Surrender to Marriage

by Sandra Field

  Within half an hour Jake was closing the door behind them. “Hungry?” he said shrewdly.

  Daniel gave a great sigh. “Once I paid for my ticket, I didn’t have enough money left for food.”

  “Come into the kitchen and we’ll see what we can find.”

  Daniel demolished a pizza, two glasses of milk, a banana and four cookies. Eying Jake warily, he said, “Can I call my mum?”

  “She knows you’re here. I’d rather talk to you first.”

  “You gotta change her mind!” Daniel burst out.

  “Explain yourself.”

  “She told me you guys were together in Montreal and that you’d asked her to marry you but she said no. I don’t get it—she likes you okay, why won’t she marry you?”

  “You came all this way to ask me that?”

  Daniel slumped in his chair, scowling at the table. “I want her and you to get married.”

  Suppressing the urge to smooth the frown from his son’s face, Jake said, “Why, Daniel?”

  “All the other kids, their parents are married.”

  “So you want to be the same as everyone else?” Jake said gently. “Is that it?”

  Systematically, Daniel was cracking his knuckles. Almost inaudibly, he mumbled, “I want a father.”

  A father. Trying hard to keep any emotion out of his voice, Jake said, “Would anyone do?”

  Daniel looked up, his blue eyes full of misery. “You’re my father. You’re the one I want.”

  Jake stood up, lifted Daniel to his feet and put his arms around him. As the boy started to cry, he held him tightly, his heart overflowing with love, his own eyes pricking with tears. He said unsteadily, “I want to be a real father to you, Daniel. More than I can say.”

  Daniel looked up, scrubbing at his wet cheeks. “Then you gotta change her mind,” he repeated unanswerably.

  Jake ruffled the boy’s hair, opting for one part of the truth. “She believes she can’t take you away from the cove. Your home’s there, your uncles, the hockey team…so she thinks you both have to live there.”

  “That’s kinda dumb,” Daniel said slowly.

  “But it is your home…want some pop?”

  “Yeah, thanks.” The boy’s brow furrowed. “I liked being here in the city. The cove’s not the same since we went away with you—it’s smaller, like.”

  Jake knew the feeling. He said calmly, “We were on vacation, remember, Daniel. It wasn’t real life, the day-today stuff like going to school in a big city where you don’t know anyone.”

  Daniel shrugged. “I’m cool at making friends. And I can fight if I have to. Uncle Padric taught me some down and dirty stuff in case I ever needed it. Some of the kids used to call Mum names ’cause she’s not married—so I had to show ’em I wouldn’t stand for that.”

  Hit by a wave of huge remorse, Jake said, “I’m sorry you had to do that.”

  “No big deal.” Daniel’s face lit up. “I could maybe go to those practices if we lived here.”

  “You could be on the team,” Jake said. “The coach called me afterward, they’re always on the lookout for new talent.”

  “If we lived here, we’d go back to the cove sometimes, wouldn’t we?”

  “Of course we would. But it might not be the same—you’d grow away from your friends and their lives would go on without you.”

  “Mum liked being away, too. She could do more glass stuff here than she can back home.”

  Jake knew he wasn’t going to discuss with his son Shaine’s determination never to marry anyone, least of all himself. “I’ll talk to your mother, I promise—she’s on her way here now, I arranged for the jet to pick her up in Deer Lake. I want both of you to see my place in the Hamptons, it’s where I go when I need to get out of the city.”

  “Another house?” Daniel said, wide-eyed.

  Refusing to be deflected, Jake said, “She was upset when you ran away. Which brings me to what else I have to say. Running away doesn’t solve anything, Daniel. I ran away from the cove thirteen years ago, and robbed the three of us of all those years we could have had together. This time, it turned out fine for you—but you frightened your mother very badly, and I won’t tolerate that.”

  “I forged her signature on a letter, snuck into the lawyer’s office and put his seal on it,” Daniel said in a rush. “He leaves it sitting on his desk all the time. That’s how I got across the border.”

