L'amore: The Luminara Series

by SJ Molloy

  I hate to see him vulnerable, but my emotions are past that vulnerable stage. They are at stage destruct. I try to control my own tears by calming down and lower my voice because I notice some of the neighbours have switched their lights on from hearing the racket.

  “I’m not leaving you, but I need to think. I need to think about what happened and how I can move on from this, if we can move on from this. I can’t be with you Lucca if I have your past thrown in my face all the time. Even with trust, because I do know you had nothing to do with that tonight. It was disrespectful and hard to stomach.

  “Fuck, Lexi, no. Jesus. Please do not say that. We will move on from this. I will make sure of it. I told you I will never let you go. I am not having you doubt what we have, what we share, and our relationship over something that you should never have had to see tonight. I will make this right.” He sniffles and drops his head again because I think he’s trying to hide his tears, and even in his moment of weakness he still looks masculine.

  “I’m more troubled by what I heard coming out of her mouth than what I saw.” I’m bitter and unforgiving.

  “What the fuck did she say to you?” He snaps his head back up, alarm written all over his face and an intense flicker of panic now in his cloudy eyes and voice.

  “Just so you know, I’m not into threesomes if that’s what you expect from your future wife, and I apologise for not being as sexy and promiscuous as all your other lady friends. I don’t appreciate some random slut getting off in my bed, or asking if I’m good at performing oral sex on a woman.” I spit the words at him, the whore’s voice still ringing in my ears. “I’m going to bed. Don’t follow me. I need space to get my head around this, and you promised …” With that, I leave him on the step outside desperately calling my name.

  I trudge into Jessica’s house with weak legs, sore feet, and mental exhaustion. I’m tempted to slam the door behind me, but it’s her house so I don’t. I ask Jess to make sure he leaves. I hear him shouting for me and approaching the front door and Peter trying to reason with him. Without looking back, I walk straight upstairs and collapse on her futon in her spare room.

  Curling into a ball, I pull my knees to my chest feeling small, fragile, and weak. I cry and I cry to myself until I hear a familiar voice. Sitting up with a sense of relief, I reach for Hazel as she kneels in front of me. I wrap my arms around her and cry so hard against her neck until I’m utterly exhausted. Jess strokes my back while Hazel hushes me, calmly rocking me in her arms while kissing my head.

  They haven’t asked why I am upset, they just console me. “It’s okay, we have you. It’s okay, everything will be fine. Calm down now. It’s okay,” Hazel croons compassionately.

  Once my tears finally dry up, I lifelessly lift my head, which now feels like a boulder on my shoulders, and thank them.

  Hazel gives Jess a knowing look, and Jess leaves the room. “Okay. Come on, up you get. Let’s get you fixed up. Jesus, Roo, I wish you would quit running barefoot.” Hazel sighs studying my feet.

  “I’m too tired, Skip. I’m so, so tired,” I whisper and slump my head back against her shoulder.

  “Come on, Roo. Just ten minutes. Let me clean your feet and we’ll get you into bed.” She stands up and lifts my hand so I’m standing.

  I notice Hazel has her own pyjamas on with a hoodie over the top. She must have gotten out of bed and driven straight over to Jess’s. She leads me into the bathroom where Jess has been filling the bath. “Skip, I’m too tired for a bath. I just want to sleep,” I protest.

  “I don’t mean a long soak; I just want you to sit in it so we can clean you up. Lift your arms,” she instructs, taking care of me as a mother would a small child. “Let Mamma Skip look after her little cub.”

  I form a semblance of a smile. “Joey, Skip, it’s a joey,” I correct her and stretch my arms above my head, allowing her to undress me while Jess sits fresh towels and bath products out.

  Once I’m in the bath, I sit and draw my knees up to my chest and hug them while Jess turns the shower on overhead. Hazel removes her hoodie and rolls up her sleeves so she doesn’t get soaked sitting at the side of the tub. After removing the pins from my hair, she washes and rinses it clean, and then washes my back gently with some body wash. I haven’t moved. I’m still sitting in the same position with my eyes closed. Hazel and Jess chitchat trying to distract me, but I’ve zoned out and can’t even recall what they are speaking about.

  “It hurts so much,” I mumble against my knees.

