by Matt Cain
‘So what do we do now?’ he asked, raising his hand to protect himself. ‘I’m just not sleepy yet.’
‘Well, we could watch a DVD. There’s a whole stack of them over there.’
Billy went over to a bedside table and began looking through a collection of classic black and white romances. ‘Some Like it Hot? Bringing Up Baby?’ He jumped back onto the bed and handed her a copy of Casablanca. ‘What do you reckon to this?’
Mia sat gazing at the cast photo on the cover of the DVD. She looked towards the window wistfully.
‘Is something the matter?’ Billy asked.
‘Oh I don’t know. It’s nothing really.’
‘No come on, what’s bothering you?’
‘Well it might seem a little morbid but I was just looking at this movie and thinking that everyone in it’s got to be dead now. You know, so what was the point?’
‘I’m not sure I understand.’
‘Well it’s just that, you know, we always thought this was what it was all about.’ She pointed to the cover image on the DVD. ‘But sometimes I wonder if we’ve been concentrating too much on our careers and sacrificing too much of the good stuff in life, the stuff that’s really important. Because one day we’ll be dead too and what will any of this matter then?’ She held up the DVD and dropped it onto the bed.
‘So is this what happens when you’ve had sex?’ Billy joked. ‘You start getting all philosophical?’
‘Seriously, Billy. Quit horsing around for just one second and think about it. You know, when I look back at the last few years of my life, I’m not sure I was ever really happy. Not really, truly, deeply happy. And it’s only recently that I’ve learned how to be happy. And now that I’ve experienced happiness, I don’t want to go back to the way things were before.’
Billy sat in silence, thinking it over. ‘So I take it you’re talking about falling in love?’
‘I guess I am, yeah. And love is too serious and too special and too big a part of who I am to play around with it like this. I mean, just what are we doing here, Billy? You in the closet and me pretending to be your girlfriend? It’s crazy.’
‘Well let’s stop the show-mance – let’s just call it off. We’ve given Violet what she wants now. Those pictures will be in all the papers soon and the premiere will be huge. We’ll just have to tell her that once we’ve walked down that red carpet we’re done. And if we’re both united on this then there’s nothing she can do about it.’
‘If you’re absolutely sure then yeah, let’s do it.’ She took a deep breath before she went on. ‘But I also think you should come out, Billy. Or at least start working out when you can come out . . . Because take it from me – a life without love isn’t really a life at all.’
‘But there are different kinds of love, Mia. You love me, my fans love me . . . And how do I know that if I came out there wouldn’t be less love in my life?’
‘Trust me, Billy. Nothing compares to being loved for who you really are – romantically, sexually, spiritually, in every way possible. And lying about such a big part of who you are just isn’t good for the soul.’
There was a long pause while Billy thought this over. ‘You’re right, Mia. And I guess I know most of this already. You know, there’s not a day goes by when I don’t wish I could be out. Believe me, there’s nothing I’d like more. But how could I possibly do it after all the lies I’ve told? How can I expect people to love me when telling them I’m gay also means telling them I’ve been a fraud for the last seven years? A low-down dirty liar.’
‘But if you explained why you lied then I’m sure people would understand.’
‘Maybe. But it’s way too risky. Sure, it’s something I have to deal with and something I want to deal with too. I just can’t deal with it right now, that’s all. I’m too frightened, Mia.’
‘Come here, Billy. I do love you, you know.’
She held out her arms and hugged him tightly.
‘My big, gay Billy.’
*
Now Hector really couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
Standing on the other side of the bedroom door, he wanted to jump up and down with excitement. This was the biggest secret in Hollywood and he was one of the few people who knew it. Maybe he was special after all.
So Billy Spencer’s gay . . . However much Hector thought about it, he still couldn’t get his head round it. It just didn’t seem real.
