Telling Lies Online

by Miranda MacLeod

  “Claire, that isn't fair,” Jamie pleaded.

  “Your people need to get their acts together if they can go twenty-four hours and not even know for certain if one of their own is missing or needs help.” Tears sparkled in Claire's eyes. “I swear, when I called over there it was like no one’s even sure if Jay works there! Maybe a new job wouldn’t be the worst thing, if that’s how much they care about people.”

  “Claire, come on. Have you considered that maybe they’re doing what needs to be done, and you’re just overreacting because you feel guilty?” Jamie cringed as the words came out. She hadn’t intended to start fighting again, but that’s exactly where this seemed to be headed.

  “Well, have you considered you’re under-reacting because you’re jealous of Jay and you’d be happier if he were gone?” Claire spat back.

  Jamie felt as if Claire had slapped her.

  “Jamie, I didn’t mean it like that,” Claire said. “I don’t think you really want him to be dead or anything like that. But you have to admit, you’ve been a little jealous of my relationship with Jay from the beginning.”

  “Your…relationship? With Jay?” Jamie stifled an angry laugh. “You don’t even know if you’re really ready to be my girlfriend, even after an entire night of pretty damned mind-blowing sex, but you have a relationship with Jay?” Jamie laughed at the sheer absurdity of it. “You’ve never met him, Claire. You don’t even know him. You’re obsessed with him, and you’re willing to let me lose my job over him, and you’ve never even seen him in person!” Jamie's voice cracked, her eyes filling with tears. “I’m not jealous of him, I’m frustrated with you for being so wrapped up in a fantasy about someone you don’t know that you’re willing to risk everything that we have in real life right now!”

  “Jamie, stop.” Claire begged. “I can hardly believe what you’re saying right now! Jay’s a fellow human being, and a friend. I don’t have to have met him in person to care about what happens to him. Give me one good reason,” she yelled, “why I should care about Jay’s well being any less than I care about yours!”

  “Damn it, Claire—because he doesn’t exist, that’s why! He isn’t real. It’s just me. It’s been me all along.” Jamie’s entire body shook. She hadn’t meant to do it quite like that, to spill the truth quite so ruthlessly, but she’d reached the end of her patience with the whole Jay situation. Now all she could do was wait in terror for Claire’s response.

  “I—I don’t understand why you’re acting like this,” Claire replied. “And don’t tell me it’s just you now. That’s for me to decide. You can’t just declare that you’re the only one who’s important, you know.” She sniffed, clearly feeling hurt. “I’ll admit that I had a lot of fantasies built up around Jay at one time, and I don’t blame you for being jealous of that, but that’s not what this is. He’s still a person, Jamie. It’s not his fault how I behaved. He doesn’t deserve to be left to die if we can help, right?”

  Jamie made a sound somewhere between a sigh and a sob. Claire had completely misconstrued what she had said. But there would be no reprieve for Jamie. She needed to tell Claire the truth. It was too late for anything else.

  “No, Claire. That isn’t what I meant. I meant that Jay is not actually real. There's no other way I can put this. He’s me. Or, I’m Jay. However you want to look at it.” Jamie cast her eyes downward in shame, her cheeks burning. “It’s just me. I’m the one you’ve been writing to all along. From the very first time.”

  Claire shook her head slowly, her brow furrowed in confusion. “No, that can’t be. How can that be? You wouldn’t make something like that up! Why would you lie about something like that?” Anger made her words shrill.

  “I didn’t mean to. I swear I didn’t. It just happened.” Jamie’s voice was little more than a whisper.

  “It happened? That’s your explanation? It happened? That isn’t something that just happens, Jamie. That’s something you choose to do.” Claire trembled with rage. “Why? Did you think it would be amusing to get a straight girl to fall in love with you or something?” Tears spilled down Claire's cheeks and she didn't bother to wipe them away. “Was it a joke to you? Have you just been laughing at me the whole time?”

  “What? No! That’s not how it was. And I would never have let it go this far if I hadn’t known all along that you weren’t really straight.” Jamie regretted those words even as they slipped out of her mouth.

