Getting Off: A Novel of Sex & Violence (Hard Case Crime)

by Lawrence Block

  Angelica was silent. Thinking, she figured. She extended her forefinger, poked Angelica’s back. “Otherwise,” she said, “I’ll do this—” she poked harder “—with the icepick. In the kidney, which is supposed to be very painful. So you’ll wind up telling me anyway, and at that point I’ll have no choice, and I’ll kill you. But I don’t want to, because I’ve never killed a woman, so—”

  “God, I don’t care about the money! You’re welcome to all of it. I was just trying to think where it is.”

  She gave her a minute.

  “The top drawer of my dresser. The high chest is his, the wide low one is mine, and the top left-hand drawer—”

  “Three hundred dollars,” Missy said. “I already found it, I wanted to see if you’d tell me about it. Now the second half of the test. Pass this part and you won’t have the icepick to worry about, and that’s a promise. There’s more money here somewhere, money your husband would want to keep handy. Now where do you suppose that might be?”

  There was a locked drawer in the kneehole desk downstairs in the living room. He’d never let Angelica see what was inside it, but if he had money stashed anywhere, that was where she thought it might be.

  Angelica didn’t know where he kept the key, and she didn’t waste time looking for it. She figured a desk drawer wasn’t exactly Fort Knox, and a hammer and a screwdriver got her into it in hardly any time at all.

  The drawer held a revolver and a box of shells, along with various legal documents; she left all of that untouched and went straight for the cash. There was a stack of it, all hundreds, and she took her time and counted it. It came to $3,800, a huge score, enough to keep her going for a long time.

  Back upstairs she said, “Can you believe he kept his gun in a locked drawer? Real handy if somebody breaks in. But you were right, that’s where he kept his cash.”

  Angelica was saying something about jewelry, but she didn’t want to hear it. She had the money and that was all she wanted. And she didn’t want to hear anything else the woman might say, didn’t want her begging to be let loose. She’d prepared a square patch of duct tape earlier, when she’d bonded the woman to her husband, wrist to wrist and ankle to ankle, and now she slapped the gag over Angelica’s mouth, cutting her off in mid-sentence.

  “Sorry,” she said, “but I want to talk now, and I don’t want you interrupting. I lied to you before. Well, lots of times, but when I told you and Brady about being an orphan. Which I am, but I lied about how I got that way. See, that’s what the cops thought happened, and how they explained it to me, but what they didn’t know is I shot my mother, and then I called my father at the office and told him to come home, and when he did I shot him, too. And then I went to my girlfriend’s house, and got myself invited to spend the night, and went home in the morning and discovered the bodies and called the cops, di dah di dah di dah. So it’s not really true that I never killed a woman.”

  She went to the nightstand, took out a silk scarf.

  “And I’ll keep my promise,” she said, “and not do you with the icepick, but how could I let you live? Not because we had sex, but because, duh, you know what I am and what I do.”

  Angelica was struggling, trying to free herself. No way that was going to happen. Missy slipped the scarf around her neck.

  “This is Hermés, isn’t it? Very nice. It’s what you were going to use to tie me up, right?” She took a breath, tried to focus on what she wanted to say. “You’re really beautiful,” she told Angelica, “and I had a wonderful time with you, both before and after Brady joined the party. And I wish I could get the name of your waxing person, but I’ll be leaving town as soon as I’m done here, so I wouldn’t have time anyway. But I’ll find somebody else, somewhere, and get it done, so I guess I’ll have plenty of occasions to remember you.”

  She told herself, Do it, for God’s sake. Don’t draw it out.

  “This ought to work,” she said. “It’s supposed to be pretty easy to strangle somebody this way. But you’ll have to bear with me. I’ve never done this before.”

  THIRTY

  “Kimmie, a threesome!”

  “I was just looking to go home with a girl,” she said, “but she was there with her husband, and he was kind of cute.”