Hector had always thought his gaydar was infallible but it had clearly made a huge mistake with Billy. He hadn’t for one minute suspected that he was gay. But now that he knew, Billy’s relationship with Mia made perfect sense. And so did the fact that Billy always claimed to be too busy to have a girlfriend. Not to mention his awkwardness around Hector.
No, the more Hector thought about his discovery, the more he realized how significant it was. Knowing that Billy was gay changed everything. Absolutely everything.
*
At home in Venice, Leo was lying in bed with an even-more-gassy-than-usual Watford. As he tickled his stomach, all he could think about was what Mia was doing right then.
Is she posing for pictures with Billy?
Is she stroking his chest while the paps snap away?
Are the paps standing around talking about her like a piece of meat, joking about how much they’d like to spend the night with her?
As his mind swirled his heart raced faster and faster. He was so worked up he thought he was going insane. It was as if all the anger and frustration had worked its way into his bloodstream and was contaminating his entire body. And no matter how much he tried, he just couldn’t shake it off.
There was no chance he’d be able to get to sleep tonight, and then tomorrow he’d have a long wait till the pictures finally made the papers. He knew that they’d be hot property and no pap or photo agency worth their salt would let them surface on the internet until they’d done lucrative deals with papers around the world first.
Oh it was all so hideous. There was a tight knot of what felt like intense physical pain twisting and twisting inside him. He was utterly broken.
Yeah, he loved Mia – he was totally head-over-heels in love with her. But if this was the reality of being in love with her, then he wasn’t sure he could do it anymore.
12
Leo felt terrible. He’d hardly slept all night, tossing and turning, obsessing over Mia. When he’d finally given up on sleep and crawled out of bed, he’d had to drink so much coffee to jolt him awake that he now felt shaky with anxiety.
To try and take his mind off things he’d taken Watford to a dog groomer’s in the centre of Venice called Doggy Style. He’d needed to have his coat cleaned and his claws clipped for a while now but Leo had been putting it off in order to spend more time with Mia. Now that she was spending some time with Billy, he had the perfect opportunity to get it out of the way.
All around him in the waiting room, dogs were sniffing each other up, play-fighting and seeing which of them could bark the loudest. The relentless noise was starting to give Leo a headache. To his left a randy sausage dog tried to mount an Alsatian while its uninterested owner flicked through a magazine. On the cover was yet another photo of Mia and Billy.
This was like torture. Wherever he went, Leo couldn’t escape the nightmare of Mia’s show-mance and whatever he did, he couldn’t stop the feelings from burning away inside him. At least the photo in this magazine was a relatively harmless one taken the previous week. But he knew that very soon the pictures of last night’s clinch would hit the newsstands. And then things would get a whole lot worse.
According to the romantic films Leo remembered his sisters watching while he’d been growing up, love was supposed to be a beautiful experience, not one that made him feel a whole range of painful emotions – from dread to anger, from anguish to desolation – all at an intensity he hadn’t known was even possible.
Well he couldn’t take it anymore. He had to go and see Mia and tell her how he was feeling. I
f this was the reality of being in love with her, then he definitely couldn’t deal with it anymore.
*
Mia strolled around the house, fluffing up cushions and rearranging flowers. Now that Billy had left she was at a loose end and, as it was a Sunday, Hector wasn’t due in to work until the next day. The house felt unusually quiet and she decided to make the most of the rare moment of calm.
She picked up Bogie and Bacall and took them into the garden, where she sat on a chair in the shade. Both cats snuggled into comfortable positions on her knee and she began stroking them under their chins and behind their ears. As she listened to them purr she felt a pleasing sense of serenity. She knew that she and Billy had made the right decision in calling time on the show-mance. It felt like a huge burden had been lifted from her shoulders and she couldn’t wait to tell Leo.
But first she needed to speak to Serena, to double check that she was doing the right thing and to work out a strategy for breaking the news to Violet. She picked up her phone and dialled the number.
‘Hey, sister,’ Serena answered. ‘How did it go?’