  “Oh, you knew that?” Claire said coldly. “That’s fascinating. I didn’t know that I wasn’t straight—hell, I still don’t know if I know that!—but you knew it this whole time? And that made it okay, because you knew, plus you didn’t really do it on purpose?” Her face contorted with anger. “Lying is not an accident, Jamie. You don’t accidentally tell someone you’re a man when you aren’t.”

  “I didn’t!” Jamie said in protest. “Claire, it was the profile mix up, remember? It told me you were in Maine, it told you I was a guy. I didn’t say it, they did.”

  “Fine. But when you asked if I lived in Maine, I told you flat out that I lived in Oregon. You, on the other hand…you knew about the mistake and the impression that I was obviously under, and you deliberately chose to mislead me.” Claire's voice sounded wounded. “You made up an apartment in Beacon Hill, and…Antarctica, and…penguins! You sent me pictures, for God’s sake. Pictures! Who was that guy in the pictures, anyway?”

  “A model from one of Paul’s photo shoots,” Jamie mumbled.

  “A model? Huh,” Claire gave a humorless laugh. “I knew it. I knew he looked like he came straight out of a catalog…” Her eyes narrowed. “Wait, does that mean Paul knew about this, too?”

  Jamie nodded, closing her eyes against the coming wrath. But there was no outburst, no anger. Claire’s face just went blank. She took several deep breaths before looking Jamie in the eyes.

  “I was starting to think of you two as my family,” she said, her voice hushed. “And you both lied to me.” Claire's manner was eerily calm, and Jamie could only assume she was contemplating the depth of their betrayal.

  “What, and your own family never lied to you? Oh, wait, no. They just made you lie to yourself.” It wasn’t that Jamie wanted to provoke her, but the sudden lack of emotion on Claire’s face scared her more than seeing her angry.

  “No, it wasn’t their fault,” Claire said in a quiet voice, refusing to rise to Jamie’s bait. “They were always honest about what they thought. I was the one who chose to hide my feelings from them, and from myself. So maybe that was a lie I told myself. But how do I even know now? Maybe whatever I thought I felt was just more of your lies.”

  “Claire, please,” Jamie whispered. “I didn’t tell you about the gender thing, but that’s all!”

  “No, Jamie. That wasn’t all, because I shared things with Jay that I never told you, and you used that.” Claire’s eyes brimmed with tears. “You did it from the very first time we met, didn’t you? That day when you showed me the city, it wasn’t a coincidence that I thought it was the perfect day, was it? You already knew everything about me. This whole time, all you had to do was have Jay ask a question and you’d know what I was thinking…”

  “No, Claire…”

  “…and I had no idea it was even happening. You used it to manipulate me, to control me, and make me feel things that maybe I didn’t feel.” Claire's body trembled all over, and Jamie couldn't tell whether it was from shock or fear.

  “Please, Claire,” Jamie begged, “that’s not how it was. I promise you. All I ever did was create the opportunity for us to get to know each other and see what would happen. That’s all.”

  “No, Jamie. It isn’t. You don’t even see what you’ve done, do you?” Fighting back tears, she left the room and quickly climbed the stairs.

  “Please, Claire,” Jamie called after her, “we’ll talk about this tomorrow, okay? Please?”

  But silence was the only response.

  23

  “Claire?” The door to Claire�
�s room was shut tight, forcing Jamie to wait in the hallway for a response. “Claire, sweetie, please let me in. Please. We really need to talk so we can fix this.” There was nothing but silence. Jamie sighed and trudged down the stairs. Maybe she would find Claire there. Her hand shook with anticipation as she pushed the door open, but only Paul was inside. “Paul, have you seen Claire this morning?”

  He shook his head. “Nope. Her car was already gone when I got up.”

  “Gone?” Damn it, Claire. Where have you run off to this time?

  “Yeah, that was about an hour ago. This was on the counter, though.” He held out a folded sheet of paper. Jamie’s name was scrawled on one side.

  Her heart sank as she unfolded the page and read. It wasn’t the ‘Dear Jamie’ letter she had feared. No, it was a thousand times worse. A letter would have contained emotions, explanations, maybe a few heartfelt regrets. This read more like an instruction sheet for the mail man.