  “You’ve got to tell me everything.”

  Well, not exactly everything. She gave Rita the Reader’s Digest version, abbreviated and toned down. Even so, with Rita’s questions and exclamations, she used up a chunk of the new cell phone’s prepaid minutes.

  “It added something,” she said of the husband’s presence. “But at the same time it took something away.”

  “ ’Cause it wasn’t just the two of you.”

  “Right.”

  “Kimmie, I really wish you were here.”

  “Me too.”

  “I won’t even ask where you are.”

  “Actually, I’m out west again. Not as far west as you are, though.”

  “Oh?”

  “A place I’ve never been before. Provo, Utah?”

  “I’ve never been there either. When I was a kid we took a family trip to a national park, and I think it may have been in Utah. Arches?”

  “I never heard of it.”

  “It was pretty neat. There were these great natural rock formations, sandstone eroded by the wind, and there was this one huge freestanding stone arch and you could stand under it and get your picture taken. And it fell down.”

  “While you were standing under it?”

  “No, silly! I was there fifteen or twenty years ago, and just last year it fell down. It was on the TV news.”

  “Oh.”

  “I’m pretty sure it’s in Utah. Hang on. Thank you, Google. It’s in Utah, and the nearest town is Moab, and I remember now because that’s where we stayed. In a motel with fake wood paneling on the walls. Now why do I remember that?”

  “Maybe the wood grain looked like a cunt.”

  “Kimmie, you are just terrible!”

  “I know.”

  “Where did you say? Provo? Hang on. Okay, you’re a hundred and ninety-one miles away if you take Route Six. Oh, you know what? That’s where he’s from.”

  “That’s where who’s from?”

  “That crazy Mormon. What was his name? Not Kelly. Damn, why can’t I—Kellen!”

  “The one who wouldn’t go down on you?”

  “Yeah, the pig. Saving his tongue for his fiancée. Asshole.”

  “Probably saving his asshole for Brigham Young.”

  “Ha! You know what? You should look him up.”

  “You think?”

  “Sure, why not? He was pretty hot, except for what he wouldn’t do.”

  “Well—”

  “And wouldn’t you want the experience of screwing a hundred and fifty guys at once?”

  A hundred fifty-two, she thought. And said, “What are you— oh, right, you told me. Proxy baptism?”

  “That’s it.”

  “But you wouldn’t mind, Rita?”

  “Me? Why should I mind? I’m not the one who’s engaged to him.”

  “Well, still. I mean, you saw him first.”

  “And when am I gonna see him again, and why would I even want to? I don’t have to go all the way to Utah to find a guy who won’t go down on me. As a matter of fact...”

  “What?”

  “Well, I have to admit I kind of like the idea of us having him in common. It’d be a new kind of threesome, the kind with an interval.”

  “Kellen,” she said. “It’d help if I knew his last name. Still, how many Kellens can there be? Unless it’s the Mormon equivalent of Jason.”

  “He told me his last name. But I can’t possibly—Kimball!”

  “You can’t possibly Kimball?”

  “That’s it, it just popped into my mind. Kellen Kimball. Just think what your name would be if you married him.”

  “Yeah, right. I probably won’t look for him, and nothing’s likely to happen even if I do.”

 
; “But if it does,” Rita said, “I want to hear all about it.”

  He remembered Rita. Vividly, it would seem, because the recollection brought a blush to his pink cheeks.

  “Outside of Seattle,” he said. “I can’t recall just where.”

  “Kirkland.”

  “That’d be it, Kirkland. A friend and I, we saw her as part of our missionary work. She’d expressed some interest in LDS, so we paid her a home visit to discuss it with her.”

  “LDS.”

  “Latter-Day Saints. What you probably call the Mormon religion, the official title is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.”