  Hazel turns the shower off and kneels down beside the bath again. “What hurts? Your feet?” she asks with concern.

  “No, not my feet. My heart, it hurts so much.” I stop myself from saying anymore because I know I’ll start bawling again. Instead, I splash my face and wash off the tear stained makeup.

  “I know, Roo, I know.” Hazel sighs, standing up, and holds a towel open for me.

  After I dry off, she leads me into Jessica’s bedroom where Jess has laid a pair of her pyjamas out for me. I dress in them and leave my hair bundled in the towel turban and climb into Jess’s bed with Hazel just as Jess returns with tea and chocolate cookies for us all.

  I’ve no idea how late it is, but I do feel better after the bath and during our tea in bed. I have relaxed somewhat so Hazel asks me if I feel up to the DBB: drunk, bed, and bitch. I ask Jess if Lucca left. She says it took a lot of convincing with Peter to eventually get him to leave, and then Hazel adds it’s good he had just left by the time she arrived because she’s going to murder him when she lays eyes on him.

  I want to explain and I’d like their advice, so I tell them what happened earlier with Kimberley then about the crazy whore in my bed and how I reacted to it.

  Even mentioning it flares the burning anger inside me again, and now I’m wound up and back to being tense. So many things run through my mind. I wonder if she’s still there at my house … Are the police still there? … Was she charged with breaking and entering? … Why was she there in the first place? … Did Lucca participate in threesomes? … Is he telling the truth that he hasn’t seen her in a year? … How did she know where the bedroom was? … Has he fucked her in the bed we share together? … Was it in fact Rose who helped her out of her cuffs? … Did Lucca throw her out? … Did he go crazy when he went back home? … Is he hurting just as much as I am? … Is he feeling lonely? … Is he missing me lying beside him as much as I’m missing him?

  Fresh tears pool in my eyes.

  “Roo, I don’t blame you for being upset. Anyone would react like this and be hurt and let down. Hell, I’d castrate Dominic if I found someone in my bed …” I hiccup and sob nosily at Hazel’s words. “But I do believe he had nothing to do with tonight. And I’ve no doubt in my mind that he loves you. Lexi, you are his world. I can guarantee he will feel like shit, and rightfully so, but he does loves you.” She passes me some tissues from the bedside table.

  “Yeah, and I love him. That’s why I’m so hurt. I can’t give him the sort of lifestyle that he had before me. I know he’s been with a lot of women, I’m not stupid, but they are fucking everywhere I turn. It’s too hard. I feel so incompetent and I guess I’m worried that he will get bored with me and I will be one of those women … you know … used and abused as the saying goes.” I brush my fingers over the suede material of a cushion, changing the textured colour from dark to light.

  Dark to light to dark again.

  Just like my fucked up life.

  “Lex, honey, everything you are feeling is normal. Don’t you ever doubt yourself. You are more of a woman than anyone else, and you would never be like those women because you are far too beautiful, intelligent, and sophisticated to ever lower yourself to their bitchy, slutty ways. It would never come to that anyway, because you love Lucca and he loves you, and I can’t ever see him letting you go. I’m just so mad that you had to experience it.” Jess strokes my arm and then offers me a cookie which I decline.

  “Is love enough though? I do love him,
but I don’t even know if I’m doing this right … the love and relationship thing. This is my first relationship and I’m so paranoid and insecure. I might even piss Lucca off. Some men hate jealous women.” I snivel before another sip of tea.

  “Yes, some men do. But this isn’t just jealously, Lex. It’s about trust and respect and understanding, and after tonight you have every right to be paranoid. You need to tell Lucca how you feel. He is probably thinking that he is fucking everything up too,” Jess adds.

  “Jess is right. The main thing is that when you calm down, you and Lucca need to talk. Spell it out for him. Men can be so fucking thick sometimes. Give him an ultimatum, be strong, and tell him you will walk if he doesn’t listen or make any effort to reassure you. From what I gather, Lucca has only had one long-term relationship with that Fran chick, so it will be relatively new for him too. You need to work it out together, but let him stew first. Don’t go back until you’re ready. Make sure he knows that you are not standing for this shit and if you don’t work it out, then come back home to Cameron and me,” Hazel says then pulls the covers back. She edges downward to look at my feet and asks Jess for some antiseptic cream.

