by HJ Bellus
“Have a seat and tell me all about it.”
I wave to my open recliner. State takes a seat.
“I’m going to change into something more comfortable.” I point down to the damn skirt.
“I like it.” State smiles.
“Looks good on you, sweetie,” Miss Tami adds.
“You two are too damn much.”
I turn and go to my bedroom to find Rowe has covered my bed in drawings. She always, always, makes my day brighter no matter what I’m facing. I collect them into a pile and tuck them in my notebook with all of her other drawings.
I grab a pair of tight yoga pants and an oversized, off the shoulder, dance sweatshirt. I wash off the make-up and moisturize my face before changing into the comfortable clothing. Before I go back into the living room, I grab two bottles of water from the fridge, then join State and Miss Tami.
I clutch the hem of my soft sweatshirt and smile at the scene before me. State’s kicked back in my recliner, relaxed as relaxed can get, intent on the television. He laughs at Blanche and doesn’t even notice me standing watching him.
In this light, I see my childhood friend. The crazy nine-year-old boy with a big heart, protecting soul, and love of life. It’s all there wrapped up in his new large frame. He still loves football and he still loves me.
“Baylor, I didn’t see you.”
“I noticed. I see you found some new chicks.”
“Dude, they’re freaking hilarious.”
“Dude?” I raise an eyebrow and hand him a bottle of water.
He smiles at me, catches my wrist and pulls me down into the recliner with him. It’s a bold move and I feel uncomfortable. Miss Tami starts up talking, acting like I’m not cuddled in State’s lap. It doesn’t bother her at all, but my stiff frame isn’t so comfortable. State, too, doesn’t seem effected by it all as he pulls me in closer to him, and runs his palm up and down the side of my curled up legs.
“What’s your sweatshirt say?” He asks.
I blush.
“Oh, that’s the studio where Baylor teaches dance,” Tami offers.
“You dance?” He asks sounding shocked.
I nod.
“I tried to get her to dance competitively for years, but you know how darn stubborn that girl can be.”
“I like teaching it. It, uh…makes me feel good,” I reply.
“You’re a star and should be dancing competitively,” Miss Tami urges.
“Ugh, I know, I know.”
“When did you start dancing?” State asks.
“Sometime in high school.” I shrug. “It started out as a way to communicate.”
I pause for a second and no one comments.
“That sounds dumb. I just like it.”
“Not dumb at all, Baylor,” State whispers.
“It was easier to dance and not talk. Bossy pants, over there, insisted in enrolling me into lessons and I found that I love it.”
“Can’t wait to see some moves,” State jokes.
“Oh, just wait until her and Rowe face off in a twerking challenge.”
That garners a hearty chuckle from State.
“I always lose. Go figure.”
“Well, kids I’m going to bed.” She stands up and goes to Rowe.
“I’ll get her. Go on.”
She comes over to me and kisses my forehead. “Night, Baylor. Love you.”
“Love you, more.”
“Night, State.”
“Night.” He stands up, carefully placing me to the side, and wraps her up in a hug. “Thank you for taking care of my girl.”
“You have no idea how big of an honor it was. I knew you’d come back one day.”
I stand listening to them while fiddling with my fingers. I already have a hard time with words and then when a conversation is being held about me, right in front of me, it makes everything even more odd.
“I’m going to take Rowe to bed. I’ll be right back.” I leave the two and scoop Rowe up in my arms.
“I promised her I’d take her flowers to bed with her.”
“Okay, I’ll come back for them.”
I know State would love to help, but is so smart about walking the line of not spooking Rowe. He stays in the living room while I tuck her in and bring her flowers to her night stand.
“She still out?” He asks, running his hand over the back of his head.
“Like a princess.” I hold my arms out. “What do you want to do?”
“That’s a dangerous question, Baylor.”
God, the way my name rolls off his tongue melts me.
“Are you ready for bed or a movie?”
“Bed?” He arches an eyebrow.
“Stop.” I jump into his lap. “You know what I’m trying to get at.”
He kisses my cheek. “Pick a movie.”
“Any movie?”
“Your pick,” he challenges.
“I don’t think you’d like my pick.”
“Hit me with it.” He hands me the remote control to the TV.
I power up Netflix on the TV and find my all-time favorite movie. I’ve shed so many tears watching this. It never gets old.
The first scene of Ghost appears on the television. Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore make my breathing hitch. Their love story tears me apart every single time. It’s a reminder of my past. And this may have been a mistake.
I peek up to State. “Have you seen this?”
“No, but I’m curious to why it’s my girl’s favorite.”
“It will be obvious. Trust me.” I snuggle down into him, letting my arm wrap around his middle.
State has the ability to just hold me with one strong arm, but he winds both around me and rests his chin on the top of my head. We watch in silence. The gripping scene of losing the love of your life appears, and the tears roll down my face on cue. I feel State pull me closer to him. We don’t talk.
I finally speak up when Demi’s character believes in the ghost of the love of her life.
“That’s how I’ve felt for years, until now.”