  She’d found out where he lived, which hadn’t proved terribly difficult. There was a whole column of Kimballs in the phone book, but only one Kellen. The phone book provided his address, and finding one’s way around Provo was ridiculously simple, because the streets were in a numbered grid, and if you could count you could get anywhere you wanted to go. His apartment was on East 300 North Street, just around the corner from Dragon’s Keep, a store on University Avenue that sold games and comic books. There were items on display, sword and sorcery paraphernalia, that wouldn’t have looked out of place in the Pleasure Chest. The clientele, however, was vastly different—nerds and geeks instead of pervs and players.

  It was where he’d suggested they meet, and the staff there greeted him by name, which suggested that he had a rich life reading comic books and playing Dungeons & Dragons on those lonely nights when he couldn’t find somebody not to go down on.

  For all that, he was a tall, good-looking young man, with the fresh-faced handsomeness of a male model in the Lands’ End catalogue. One cheek was lightly pitted with old acne scars, and that was a plus; it kept him from being too pretty.

  She knew at first glance that he would certainly do. But it wasn’t his good looks that had led her to Provo, Utah, nor was it the chance to go where Rita had already gone. That was appealing, no question about it, but she had something more important in mind.

  “LDS,” she said. “At first I thought you were a dyslexic talking about LSD. You know, acid? But that didn’t make sense, because Mormons don’t use drugs. Or do they?”

  “I take aspirin for headaches, and anything my doctor prescribes for medicinal purposes. But in the sense of mood-altering drugs, no, that’s something we don’t do.”

  “Well, I’m with you on that one,” she said. “Kellen—is it okay to call you Kellen?”

  “Well, sure. That’s my name. And you’re Marsha?”

  “But everybody calls me Marcy.”

  “Then that’s what I’ll call you, Marcy.”

  Laughter erupted from one of the tables to their right, where three nerdy-looking young men were clustered around a game board. When it died down she said, “Kellen, there’s something I need to ask you about. Could we go someplace a little quieter? And maybe get a drink or a cup of coffee?”

  “Which would you prefer?”

  She shrugged. “Whichever you feel like.”

  “Well,” he said, “I’m afraid they’re both out of bounds for me.”

  “Oh,” she said, light dawning. “Mormons don’t drink alcohol.”

  “Or coffee.”

  “I didn’t know about coffee. Well, could we get a Coke? Or a cup of tea?”

  He was grinning now. “Stimulants,” he said.

  “So they’re a no-no?”

  “I’m afraid so. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have whatever you want, and I can keep you company.”

  “If we were both Mormons,” she said, “where would you take me and what would we have?”

  “Well, there’s a juice bar that’s quiet and comfortable. And only a couple of blocks from here.”

  “Then let’s go there.”

  “But you’d be pretty much limited to fruit juice.”

  “That’s fine,” she said. “In fact that sounds pretty good right about now.”

  *

  “There’s something Rita told me about you,” she said, and damned if he didn’t blush the least bit. The place he’d taken her was a little more brightly lit than your average bar, and she could see the color rise to his cheeks.

  “Besides that,” she said.

  “Besides—”

  “Look, let’s clear the air, okay? I know you went to bed with Rita, and incidentally she said you were a wonderful lover. And I can’t say I’m surprised, because you’re certainly an attractive man. And yes, I know you’re engaged, and that’s not the point, either. I don’t mean to embarrass you, bringing all that up out of the blue, but otherwise it’s just going to hang in the air between us, and I don’t think that’s what either of us wants.”

  “You’re very direct.”

  “But don’t you agree?”

  “Well, yes,” he said, and picked up his glass of lemonade like an alcoholic reaching for his Harvey Wallbanger. “Yes, best to clear the air.”

  Right. “What Rita told me about, and what really stuck in my mind, is the experience you had with proxy baptism. See, I never even heard of that before, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. I did some research online, and, well, I keep thinking about it.”

  “I suppose you’d like to find out about getting your own ancestors baptized. Well, that’s not hard to arrange, and—”

  “No.”

  “No?”

