sure.”

  “Good. Because I do.”

  At one time he had hated her more. But time had healed him. He would never understand, but he’d ceased wanting her punished.

  “We were the perfect couple,” he continued. “Shortly after we got engaged, she was offered a job with a national affiliate in Los Angeles. Her career was important to her, so we moved to L.A. and during the season, I commuted.”

  “That sounds very civilized.”

  “It was. We talked about starting a family. We both wanted kids. One day I got a call that Caro was in the hospital. I came as fast as I could. I didn’t understand what was wrong and she didn’t want them to tell me.”

  He could remember everything about that moment. Standing in the hallway, staring at a doctor who wouldn’t tell him what was wrong with his wife.

  “I don’t understand,” Pia said. “The doctor wouldn’t tell you?”

  “Not without her permission. I went into her room. She was pale. There were a couple of IVs and blood. I remember seeing the blood dripping into her.”

  That had scared him the most. The thought that she might die.

  He looked at Pia. “She’d had an abortion that afternoon and something had gone wrong. She’d been bleeding internally. She had surgery and was fine. That’s what she said. ‘I’m fine.’”

  He shook his head. “I didn’t even know she was pregnant. She hadn’t told me. She said she wanted kids one day but not right then. Not when her career was going so well.” He turned away. “If she hadn’t ended up in the hospital, I never would have known. She made the decision without me. While I believe a woman has a right to choose, this was different. We were married. We were trying to have a kid—actively trying to get pregnant right then so I could be with her when it was born during the off-season. But it was all a lie.”

  Pia’s breath caught. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. That Raoul’s wife had betrayed him, betrayed them that way. It was one thing to put off having kids, or to discuss an unexpected pregnancy, but to pretend to be trying for a baby, then abort it when it happened was inexcusable.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I know that’s a stupid thing to say, but I’m sorry.”

  He turned back to her. She saw the hurt in his eyes and the loss.

  “I’m sorry, too.”

  They stared at each other, sharing their pain. Despite their practical arrangement, she’d never felt closer to him. More connected.

  There was a short knock on the door. They both turned and saw Dr. Galloway walk in.

  “Pia, my dear,” she said. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Me, too.”

  The doctor shook hands with Raoul, then moved to her side. “From what we can tell, the other two babies are hanging on just fine. They’re growing and look healthy.”

  “You’re saying don’t give up hope.”

  The older woman patted her shoulder. “I’m saying don’t beat yourself up about this. I want you to try to relax. You’ll stay here tonight and we’ll do another ultrasound in the morning. I expect everything will be fine and you’ll go home. There’s no reason for us to believe you’ll have any other problems, but we’ll take precautions, just to be sure.”

  Pia nodded.

  “I’m going to have the kitchen send up some dinner. I want you to eat. Do you promise?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m staying,” Raoul said firmly. “I’ll make sure she eats.”

  “I suspect you will,” the doctor said cheerfully. “All right, Pia. Get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” Dr. Galloway’s mouth straightened. “No blaming yourself for this, hear me?”

  “I’ll try.”

  When the doctor left, Raoul moved to her side again.

  “We’ll get through this,” he promised.

  “I know.”

  Having him here helped, she thought, rela
xing back against the pillows. He was someone she could depend on, and right now that seemed like the best thing of all.

  PIA STRETCHED OUT ON the sofa and tried to get comfortable. It wasn’t that she was hurting, she just felt weird inside. Unsettled. Afraid. Unworthy. Not exactly emotions designed to make her day restful.

  She’d come home from the hospital that morning. It had taken a while to convince Raoul that it was perfectly safe to leave her for a few hours. Actually, it hadn’t been her words that had done the trick—instead it had been the steady stream of visitors, showing up with flowers, cards, food and baby gifts for the remaining twins. When he’d figured out she was unlikely to be alone for more than a few minutes at a time, he’d agreed to head out to check in at his office.

  Now she breathed a sigh of relief at the silence and hoped it would be hours until she next heard a knock on the door. It was a whole lot easier to feel sorry for herself and guilty when she was alone.

  The second ultrasound had shown the two remaining babies were doing very well. They seemed unaffected by what had happened to their sibling. One of her visitors— Nina, the nurse from the hospital—had brought over a chicken casserole and had explained about vanishing twins. That it wasn’t uncommon to lose one baby during gestation.

  Pia appreciated the attempts to make her feel better, but right now she felt mired in guilt and depression. It was possible that in time she would feel better, but she couldn’t imagine that ever happening.

  There was a knock on her front door.

  “Come in,” she called, hoping she sounded at least slightly enthusiastic.

  Denise Hendrix pushed open the door and walked into Pia’s living room.

  “Hi,” she said, smiling gently. “How are you feeling?”

  Pia shrugged. “Okay, I guess. Sad.”

  “Sure you are. You’re going to be for a while.” Denise held up the grocery bag she had. “Ice cream. Nearly every Ben & Jerry’s flavor. Think of it as your dairy. I’ll go put it in the freezer.”

  She returned in a few minutes. Instead of sitting in the chair opposite the sofa where Pia lay, Denise sat on the coffee table and leaned close.