Roman Holiday

by Ashleyn Poston

  If love is supposed to feel like anything at all, it feels like dancing cheek-to-cheek with Roman Montgomery.

  "See," he says, "you are a great dancer."

  "I probably wouldn't be without you."

  "Nah, you'd be perfect with any guy you want."

  I pull away a little. Pinions of lights scatter across his hair and face, like stardust falling from a comet. "Not with you, huh?"

  A pained look crosses his face. "No, Junebug...not with me."

  "Not even if I offer ice cream?" I try, but my heart is already sinking, sinking, because like every other girl who loves him, I am not enough.

  His forehead wrinkles in frustration. "I'm leaving in a few days. I'm probably never coming back."

  "But your dad? Holly's family? Next year there will probably be another vigil and—"

  "It's more complicated than that." He shakes his head and begins to take his hands away from the lower part of my back, but I refuse to let go. "Junebug..."

  Suddenly, a white-hot flash shatters the darkness like lightning. Roman's hands drop away from the small of my back. I'm blinded for a moment, trying to blink the spots away.

  Another flash lights the room, the rafters.

  Then another.

  A camera, I realize. I blink, my eyes watering before they adjust again. Like my dream, only worse because this is real. My throat constricts as I spin to try and find the source. Had he followed us?

  "Shit," Roman curses, glaring across the bar.

  I follow his line of sight. My stomach heaves. Taller than the rest of the crowd is the man with inky black hair, a fedora tipped back from the hefty camera held up to his face. The paparazzo from last night. The man from my dream.

  Suddenly, I know exactly who he is, because where Roman is, John Birmingham is never far behind, and I have just unwittingly led John straight to him.

  His finger twitches over the shutter release, and another blinding flash erupts in the dark like a flash bang.

  The bouncers push their way across the crowds of people who aren't sure what's happening. Boaz is singing Aerosmith now, and a girl beside me is so close to doing the vertical tango with her boyfriend it should be illegal. The bouncers won't get there in time. If a year trailing an errant rock star hasn't stopped John Birmingham, a couple of bouncers sure as hell won't.

  When I look back to Roman, he's still and silent. He closes his eyes and breathes out a breath, and then opens them again. There is a subtle shift in him, as if the real Roman slides into place like the last piece in a puzzle. Was the orange-haired hipster just a mask? A dream? Someone he could be for a few days—a lie?

  The Roman I knew is gone.

  It's the slant of his eyebrow, the way his lips purse into a thin line, the bitterness that festers under his skin.

  My stomach doubles into knots.

  The long-haired photographer heckles, “Hey, Roman! How did it feel to kill your best friend and get away with it?”

  Another flash brightens the room like a firecracker, and another, and another. The crowd is now turning, migrating their attention away from the band, toward Roman—toward us.

  Roman takes a step back, and then another.

  Helplessly, I watch him leave me behind.

  Onstage, Mohawk rounds in front of his piano, squinting out into the crowd. He points at someone and shoots a rude gesture. I think it is John, but there are so many people smothering the floor I can't tell.

  “Hey, how’s it like to lie to everyone?” the paparazzo barks. “How’s it feel to lie to Junie Baltimore?”

  The moment he says my name, Roman freezes, and whips back around to me. Hurt fills his eyes, and I want to explain that he came looking for me last night, that I don't know how he found me...but then the hurt transforms into contempt.

  “All the lies catch up to us, Roman!” Cackling, the paparazzo waves his camera in the air because all the following has finally paid off for John Birmingham. “All your lies! That cutie Junie looks like a nice little secret!"

  That's it. Setting my jaw, I elbow through the crowd to the paparazzo himself. "Leave him alone!"

  "Thanks, doll, you really made my job easy," he sneers.

  “I said leave him alone."

  He gives me a lewd once-over. "How long have you fucked him? You're pretty enough, at least."

  I pale. "Excuse me?"

  "You know he's just using you, right?"

  The crowd begins to react, finally, taking out their cell phones and disposable cameras, but I barely notice. Roman, using me? "I don't understand."

  "Don't play dumb, doll," John chides. "You know Roman."

  "He's different."