‘Oh it was all fine thanks. Everything went according to plan.’
And do you feel OK about it?’
‘Well I didn’t particularly enjoy it to be honest. And neither did Billy. But we kind of got talking afterwards and decided that that’s it – once we’ve gone to the premiere together we’re through with this show-mance.’
‘Really?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Well in that case I think you’ve made the right decision. Sure, it’s worked and the press have gone ballistic over it. But, you know, you’ve done the important part now – enough already.’
Mia nodded and bit her lip. ‘The only problem is, how do we tell Violet? I know I said I wanted to handle her on my own but now that this is happening I might need your help.’
‘Well I’m right with you, sister.’
‘Thanks, Serena. I really appreciate it.’
‘The only thing is, I think it’s better to wait till tomorrow morning. By then the pictures will be in all the papers. If we’re lucky we might even get some first editions and internationals tonight. Which means that by the morning Violet will have had her big climax and be basking in the glory. She won’t have a leg to stand on if she wants to bully you into carrying on. And if she does, she’ll have me to contend with.’
‘OK, well, if you’re sure that’s the right thing.’
‘One hundred per cent sure. I’ll call her people now to fix up a meeting. And I’ll get Billy and his agent there too. Safety in numbers and all that.’
‘Great, thanks Serena.’
‘No problem, it’s my job. I’m on it already.’
With that she rang off.
Mia was overjoyed. She cradled the cats in her arms and began looking forward to a life without deceit and duplicity – a life shared with Leo, the man she loved. And who knows? she thought, the next time I have a premiere, maybe I’ll be able to walk down the red carpet with him. She knew now that there was nothing she wanted more.
She put down the cats and picked up the phone. Now that she’d spoken to Serena, she could break the news to Leo.
As she dialled his number a smile spread across her face.
*
Leo pulled up outside Mia’s house and buzzed the intercom. There were a few paps hanging around but no one he knew. He kept his helmet on just in case and hoped that none of them recognized his number plates or the little sticker of the British flag on the back of his bike. It was a bit sloppy but he was past caring. And anyway, he was here to tell Mia that he was sick of hiding away and couldn’t hide anymore.
As he waited for an answer he saw he had one missed call on his phone – it was from Mia. Never mind, he thought. Whatever she wants to say she can say to me in person.
After a long pause, her voice sounded on the intercom. ‘Hello?’
‘Hi Mia, it’s me.’
‘Leo! Come right in!’
There was a loud buzzing sound and the gates swung open.
He rode his bike up to the porch, his heart beating so fiercely he could see it through his shirt. Keep calm, he told himself. Don’t get worked up and start an argument. If you stay relaxed it’ll be much easier to tell her how you feel.
When he reached the front door, Mia ushered him inside. ‘Quick,’ she said, ‘before anyone sees you.’
‘That’s it,’ he blurted out, ‘hide me away like a dirty secret.’
‘I’m sorry?’
‘You know, God forbid any paps should think we’re having a relationship or anything.’
Uh-oh, he thought. Looks like I’ve lost my cool already.
‘Leo?’ Mia frowned. ‘Is something the matter?’
He took off his helmet but didn’t kiss her.
‘Nothing’s the matter. I just think there’s some stuff we need to sort out, that’s all.’
‘Well I’m glad you’re here because there’s something I want to tell you.’
He held up his hand. ‘No offence, Mia, but if it’s about Billy, I don’t want to hear it.’
‘Well it is but—’
‘Seriously, Mia. Do me a favour and keep it to yourself. You’ve no idea how hard this whole show-mance has been for me.’
At that moment the expression on her face changed. ‘For you? How hard this has been for you?’
‘Yeah. Sitting at home knowing you’re fooling around with another man, having to listen to total strangers talking about you and Billy like it’s some kind of fairytale romance.’
‘Oh and I suppose you think I’ve been enjoying the whole thing, do you?’
