A Broken Beautiful Beginning

by Sophie Summers

  “I've never brought it up before because I thought it was irrelevant, we were back together and I thought I could just put it to the back of my mind and just forget about it....but I can’t Caleb, I need to know.” I almost whisper the last words.

  He kneels in front of me and moves his hands to pull me to him but I back away. I need space, I know if he holds me and I’m surrounded by his warmth and smell I’ll cave and nothing he says will matter. I need my space and I need a clear head. Truth is... at this point I don’t even care if he tells me that he was with her or that they were dating, I just need him to tell me the truth.

  “Baby...” I can tell how much it hurts him that I don't want to feel his touch right now.

  “I wasn’t with her. We were never together. In the weeks following the party, she wouldn't leave me alone. She was everywhere. I was sure she was following me and I even suspected that she broke into my apartment as well. It was little things and I could never quite be sure enough to pin anything on her, but it was enough to creep me the fuck out. I confronted her, told her we were never gonna happen and told her I would go to her parents and the police if she didn't stop harassing me. I think that scared her enough; Ashley wouldn't of wanted Daddy's bank account to run dry on her and she backed off after that. I kept my distance from her over the years, whenever she was around, I made sure I wasn’t. I can’t stand the girl. The week before you saw us she started calling me out of the blue. All of a sudden she wanted to talk to me and clear things between us, she said something about turning over a new leaf and that she planned on getting in touch with you too.” I rolled my eyes not believing that one little bit.

  “I swear, Harley. That’s what she said; I didn’t believe it either but she wouldn’t stop calling and showing up wherever I was so I caved in and told her to meet me at the park music festival. I wanted to be in a public place surrounded by a ton of people in case she tried something stupid. We spoke for no more than five minutes and I knew I needed a drink. She told me that she was in love and dating this heavily Christian dude. He heard about her high school reputation and what she did to her best friend and had broken up with her. What she did apparently had haunted her, she missed you and wanted to know if I knew where you were so she could make things right. That’s how far the conversation got when I saw you and Willow.” He says determinedly making sure I hear every single word.

  “So you two weren't together or hooking up or anything like that?” I say.

  “No baby, but shit you know Ashley; always playing games with people's lives. She knew about Willow and still stood there acting surprised, so who the fuck knows what her motives were. All I can tell you is, Ashley never has and never will have any part of me... only you have that baby.” He shakes his head. I let out a deep breath, one thing off my chest.

  “Okay... best you start telling me exactly what’s going on between you and Avery then?” I whisper.

  He sits down in front of me and spreads his legs pulling me between them so that I’m closer into his warmth, face to face, I allow him to hold me this time... needing his touch.

  “Nothing’s happening between us baby. Avery’s father treats her like shit, he isn’t good for her and she wants him out of the picture. I know that she thought working with her on this would bring us closer again, but if anything it only made things worse. She knows you’re my girl, I love you so much Harley, no one would or could ever replace you. I know what I did with Avery was wrong, the way we acted in front of you must have messed up your head but you’ve gotta trust me on this. I didn’t ever touch her like that. You’re the only girl for me… you’re it!” He speaks with such honesty and determination.

  “I’m so sorry I hurt you.” I look back up to the cut on his head.

  His lips move and a little smile forms.

  “What?” I ask confused.

  “I’m so proud of you for getting away on your own.” His smile drops as if a thought comes to his mind. He then says. “I’m so sorry I didn’t get to you fast enough... I saw him, saw his hands...” he looks down my body and he almost cringes. “How he was touching you, how you were begging him to stop. God Harlz, I’m so sorry.” He lets out a deep breath, running his hands through his hair. I replace his hands with mine and gently run them through his hair. He closes his eyes and leans into my touch and I feel him relax beneath me.

  I speak over the sound of the waves behind me. “No more keeping things from one another. No matter how hard it is to talk about something. We talk! We have to talk to each other Caleb. You can’t continue to keep things from me, in the hope of protecting me. I don’t care whether its club business, you tell me everything. I’m a big girl, I can cope with it, but if you plan on putting that club before Willow and I then this relationship is over. I’ve watched my father put the club in front of me for too long now, I won’t allow it to happen to Willow.” He quickly nods his head.

  “I love you Harley, I know I keep fucking this up and breaking your trust. You probably don’t believe me when I tell you that I won’t do it again, but I’m telling you now… I’ll do whatever it takes to make you trust me again. I honestly saw it as keeping you and Willow safe, but I realise now that you don’t see it that way. I don’t want to keep things from you Harley, I fucking hate it but I didn’t have a choice in the matter. I’m sorry, okay?” he says softly.

  “Have you been fighting the entire time we’ve been together?” I don’t wait for a response before I start rambling again. “That arena or whatever the fuck it is under the gym? Why would you keep something like that from me Caleb and why the hell was Avery there? Is she there for all your fights?” I don’t care how jealous I sound right now I want to know everything. I’ve been sitting here thinking of all the shit he’s pulled, trying to figure out whether it’s even worth staying with him. I don’t want to leave him, I need him as much as he needs me but we have to work things out between us in order for us to move on.