  A sickening, twisted grin contorts his face. "And how many girls do you think he told that to, sweetie?"

  I narrow my eyes. "Don't call me sweetie, asshole." I thrust my knee into his money-sack. The impact makes him gasp, and he jerks to his knees. I snag his camera as he goes down. Maggie has the exact same one. I pop open the bottom and take out the memory card.

  Then, someone grabs me by the shoulder.

  I spin around, fists raised, expecting one of John's lackeys. Mohawk holds up his hands in defeat. "Boaz!" I gasp, relieved.

  “You kosher?” he asks, glancing down at John. "Nice shot. C'mon." He takes my hand and leads me through the crowd. A girl screams Roman's name, crawling up on the barstool.

  "ROMAN?" She yells. She has on a pink SAVE HOLIDAY shirt.

  "I LOVE YOU ROMAN!" Another girl yells.

  "COME BACK ROMAN!"

  "Oh my God, they're insane," I mutter.

  Boaz scoffs as he pulls me into the green room and locks the door. The noise suddenly mutes, like a CD track put on pause. "No shit, bro-ho."

  In the center of the room, Roman stands with his arms crossed over his chest. His finger taps patiently on his bicep.

  I deflate in relief. "I thought I'd lost you—"

  He narrows his eyes at me. "You told him."

  My eyebrows furrow. “Told who what?”

  “Birmingham! You’re the only one who knew.”

  I begin to shake my head. "I didn't tell him anything, I wouldn't—"

  "What else am I supposed to believe, Junie?" he barks, and begins to pace the length of the room. He didn't call me Junebug. My own name hits me like a punch in the stomach. "I must've been blind."

  "Bro-ha, that exudes harshness," his friend chides. "Does she look like the type?"

  "For a little extra fame? Who wouldn't?" he snaps. "She probably—"

  "You're being ridiculous," I interrupt, fisting my hands. "You know me. I wouldn't do that."

  He scoffs, "And why not, huh? Don't you just hate Roman Holiday?" I purse my lips into a thin line, and he takes that as some sort of agreement. He throws his hands into the air. "And this is why I don't trust people! This is why I shouldn't trust people. Because you are all the same."

  Boaz puts a hand on Roman's shoulder to calm him down, but he just shoves Boaz off. "Bro-ha, you're the one who bought her the ice cream."

  "Yeah." He glares. "My mistake. And now I can't even stay for my best friend's vigil because of her."

  Those words, above the sharp and scathing knives in his voice, pierce the deepest. I know how much Holly meant to him, because my dad meant more to me than the whole world. The last thing I would want would be to prevent him from seeing his best friend.

  My throat tightens.

  Did Roman ever trust me? All those smooth words and quixotic glances? The kiss? Were they all to just to get me into bed with him before the week was through, and then leave me like some old, abandoned piece of luggage?

  "So John was right," I reply sharply. "You just wanted another score, right? All that bullshit about not being a man-whore? Thought you could keep me your dirty little secret?"

  His face turns stony. "No, that's not what I wanted."

  "Well, I'm done being someone's secret. And stop pointing the blame at me! You're the one who bought me the condoms. So, screw
you, asshole."

  A timid knock taps at the door. The manager, the voice says form the other side. Boaz and Roman give each other a hesitant look. I roll my eyes and shout, "Then come in with your key!"

  No answer.

  "John," Roman concludes.

  Boaz points to the private bathroom and tells us to escape through the window. "I got this jerk."

  In the bathroom, I stare up at the window. Roman climbs up onto the back of the toilet and pushes the window open. It whines outward. He heaves himself up and wiggles through the two-by-two square, then reaches his hands back in for me.

  I'm shaking my head. "I'm not getting through that."

  "C'mon, I'll pull you out."

  "And that's a definite no."

  "Junebug."

  Pursing my lips, I climb onto the back of the toilet and grab onto his warm hands. His muscles ripple as he heaves me out. The glittering lights of the Strand ignite the street with uncomfortable brightness. My foot catches on the ledge of the window and I stumble forward into his chest. His hands fold around my shoulders gently, and then he lets go as if I'm diseased.

