by Matt Cain
‘I just need some time to think, Mia. To work out what to do for the best.’
‘OK,’ she managed.
He could see her bottom lip trembling and knew that she was about to cry. He couldn’t bear to see her suffer. He quickly opened the door.
‘I’ll see you soon,’ he said.
‘Yeah. See you soon.’
As he plodded down the steps, from inside the house he could hear Mia crying.
*
Mia cried so much she felt physically exhausted. She couldn’t remember crying so much since her mom had died. Or since her dad had left home when she was nine and she’d first had her heart broken.
As she replayed the confrontation with Leo over and over in her head, the whole thing started to feel unreal. She’d no idea how things had blown up into a full-scale argument so quickly or how the two of them had blurted out such hurtful things at each other. How had it all gone so wrong? And to think that she’d been looking forward to seeing Leo so she could tell him she was ending the show-mance.
As she gradually came round she realized she was sitting in a crumpled heap leaning against the back of the door. Slowly she picked herself up and straightened herself out. But as she stood up she was immediately hit by an overwhelming pang of hunger. There was no denying it – she was ravenous. She had to eat something and fast.
No sooner had the thought entered her head than she was being powered along to the kitchen by a force far stronger than herself. As soon as she got there the enormous fridge drew her towards it like a magnet while the adrenaline raced around her body. In just a few short minutes she’d turned into a woman possessed, possessed by a desperate need for a binge.
As she flung open the fridge door, almost breaking it off its hinges, her heart sank. She saw that it was crammed full of boring, healthy food. Everywhere she looked she saw celery, carrots, tofu and juices. Boring, boring, boring! She was devastated and sank to the floor in defeat.
Just then she remembered that she’d asked Hector to arrange for a huge box of Ramona’s favourite chocolates to be flown over from Mexico for her birthday. There was a particular brand she was crazy about; Mia couldn’t remember the name but she could remember ogling Ramona once as she’d devoured some in the kitchen and whinnied with delight. Her birthday wasn’t for a week or so but Hector was so organized Mia was sure he’d have got hold of the chocolates already – and stashed them somewhere in his office.
She raced through the house, banging into furniture, knocking over a vase of flowers and almost stepping on one of the cats. She crashed into the office and yanked open Hector’s top drawer with such force that she pulled it free of the desk. Aftershave, condoms, packet after packet of chewing gum – but no chocolates.
She riffled through the other drawers and tipped everything onto the floor – still nothing. She went through piles of papers on the desk, tossing documents into the air. Magazines, photos of Hector’s family, some kind of inflatable rubber ball that could have been either a stress buster or a sex toy. But where are the damn chocolates?
Her need to eat chocolate was by now so desperate she thought she was going to explode. She wondered if it had driven her temporarily insane. She felt so wired that it wouldn’t have surprised her if her hair was standing on end. Whatever was going on, if she didn’t find the chocolate soon she was going to be in serious trouble.
She thrust her hands into the trash can and began rooting around for something to satisfy her craving. A discarded candy bar, an old boiled sweet – anything would do. But all she found were snotty tissues, used dental floss and a clump of what looked like pubic hair.
She resisted the urge to scream out loud in hopeless frustration. But out of her mouth escaped a desperate, primal growl. She could feel the tears welling up again as she dropped to the floor in the middle of a room that now looked like some kind of war zone. Her nerves were frazzled and her spirit shattered.
Just then she spotted a plastic bag hanging on the back of the door with some words written on it in Spanish. She leapt up and ripped it off the hook. Inside she found a huge box of Mexican chocolates.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!
She began tearing at the cellophane but couldn’t get it off. Her heart was pounding and her hands were white and shaking. Her nails slid over the wrapping but couldn’t rip into it. She didn’t think she could bear it much longer.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!
In went a nail and off came the wrapping.
She tore off the lid and grabbed a fistful of chocolates. As she thrust them into her mouth she couldn’t help groaning out loud. They tasted amazing.