  He turns his head and looks back at the ocean. “I wasn’t supposed to fight that night. I don’t fight anymore, just train a few guys and watch over the fights. That fucker in the ring had a big mouth and was spouting off shit about how he could knock me out in one go. My ego got the better of me and I wanted to prove him wrong, so I jumped in the ring. I was there that night to have a meeting with your father and Avery to figure out how she was going to get me into her father’s club. We couldn’t have her at the club house and since the fights are so secretive and by invitation only, I knew it was a good idea to have the meeting there. People would be too fixated on what was going on in the ring to notice anything else.”

  I see the tension return to his taut shoulders as he speaks. “I was so ashamed baby, you think so highly of me. You think I’m so fucking perfect but you have no idea what I went through those four years you weren’t in my life. The things I did. The things I had to do. You still see me as the kid you grew up with and started to love, but I’m not that boy anymore. So much has changed and I promise you I tried so hard to be him, but I can’t…I just can’t.” He says so sadly, looking down at our entwined hands.

  “I just want you Caleb, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. We’ve both changed; the difference is I’ve been honest about what’s happened to me, you kept everything to yourself.”

  “I know and I’m sorry, but at the time I couldn’t figure out a way to tell you everything…” he says quietly.

  “Then tell me now Caleb, explain it to me! I want to know what’s going on in that head of yours. I need to know what happened during the time we were separated and I want to know about Avery. I want to know how you two met. Talk to me Caleb… please.” I say softly leaning closer to him as he turns his eyes to look down at me. “Please…” I repeat and he nods his head and starts.

  “About three years ago, I won a fight but my opponent had really messed me up. My head was throbbing and I was pretty sure he’d broke my nose. While I was washing the blood off my face I heard whimpering in one of the stalls followed
by a man’s grunts. I bent down to see two sets of legs, one male and one female. I was the only one in the bathroom at the time and I just thought the two of them were just getting busy. When I heard sobbing and a deep voice telling the girl to keep quiet I lost it. I slammed on the door and told the fucker to get out. He came out with a smile on his face, the guy was totally out of it, I’m not sure what he was even on but it wasn’t alcohol. I remember him asking me if I wanted a go with the whore, he didn’t get to finish the sentence because my fists were already slamming into his face. The guy only lasted two punches before he was out cold. Before I turned towards the crying girl in the toilet stall I remember seeing the patch he wore and the words “The Stowaways” that took up most of the leather. The girl in the stall was curled up in a ball, her hair was jet black at the time and her makeup was running down her face from her tears. I bent down in front of her and asked her if she needed to go to the police or the hospital. It was as if a switch suddenly clicked in side of her and she wiped away her tears and cleared her throat. She told me she didn’t need my help and to fuck off before standing up on wobbly legs and walking away. I was so confused; I couldn’t understand what had just happened. The fucker that raped her was still out cold on the floor and I happily left him there. After that night, every fight I had I looked out for her to make sure she was okay. Each and every time I found her she had a guy rockin’ the same patch as the one before, with his hands all over her. It was… I think… maybe the sixth fight after that when I found her in the alley behind the club I was fighting in. She was beat up pretty bad and she was as high as a fucking kite. I took her home, cleaned her up and she finally told me that her name was Avery. It was hard trying to get her to open up to me but after she drank a whole bottle of vodka she started talking. She told me about her father’s club and how he made her entertain all his prospects, how her father treated her and how her younger brother was headed in the same direction as her dad. She went on to explain how she was struggling with sticking around having to watch, so she spent her time getting high and drunk. Avery agreed to stay with me until she was all healed and during those few months we grew close. She had trouble being intimate due to all the shit she was put through and well… I guess I had problems with intimacy too. We tried taking things further a couple times, a few times we could go through with it but most times either one or the other had to stop. We never had sex though.” He says firmly holding my hand tight in his as he looks me dead in the eye. I don’t want to think about them being intimate in any way, but the fact that my heart was hurting for Avery forced me to move pass the jealously. I blink away the tears gesturing for Caleb to continue.

  “I told her all about you and what I did to you. Sometimes she would get jealous and I think in a way she wanted to be you. She died her hair back to her natural blond and started dressing differently. It was good in the beginning but she couldn’t keep up the act. I don’t know how I can define the relationship we had, but I guess we were dating for those nine months. I grew to care about her but I couldn’t love her, she just wasn’t you Harley. I wanted to help her, get her sober but she kept going back to her father’s compound and would come back high with bruises all over her. I knew the only reason she went back there was because of the drugs. I was so afraid she would overdose somewhere and I wouldn’t even know. The relationship was causing too much strain on me and I told her she needed to get professional help, I even booked her into this fancy rehabilitation centre and she was all set to go. I woke up the next morning and she was gone. I didn’t hear from her until two months later when she showed up to another fight. She told me about how scared she had been to go to rehab and that she thought I deserved better than her. I think she had finally realized what being with her was doing to me and that’s why she had left. We remained friends after that and spoke often, but then she kept showing up at my place drugged up and crying. I couldn’t bear to watch her doing this to herself any longer so I told her that I needed my space and she never came back.”

  “Oh my God…” I wipe away a tear I have shed for her.