  Not ten feet out of the alleyway, John bursts out of the front door to face us. Roman scowls and seethes to me, "This your plan?"

  "You're kidding," I deadpan.

  His hands tighten into fists in anger.

  John holds open his empty camera. “Very funny, Junie!” He calls to me. “Do I need to ask nicely for it back? Or can I just fuck you, too?”

  Curiously, Roman eyes me again, as if beginning to think that I was telling the truth. "Run," I tell him, "since you're so good at it, anyway."

  "Oh no way, you're going t—"

  "I'm asking you to trust your dirty little secret, Roman."

  For a split second, he doesn't say a word. What makes him listen to me, I don't know. Maybe it's the three days of whatever we had, washed away in ten terrible minutes. He leaves down the sidewalk and disappears into the parking lot. He doesn't say he trusts me, and he doesn't say goodbye. It's hard to say goodbye to a secret anyway, isn't it? Because a secret isn't something you want to begin with. Way to get All-American Rejected, Junie.

  "Junie-baby!" the paparazzo catcalls.

  I put my hands on my hips. John's not getting out of this alleyway alive. "Where's Boaz?"

  "Why don't you give me back my memory card and I'll tell you?" he asks, snapping his fingers impatiently, slowly creeping, like molasses, toward me.

  I steel myself and take the chip out of my pocket. "This thing?"

  "Yeah. It's worth more than your life."

  "Pretty confident about that," I retort.

  "Yeah." He nods. Five feet from me. Four.

  I curl my fingers around the card and put it back into my pocket. "You know, I think I'll keep it. For good leverage."

  "Leverage? Doll, you don't know who you're messing with."

  I smirk. "You're right. But neither do you." Suddenly, I spin around on my heels and rocket out of the alleyway.

  "HEY! STOP!" John bellows after me.

  I hurtle over a fire hydrant and dart across the street, barely dodging a purple Scion before jumping up onto the other sidewalk and cutting through the gaming pit on the other side of the street. John follows, shouting for me to wait with words that only make me run faster. Up the other side of the pit, I hang a right and follow down the boardwalk, through couples, around children, dodging and weaving until the end of the boardwalk is in sight. I plant my hands on the railing and catapult myself over onto the white sand. Where the Strand is light with neon lights, the beach is dark. The sand is cool and soft against my feet. In other words, perfect running ground. I hop out of my Converses, stumbling, but John's voice is so far back now it's only an echo.

  I don't stop running until I reach the CherryTree Ocean Club and lock myself into the condo, drenched in sweat. My parents aren't home yet. They're on the casino boat tonight. Catching my breath, I lean against the wall to keep myself up, sure if I sit down I'll never get back up, and dial my best friend's number.

  She picks up on the first ring. "Trouble again, I see." Her voice is so sharp I wince.

  "Sorry, was followed by—called as soon as I—" I lean against the Jacuzzi to try and catch my breath. "I know you're mad."

  "Mad? I'm livid! When were you going to tell me that Caspian Gardener is gay?!"

  Chapter Nineteen

  I sink down onto the couch and wish the ground would just swallow me whole. Or that a carnivorous seagull would come in and eat my heart out. Or a serial killer would break into the condo and end my poor, pathetic life. I'm a secret girlfriend to a gay guy. To a gay, hot guy.

  To a gay hot guy who took my virginity.

  "I think I'm going to puke," I moan, curling my free hand around my stomach.

  "I know, right! Totes terrible! Oh, my poor va-jay-jay is crying in agony! Agony I tell you! But it's totes ballsy, you know? If his parents found out..."

  I really do think I'm going to puke. I stumble to my feet and b-line it for the bathroom. I'm not even a secret. I'm a shame-scape. Just in case he is found out, he can whip me out and I'll play girlfriend. No one would ever know.

  Just like Roman will never tell anyone he sang to me or danced with me to the Rolling Stones. Or kissed me.

  I'm everyone's secret.

  I barely make the toilet before I heave up the contents of my stomach. My virginity meant nothing. Not love, not devotion. There was no bed of roses, no French kisses, no whispers of "Baby, you're all that I need." There was nothing.