  “Why did you not come back home to Cameron and me? I meant to ask,” Hazel quietly asks when Jess is out of earshot.

  “Because I thought Anna was there,” I reply. Jess returns with the cream.

  “They’re actually not bad. You are lucky, missy.” Hazel tsks, shaking her head after she has put cream on my soles.

  We snuggle back into bed and my tears begin to dry again for about the millionth time tonight. “I didn’t expect it to be so challenging … you know? Falling in love …” I say, lying back hugging the suede cushion against my chest.

  “It’s very hard. You need to compromise and it can be difficult. Steve and I have had lots of fights over the years. Remember the time, I went crazy because he kept getting text messages from a woman with lots of kisses at the end and it turned out to be his older sister who I hadn’t met.” Jess giggles and we join in.

  “Yeah, I do remember that.” Jess was worried sick over it at the time because it was early in their relationship.

  “And the time … I found lingerie in a gift box under Dominic’s bed. I thought it was a Christmas present, then when he never gave me it on Christmas morning I cried and thought he was seeing someone else. Turned out it was Steve who had bought it for you, Jess, and Dominic was hiding all his presents so you wouldn’t find them.” Hazel laughs.

  “Yeah the green satin set, that’s right,” she adds. I smile because I know they are just trying to cheer me up and lighten the mood.

  After Jess turns the light off and we finally settle down, I barely whisper, “Jess, did Lucca say anything when he was leaving? How was he? How did he act?” I ask because I can’t get the image out of my head of him vulnerable and man-crying. I know he was angry and shocked that I wasn’t going home with him, but I want to know what Jess noticed about his reaction.

  “He was crying, Lex, like really cut up. He told me to tell you … ‘you are the most beautiful intriguing woman he’s ever met,’ and that he loves you and something about you being his angel … ‘A blessing and his light,’ and you’ve not to switch it off on him because he has you, wants you to sparkle or something, and make you feel, feel the love … his love, yeah it was something like that.” The bedroom is fairly dark, but I can see that Jess is screwing her face trying to remember everything he said.

  “Oh, he said some Italian words too, and I’ve no idea what it was, but I think it was sweet because he had his hand on his heart before Peter encouraged him into the car.” I feel the mattress shift. Jess turns on her side and wraps her arm around me while Hazel grabs my hand, clasping it and holding our joined hands in front of my chest … my heart.

  Nothing else is said. Nothing else needs to be said. Their touch is enough.

  My stomach backflips with hearing Lucca’s sweet words, because I understand each and every one of them. His words are relevant to me … to us, and it makes me pine for him in that way that makes my heart feel empty. In my mind, I question if I’ve done the right thing by running away and refusing to go home. Now, I’m not so sure. I close my eyes but don’t sleep, I don’t even doze. Jess and Hazel fall asleep, but I just lie in the middle of them both, so tired, and so very unsettled.

  By the time Jessica’s alarm goes off in early hours of the morning, I feel like a train has run over me. All night, or what was left of it, I never let go of Hazel’s hand, even when she stirred and moved. I squeezed her hand tightly while my head ran through everything that happened last night.

  “Morning. How do you feel? Did you sleep?” Hazel asks, yawning and stretching.

  “Feel like crap and I didn’t really sleep,” I answer.

  “Lexi, I need to get up and get showered for work, you can stay here as long as you like. If you’re not going home to Lucca, you’re welcome to stay here, honey.” Jess cuddles me before getting her work clothes organised. I apologise for keeping them both up late last night with my drama but thank them for looking after me.

  Jess leaves for work shortly after. Hazel and I have another long chat in bed, just the two of us. She offers to make me breakfast but I decline. She tells me she has a class at Club di Energia but she will get it covered if I want her to stay with me, but I encourage her to go to work.

  After the night I’ve had and feeling all the emotions I do, I decide that I want to go back home to Lucca. Not that I’m ready to talk and forgive him just yet, but I want to be near him at least, until I figure this out. It might help me achieve some clarity or closure on what happened.

  “Are you sure it’s not too soon or early to go back?” Hazel asks tentatively, stretching her arms overhead while sitting cross-legged at the bottom of the bed.