  True confessions, thought Jake, the rebel in his own spirit rather impressed by the boy’s enterprise. “You must never do that again,” he said sternly, and knew this as another of those moments when he crossed into the country called fatherhood. “Promise?”

  “Yeah, I promise…she’ll be mad,” Daniel said gloomily.

  But the first thing Shaine did when Jake and Daniel met his plane at the airport was to fling her arms around her son and hold him so tightly he could scarcely breathe. Then she looked right at him, blinking back tears, and said fiercely, “You lied to me. You frightened me out of my wits. If you ever even think of running away again, Daniel Seamus O’Sullivan, I’ll throw you into ten fathoms of water trussed up in a herring net.”

  “Sorry, Mum,” Daniel gulped.

  “You’d better be sorry. The coach has grounded you for the next three games.”

  As Daniel’s face fell, she said, “Running away is the coward’s way out. No O’Sullivan is a coward. Neither is a Reilly. You’d do well to remember that.”

  “Dad said the same thing.”

  Dad… The small word hung in the air. Shaine saw Jake’s face change, and felt one more strand tightening around her. She wasn’t going to ask Daniel why he’d run away. She knew the answer already. He wanted more of Jake than she was willing to provide.

  Jake said calmly, “We’re heading for my place in the Hamptons, Shaine, I want you and Daniel to see it. There’s a snack in the car to hold you over until we get there.”

  “It’s a Ferrari, Mum. A silver Ferrari. I sat in the front seat on the way to the airport, but you can have it now.”

  Recognizing this both as amends and a real sacrifice, Shaine did sit in the front as they worked their way west to Route 27 and the South Fork of Long Island. Neither she nor Jake had much to say to each other. His jawline had never looked so uncompromising, his profile so un-yielding. She tried to steel herself against the conflict she knew was coming; and, with an equal lack of success, against the charm of historic whaling villages, the long stretch of pale sand, and the increasingly luxurious homes of New York’s wealthy.

  But it was Jake’s house that captivated her. It was set in a small inlet, with its own secluded beach and mooring, yet with access to the rolling Atlantic surf. The house with its mansard roof, stone facings and mullioned windows twinkling in the setting sun seemed to welcome her with open arms. Late roses scented the air around the heavy oak door; the gardens called to the artist within her.

  Jake said casually, “Do you like it?”

  “I love it,” she breathed. “It’s beautiful.”

  She meant it, he thought in deep relief. “I’ve only had the place three years. I haven’t spent as much time as I should have on the interior…let’s go in.” He then took them on a quick tour. The sunroom overlooking the ocean; the vast attic that would make an ideal studio; the balcony off the master bedroom with its view of scarlet maples and spruce on the far shore and the smooth waters of the inlet: all the while, he watched Shaine’s dazzled face.

  He wanted her here in the house that had called to him from the first moment he’d seen it.

  He was going to do his utmost to get what he wanted.

  The housekeeper had left pasta, fresh rolls and salad for dinner, with a delicious fruit flan. By the time they’d eaten, Daniel was openly yawning, and made no protest when Jake took him upstairs. “Your mum’s next door,” Jake said easily, “and I’m down the hall. We’ll have to head back tomorrow so you don’t miss any more school. Sleep well, son.”

  Daniel grinned, pun
ched him lightly on the arm and closed the door of his room. Jake went downstairs. Shaine was sitting in the octagonal alcove by the herb garden, the gurgle of the creek falling softly through the open window. He pulled her to her feet. Letting his heart spill over into his kiss, he held her close. “I’ve been wanting to do that ever since you stepped off the jet,” he said. “You’ve had a long day, Shaine.”

  She tilted her head back, her green eyes challenging. “It’s not over yet, is it?”

  He sat down across from her, pouring himself another glass of wine. A normal, romantic proposal of marriage was out of the question. Shaine didn’t love him. Choosing his words, he said, “Daniel’s running away was a wake-up call. You heard him call me Dad—he wants a regular family, a mother and a father who are married to each other and live together.”

  “We don’t always get what we want,” she said evenly.