  Please ship boxes on bed to Theresa’s house. A Portland address was printed neatly below, and that was all. Not even a signature. Jamie bounded back up to the third floor and tore open the door to Claire’s room. Her clothing was missing from the closet, and three boxes sat in the middle of the bed. Aside from that, the room was bare. She’s gone, Jamie realized. Really, truly gone.

  Jamie was too shaken up to drive, so Paul dropped her off near the marina and promised to collect her after work. Crossing the street, Jamie stopped to stare at the spot next to the shops where Claire had stood the night of their swim. Tears stung Jamie’s eyes at the memory. She went through the side door at the Institute to avoid the ocean tank entirely. She didn’t think she could bear the sight of it. Passing by Alan’s desk on her way into the office, she noted that it was empty. Not that it mattered now. A message on her desk informed her that Alan was out sick today. You just couldn’t get sick yesterday, huh? Thanks a lot, buddy. For a brief time with Claire, Jamie had started to believe that maybe signs and fate and magic were real. Now she knew the truth. At best, the universe mocked her.

  Her phone buzzed. Dr. Swenson. The day was off to a fine start.

  “Can you come to my office?”

  Jamie knew her boss would want an update. What could she say that was true? She was so tired of lying. She was still thinking about what she could tell her boss when she entered the office. In her preoccupied state, she didn't notice the large pile of photographs in the middle of Dr. Swenson’s desk.

  “Shut the door, please, Dr. Richards.”

  Alarm bells went off in Jamie’s brain. Her boss had just called her by her last name. That wasn’t a good sign. The pile of photographs suddenly registered like a glowing neon sign of doom, and Jamie knew she was done for. This is the moment when I get fired.

  “I see you recognize these,” Dr. Swenson said, pointing to the photos, her expression neutral. “I was concerned about the building security so I had Burt send over the rest of his surveillance tapes after we spoke yesterday. I wanted to see what this mysterious woman was up to all by herself after hours.”

  Jamie swallowed roughly. “Up to?”

  “Yes. Was she a political activist? A corporate spy? You can't imagine how many scenarios I came up with. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that she was not, in fact, alone, but in the company of my top researcher and right hand woman, who had just assured me to my face that she had no idea who the woman in question was.”

  “Dr. Swenson, I can explain,” Jamie began.

  “No need. I think I know exactly what’s going on.”

  “You do?” Jamie gulped. Huh, I doubt it, she thought. No one would guess something as messed up as this.

  “I do. This Claire Flores, she’s your girlfriend, isn’t she.” She said it as a fact, not a question.

  Jamie nodded, stunned. It was a good guess, and mostly true. Claire had been her girlfriend, for all of about twenty-four glorious hours.

  “I’m going to tell you something, Jamie, that not everyone knows. It’s not a secret, but it’s not widely known in my professional circles. You’re not the only person in this room to get caught by her boss with her girlfriend.” Dr. Swenson chuckled at the sudden look of shock on Jamie's face. “I see that surprises you.”

  Jamie was dizzy. Her boss was back to calling her by her first name, and had just expressed her solidarity as a fellow lesbian. That was an unexpected turn of events, to say the least. “I…I hadn’t realized,” she said somewhat lamely. First Alan, now Dr. Swenson. Gaydar, my ass. Apparently half the staff at the Institute was gay and she hadn't had the first clue.

  “Well, why would you? I don’t talk about my personal life at work. But I’m telling you this now because I understand what it’s like to be in your position.” Dr. Swenson sighed. “When I first started my career, a very long time ago, the world was a different place. I didn’t even get to take my girlfriend skinny dipping in a giant indoor ocean to get myself in trouble. All I did was hold her hand when I thought we were in private, and got seen by someone who didn’t know how to mind their own business. And that was that. I lost my job, and when I managed to get another one, I made sure to be much more discreet.”

  “We weren’t skinny dipping, you know.” For some reason, Jamie felt compelled to set the record straight on that one issue. It might be the only chance to defend herself, since Jamie was pretty certain that everything else she’d done was completely indefensible.