  “When your father mentioned having trouble with the Stowaways, I wanted to help him. I remembered the way they had treated Avery and she was the daughter of the fucking President. I couldn’t begin to imagine what they were doing to other woman. I knew Avery would help me; she hates her father and that club. None of this was planned out. It was only after Avery showed up at the bar that it all came together.”

  “As for the fighting… Well… seeing Jace carrying you away from me was motivation enough. He was double my size and I knew I could never lay a hand on him. I was such a fucking punk. I started college and was living on my own, I didn’t want my parent’s money, you know how I feel about earning my keep. I had so much pent up anger at the time and I needed money. I stumbled onto the scene by accident; I went for a run one night and overheard a commotion coming from one of the empty parking lots. I followed the crowd to a downstairs basement and that’s where I saw the fighting and the money that was being exchanged. The fights were horribly organised, where huge men would beat on teenage boys for cash. After I won my first fight and tasted victory, I wasn’t prepared to lose again. I joined a gym, built some muscle and fought bigger men. I started winning and earning more money but the organisers of the fights would scam us, only giving us a certain percentage of the money we actually earned. There were a few times where I thought about quitting but I needed the money and I needed to fight. It helped me with all the hate I had for myself after I betrayed you.” He brushes his thumb across my cheek as he looks down at me.

  “I despised myself Harley, I thought in some fucked up way that I deserved all the kicks and punches that came my way. Like it was my punishment for what I did to you. The money got better and there were always girls around.” My heart starts beating faster, I’m not sure where he’s going with this and I’m not sure I can bear to listen to this part. Listening to the story about him an Avery was hard enough; I don’t think I can hear anymore.

  I quickly stand up but he rushes up too pulling at my hand.

  “No wait! Please just listen to what I have to say, you said you needed to hear everything Harley” He pulls my hand to his chest holding it over his beating heart as he speaks.

  “I thought that maybe if I hooked up with other girls it would get you’re pretty face out of my head, but every time I tried to touch or even kiss another… your face… that night you caught me and Ashley… the words you said would drift into my ears. I couldn’t make myself go through with it so I worked out all my anger, guilt and sexual frustration, focusing all I had on fighting when I wasn’t at College. Even though the circumstances were fucked up, fighting saved me Harley. I knew one day I was going to create a space where boys who are lost, just like I was, could find a place. They’d have a decent place where they could work out their anger, not having to turn to drugs. They’d fight their own weight class and they’d received the cash they earned. Did you know most of those boys working at our gym came from the street? They do, and most of them are not even twenty one yet.” He says full of concern cupping my cheek and looking deeply into my eyes.

  I know the concern he speaks of, I felt the same concern when I met Mira for the first time. I guess my man has as soft a heart as I do when it comes to those who are broken. We try to fix them. We try to put them back together. I had tried that with Jace, it just didn’t work.

  Hopefully I can help Mira.

  A small smile tugs my lips and a look of surprise forms on Caleb’s face when I kiss him hard on his mouth. I savour in the smell that is Caleb and the taste that only he has.

  “I love you so fucking much.” I smile at him and he returns it with one of his own loving smiles. “You said you were ashamed of it because I thought you were perfect... I still think you’re perfect Caleb.” I give him another kiss on the corner of his lips which are now turning into a grin.

  Caleb carries me up to our bedroom, the sun is about to rise but we
don’t care. I climb into bed on one side of Willow and Caleb the other. She stirs in her sleep and curls into my side with her back against me. I wrap my arms around her and Caleb turns to face her, looking down at our beautiful daughter. He sneaks his index finger into her little hand and instinctively she opens hers and holds onto it. A smile spreads across his face as he bends down and kisses her forehead. He lays his head back onto the pillow and his eyes find mine.

  I smile.

  He smiles.

  I mouth, “I love you.” Being careful not to wake Willow.

  He mouths, “I love you more.”

  I feel like I can breathe easier now. I have finally got Caleb to talk about what happened to him during those four years. I can’t believe what Avery has been through and now I understand why Caleb was hesitant to talk about her, the girl has some horribly dark secrets. I don’t understand how a father can treat their child that way, but I know first-hand what type of man her father is. My mind moves to Dex and how strange he seemed, I can’t imagine what the boy has been through. I don’t even want to think about it. I know how hard I was on my father, but I’m so grateful that I have him, even if he does put the club ahead of me.

  I look up to see Caleb already fast asleep. I kiss the back of Willow’s head and finally fall asleep as well.

  I wake to feel a soft little hand stroking my face right over the bruise. Then it moves over all the sore spots. I sluggishly open one eye and am met by Willow’s big green eyes as she faces me, nose to nose. She moves her head back a little then attempts to whisper. “I kiss it better.” But we all know Willow’s whispers aren’t soft at all. She leans forward and kisses my nose.

  “I missed you Momma.” She says as she smiles a bright smile. She’s lying down on her tummy with her legs swinging behind her.

  “I missed you so much sweetie.” I pull her into my side, she giggles the entire time clearly waking up Caleb in the process. I haven’t seen her for almost four days and in that time she looks so much older. I know it’s not possible but it feels that way. I missed her so damn much.