  I am nothing.

  "... Bb? Are you okay? This is ridic, I know, but hey at least we'll never have to go nuclear if he ever got a girlfriend, right?"

  I wipe my mouth with a piece of toilet paper. "No," I reply, biting my bottom lip to keep myself from crying. "No, no no."

  "But, bb, look at it this way—"

  "We had sex," I blurt, and Maggie goes silent. "On Friday. After I left. I didn't go with you because I met Caspian. And we..."

  "Oh my God, you hymen high-fived! He stole your cookie! He—how big is he?"

  I moan and sit back against the ledge of the bathroom.

  "And when you were going to tell me? Aren't I supposed to be your best friend?" she accuses. "What else aren't you telling me? That you had sex with Roman Montgomery too?"

  And that is a whole other can of worms.

  I massage my temples, gnawing on my bottom lip. Hold it together, Junie.

  I should be livid, but I'm not. Not sad, not angry, not heartbroken. I am not enough to be anything. It's my worst fear, and my most terrible conviction, that without my father, and without the Lining, I am nothing at all.

  "...Bb? I'm not mad at you," my best friend finally relents. "I'm just pissed. You should've told me. I feel so insensitive now. But, I mean, bestie to bestie...how big is he?"

  That's it. That is my breaking point. I burst into tears in the bird-shit yellow bathroom and spew all of the dirty little secrets inside of myself to my best friend—Caspian, Roman Montgomery, and the foreclosure. She's my best friend. She's the one person I shouldn't keep secrets from.

  "How stupid am I to think that I am enough?" I hiccup, tearing off another wad of toilet paper to blow my nose. "Why aren't I enough?"

  "Bb, you're more than enough for me."

  "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

  "I understand. I screwed our history teacher in April."

  I half-blanch, but then shake my head. "I knew it was impossible you got an A."

  "A girl's gotta do, right? But he was hot."

  "Yeah..." Mr. Williams was hot, if you got past the beard. "Are we even?"

  "Bb, we'll always be even. Love you."

  "You, too. Goodnight."

  I get to my feet and wipe my swollen eyes. There is an unopened bottle of wine sitting in the refrigerator, just waiting for me. I find Mom's wine opener in her suitcase and pour a glass and shuffle out onto the balcony for some fresh air. My nose is still running, but I don
't really care. My mind starts to wander back to Roman. Where are they now, on the interstate bound for some other destination, cursing the bane of my existence? I shouldn't have been so stupid—I should've known John would come looking. That he would find me.

  Maybe if I'd listened to Maggie, maybe if I'd been more of a fan...

  Stop it.

  My phone vibrates in my back pocket and I pull it out again, thinking it's Maggie, but it's Mom. "Junie!" she exclaims, relieved, when I answer. "Where are you? Are you all right?"

  "Yeah, we went to the Strand."

  "Did you eat dinner?"

  I can't even think about food. "Yeah Mom. We did."

  "Don't you ever go so long without calling me again! You just up and left without anyone knowing! I was worried sick. Charles was worried sick."

  I shake my head. Chuck would never be worried sick over me. "It's okay, Mom. What do you think would happen if I went off to college? I was fine—"

  "It was still very rude. Your father would be so disappointed in you."

  A lump forms in my throat. Would he really? "Okay, Mom."

  "And Junie?" she adds before I hang up.

  "Yes, Mom?"

  Her voice softens with a sigh. "I love you to the moon and back." It's something she started saying to me when I was little. I think her mom told it to her, too. She doesn't say it all the time, usually when she's mad or worried. It's code for it's okay, I'm not really mad.

  I swallow the knot in my throat with a sip of wine. "You, too."

  Below, the beach is vacant. Pitch black waves rock against the pale gray sand, in and back out into the sea. There isn't a divide between the sea and the sky tonight. It looks infinite when the stars shine like brilliant diamonds on a velvet-black curtain. I read somewhere once that the stars were just holes in the heavens where the love of our lost ones pours through the sky to tell us that they are happy and that they are all right. I imagine if that's true then Dad's the Big Dipper. Leave it to him to be the big-ass ladle in the sky.