  “It’s a little more complicated than that,” she said. “See, I had this boyfriend, and we were really deeply in love.”

  “Oh?”

  “We were meant to be together forever, I know we were. But he was married to somebody else.”

  “Oh.”

  “He filed for divorce, and the legal proceedings were underway. And he and I weren’t living together, but we had, you know, a full relationship. And then—”

  “Yes?”

  “He died.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  She reached across the table, put her hand on top of his. “It was very sudden,” she said, “and completely unexpected. We were making love, and what we were doing—I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t go into detail. Would I be embarrassing you?”

  “It’s all right.”

  “Well, I think they call it the Reverse Cowgirl position. He was lying on his back, like, and I was sitting astride him, but facing toward his feet. That was always a very effective position for us, because his dick hit my G-spot perfectly that way, and—is it okay to talk like this to a Mormon?”

  He nodded.

  “Well, that made it super good, and I could regulate the depth and everything, and he could just lie there and enjoy it. Plus I could use one hand for balance and use the other on my clit, just to, you know, help things along. Like.”

  “I see.”

  “So it was really great, and I had this super orgasm with bells and whistles, one of those long rolling things that just goes on forever, and when it finally stopped I said something, I don’t know what, telling him I loved him, that kind of thing, and he didn’t say anything. And the one thing I don’t like about the Reverse Cowgirl is you don’t get to see his face, and I didn’t even know if he came or not, or much of anything. And he wasn’t moving or making any sound, so I swung around to get a look at him, and, well, he was dead.”

  “How awful.”

  “They said he had a congenital heart condition, that it had just been there all his life and remained asymptomatic all that time, so nobody ever knew about it. And then it popped up and killed him. It could have happened while he was playing basketball or hurrying to catch a bus, or it could have happened in the middle of a night’s sleep. It was going to happen sooner or later, and the time it picked was right when I was squirming around on his dick in the throes of an amazing orgasm.”

  She touched his hand again. “Anyway,” she said, “that’s what I thought of when I learned about proxy baptism.”

  “You want him baptized, so that he’s guaranteed eternal life in Christ everlasting.”

  “No.
”

  “No?”

  “He was baptized as an infant. I don’t remember which denomination his parents were, and I know he’d lost his faith over the years, especially when his marriage went sour, but he was definitely baptized. Now maybe a Mormon proxy baptism would still do him some good, I don’t know about that, but if you want to put his name on the list, well, I’d have no objection to that. But it’s not what I came to Provo for.”

  “Then—”

  “We were meant to be together,” she said, “and I knew that from the moment I met him. And I still know it. I’ve been with other men since then, because I’m a healthy woman with healthy appetites.” Her hand brushed his. “You probably sensed that much.”

  “Well, the way you were talking about the Backwards Cowboy.”

  “Reverse Cowgirl. But that’s an interesting idea—someday we’ll have to work out just what the Backwards Cowboy might entail.”

  A perfect blush this time, a really deep reddening of those pink cheeks.

  “But here’s what I’m getting at,” she went on. “We would have been married. We were supposed to be married, and it’s what we would have done the minute his divorce became finalized. And then we’d be together forever.” She took a deep breath. “So what I want,” she said, “is a proxy marriage. I want you to stand in for him, as his proxy, and we’ll be married.”

  He had a whole batch of objections. There was no such thing as proxy marriage in the LDS church, and she wasn’t a Mormon, and the person she wanted to marry hadn’t been a Mormon, so how could they go through an LDS sacrament, let alone by proxy?

  “I know all that,” she said. “It wouldn’t have to have anything to do with the church, or with any church. Or with the government, either, and there wouldn’t need to be any clergy involved.”

  “I’m not sure I understand.”

  “It would be a private exchange of vows,” she said. “Without witnesses. Just the two of us, just you and I, except you’d more or less become him during the ceremony, using his name and standing in for him. As his proxy—that’s what it would come down to.”