  “Yes,” Dr. Swenson replied, nodding. “I’ve seen the pictures. It was innocent enough, if against the rules. Trust me, you are not the only one to ever do it. I’ve personally witnessed two members of the Board of Directors in a much more compromising position in that very tank.”

  Jamie shuddered at the thought.

  “Yes, that was my reaction too,” her boss said with a snort. “Anyway, I know the added pressure you may have felt, worrying that someone would find out that you were with this mystery woman that night.” Her tone was sympathetic. “It wouldn’t just be admitting to breaking a rule, it would be outing yourself to your boss and all of your coworkers”

  Jamie nodded. “Thank you for being so understanding.” It had never occurred to her to care about being outed—she assumed everyone knew—but she jumped at the convenient excuse.

  “What I don’t get is this crazy story about the missing scientist. Jamie, I'm asking this in all seriousness. Is your girlfriend mentally ill?”

  Jamie could tell that Dr. Swenson was genuinely concerned. “No,” Jamie replied. “If only it were that simple. The truth is…well, the truth is pretty messy, but I think you deserve to hear it all.” Jamie proceeded to tell her everything, from the profile mix up and the surprise visit, to Claire’s move east, and even their breakup and Claire’s moving out. Jamie didn’t leave anything out this time. “You don’t believe me,” she said when she finally got to the end of her tale.

  Dr. Swenson shook her head. “Oh, no. I believe you completely. No one on earth could make up a story that insane. It has to be true. It does, however, put me in a very awkward position.”

  Jamie nodded. “I understand that it doesn’t reflect very well on my character.”

  Her boss shook her head. “There’s nothing wrong with your character, Jamie. Even after hearing this, I’d still trust you more than anyone else here. The problem is perception.” She sighed. “You know first hand the scandal that was hanging over our heads this summer. Without you, we might have been sunk.”

  Jamie winced. “The irony of that is not lost on me.”

  “Nor me. Even now, the Board is skittish about our donors. They don't want any negative publicity. It’s why the story with Claire was such a big deal. Normally, who would care about one woman with a crazy sounding story about penguins and blizzards, right?”

  Jamie chuckled at the characterization despite herself.

  Dr. Swenson smiled sympathetically. “But add in a juicy tale about gender mix ups and online dating, and you’ve got national headlines, with the Institute front and ce
nter. Our PR people are going to be working overtime to make this go away. I’m afraid my hands are tied.”

  Jamie's heart skipped a beat. So, I’m getting fired, after all?

  Dr. Swenson held out a manila envelope. “This envelope does not contain termination papers.” She chuckled. “Yes, I know you figured it would, so I thought I’d just put that out there right in the beginning. What it does contain is a very generous job offer at a sister facility in Newport.”

  “A job offer?” Jamie inquired. “I don’t think I understand. I’m not being terminated—I’m getting a different job?”

  Her boss nodded. “Essentially, yes. When I discovered those videos last night, there weren't a lot of options, and none of them involved you being able to stay at the Institute. The Board would have had me fired, too. And it’s a real shame, Jamie, because I was serious about you becoming Head of Research.”

  Jamie nodded silently in acknowledgment. After everything else that had happened, she could barely process this latest loss.

  Her boss continued to speak. “As it happens, I went to college with the director in Newport. I gave him a call and he’s thrilled with your qualifications. I think it would be a good fit.”

  Jamie contemplated the unexpected turn of events. She’d been at the Marine Institute for several years. It was convenient to home, but maybe a change would be a good idea. Besides, suddenly everything here reminded her too much of Claire. She’d barely made it into the office today without breaking down. Newport was only a few hours away, and staying here wasn’t an option, regardless. Dr. Swenson had made that clear.

  A fresh start with a guaranteed job was hardly the end of the world.

  Jamie held out her hand and took the envelope. Jamie’s hand hovered above the doorknob as she turned to go. “May I ask one favor?” she said. “Whatever official statement goes out, just don’t let it make Claire look bad, okay? None of this was her fault.”

  Dr. Swenson nodded. “I think I can promise that.”