  Jake quelled a flicker of rage. “In this case, we can give him what he wants. You’ll marry me, Shaine.”

  “I won’t!”

  As if she hadn’t spoken, he went on, “The condo would be our home base. I can easily cut back on the amount of traveling I do, so that I’m around to be a proper, live-in father. You could have a studio out here, and rent another one in the city, if you need to. You’re more than ready for change artistically, you know that as well as I do.”

  “Are you trying to buy me?”

  “I’m merely listing the advantages to you of a step that’s inevitable.”

  “Daniel belongs in Cranberry Cove. Not here.”

  “I talked to him about that today, too. He’s been seeing the cove with different eyes since our trip, and he’s more than willing to try something new.”

  She paled. “Leave his uncles and all his friends?”

  “We can go back for visits anytime, and there’s no reason your three brothers can’t visit us here. Daniel assured me he’s good at making friends, and thanks to Padric he knows how to stave off bullies. Despite his escapade this weekend, he’s got a good head on his shoulders—he’s a credit to you.”

  “Jake, this is all very clever of you,” she blazed, “but you’re forgetting one thing. I don’t want to get married.”

  “But we don’t always get what we want—didn’t you just say that?”

  Her breath hissed between her teeth. “Just you listen to me for a minute—and listen hard because I’m only saying this once. I’ve never told you what it was like for me after you left. The very first days, when I kept expecting you to call or write, and you didn’t—when I started to wonder what you’d meant by the word love. Worrying about my mother as she went through surgery. Then realizing my cycle was off, and going to see Doc. Pregnant and abandoned—what a cliché that is, and how horribly lonely and frightening it is when you’re actually living through it. Not telling my parents until my mother had finished the radiation.”

  Because it was suddenly imperative to know, Jake said, “Did you ever think of an abortion?” As she shook her head vehemently, he added, “Why not?”

  She looked at him as though he had two heads. “It was our baby, Jake. Yours and mine.”

  “So you did love me,” he said slowly.

  She sighed, gazing down at her hands and knowing it was time for the truth. “Yes, I did. I lied to you on Ghost Island all those years ago because I didn’t know how else to send you away. And I’ve been lying to you ever since you came back. I loved you with all my heart…probably from that day you found me crying about Sally Hatchet’s birthday party.”

  Jake felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from his chest. “I wish you’d told me the truth…back then, and more recently.”

  “I did what I thought was best.”

  She hadn’t told him why she’d lied. “What happened when your parents found out you were pregnant?”

  “They insisted I go off to university and that they’d bring the baby up. They knew it wouldn’t fool anyone in the cove—but they also knew how desperate I was to get away. By the end of the summer, the specialist said Mum’s prognosis was good. So off I went. Daniel was born very conveniently in the March break. My mother took him home and I went back to classes. For two whole weeks I went to lectures and passed in assignments and tried to put my heart into it.”

  Her voice shook in spite of herself. “But I couldn’t live without Daniel. So I phoned them and said I was coming home to stay. They weren’t very happy with me but they knew I meant it. The next day was the accident, and the rest you know.”

  “If only I could undo my actions,” Jake said in a low voice. “If only I’d been there for you, Shaine.”

  She was playing with her fork, strain in every line of her body. “I’m not finished. My pregnancy should have been joyful—but instead it was full of anxiety and unhappiness. When I went into labor and you weren’t there, I’ve never felt such a black loneliness. When our son was born, you weren’t at my side. Jake, don’t you see? The scars went deep. Too deep. And then the death of my parents meant that in the midst of mourning them I had to stay in the cove and bring up my brothers and my son. I did it, to the best of my ability. But it cost me. I can’t just turn back the clock and say, Sure, I’ll marry you, Jake, and I’ll trust you to be there for me for the rest of my life. The betrayal went too deep.”

  She was telling truths that were all too real; his heart cold, Jake said, “When did you fall out of love with me?”