‘Well what am I supposed to think? You agreed to the show-mance. If it bothered you that much, you could have always said no.’
‘But I thought I explained to you why I agreed. Violet convinced me that I had to do it to publicize the film. And anyway, me and Billy were talking last night and—’
‘I told you already, Mia. I don’t want to hear what you and Billy were talking about.’
She folded her arms and glared at him across the hall. ‘Can I even get a word in edgeways here?’
‘You know, what really gets me,’ Leo steamed on, ‘is how much grief you gave me about being a paparazzo in the first place. That whole sob story about how us paps make things so difficult for you because you can never switch off and be yourself. Well it wasn’t the paps who dreamt up this show-mance, Mia.’
‘No but Violet would never have had the idea if you hadn’t taken those photos of me and Billy messing about on set. So you’re just as guilty as I am. If you hadn’t papped me that day then we wouldn’t be in this mess now.’
‘But we were only shooting what was happening anyway. Documenting reality, which is what paps are supposed to do. Revealing the truth behind the gloss that you guys show us. Not playing along with stupid fake fairytales.’
‘Hmpf! You think you’re so superior. But you basically invented this fairytale in the first place. Those pictures were set up to give the impression that me and Billy were together and that’s how the rumours started. That’s how the whole thing built up momentum – from a lie you told, not me.’
Leo was seething. She was blatantly a willing participant in the show-mance and now she was trying to blame it all on him. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. And to think that he’d even considered changing careers for her. At least he’d kept that quiet and hadn’t mentioned it to her – he certainly wasn’t going to mention it now.
‘And while we’re on the subject,’ she thundered on, ‘I don’t know why you’ve got it into your head that the paparazzi are some kind of crusaders for honesty. Because that’s baloney. There are plenty of paps who’ve played along with show-mances in the past.’
‘Well not this pap,’ he fumed. ‘This pap has integrity.’
She snorted. ‘Don’t make me laugh. A pap with integrity? There’s no such thing, Leo, and you know it. Are you seriously telling m
e you’ve never gone along to shoot some set-up that you’ve known has been fake . . . ?’
She had him stumped and he didn’t know how to reply. The problem was that he understood the points she was making but none of them made him feel any better. Still the jealousy, anger and humiliation raged inside him. And after everything he’d said, it was too late to back down.
‘And who’s acting superior now?’ he rallied. ‘You know, the way you celebrities talk you’d think you didn’t need us paps. But we’re your oxygen, Mia. Without us, how would you promote your films? Without us, how would you even exist?’
‘Your arrogance is astounding, Leo. And to think I ever found you attractive.’
‘Well your dishonesty astounds me, Mia. Just like every other star, you don’t know when to stop acting. You don’t even realize that by dreaming up this fake romance you’re just as bad as all the other celebs in town. All the Destiny Diaments or Shereen Spicers or Layla Lloyds. You’ve made a pact with the devil, Mia. From now on you’re fair game – and there’s no turning back.’
As he looked at her sad little face he realized how much he was hurting her. And it only made him hurt more. He loved her so much, more than he’d ever thought it was possible to love someone. All he wanted to do was gather her up in his arms, tell her he was sorry and that he really wanted to work things out. But he had to get this all off his chest or else he knew that it would gradually destroy him from the inside.
‘Look at us,’ he managed, a little calmer. ‘We’re right back where we started. Arguing about the same old stuff – you being a star and me being a pap. I don’t know, maybe this whole thing is just too big for us to fight.’
‘Is that what you think, Leo? Is that what you honestly think?’
‘I don’t know, Mia. Maybe these issues will always be there, yeah. Maybe we were stupid to ever think we could work this out. But I just can’t handle dishonesty, Mia. And I can’t live a lie.’
They stood looking at each other in silence. Leo wanted to reach out and touch her but it was almost as if he’d lost all power over his own body. However hard he tried, he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Instead, he put on his helmet and reached for the door handle.