As soon as she’d swallowed the first mouthful she thrust in more. And then more and then more. Within minutes she was on such an intense high she couldn’t think straight. What is it that I got upset about in the first place? She remembered her bust-up with Leo and shovelled in more chocolates.
Pretty soon she’d worked her way through half the huge box. Of course she couldn’t give Ramona a half-full box of chocolates for her birthday so she decided she might as well finish them. Hector would have plenty of time to order more.
As the delicious cream-filled milk chocolate slid down her throat, she thought back to the very first time she’d had a food binge. She’d been nine years old and her dad had just left home. To try and cheer up her distraught mom, Mia had saved up her pocket money and bought her a big box of her favourite chocolates. The two of them had sat on the sofa and gorged on them together, instantly feeling better. And as they did so, Mia had felt closer to her mom than she ever had done. The experience had been so comforting that the two of them had soon begun regular binges – and Mia had struggled to break her addiction ever since.
Her soul plummeted with grief as she realized just how much she missed her mom. Her head might have been buzzing from the sugar rush but her whole body felt like a dead weight.
What would Mom think about my argument with Leo?
Would she tell me I’ve been stupid to fall for him?
Would she think I’ve let her down?
Her chin began to wobble and she crammed in more chocolates.
As she worked the gorgeous gooey mixture around her mouth, two big tears trickled down her cheeks.
Then she surprised herself with a feeling she hadn’t experienced since she was a young girl. She realized that she also missed her dad. And it hit her in the heart with a heavy thud. Her whole body began shaking with grief and the tears flowed freely.
All the feelings of sadness, anger and abandonment that had collided in her as a child came rushing back and swirled around her head. But despite the pain, she found herself wishing her Dad was with her now. Whenever she’d been upset as a child he’d caught her tears and taken them out into the garden to give to the rosebush. He always said that even when she cried she was his special girl – and that her tears would make the roses even more beautiful.
As she thought back to his words now her face twisted into a warped, melting mess. The last thing she felt was beautiful.
Her dad had broken her heart all those years ago and now Leo was breaking it all over again. And she was staggered by how much it hurt.
She reached for the last of the chocolates and thrust them into her mouth.
*
Blasting down the PCH, Leo revved up his motorbike and glanced at the speedometer. He knew that he was already way over the limit but all he wanted to do was ride faster and faster.
He was so angry about what had happened – angry at himself for hurting Mia, angry at Mia for hurting him and angry at the world for hurting them both. The injustice of it all set off a combustive reaction inside him. If they both loved each other then why did it have to be so difficult? It was just so unfair.
He twisted the handlebar and shot forward. But even through his haze of anger he could tell that however fast he went he wouldn’t be able to escape his feelings. And right now he was feeling none of the joy he usually experienced
when burning along on his bike. On the contrary; it was only making him more miserable.
Just then he was struck by a feeling that surprised him. For the first time since arriving in LA he felt homesick. And it was so unexpected that he didn’t know how to react.
Oh what am I doing here? he thought. Am I just kidding myself that this is where I belong? Or have I been pretending the whole time – pretending to be someone I’m not?
He remembered that he’d accused Mia of acting all the time and wondered if he was guilty of the same thing. Had he been trying to live out his own fake fairytale by reinventing himself here in LA? And if so, who was the real Leo Henderson?
He slowed down as he thought back to his home in suburban England and the family he’d left behind. All right, it might not have been the most exciting set-up in the world but they were good people and they loved him. All this time had he been trying to escape them? Had he spent the last five years riding away from who he was?
He turned off the road at the next exit and pulled over by a strip of scrubland. He felt awash with gloom. But all of a sudden he had an idea about how to lift it.
*
The doorbell rang, jolting Mia back to reality. She emerged from her daze and realized that she was lying on the office floor surrounded by debris and a huge, empty box of chocolates. She sat up and felt like she was going to be sick.