  She got up, going to stand by the window, her fingers restlessly playing with the iron catch. “That didn’t just happen—I worked at it. As Daniel grew up, I had a constant reminder of you in front of me every moment of every day. The same blue eyes, the same dark hair. I couldn’t afford to stay in love with you, it was too painful. So I killed my love for you. I deliberately banished it from my life. It was the only way I could survive.”

  Jake gazed down at his clenched fists, the tendons tight as overstretched rope. He was too late. That’s what she was saying. Years too late. And how could he blame her for doing everything within her power in order to survive?

  Moving like a much older man, he got up, too. Standing behind her, he looked out into the shadowed garden, his hands heavy on her shoulders. He couldn’t give up. He wouldn’t. She was too important. Too essential. “I can’t prove I’ll always be there for you,” he said. “The only way to do that is for the two of us to live together for the rest of our lives. But I swear by all that’s holy that I’ll never abandon you again. Never.”

  Her head drooped, her nape a pale, vulnerable curve. “Something died in me all those years ago. I can’t bring it to life again just because you and Daniel want me to.”

  He was losing her. Jake tightened his grip, swinging her around to face him. “We can’t think about ourselves here. This is about Daniel.”

  “He and I were doing fine until you came back!”

  He fought down pain coupled with an anger that was directed at himself as much as at her. “We’re going to get married, Shaine. We’ll share a bed and a life and our son. There’s no other choice.”

  “You’re still in love with me,” she said stonily. “You’ll get hurt.”

  “Let me worry about that.” He managed a smile. “There are those who’d say I deserved it.”

  “It doesn’t feel right, Jake,” she whispered. “It just doesn’t feel right.”

  With all the force of his willpower, he said, “It will. It has to. I love you so much, and we both love our son.” He dropped his arms to his sides, his fists clenched in frustration. “If only I could take you to bed right now and just hold on to you…but I can’t, not with Daniel here.”

  “No, you can’t,” she said steadily.

  “We’ll get married at the cove. In a week. I’ll look after all the paperwork.”

  “You’re riding over me as though I don’t exist!”

  “I don’t know what else to do.” Which was, he thought unhappily, the simple truth. For a mathematical genius who’d made several fortunes, he was doing one
hell of a poor job in the emotional department. He added with savage emphasis, “I can’t bear the thought of Daniel being bullied in the schoolyard.”

  Her shoulders slumped. “That’s what really counts, isn’t it? Daniel.” Staring out of the window into the darkness, as though the dense shadows of the trees might offer her a place to hide, she said tonelessly, “You win. We’ll tell Daniel tomorrow morning.”

  But as Jake reached out for her, she flinched away from him. Her gesture tore him to the heart. You’ll get hurt, she’d said. He hadn’t expected she’d be proven right so soon and so painfully.

  “Go to bed, Shaine,” he said. “You look exhausted.”

  He watched her trail out of the room; and perhaps the most painful realization of all was that he’d crushed her spirit. Defeated her.

  He’d gotten what he wanted. But at what cost?

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  ONE week later, the day before Jake was due to arrive to marry her, Shaine found herself unable to stay in the house with her own thoughts a minute longer. She’d been cooped up all day because a storm was raging outside; according to the radio, it was the tail end of a hurricane. She was quite prepared to believe this from the violence of wind and rain that had battered the village all day.

  She had the house to herself; Daniel had been invited to Art’s birthday party, and was to stay overnight at Mary and Hardy’s. Dragging on her rain jacket, she found her rubber boots. She’d go as far as the woodshed and watch the surf for a while. Maybe it would calm her down.

  If she was a normal, sensible woman, she’d stay in her kitchen and make herself a cup of tea. The radio had also claimed this was the worst storm in years.

  Nature’s excesses had always beckoned her; and hadn’t some of her best work come from pushing her limits both outdoors and in?

  Marrying Jake was pushing her limits.

  Scowling, she pushed open the door, grabbed it as it tried to fly out of her hand, and jammed it shut behind her. Pellets of rain and driven spray stung her face; the wind flattened her jacket to her body. Head down, she pushed her way toward the woodshed, already feeling better. At least here she knew what she was struggling against.