I don’t give State a chance before turning in his lap to face him. Tears stream down my face. He tries to wipe each one away, but they fall too fast. I cry for our past, for right now, and our future.
“Kiss me,” he whispers.
I take the lead, leaning forward and brushing my lips up against his before I indulge in all things State. He drags the pad of his thumb down my jawline, opening up to me. I sweep my tongue in his mouth, letting everything pour into him. State grips the back of my head, pulling me in tighter as we explore each other.
“Bedroom,” I pant into his mouth.
He stands and walks us into my bedroom. We’re careful not to make any noise as he lightly shuts the door and lays me back on the bed. My cheeks are flushed.
State remains standing, he slowly unbuttons his shirt until it falls off of him, leaving an impeccable portrait of his perfect sculpted chest and abs. His woodsy scent mixed with a hint of citrus hypnotizes me. My lips part as I take in all of the man standing before me.
He eyes me up and down before making a move and when he lowers his body on mine, he completely covers me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. He keeps most of his weight centered on his elbows.
I kiss him quickly before I let my deepest and darkest secret flow from me. “I’m not a virgin.”
State tilts his head.
“I’ve never had sex.” I close my eyes regretting this. “It happened in Kings.”
“Sssshhhh.” He presses his fingers to my lips. “I know.”
“I’m scared, State. I want you, but I don’t know if I can.”
He again presses his finger down into my lips. “It’s okay.”
Our lips crash together, my hands roam up and down his strong back. The desire to give him all of me tortures me.
“Tell me to stop if you need to.” He kneels up and pulls the sweatshirt from my body and tosses it to the floor. “We’re not going to have sex
His palms skim down my sides and then back up until he’s cupping my breasts.
“You’re fucking gorgeous,” he growls.
I writhe up into him pleading for more. My gesture is not lost on him. The straps of my bra are pulled down my shoulder. He follows their path with light kisses on my skin. He sneaks his hands behind my back and unsnaps the bra, then sits back up on his knees.
I finish shedding the bra for him, then lay back down, bared to him. His pupils flare and lips part before he dips his head. His lips graze both peaked buds before he swirls his tongue around one. I moan loudly with the sensation.
He covers my mouth again with one finger. I bite down on my bottom lip to control my voice. He pays the same attention to the other nipple before looking up at me.
“So perfect.” State rolls to my side and slides his large hand down the front of my stomach until it disappears under my pants. My legs part welcoming his touch.
“Tell me when to stop.”
I put my hand over his, leading him down. His fingers snap the top of my panty line before he goes any further. He brushes my sensitive parts, forcing me to bite back another moan. I buck up into his touch, enjoying the sensation coursing through me.
He circles a piece of me rhythmically until it hurts so good it breaks a piece of my newly open heart. Wave after wave of sensation slam into me until I’m falling over a hopeless cliff. I slam a palm over my mouth to muffle the pleasure.
I melt back into the bed with State holding me close to his chest.
“I’m going to show you how good it feels, before we have sex.”
“State.”
“Yeah?” He mumbles into the crook of my neck.
“That was a first.”
His smile spreads across my skin. “We have so many more firsts ahead of us.”
Sixteen
“I have an early practice.”
“No,” I protest.
I want nothing more than to spend the rest of the day with him.
“Shitty timing, I know, but the next few months will be packed with football.”
I grin up at him as he pulls on his shorts, and I pull the covers up to my chin.
“Still not a morning person, I see,” he smiles at me.
“Nope. Some things never do change.”
“I remember having to run to your house and drag you out of bed for school on more than occasion.”
“And now you’re dragging me into bed.”
My own words make me flush with embarrassment.
“You’re cute.” He kneels down on the bed and tugs back my covers.
“I’ll text you later.” He kisses me lightly on the lips.
“You’ll answer.” He kisses me again.
“God, I’m going to miss you.” He kisses me again.
“This hurts.” I wrap my hands around his neck. “I don’t want you to go, and I don’t want to make you feel bad for having to go, but it hurts.”
“I know, baby.” He grabs my forearm and clutches my pinky. “This will be forever, I promise.”
I squeeze his finger in mine knowing it’s the truth and our destiny. He showers me with several more kisses before leaving. Not even five minutes pass before my phone vibrates on the nightstand.
State: Tell my princess I’ll be back soon to see her.
Me: Okay (heart emoticon)
State: And remind my queen she’s mine forever.
Me: She knows. XOXO
It takes a few minutes for me to drift off to sleep. Right when slumber takes over, Rowe bounds into my bed and begins tapping my forehead.
“Are you sleeping?”
“Grrrrr.”
“Want to get cereal?”
I pry an eye open to see her toothy grin flash at me. I roll over and tickle her until she squeals uncle.
“Why are you so happy and hyper in the morning?”
She cups her hands around her mouth. “It’s magic.”
“Get out of here, silly goose.”
I crawl from the bed and join her in the kitchen, picking out our cereal. We both pour heaping bowls. Rowe digs in while I slice some fresh fruit for us.