The doorbell rang again and she remembered that Cole was coming round for her final workout before the premiere the next day. Shit, shit, shit! This was the last thing she needed. And it was the last thing she wanted after everything Leo had said to her about sacrificing too much for her career.
She stood up and pulled the office door closed guiltily. She couldn’t possibly let Cole witness the undignified aftermath of her frenzied meltdown. She buzzed him through the gates and quickly checked herself in the mirror. She looked terrible. She wiped a smear of chocolate from her chin and did her best to brighten her eyes.
‘Hey, girlfriend!’
Cole was wearing pink spangly hot pants and skipped into the house with a huge grin. It was obvious that he was in exactly the opposite mood to Mia. She felt her stomach lurch but did her best to fake a smile and kissed him on both cheeks.
Are you OK, Mia?’ he asked. ‘You don’t look too good.’
‘Oh no, I’m fine,’ she struggled, failing to look him in the eye. ‘It’s just been one of those days, you know.’
As he led her through to the garden he began squeaking away excitedly about his hot new boyfriend. He explained that he’d now been dating someone for a month but last night they’d told each other they were in love and finally ready to go public. Cole’s new man was outrageous comedian turned actor Scott Lamont, who Mia had last seen at Cooper Kelly’s birthday party. She remembered Billy saying something about Scott being snide and sniffy around him, probably because he suspected he was gay. But the way Cole was talking about him now, he didn’t sound remotely snide or sniffy; he sounded like the perfect man and Cole’s absolute soulmate. Just as Leo had seemed to her. She felt overwhelmed by a surge of melancholy.
‘Honestly, girlfriend,’ he gushed, ‘I think he’s The One. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. But when you know – you just know.’
‘That’s so brilliant, Cole,’ Mia managed.
‘Isn’t it? And isn’t it fabulous that me and you have got ourselves hot new men at the same time?’
She looked at him, puzzled. How could he know about Leo?
‘You know,’ he bounced on, ‘you’ve got Billy and I’ve got Scott.’ He flung his arms around her and gave her a hug. ‘Oh I’m so happy, Mia – for both of us!’
Mia smiled thinly. Her stomach gurgled and she hoped he hadn’t heard it. At some point she knew she was going to throw up.
‘Are you sure you’re OK, Mia?’
‘Yeah,’ she croaked. ‘I guess I’m just a bit nervous about the premiere tomorrow.’
As soon as she’d said it Cole began bouncing on the spot. ‘Well it’s a good job I’m here then, isn’t it?’
Again she smiled feebly.
‘Come on, girlfriend – let’s kick some ass!’
He bounded over to the sound system and put on a Lady Gaga dance remix at full blast.
Mia felt her stomach spasm and knew she couldn’t put it off any longer.
‘I’m sorry Cole, I—’
She ran to the bathroom and flung the door closed behind her.
Without a moment to lose she heaved the contents of her stomach into the toilet. She’d forgotten how much it hurt to vomit and was taken aback by the physical pain. It wasn’t helped by the emotional turmoil raging inside her. She felt utterly wretched.
She heaved and heaved and wondered how on earth she’d ended up here, crouched over a toilet bowl hurling up the contents of a mammoth chocolate binge while Lady Gaga played at full volume outside. None of it seemed real; it was as if it wasn’t happening to her. Except it was.
Oh how did everything go so wrong?
As she thought back once again to her bust-up with Leo, she couldn’t help feeling angry and frustrated. The more she thought about it, the more she realized that both of them wanted the same thing: to go public with their relationship and openly celebrate the way they felt about each other. But for some reason all their feelings had come out wrong. And now she felt stunned by what had happened. Had she just gone and lost Leo?
Was this it? Had she just been dumped?
*
‘On my head, son!’
Standing on the sidelines Leo couldn’t help smiling. He was at a sports field watching the British Bulldogs in training.
‘Pass it here, mate!’