  “Yeah, I’m sure. I want to go. There are too many things to say and too many things to share. It might not be today, but it needs to happen and I want to go now I’ve slightly calmed down,” I reply. I’m uneasy not knowing what happened last night after Lucca left here or what he’s doing and thinking just now.

  Hazel says she will run me home and can come over after her classes if I want her to. I put my dress back on from last night, borrow a pair of Jessica’s flat pumps since she’s the same size as me, and throw my hair in a ponytail. Before going downstairs, I take one last look in the mirror, sigh, and wrinkle my nose at how ashen and tired I look. Hazel makes me coffee. I sit in silence in the kitchen sipping it, gathering my thoughts while she calls Dominic to check in with him.

  “Are you ready? After I drop you, I need to go home and get dressed quickly for my first class,” Hazel asks, rinsing the mugs out at the sink. She’s still in her pyjamas and hoodie from last night.

  “Hazel, I’m sorry you were dragged out of bed last night, thank you for taking care of me.” I choke, leaning over to cuddle her, which stirs up my vulnerable emotions again and makes me teary because I love her that much.

  “I love you, Roo. I wasn’t going to leave you crying all night, even with Jess here. Anytime you need me, you know I’ll come and get you, or you come straight back home. I mean it. I’m always here for you. If you ever need a break from your relationship, come home.” She playfully lifts my ponytail, swinging and circling my hair.

  “Thank you. What would I do without you?” I sob against the crook of her neck because I’m questioning if I can continue my relationship with Lucca if his past continues to haunt us.

  “Hmmm, I’ve been asking myself the same thing. Now listen carefully. If I ever, and I mean ever … catch you running barefoot again … I’m going to throttle you!” She holds me at an arm’s length with her lips pursed in a thin line.

  “Yes, Mum!” I hiccup and pitifully laugh while sobbing.

  “It will be you that I’ll murder, not Lucca!” She smiles this time and I take her hand.

  I lift my clutch bag, wipe my tears, and follow her out.

  Jess wants us to loc
k up and put the key through the letterbox because she has a spare. I pass the key to Hazel. When I go outside, my knees almost go weak and my breath catches in my throat at the vision in front of me. Lucca is leaning against his Aston Martin car with the same clothes on from last night. We lock eyes, both tired, weary, and pain stricken. Lucca looks lost and helpless. He cautiously smiles and advances towards me. While the earth stops spinning around us, we exchange silent words. Lucca initiates the wordless conversation by drawing me into his pleading eyes, the depth of his despair …

  I’m sorry.

  I’m angry.

  I’m lost.

  I’m empty.

  I’m desperate.

  I’m hurt.

  I’m miserable.

  I’m destroyed.

  He sighs and reaches for my hand. “Baby, please. I came back and I am not leaving here without you this time.”

  Reactively, I recoil again. Hazel is now standing with her hand on her hip and ready to throw some fire bombs his way. I can feel the heat radiating from her.

  “Just the man I wanted to see!” She raises her voice, pointing a finger at him. He seems surprised to see Hazel here, or uneasy that I had to confide in her when I know he wanted me to confide in him. She steps forward to confront him face-to-face. Hazel looks so small and delicate standing in front of his tall, muscular body, but she’s squaring up to him nonetheless.

  “Good morning, Hazel,” Lucca says gingerly but leans over to double cheek kiss her. He’s met with a slap right across his jaw. I gasp and throw my hand over my mouth, watching Hazel wince, shaking her sore hand out.

  “Shit, Hazel …?” He moans, rubbing his red cheek with his hand and then frowns. I’m shocked; I never thought she would go to the extent of actually slapping him. Maybe he deserved it, but he’s still mine and I don’t know how I feel that my man has been slapped.

  “Don’t you, good morning me. Turns out, it’s not a bloody good morning, because I’m actually shattered. I had to come here in the middle of the night and hold my best friend while she cried all bloody night long, because she was that upset…” Hazel rants and jabs a finger in his chest “…and all because of you. For some reason, she seems to have unknowingly moved into the playboy mansion! And let me tell you this, if you think that it’s acceptable to be treated poorly at dinner by an employee you used to fuck and then discover a whore in your bed, then you are delusional. Frankly, if it were me, I’d have your cards marked and send you bloody packing.” She scoffs and shakes her head.