“Dance day,” she sings out.
“Yes, today is dance.”
“Are you teaching my class?”
“I’m not sure. I’ll find out when we get there.”
“Mmmmm, can you invite Shrek?”
I nearly choke on a gulp of milk when she refers to State as Shrek.
“No, he has football practice.”
Her eyes grow in size. “Remember, he plays football and brings you flowers.”
“I hate football. It’s bad.”
“It’s okay to not like football because you may think it’s boring, but it’s not bad, sweetie.”
“You gonna make me mad.”
I cover her little hand on the top of the table deciding on how to deliver my message. “Not everyone in life are good people. Sports, like football, have lots of good people in them. Miss Tami and I will always be here to guide you. Okay?”
“You piss me off a little.”
I bite the smile on my face.
“I know it’s scary, but you like State, right?”
She nods her little head.
“He brought you and me flowers. He’s a nice guy and loves football.”
“Can you just shut up?”
I squeeze her hand and do what she asks, not wanting to send her into an angry state. We will be forever working her through the process of vocalizing her frustration. I typically don’t let the words “pissing me off” fly, but I was hoping to connect the bigger picture for her.
I turn on the shower and wait for it to warm up, but the buzzing of my phone distracts me. State’s name scrolls across the screen. I slide over the green button to see his text.
State: I miss you.
Me: You just saw me.
State: That was hours ago.
Me: Like 2 (smile emoticon)
State: Two hours too long
Me: Don’t you have practice or something?
State: Getting ready to go to cardio.
I think on my next text, but decide to do it. My heart zings with excitement. I’ve never felt the way he makes me feel. It was different when we were kids and just best friends, but this is so much more.
Me: I’m getting into the shower
State: Jesus, Baylor
Another text from him comes through before I can respond. It’s a picture text of him. A whole body selfie. His sly grin is in the frame and then his chiseled chest right down to his perfectly sculpted abs. I notice the slight bulge in his black gym shorts. The man is fucking gorgeous.
State: See what you do to me.
I smile and tap out a text.
Me: I like it.
State: My turn, send me a picture.
Me: I WILL NOT.
I can practically hear his deep chuckle.
State: Please?
I snap a picture of my toes pressed against the white tile of the bathroom floor and send it.
Me: Text me later
State: You’re going to pay for that. Talk later, xoxo
I let the hot water run over my skin, regretting the decision to take one. The last wafts of State’s scent flow down the drain, making me instantly crave him all over again.
Seventeen
Rowe spun off into quite the fit when she realized she wasn’t in my dance group today. She’s going through a lot right now, adjusting to State being in our lives. She’s used to being the center of our worlds.
Miss Tami had to sit with her for over twenty minutes before she calmed down and finally agreed to join her group. I blow her a kiss through the clear glass window, while keeping my students dancing.
It’s been a month of State taking over my life. He controls my every thought, action, and beautiful dreams. It’s something I never thought I’d experience, but I love it. He’s coming over tonight for dinner and a princess movie of Rowe’s choice. My loathing of football only grows knowing it keeps us apart. However, the light in his eyes and pride in his voice when he talks about it, soothes the ache a bit.
“One more time through. Watch your toes and make sure to nail your spins.” I hit play on the One Direction song one more time before leading the girls through the dance.
Parents trickle into the studio and grab their children until I’m left standing in front of the mirror staring back at myself. I feel alive for the first time in my life. I can’t help the smile that grows across my face.
“Baylor.” Rowe runs in and hugs my waist. All signs of her sour attitude have vanished.
“Can we dance?” She asks with a hopeful smile playing on her face.
“Of course.”
“I pick the song.” She proudly points to her chest and waltzes over to my iPod.
Can’t Stop The Feeling by Justin Timberlake begins playing and Rowe claps her little hands together. She takes the position as the teacher and nods to me to follow her. Dance has been so good for her coordination skills. The girl doesn’t let her disability stop her.
Her hips begin to sway and her feet smoothly glide on the floor, dancing her little booty off to the song. I follow her steps while pride swells in my chest. It’s a dance we taught the kids a while back and she’s nailing every step.
I flip my hair down and shake it in her direction, letting my feet glide across the floor, feeling the song drum through me. With her hands on her hips, she nods her head, and kicks her leg out finishing off the song. A round of applause fills the dance studio. We both look over to our audience standing and clapping. Miss Tami and State smile widely, clapping like lunatics. They’re our champions in this world.
“Nice, girls.” State nods. I don’t miss the underlying message, but I’m thankful he keeps it rated G right now.
“State.” Rowe slaps her hands over her mouth and closes her eyes.
I know it’s the football shirt he’s wearing. Miss Tami and I both agreed it was time to push her a bit more towards the idea of it. She adores her Shrek. It hurts like hell to see her work through this, but it’s a coping skill she needs to develop. Nothing in life should ever hold her back.
“Open your eyes, Rowe.” State steps closer to her keeping his voice low.
She shakes her head side-to-side.
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