‘Good ball!’
The Bulldogs were an amateur soccer team made up of expats who played in the Santa Monica Sunday League. They weren’t the most athletic group of men Leo had ever seen but they were all getting stuck in – and obviously really enjoying themselves.
‘What a beauty!’ boomed one as he scored a goal.
‘Get in!’ cheered his team-mates.
So much of what Leo was witnessing reminded him of home. The sound of the ball hitting the players’ shoes, the occasional whistle of the referee, and the Digestive biscuits and Walkers cheese and onion crisps that were laid out on a table ready for half-time. Admittedly, the team were playing on Astroturf rather than grass so weren’t wearing football boots but trainers, or sneakers as Americans call them. And, of course, rather than the dull grey skies Leo remembered from his childhood in Watford, the pitch here in LA was illuminated by the glow of yet another sun-drenched day. But none of this mattered to Leo – it was the perfect cure for his homesickness.
One of the players passed a ball to his team-mate, who then left hooked it into the net.
‘Goal!’
Leo grinned as his mind jumped back to his childhood. On the pitch he saw himself playing while his dad stood loyally on the sidelines cheering him on. Every Sunday his dad had taken him to football – as well as training sessions after school during the week. It must have been a real bind for him but he never grumbled and always beamed with pride whenever Leo scored a goal. Leo had loved making his dad happy. He felt a stray rumble of homesickness.
‘All right, kid? How do?’
He was interrupted by the Yorkshire twang of a middle-aged man who introduced himself as Tomo, the team manager. He looked uncannily like Rod Hull and had hair like the wire wool Leo’s mum used to clean pans with. He stepped forward to shake Leo’s hand.
‘Fancy a kick-about?’
Leo frowned. ‘Erm, I’m not sure really, I just thought I’d come and have a look to be honest.’
‘Well you’re very welcome. We could always do with more lads in the squad.’
‘Oh thanks but I think I’ll just watch for a bit if that’s OK. It’s been one of those days.’
Tomo nodded with a smile. ‘All right, kid. Well, you know where we are if you change your mind.’
�
�Cheers, mate. Thanks.’
As he trotted off, Leo wondered why he was so reluctant to join in. He’d come ready for action, dressed in shorts and T-shirt – a Watford FC strip his dad had sent him for one of his birthdays but which he’d tossed into a bottom drawer and almost forgotten about. When he was little the two of them had watched their local team play every weekend; father and son wrapped up in scarves and hats in their team colours, cheering and chanting from the stands and sneaking in a cheeky pie at half-time. Leo had loved it. So why had he been running away from it ever since?
OK, so life in the English suburbs wasn’t as exciting as the glamour of Hollywood. But however he felt about it, it would always be part of him. Right now, he felt guilty for having put so much distance between his present and his past – his new life in LA and his old life in England. And if he had spent the last five years riding away from Watford then he wasn’t sure why.
He’d always told himself that his parents’ lives were too gentle for him, that settling down in the suburbs would be uninspiring and mediocre and that he was looking for more excitement and intensity in his life. But now that he thought about it, he wasn’t sure whether he’d done the right thing after all. With Mia he thought he’d found everything he’d been looking for. And he’d never felt such intense, overwhelming happiness. But now he was questioning whether he’d imagined himself to be so happy – and whether the two of them had been acting their way through just another fairytale in a city that was built on imitation and pretence.
He began stretching his legs and warming up his calf muscles.
Life in Watford might not be too exciting, he thought, but at least it’s real.
He clapped his hands and jogged onto the pitch.
*
It was late at night and Serena was exhausted. That afternoon she’d endured another long dutiful lunch with Mitchell’s hyper-intellectual parents, which had left her feeling typically out of her depth and down on herself. She’d then spent most of the evening on the phone to a distraught Mia, consoling her about her showdown with Leo and trying to make her feel less bad about bingeing her way through it. If only that were all she had to worry about . . .